(no subject)
it is amazing what a shot of whiskey can do, melanie made me a whiskeycoke. delicious, refreshing, and just makes me feel like a million bucks. plus it's irish day. go irish.
um, everytime i sit down to do homework--i do live journal. and since its midterms i've clealy been procrastinating a lot more.
so let's talk about snow. yesterday was HELL. i woke up on the WRONG side of bed, four minutes after i should have left to turn in my midterm paper (the genius one) and i could go on forever about it, but in short i thought that if one more (side note: melanie just refilled my glass, what a wonderful lady) person GOT IN MY WAY, i was gonna burst. i really thought that initiating violent confrontation was the best option. but then i ran into ben, which somewhat calmed me, and i found my one hitter pipe with one good hit in it. so i almost smoked it then, but since nothing was going my way--i couldn't find a light, and i didn't. then my aweful day continued as i went back and forth thru the snow to the comp. lab and to group meetings and shitty classes. but after i gave my midterm presentation in my utopia class, i began to feel a bit better.
i skipped the worst class ever(ans my midterm presentation in THAT class), because i knew it would be HELL (i recieved today i very caustic email for doing that to, BUT I DON'T CARE. TOD LESTER IS A MORON)
on my home i realized i past union sqaure and it was somewhat pretty. i realized that i had actually been thinking about how i had wanted to say goodbye to winter in newyork and the snow and had missed my chance. i wished that biking thru the snow wasn't so hellish, because i wanted to be outside. because winter is clearly alway s so cold, but it wasn't yesterday, i decided that it was a blessing. and the sun didn't set at 4:30. i wanted to bike to my favorite cemetary but knew i couldn't, and then i remebered the cemetary karms and i visited that was off the L. i looked on the map and found that it was only three stops past dekalb.
i got off at wilson, got a pack of matches, and went to one the largest cemetaries (its larger than greenwood)by myself to smoke pot and just see what it looked like. it was more amazing than i could have imagined. i can't even describe it, but i was in the middle of thousands of graves, next to an aboveground train, underneath a weeping willow, in the middle of a blizzard. i got really high and jumped around and ran and played like i used when i was in elementary and would dispapear for hours exploring the forests by my house. the snow made the graves standout, so that they were very apparent and the only thing, well them and the trees, not covered entirely in white. It was a thick blizzard but not cold or too windy. there was one man there-walking up and down the same path. he didn't speak much english but we converesed about how amazing it was. i arrived only a few minutes before 4:30, which was when it was suppose to close. but it didn't close.
i came to terms with history and death. i felt alone but was surrounded by thousands upon thousands of bodies of people. i sat close to the ground and decided that IT'S OKAY THAT I'M GOIN TO JOIN THE COMMUNITY OF THE DEAD. i mean, it happens to everyone, right? so i'm gonna join the party, and become part of history.
the moral of the story is:
a) i like going on adventures by myself because i grew up a loner because most people sucked and were really fucking evil to me. the further i could get from my daily routine or spaces that had been normalized or i had been maltreated in, i.e. the further i got from anything that i knew, and from spaces that promoted my selfdegration, the happier i was, and am.
b)death is a-okay.
c)i need to respect history and those who have died.
not to sound like a freak but honestly--do you ever have thoughts that are so quick, yet are phrased like sentences, that they sound like somebody spoke them in yr head. oops if you didn't think i was a little nuts before, now you do, but i went to think liquor store and bought some of my old granddad's whiskey. i swear from the dead i heard: "alive, just for the sake of living"
if i sound like i'm reaching for a reason to feel alright, i might be, but if ican trick myself into being happy, then THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
now i'm gonna eat some delicious beans, that our new house guest meghan made, and talk to mimi! oh but she had to go pump more gas.
anyways
love
catharine
ps drunk
pps WHAT HAPPPEND TO MY BROTHER!?
ppps funding proposal, portfolio, and midterm presentaion tomorrow
um, everytime i sit down to do homework--i do live journal. and since its midterms i've clealy been procrastinating a lot more.
so let's talk about snow. yesterday was HELL. i woke up on the WRONG side of bed, four minutes after i should have left to turn in my midterm paper (the genius one) and i could go on forever about it, but in short i thought that if one more (side note: melanie just refilled my glass, what a wonderful lady) person GOT IN MY WAY, i was gonna burst. i really thought that initiating violent confrontation was the best option. but then i ran into ben, which somewhat calmed me, and i found my one hitter pipe with one good hit in it. so i almost smoked it then, but since nothing was going my way--i couldn't find a light, and i didn't. then my aweful day continued as i went back and forth thru the snow to the comp. lab and to group meetings and shitty classes. but after i gave my midterm presentation in my utopia class, i began to feel a bit better.
i skipped the worst class ever(ans my midterm presentation in THAT class), because i knew it would be HELL (i recieved today i very caustic email for doing that to, BUT I DON'T CARE. TOD LESTER IS A MORON)
on my home i realized i past union sqaure and it was somewhat pretty. i realized that i had actually been thinking about how i had wanted to say goodbye to winter in newyork and the snow and had missed my chance. i wished that biking thru the snow wasn't so hellish, because i wanted to be outside. because winter is clearly alway s so cold, but it wasn't yesterday, i decided that it was a blessing. and the sun didn't set at 4:30. i wanted to bike to my favorite cemetary but knew i couldn't, and then i remebered the cemetary karms and i visited that was off the L. i looked on the map and found that it was only three stops past dekalb.
i got off at wilson, got a pack of matches, and went to one the largest cemetaries (its larger than greenwood)by myself to smoke pot and just see what it looked like. it was more amazing than i could have imagined. i can't even describe it, but i was in the middle of thousands of graves, next to an aboveground train, underneath a weeping willow, in the middle of a blizzard. i got really high and jumped around and ran and played like i used when i was in elementary and would dispapear for hours exploring the forests by my house. the snow made the graves standout, so that they were very apparent and the only thing, well them and the trees, not covered entirely in white. It was a thick blizzard but not cold or too windy. there was one man there-walking up and down the same path. he didn't speak much english but we converesed about how amazing it was. i arrived only a few minutes before 4:30, which was when it was suppose to close. but it didn't close.
i came to terms with history and death. i felt alone but was surrounded by thousands upon thousands of bodies of people. i sat close to the ground and decided that IT'S OKAY THAT I'M GOIN TO JOIN THE COMMUNITY OF THE DEAD. i mean, it happens to everyone, right? so i'm gonna join the party, and become part of history.
the moral of the story is:
a) i like going on adventures by myself because i grew up a loner because most people sucked and were really fucking evil to me. the further i could get from my daily routine or spaces that had been normalized or i had been maltreated in, i.e. the further i got from anything that i knew, and from spaces that promoted my selfdegration, the happier i was, and am.
b)death is a-okay.
c)i need to respect history and those who have died.
not to sound like a freak but honestly--do you ever have thoughts that are so quick, yet are phrased like sentences, that they sound like somebody spoke them in yr head. oops if you didn't think i was a little nuts before, now you do, but i went to think liquor store and bought some of my old granddad's whiskey. i swear from the dead i heard: "alive, just for the sake of living"
if i sound like i'm reaching for a reason to feel alright, i might be, but if ican trick myself into being happy, then THAT IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
now i'm gonna eat some delicious beans, that our new house guest meghan made, and talk to mimi! oh but she had to go pump more gas.
anyways
love
catharine
ps drunk
pps WHAT HAPPPEND TO MY BROTHER!?
ppps funding proposal, portfolio, and midterm presentaion tomorrow