Backdated to Body Swap Virus - Greed and Klavier, starring Shelly and Envy.

[material_guy]

Dublith was a popular but tasteful tourist spot; there were shops with many items of interest, each of them catering to the locals needs as much as visitors', avoiding a tourist trap's usual strips of identical cheap souvenir shops. The main roads were clean, most people friendly, and just beyond the outskirts was an expanse of woods and streams

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[material_guy]

An outpouring of gratitude from Klavier was weird. From Envy, it was horrific. Knowing it was the former while seeing the later tempered it somewhat, but he still ended up giving another long stare.

Best not to think about it too much. "Dangerous thing to say to me. Don't get put off guard just 'cause I'm in this body."

Confirming there were still shampoo, conditioner, and soap in the bathroom, he pulled a fresh wash cloth from one of the crates in the corner and tossed it to him, heading for the door. "Take yer time. I'll put some clothes on the bed and wait out in the hall."

If he didn't take his time, he would be standing around wet and naked for a while; it took some time to explain why Shelly de Killer was demanding people's clothing. Within thirty minutes, however, there would be a jacket in Klavier's usual shade of purple, not quite as fancy and a little too large for his current body. The pants, black t-shirt, suspenders, socks and shoes were close enough to the right size. There would also be a towel, two brushes, a comb, and a bag of hairties and pins, unopened.

For his part, Greed was enjoying the fact that a single hit on a cigarette was something this body could feel a little harder and a little longer. It was quite the temptation to try and push the body to the limits of intoxication, but the original owner might not have appreciated that much. The question was how much he really cared about that detail.

[herrglimmerous]

“I’m not dropping my guard…it’s just that…it’s a pretty big thing for you, doing something like this for me and especially a me that looks like this right now,” Klavier said holding up his arms to emphasize how different his body was from his usual one, sure Greed didn’t need a reminder, “or maybe it feels that way for me since it’s uncomfortable so you don’t have to take it too seriously if you don’t want to. It’s not like I’ll forget it though.”

Klavier distracted himself by giving the bathroom a once over, having no doubts about the contents of the bathroom. He was just distracting himself from the situation until he was standing alone in the bathroom, he wasn’t about to go and strip in front of him…they were both traumatized enough. Besides it was difficult enough trying to undress by himself without looking down. For the first time the prosecutor could actually understand Greed’s apprehension when it came to the male body, except this was the only body Klavier felt weird about.

Once he was effectively naked Klavier made certain to take plenty of time in the shower, of course he had to lower his gaze on a few occasions. What Klavier hadn’t noticed was how hard he was scrubbing at his, or Envy’s skin, until he noticed how red and raw and almost painful it was. He had to remind himself that he couldn’t wash himself out of this body, so once he realized what he was doing and how much it was starting to hurt he decided to forego this and wash his hair and face.

After taking plenty of time to more than sufficiently wash himself he climbed out of the bath and padded his way to the bedroom where he found the towel and the promised clothing. He spent some time looking the clothing over, grinning to himself that it was pretty close to what he normally wore, not that he would have complained about anything. Right now there were other challenges to take care of like Envy’s hair, so he toweled himself off, dressed and set about using the brush, comb, hair ties and pins in order to make the palm tree do look more presentable, something out of his face and off of his neck.

Bathed, dressed and feeling slightly more optimistic about Envy’s hair, all of which took ample time, Klavier cleaned up a bit and exited the bathroom.

[material_guy]

Kimblee may have had complaints about having one of his suit jackets commandeered, but living with Greed meant learning to pick your battles. When Greed's own infallible brand of logic stated: 'but that's his color, and he simply must feel comfortable, and by the way tell Biddo I'm taking one of his shirts, he's the only one small enough to take clothes from for the weird-midget-freak' it was probably best to just let it go. It was only made worse by the fact that he attempted it with a British accent, which he was convinced made everything sound just a little more intelligent, logical.

Sitting against the wall by the door's opening, he looked up as Klavier stepped out. He looked like he was feeling better, at least. That was good. That was really, really good. A tension he didn't know had been building up between his shoulders released. Klavier was normal; it wouldn't take a lot to really shake him up.

That genuine relief didn't last long before being unnerved by the fact that the face he didn't want to see troubled was Envy's. Greed gave him a once over, adjusting the monocle, then announced: "You still look like shit. Feel like it?"

[herrglimmerous]

Klavier couldn’t say every article of clothing fit him like a glove, but Greed had gotten his style down almost exactly. He wasn’t going to ask where he managed or who he had pinched the clothing from, though if he had known he might have been a little flattered and humored. Even if he didn’t look like himself, mimicking his body to the best of his ability was all he could do…short of dyeing Envy’s hair blonde and putting blue contacts in his eyes-which were never comfortable. He couldn’t help being a little surprised that his host would bother this much with him given his body, though he understood his basest of motives for taking him in.

Stepping out he glanced down at Greed, he still couldn’t get past the fact that he was in de Killer’s body, it was a little weird, but he imagined he wasn’t all alone in his sentiments. On the other hand, if he looked hard enough, he could recognize that Greed inhabited the assassin’s body based clearly on posture and facial expressions.

“It can’t be helped; I’m in the body of a squirt, even if I squint into the mirror and turn my head sideways it’s still pretty hideous…but I have to work with what I have,” Klavier looked down at Envy’s hands which still looked painfully red and raw from all of his scrubbing, “his nails look better…so about that drink, Herr.”

[material_guy]

"Nails?" Greed echoed. Fingernails weren't something he was used to thinking of too often; he took a minute to check Shelly's over. Impeccably clean, at any rate. No arthritis. He didn't have too many major complaints with this body. Still. He was sure he was draining the host's testosterone reserves just looking at his nails like that; shrugging it off, he lead the way back down the steps, sharing his new found insight: "You're weird."

Heading down the steps into the low lit bar, filled with what looked more like horror theme park workers or very lifelike decor than patrons. It wasn't particularly hostile; there wasn't a single fight breaking out, and a chipper, perfectly normal looking girl skimped through taking drink orders and delivering. There were a few normal looking patrons too, but then, it was hard to ignore a man who looked to be wearing a scuba-diving suit, or another with a very prominent, flesh colored tail, or a man with teeth that put Greed's to shame, complete with a jaw and snout structure resembling an actual alligator. For an era that seemed a little behind Klavier's times (not a halogen light to be seen, freezers being packed with ice rather than a more modern electric set up) some members had what appeared to be extremely advanced Teflon horn implants. Some looked more at home than others; at least one could be seen sleeping against the wall, with a rifle larger than himself in his arms. There was, in the very far corner, what resembled an upside down human face breaking out of a donkey's head, with a hat and glasses, on a bear's body in an overcoat (and a conspicuous lack of pants) looking over paperwork.

This was Greed's usual company.

He considered Klavier weird.

"Yo! I'm home!" He called out with one arm raised, habitually turning towards his usual spot, where a very out of place desktop computer could be seen.

Then he realized how unfamiliar his voice sounded with that daily gesture. The usual reaction from his crew was missing.

"Shit!"

Just in case becoming Envy and the sight of the Devil's Nest during weren't shock enough for a day, Klavier would have a split second to register the mob's synchronized movement and flashes of metal from around the room before finding himself face first in the ground with the body of Shelly de Killer directly on top of him, and the sound of three bullets hitting the wall behind where he had been standing.

Greed may have forgot to mention the finer points of his guest's plight when explaining his own.

[herrglimmerous]

"Weird? Hm…at least I don’t use nail polish…" Klavier said looking down at Envy’s hands one final time before smiling over at Greed for having been called ‘weird.’ It seemed almost as though the other man was separating him and Envy after all. Waving it off the ex-rocker followed the Homunculus down the stairs, still feeling a little cautious about his surroundings.

The last time he had been here he remembered the place having been abandoned, all of Greed’s followers scared off by the hugging virus. In hindsight it was definitely for the best as he glanced around at the characters in the room. He had to remind himself that, having been a member of the community for a while now, he had seen a number of strange sights. Though that didn’t stop him from shooting very irritated daggers at Greed who’d been calling him weird all this time even though it was a nickname he was comfortable with.

Klavier didn’t have time to feel too comfortable, however, his insights normally served him well…and in this case he couldn’t help feeling an overpowering hatred being directed at him. He turned his attention to his host, wondering if Greed had told them anything…wondering if these people knew that de Killer was Greed, but before the ex-rocker could confirm any of this he found himself hitting the floor hard with an indignant squawk followed by three consecutive bangs. Klavier’s head was reeling, he didn’t know what had happened until he glanced up at the wall and saw bullet holes in the wall that were level with where his body had been standing.

His eyes widened with fear at the realization that the one being shot at was him and he ducked his head back underneath de Killer’s body, fixing his wide eyes firmly on the floor. He didn’t want to, tried to resist it, but the body he inhabited began to shake violently against his will. Klavier wouldn’t call himself a coward, but the shock of being nearly shot was enough to shake him up even if his mind was screaming at him for his own stupidity, "shit...shit...shit...."

[material_guy]

An arm snared around Envy to keep him from scrambling upwards and into the line of fire in a panic. Other than a relieved sigh when there were no follow up shots, Greed kept himself well composed. It was a body he could work with. "Not bad, old man."

For what it was worth, they did recognize him; those who didn't know he was Greed by now at least knew Shelly's face and that it was on the Do Not Maim list. As for Klavier, Greed had been in a bit of a rush to get to him to help him, without thinking far enough ahead as to what came next.

He poked his head up cautiously, then raised one hand. All clear. Said hand waved dismissively, then pointed towards the computer.

"Well. The long and short of it is it's that thing again."

Silence.

"Anyway, don't touch him for the week unless I tell you different."

Silence. Satisfied with having said his part, Greed sat up, giving Klavier a pat on the head. "Oi, Tiffany. Bring some top shelf brandy."

Greed tried to give him a gentle tug up by the arm. The point of being here was to feel as safe as possible, wasn't it? That wasn't going so well. He tried to force a smile as if it could all just be brushed off. "See? You're 100% safe with me."

The idle bar chatter slowly started up again, even if there were still a few eyes on him.

[herrglimmerous]

Klavier wasn’t sure what he wanted to, a part of him wanted to struggle his way back upt the stairs and away from the guns or any further danger, but the part of him that understood common sense knew that the safest place for him was flattened underneath de Killer…as extremely odd and uncomfortable that was. He remained cocooned underneath his companion, his eyes still fixed on the floor, his breathing labored until Greed sat up. Unfortunately the ex-rocker wasn’t as quick to raise his head or sit up, oddly enough he felt like a foreign animal prostrating itself in order to placate the more indigenous beasts. Not the most inspiring of situations, but a sobering one.

Greed had to tug at him a bit in order for the prosecutor to lift his head and once it seemed like everything was okay he pulled himself into a sitting position beside the Homunculus. It took some time for the color to return to his face and his breathing to return to normal. Even when everything started to return to focus, Klavier was careful not to look around the room just in case he would make eye contact with anyone who had their eyes still fixed on him…he could feel it. After he gathered his nerves together he turned to face Greed again managing to choke out another, “a…ah…well that was a first…I’m going to venture a guess and say they didn’t know about me…

…Envy really is unpopular.”

[material_guy]

"Mm? None of these guys've ever met him or even seen him in person, I don't think..." He mused absently, as if pointing out that saying they shot to kill anyone on orders alone, without a single personal grudge of their own made the situation less frightening. "But I've showed 'em all his face and told 'em what to do. Now I've told 'em not to! So, yer fine."

Greed's hand held onto him, as much to try and comfort him as to keep him in place. As soon as Klavier was even somewhat stable, he would be pulled towards the couch forcefully with an arm around his neck, to the back corner set of couches. Rather than taking his usual spot in front of the computer and facing the main portion of the bar, he settled for the couch on the opposite side, with the masses at their back. It was the usual background corner of the bar seen when Greed made videos was before them, meant to be comforting in its familiarity. It may not have felt any safer, but it did make it possible to look up without the risk of any unwanted eye contact. Whether Greed felt that secure in his own territory or whether he just wasn't thinking about how many armed men were at their backs was up for debate. Even once seated, Greed kept a posessive arm around him; it may have felt more threatening than affectionate. If providing comfort came awkwardly to him, then hugging Envy was bound to be downright clumsy.

[herrglimmerous]

“So it’s like…shoot on command then…” that thought didn’t exactly put the ex-rocker at ease, it made him feel more like game being hunted in the woods, all Greed had to do was give the word and it was open season. On the other hand he was pretty confident that his host would keep him safe, if only because that’s what he promised he would do and his word was something the prosecutor trusted if nothing else.

Something else that proved to be familiar was the Homunculus’s manhandling of him on a whim, it wasn’t out of place so Klavier submitted to it when Greed hauled him up and dragged him towards a couch with an arm hooked around his neck. He didn’t know if Greed was thinking about him and his comfort so deeply or if his host was just a whimsical kind of guy, as always, but at this angle not being able to make eye-contact was a small relief even if the guys with the guns were out of his field of sight.

As for being seated next to his host, well Greed wasn’t the only one who was feeling anxious on that score. He looked at de Killer’s face and he could see Greed’s character, but he was still looking at de Killer and that was just…just…there were no words. It wasn’t all Greed, however, in fact it was mostly being in Envy’s body that made any and all desire to be a little flamboyant and flirtatious with Greed, regardless of the body, downright impossible.

He tried to keep himself relaxed in that possessive, threatening hold, but after a moment he dropped his face with into his palm, “damn…this has to be the most un-sexiest moment of my life.”

[material_guy]

The grip felt more and more forced when not met with any ease from his victim. He'd had more than enough unpleasantly close brushes with Envy, from a back alley game of tonsil hockey with one of his more attractive forms to a spurt of touch induced lust. There was no reason to suffer holding on if it wasn't really helping the mind trapped in the body. It was just that he didn't accept failure well, some days. So, his arm stayed unnaturally but firmly in place, as if to insist: 'you're going to be comfortable here with me. Even if you're the only one comfortable! Whether you like it or not!'

It took him a few moments to work out a verbal response to that. Greed still wasn't a liar, so he didn't have it in him to insist he still had some kind of sensual charm. He didn't. He was Envy.

"Wanna try making a big green drill out of your hair?"

Making a straight faced joke that left anyone who took it even remotely seriously blindsided was one method of comfort he was, at times, capable of pulling off. If Klavier was past that point in his unease, Greed wasn't sure what he'd do.

[herrglimmerous]

For the first time in his life Klavier didn’t feel one iota of sensual inclination, not even the urge to philander even with the cutest of waitresses walking about. Being in Envy’s body had truly rendered him impotent and it was horrifying, so trying to relax even when Greed seemed to be insisting on it wasn’t easy. Still, Klavier noticed the more he struggled with it the hold around his shoulders the more unyielding his host was…probably a different kind of competition.

The ex-rocker was hoping he would pass out after a few drinks, that would get him relaxed enough to not be so conscious about himself. He knew he was tired as well, but he couldn’t make himself close his eyes no matter what. If he could sleep through at least a portion of this it would be alright, but he also had to make sure Envy was taking care of his body as well and Klavier had certainly made a lot of demands.

When the Homunculus mentioned trying to style his hair into the drill bit style that the prosecutor was accustomed to, Klavier’s sluggish brain took a second to process the joke before he was reduced to laughing. It wasn’t particularly funny, but it was one of those things that caught him off guard that he couldn’t help laughing until he was wiping the tears out of his eyes, “ha…a…I…yeah…maybe we could do that later…Envy didn’t say I couldn’t…he didn’t make many demands…but…it’ll be okay as long as he doesn’t see it, since I told him he couldn’t modify my body…you know, he said he wanted to dye my hair green…green…hn…no class…and piercings and tattoos…you know, if I go back and I find out he’s tattooed Woodstock or something on my ass…I might actually want to punch him…no…it’s more like…will. You want to know that one thing that could really piss me off, Herr? That's it.”

[material_guy]

Greed considered pointing out that just ending up in Klavier's body, in his apartment, learning his home address by accident struck Greed as grounds to take a butane torch to the back of Envy's knees, but the prosecutor didn't strike him as someone who would appreciate the sentiment. Even with three bullets fired at him today, Greed had every intent of maintaining that scant possibility in Klavier's mind that he held some basically legal lifestyle, and could be interacted with without any unease arising from his general dedication to the concepts of justice and legality.

"Woodstock, Woodstock..." The word sounded familiar.

The waitress who brought the bottle and two warmed glasses was impossibly cheerful, especially for serving drinks to a face the entire bar apparently had a blood order out for. Greed muttered an absent thanks, checking her out mostly out of habit as she bent over to set the glasses and the bottle down. It was blatant, it was shameless, and it was Shelly de Killer oogling a busty young girl in a skimpy waitress outfit.

And then he remembered. "Ah! The bird thing! Y'know, if he does get'cha that tattoo, I'll go with you and hold your hand while they tattoo the black and white dog on the other ass cheek."

[herrglimmerous]

If Klavier ever felt that having Envy know his home address was threatening he’d simply pick up and move, it was a simple matter for him and something he could probably manage over night. The unnerving part was having Envy in his house, he had no idea how nosy the ex-Homunculus would allow himself to be and Klavier was already aware that he’d found his way into certain locked areas of his home already…which was more amusing for the prosecutor, but he didn’t need Envy babbling about him having a ‘torture chamber’ as he’d phrased it…that just made it sound wrong. On the other hand he’d told Envy what he absolutely could not touch and that was his priceless guitars. Other than a bunch of demands he gave Envy quite a bit of free range and money to work with.

He was able to forget about the situation, very briefly, when the waitress came over, unable to wipe the very bizarre look off of his face at seeing Greed de Killer making eyes at a well endowed waitress. Those endowments did not go unnoticed by Klavier either, but he wasn’t as overtly appreciative and was too caught up in watching the interaction. Where was a camera when you needed one? This was just one of those moments that had to be frozen in time for reflection upon a later date.

Then he blinked owlishly as the subject returned to tattoos, “you’d do that for me? And while we’re at it we can get the whole Peanuts gang tattooed across my back. I always wanted Charlie and Linus and Sally and Pig-Pen stamped onto my body…” he kids, but the idea of having his body tattooed is still frightening, especially if Envy does anything to spite him even if it’s unlikely, “…he probably wouldn’t, but modifying me…I don’t think I could stop myself from being angry. That’s probably why I gave him so much to play with.”

[material_guy]

Greed caught that look out of the corner of his eye. Unable to hold his pokerface at realizing what a sight it must have been, he flashed a broad grin that was considerably less alarming than it was when given with a full row of jagged teeth as he flipped the retreating waitress's skirt. Fresh out of Britishisms, he tried to accent the light: "Wheeee!" as much as possible.

The fact that she merely kicked up her heel and winked over her shoulder suggested that she was either the most absolute perfect girl in the multiverse for her job (to be fair, she was build and programmed to his specifications), or that she had very quickly become acclimated to her boss's body swap. That or Shelly de Killer was a very layered, complicated man, in more ways than Klavier ever knew.

"You don't have to give him any free reign just to make him behave. You do know who's on yer side, right? If you wanna try some kinda hardcore body-modding S&M thing that's all weird even for you in his body and hand him over to 'justice' or the law or whatever, you can do that and still order him to do nothin' but eat celery, do sit ups, and meditate the whole time. I can go over and enforce that kinda rule in this body; he's a pretty sturdy old guy!"

[herrglimmerous]

The only thing that came to mind when watching Greed interact with the waitress in the body he was in was that it was…incredible…in a completely stupefying kind of way. Still, for whatever reason, the waitress seemed happy enough to play along…it was just strange to see de Killer’s body act in such an uncharacteristic way. Then listening to Greed try to put a British infliction on hi ‘wheeee’ made it…amusing and the attorney could do nothing but shake his head, “you need some brushing up on your British if you’re going to try to pull off that accent, Herr.”

“I know…but…I also don’t trust him to take care of my body the way that he should…so he has plenty of money to go to Euphoria…they’ll take care of my body there…and he needs money in order to keep my body properly nourished…though if he goes through everything in my refrigerator then he’s got to be a glutton…and…well…I guess I can’t have him sitting idle in my house all day…it wouldn’t be fair to my body…you realize it’s a difficult thing for me,” Klavier said picking up one of the glasses that the waitress had left behind, “trying to keep my body happy while making Envy miserable…it’s not easy and I can be hard to please at the best of times…I probably managed to piss him off a bit by limiting his diet…”