(no subject)
The notion of making a promise to yourself to improve is a curious one, but one that is often indulged in within our community - I know Obi-Wan has already made his list known.
But while I sit here and wonder what I should promise to improve in myself next year, I find myself strangely unable to think of something. Which is not to say that I am perfected and no longer need to worry about such things, but rather that I can not choose just a few of my many faults that I need to work on. I’m sure the Council would have a few suggestions, but they are not the arbiters of my behavior (though I am sure that they think they ought to be - that bunch of second-guessing old busybodies).
I suppose that last sentence brings out at least one thing I need to work on - I really do need to learn to show a little more respect for the Council. Though it would also be pleasing if the Council would work a little harder on earning that respect.
I know I am often thought of as arrogant, over-confident, and impulsive. I admit to the impulsiveness - I like to think that I have a strong connection to the Living Force and that I move as the Force dictates. If this makes me seem impulsive, I think maybe we all need a little more impulsiveness in our lives. As for arrogance and over-confidence, inside I am a mass of self-doubt, constantly analyzing and re-analyzing my every move. Did I propose the correct settlement to this governing council? Was helping to capture the rebellious miners on Endarax Four the right thing to do? Did I remember to turn off the refresher when we left on our last mission? I don’t allow any of this to show on the surface - Obi-Wan needs a strong role model and the Order needs a strong arbiter. Insecure feather-brains need not apply. Pretend to be strong and certain, and eventually you will begin to believe your own fictions.
The problem is, that it’s still fiction.
Perhaps that also points the way to the next thing I need to do. Somehow I need to allow my uncertainties and doubts to show just a little, even if only to my Padawan. If I am still this way after all these years of service, it may be that he is also dealing with the same problem. If I show him that it is possible to cope in a constructive manner, he may learn the lesson more quickly than I did. I can at least hope for that.
But while I sit here and wonder what I should promise to improve in myself next year, I find myself strangely unable to think of something. Which is not to say that I am perfected and no longer need to worry about such things, but rather that I can not choose just a few of my many faults that I need to work on. I’m sure the Council would have a few suggestions, but they are not the arbiters of my behavior (though I am sure that they think they ought to be - that bunch of second-guessing old busybodies).
I suppose that last sentence brings out at least one thing I need to work on - I really do need to learn to show a little more respect for the Council. Though it would also be pleasing if the Council would work a little harder on earning that respect.
I know I am often thought of as arrogant, over-confident, and impulsive. I admit to the impulsiveness - I like to think that I have a strong connection to the Living Force and that I move as the Force dictates. If this makes me seem impulsive, I think maybe we all need a little more impulsiveness in our lives. As for arrogance and over-confidence, inside I am a mass of self-doubt, constantly analyzing and re-analyzing my every move. Did I propose the correct settlement to this governing council? Was helping to capture the rebellious miners on Endarax Four the right thing to do? Did I remember to turn off the refresher when we left on our last mission? I don’t allow any of this to show on the surface - Obi-Wan needs a strong role model and the Order needs a strong arbiter. Insecure feather-brains need not apply. Pretend to be strong and certain, and eventually you will begin to believe your own fictions.
The problem is, that it’s still fiction.
Perhaps that also points the way to the next thing I need to do. Somehow I need to allow my uncertainties and doubts to show just a little, even if only to my Padawan. If I am still this way after all these years of service, it may be that he is also dealing with the same problem. If I show him that it is possible to cope in a constructive manner, he may learn the lesson more quickly than I did. I can at least hope for that.