Constant State of "Missing"
On December 13th Geminid Meteor showers are totally happening. I always miss these in our neck of the woods because it is always cloudy. I really hope that’s not the case this year. Not that I have a nice enough camera to capture the beauty, but I’d like to witness at least one in my lifetime. It’s supposed to be quite the show this year too … *fingers crossed*.
Why is it that every mentally deranged person that has escaped the asylum comes to work here? I swear everyone around me (except Lorraine), needs to be on strong medication. I cannot take the Jekyll and Hyde routines 24/7. I feel like I’m going to have a stroke from all the rage these people induce in me. I seriously need to find a way to cope with this anger (it’s going on my resolutions list actually) .. sigh. If anyone stumbles across this journal and has sage advice, I’m all ears.
We’re supposed to get our first ‘real’ snow this weekend. We got a few flurries in late October, but nothing that stuck. This weekend they’re claiming 2-4 inches. Still nothing to cause any major issues, but it’s enough to make things a little Christmas-y.
I miss the young innocence that surrounded the holiday. The waiting ALL year to get what we wanted. I think that’s what made it so much more enjoyable. Now, if we want something, we all just buy it right there and then. I think that is what has torn away the joy of Christmas. To me now, it’s just another day we all chill out, and while I love spending time with the family, there’s no longer that “Omg can’t wait until morning to sip eggnog and watch everyone open their gifts” feeling. I miss that feeling. I don’t think I’ll ever recapture it (and not just because it’s forever blackened by the loss of a bright soul).
As we near the 25th, it’s so weird how the pang in my heart increases. It should always feel this way, right? I just miss him so damn much and these days while everyone is singing or humming happy tunes, I’m in this bah humbug stage. I am trying so hard though to get in the spirit, mostly because my dad really DID love Christmas. We used to build this huge Christmas village under our Christmas tree every year and dad would sit there for hours, just admiring it and I miss that. I miss seeing him hanging out on the couch, his eyes so focused on the beauty of the village, his mind a million miles away and peace and calm on his face. I miss his smile… GOD how I miss his smile so much. I have this small photo of him hanging from my rearview mirror and he’s sporting his famous smile and I guess that is why I ALWAYS cry when Im driving. That, and the fact that I’m usually alone when I’m driving. I don’t like to cry in front of others so I bottle so much up, but in the car… it’s just me … and his memory. Just us. Alone. And it tears me up almost every day.
Here’s a picture of it <3
Okay, I need to breathe and calm down. Switching topics. Actually, I had to go look and see when the last time we did the village where I took photos and it was 2011. Seems a lifetime ago. Here are the photos if anyone out there is interested. I really do miss it. It feels like this is what the rest of my life is going to be like … constantly living in a state of ‘missing’ …
One for the road …
