Regretting What I Did and Did Not Do
(Crossposted from Theatrical Muse)
(Mun note - obviously, I’ve skipped a bit in the timeline. This is set just after Qui’s death on Naboo - not visible to other pups)
It’s odd really - I can’t go, and I can’t leave. I was so supremely confident that the two of us could beat the malevolent thing we faced that it never occurred to me that it might be necessary to discorporate. I had no time to prepare, and so it caught me, dead to rights, just under my sternum. The pain as it went through was indescribable. I’d been taught to ignore pain when necessary, just like any other Jedi, but this made the pain exercises look like a creche picnic. The only reason I didn’t scream was that I couldn’t catch my breath - nicked my diaphragm, I think.
And so I lay there, helpless, while Obi-Wan proved himself in the heat of battle. The greatest pain a Master can suffer is also his greatest joy. It is to watch his Padawan face his trials, his moment of truth. Whether the Trial is scheduled or impromptu, he knows that one wrong move, one slow decision, one error in judgement, can end badly, even fatally, for someone that he has cared for, raised, trained, and even loved, for many years.
But joy was a stranger to me in those long moments - pain upon pain filled my body and overflowed. I knew I would not survive, and I wanted to go into the Force so badly. But the pain scattered my wits, and I could no longer summon the concentration necessary to dissolve my body into the Force. I was dying, and Obi-Wan was going to have to deal with his Master’s corpse.
When he appeared out of nowhere, I was finally able to speak to him. I knew he had defeated the creature, and I was so proud of him. But there was no time for congratulations - I had responsibilities to pass on, and promises that Obi-Wan would have to keep for me. I was placing a great burden on him, and I fear I may have asked too much. The more Yoda objects, the more I wonder exactly what my grand-Master knows, what he has seen.
My Padawan, or perhaps I should now say my new-made Knight, is standing serenely, his eyes flickering in the firelight. He knows I am here - indeed, every Jedi in the room knows I am, and that they must sever the ties that bind me to my dead flesh. They burn my body, and I am finally free. I feel the Force calling me away, to some other place and time, and I do not want to leave - Obi-Wan will need help. But perhaps it is just as well - he must stand on his own now, not be eternally looking to me for guidance.
What do I regret loosing most? I regret loosing that fight, damnit!
Muse: Qui-Gon Jinn
Fandom: Star Wars - TPM
Word Count: 460
(Mun note - obviously, I’ve skipped a bit in the timeline. This is set just after Qui’s death on Naboo - not visible to other pups)
It’s odd really - I can’t go, and I can’t leave. I was so supremely confident that the two of us could beat the malevolent thing we faced that it never occurred to me that it might be necessary to discorporate. I had no time to prepare, and so it caught me, dead to rights, just under my sternum. The pain as it went through was indescribable. I’d been taught to ignore pain when necessary, just like any other Jedi, but this made the pain exercises look like a creche picnic. The only reason I didn’t scream was that I couldn’t catch my breath - nicked my diaphragm, I think.
And so I lay there, helpless, while Obi-Wan proved himself in the heat of battle. The greatest pain a Master can suffer is also his greatest joy. It is to watch his Padawan face his trials, his moment of truth. Whether the Trial is scheduled or impromptu, he knows that one wrong move, one slow decision, one error in judgement, can end badly, even fatally, for someone that he has cared for, raised, trained, and even loved, for many years.
But joy was a stranger to me in those long moments - pain upon pain filled my body and overflowed. I knew I would not survive, and I wanted to go into the Force so badly. But the pain scattered my wits, and I could no longer summon the concentration necessary to dissolve my body into the Force. I was dying, and Obi-Wan was going to have to deal with his Master’s corpse.
When he appeared out of nowhere, I was finally able to speak to him. I knew he had defeated the creature, and I was so proud of him. But there was no time for congratulations - I had responsibilities to pass on, and promises that Obi-Wan would have to keep for me. I was placing a great burden on him, and I fear I may have asked too much. The more Yoda objects, the more I wonder exactly what my grand-Master knows, what he has seen.
My Padawan, or perhaps I should now say my new-made Knight, is standing serenely, his eyes flickering in the firelight. He knows I am here - indeed, every Jedi in the room knows I am, and that they must sever the ties that bind me to my dead flesh. They burn my body, and I am finally free. I feel the Force calling me away, to some other place and time, and I do not want to leave - Obi-Wan will need help. But perhaps it is just as well - he must stand on his own now, not be eternally looking to me for guidance.
What do I regret loosing most? I regret loosing that fight, damnit!
Muse: Qui-Gon Jinn
Fandom: Star Wars - TPM
Word Count: 460