When will you notice me? (5/?)
Title: When will you notice me?
Author: MatsuAurore
Pairing: Sakumoto, Ohmiya (slight)
Rating: R
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, fluff
Disclaimer: Girls, they are already naked in my bed... In my dreams xD
Summary: The first time I met him, I immediatly fell in love with him. The first time I saw him, I understood he would become the most important part of my life. But what I didn't expect was his strong and free personality. When will you stop this game and will notice my deep feelings for you?
Part 5:
Jun's pov:
"Jun?" I opened my eyes with a groan.
"Hummm." I moaned, burying my face in the blanket.
"Babe, it's time to get up."
"Yes." I yawned but stood up with my eyes barely opened and mess hair.
"Why did you sleep on the sofa?" Sho frowned. Fuck, I didn't want to argue at this hour.
"I had a headache and fell asleep on the sofa." I mumbled, putting my glasses on my nose.
"You should have woken me up."
"You looked exhausted." I smiled.
"Where is my morning kiss then?" Sho pouted. I laughed and kissed him shyly.
"We're going to be late, caster-san." I joked.
"Wait, we can shower together." I froze. Oh no, please, not that.
"No, you will end jumping on me, I'm going first." I replied, I really couldn't tell him I hated having sex with him while he was wonderful and so soft with me.
In the green room, Sho pouted when I sat on a chair instead of sitting on his lap as I used to do before. But I ignored him. In fact, I was avoiding as much as possible any contact with my lover. And Sho's mood got worse when I kept acting like that for some months.
I was cooking happily, humming softly when Sho kissed my neck. I froze but left him do, ignoring the hatred growing in my stomach. But when I felt his hands taking my belt off, I pushed him away.
"Sho, I'm cooking." I protested.
"Don't care, I want you, we haven't done anything for one month, Jun and I want you." Sho growled, grabbing my shirt.
"Sho, no!" I slapped his hand.
"So, it's that, you don't want me, maybe you are fucking someone else?!"
"How can you say that! I would never betray you like that!" I shouted.
"Then, why?!" I lowered my eyes, gulping. Trying to erase my disgust, I took my shirt off and kissed Sho. My boyfriend didn't think more and kissed me roughly, almost ripping our clothes, he was scaring me. He was too rough, devouring my skin hungrily as if there was no tomorrow.
"Sho, slowly." I protested.
"I want you so so bad, baby." Sho ignored me and prepared me quickly, ignoring my request to go slow. Tears left my eyes when he thrusted inside me. I wasn't feeling any pleasure, just disgust and hatred. I started to cry loudly and Sho stopped, looking at me. "Jun?" He asked me with lost eyes. I pushed him away, hissing in pain and ran in the bathroom to throw up. "Baby, what's happening, I don't understand!" Sho tried to touch me but I slapped his hand.
"No..." I cried.
"Jun, talk to me." Sho tried to hug me, grabbing one of my hands and I did something unforgivable. I hit him.
"Don't touch me!!"
Sho gasped in pain and stared at me with shocked eyes, blood rolling down his chin. I looked at my fist, paralyzed.
"I'm sorry Sho."
"I don't understand you anymore." Sho whispered and left the bathroom.
"Sho, please!" I followed him in our bedroom and panicked when he grabbed a bag and put his clothes inside.
"I tried... I tried, Jun. I tried to bear that, to understand you but I just can't handle it anymore."
"Sho, please don't leave!" I implored.
"Can you tell me what's happening to you for these three years? Because I'm fed up, Jun and if you don't give me a real explanation, I leave." I kept silent, tears rolling down my cheeks. "I can't hug you, I can't kiss you without your agreement I can't even make love to you but the worse is I don't even understand why?!" Sho yelled.
"I... I'm sorry, it won't happen again."
"It's what you keep repeating for three fucking years, Jun! That everything will be all right, that you won't push me away anytime I'm trying to be close to you. If you don't love me anymore, tell me!"
"No. I love you, I swear but..."
"So, why for the fucking sake?! Give me a good explanation not to finish my bag and leave this apartment, Jun." Sho yelled, anger and sadness shining in his eyes.
"I can't..."
"Well. I have tried. I love you more than my fucking life, Jun but I can' t bear it anymore. Aiba will take the rest of my things tomorrow." Sho replied, leaving our bedroom.
"What?! No, Sho, please, I need you!" I cried, grabbing his arm but Sho pushed me away and said the words I was scared of since the beginning of our relationship.
"It's over, Jun." Sho took his shoes on and left. I stayed paralyzed, staring at the gap. It was over. I had lost him. I fell on my knees, crying loudly. I deserved it. I didn't deserve someone as amazing as Sho was. My vision blurred and I collapsed on the ground.
When I opened my eyes, I saw Kazu next to me, holding my hand. What happened? Did I dream?
"Jun!" Nino almost screamed when I moaned.
"Kazu..." I moaned.
"God, don't do that to me again!!! I panicked when your neighbor found you on the ground."
"Sho..."
"I... He isn't here, he..." Nino lowered his eyes and I realized it wasn't a dream. This nightmare was real.
"He left me." I whispered, not believing in this fact.
"I'm sorry, Jun. I'll talk to him, I..."
"No. He made his choice." I cut him off.
"But Jun..."
"I don't deserve him. I'm a monster..." I looked away, fighting the tears that wanted to fall. "Leave me alone, please." I asked.
"Satoshi and Masaki will come this afternoon." Nino said sadly.
I sank my head in the pillow, tears rolling down my cheeks. I felt empty, so empty. It was as if I couldn't really believe all that was happening, as if it was a bad joke and that Sho will come back.
Satoshi and Masaki came for an hour but left quickly as I refused to talk. Sho never came. Nor called or sent a message. He didn't care now. He will find someone else quickly and forget the bastard I was. I looked at the bracelet around my wrist. It hurt even more seeing I had spoiled everything and this bracelet was making me remember my pain. I took it off. I couldn't keep it around my skin, it was as if its touch was burning me.
The next day was horrible. Despite the pain in my heart, I had to ignore it and acted like a professional, trying not to let this mess spoil Arashi. But at the second I saw Sho in the green room, my heart broke in one thousand pieces. He was pale but was laughing with Aiba and ignored me when I sat on the sofa. Ohno wrapped my shoulder with his arm, whispering comforting words in my ear. I felt so bad but held my tears back. How will be able to deal with Arashi when the person I loved more than anything was hating me? Luckily, Kazu and Satoshi stayed by my side, trying to make me smile even if I knew they also helped Sho because they liked him too. Kazu on his side, wasn't talking to him, thinking he was the most horrible person for leaving me. But it wasn't Sho's fault. It was mine. I was responsible because I couldn't tell the truth, I couldn't say why I felt so bad since three years to my ex-lover. Though, I wanted to. But the words never left my throat, the truth was staying deep inside my heart because I wasn't strong enough to release them. It was eating me, driving me crazy and giving me the will to die. I was the one who loved Arashi the most because it gave me some self-confidence and I loved this job, the scene, the happiness shining in the fan's eyes, the adrenaline invading my body everytime we were making a concert. Arashi was my life but today, I didn't even care because I was slowly realizing that the most important part of my life had left me. Why couldn't have Kazu's strength? Why couldn't I scream my pain to feel better and stop this guilt and disgust about myself?
"Jun?" I blinked, raising my eyes to see Sho looking at me.
"Y-es?"
"Ano... Despite our break-up I don't want this story messes up Arashi so, I'll do my best to act like a professional and I hope you will do the same."
"Sho, I'm sorry I..."
"Stop it, Jun. I don't want to hear more, it's too painful. I... Aiba will come to take the rest of my belongings." I grabbed Sho's arm, trying to stop him.
"Please, Sho. Don't go away." Tears were rolling down my cheeks like a waterfall but I didn't care. I didn't feel ashamed to cry for him because he was worth for it.
"Can you explain to me everything Jun? Can you tell me why you are acting like that for all this time? Why does the man I fell for is pushing me away of his life, why I can't be close to you like we used to be? Our lives were perfect, Jun. Our 'us' was perfect, why did you spoil everything, why did you break me like that?"
"I can explain. I can. Please." I wrapped him in my arms with despair and Sho kissed me hungrily, stroking my cheek and my back. We kept kissing each other a long time, our tears falling between our lips, my fingers gripping his shirt strongly.
"Babe, tell me what is eating you." Sho whispered with a pleading tone. I buried my face in his neck, trying to calm my sobs.
"It hurts..."
"What? What is hurting you like that?"
"It hurts because even if I love you so much I can't even tell you..." I cried. Sho froze and pushed me away softly.
"If you can't, we have to stop. I can't handle it anymore. I love you, Jun." Sho kissed my lips a last time and left.
Losing him was maybe the most horrible thing I had went through in my life. It was like losing a piece of myself.
Days passed and I worked harder than ever to forget this story. I barely slept and ate, losing lots of weight. Kazu was angry at me because we could see my bones a lot. But my worked was great. Johnny was very proud of me because I was creating new things for the group, giving many ideas and taking care of our concerts.
Sho on his side looked happy. I think it was because of Aiba. I always knew he had a crush for my ex but never confessed because of me. They got closer together, spending lots of time at Aiba's apartment and laughing happily. I was jealous but knew everything was my fault. Now, Sho deserved to be happy, even if it meant without me.
****
I grabbed my microphone and walked on the stage. Our first concert at Nagoya. I was going to sing my new solo. A song I had written. Sho and I had broken-up for almost one year but I felt as if it was yesterday.
Now turn off the sun
Take down the moon
For I don't need them anymore
Go switch off the stars
And paint the sky black
Love isn't ever coming back
There is no use in imagining a world without you
Your love was like a drug I was addicted to
It was my new hobby. Writing my songs myself. Or rather writing my pain. It was my way to evacuate this madness slowly eating my heart. Some people were drinking, some were crying, some other taking drugs but me, I was writing and singing. It was the only way to let my pain go a bit. I stared at the fans even if my eyes weren't really seeing them as I was too lost in my song. It was the first time one of my solo was this calm but it changed. It was more like me. Everybody always saw me like the sexy guy of Arashi who was meant to take his clothes off and kill the fan's heart with hot fan service. But in fact, I prefered to sing my feeling through a music. I was a shy person and only told my doubts to my best friends. Like Aiba, I could suffer in silence and show a fake smile. Like Kazu, it was hard for me to tell my feelings, my fears and my sadness.
Cause there is nobody else who could hurt like you hurt me
I don't want to be lonely
And there is no other way
There's no joy
There's no meaning
Just this hollowed out feeling
Now all the loves gone
And nothing grows here
And I just feel wrong so black out the sun
And all that we shared will slowly disappear
There's a hole where my soul used to grow
So just black out the sun
The dome was silent while I was singing, none fans were screaming as they used to do when I was singing on of my solos. Maybe this song was ridiculous. Maybe they didn't get my feelings. Spot lights were lightening my body even though there was none light in my heart and eyes anymore but just darkness.
Now stop all the rain and poison the ground
Love doesn't want to hang around
Go turn all the fruits into bitter wine
It was only sweet when you were mine
There is an emptiness inside of me
Since you been gone
All the world has lost its meaning
All my colors run
And nothing compares
How could it even dare
Cause now that love's gone I want to black out the sun
The music stopped and for my biggest surprise, the fans started to scream and clapped their hands loudly. I bowed and turned around to leave the stage. I had given everything I had. All my feelings. I met Kazu and Ohno's eyes when I joined the backstage while Aiba was singing his solo.
"It was amazing, Jun." When Nino who was a great solo's writer was telling you that, you knew it was true and you made a good job.
"Thanks." I smiled weakly.
"This songs suits you and your voice perfectly." Ohno added shyly.
"You wrote it because of Sho, ne." It was more a contestation than a question. I nodded and left them without seeing Sho in the corner of the room.
"He is suffering, Sho." Nino stated.
"He isn't the only one." Sho snapped, wiping his tears away roughly.
"Maybe but you are stronger than him."
"How can you know?!"
"Because I know him better than anyone else, even than his mother or you." Nino shrugged sadly.
The rest of the concert went slowly. I was exhausted but happy. Happy to think about something else than Sho. I took a quick shower and left to join the hotel when something I didn't expect happened.
"Jun-kun, what a surprise to see you again."
I froze. This voice. I knew it perfectly. I was again diving into hell. Maybe this time I wouldn't be able to survive...
To be continued...
A/N: Sorry for this horrible chapter, I think it's maybe the worst of this fic or the second worst xD I myself almost cried when I wrote it, so, sorry for the ones (yes, Capucine, I think it will be mostly you who will hate me :P) who feel sad with this part.
I know I said there will be 7 parts, but as LJ sometimes refuse to post my chapters when they are too long, maybe I will have to write 8 or 9 parts because the next parts are very longs xD see you soon <3
And all the songs in this fic are from Darren Hayes because he is the love of my life after Jun lol he has a wonderful voice and his songs are just so beautiful **