So I Heard Back From Him...
His message was simple: 'I don't want to pursue this relationship any further.' (Something approximating that.)
Much is the pity. But I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything in the first place. I just said that I completely understood, wished him well in his research, and hoped it was fruitful. No muss, no fuss. If only all things like this were so easy!
I know I am depressed but that has nothing to do with this recent thing with this guy. Well, it doesn't help because it would have been nice to have had someone, but I always get depressed around this time of year. Christmas is especially hard. It's probably because the day after Christmas was when all the hell started for me, when I was 14. I just dread it's coming and now I'm wondering how it's going to affect me. I hate the not knowing. It could go better because I've gotten it all written out. It may be worse because I don't have the repressed memories. It may be better because I don't have the repressed memories dragging me down invisibly. I probably also have Seasonal Affect Disorder. But that could be a function of the trauma. So it may have no barring or it may feed a vicious cycle. I don't really know. I do think that my posts will get darker for a bit. They'll be angrier and less like 'me.' Probably. I'll have my good and bad days.
So far today has been a good day. I got a rejection from a guy but that also means that I got closure. So I'm not sitting around waiting for a reply that may never come. I put that in the Win column. I now totally get the whole, "I may get 9 'nos' but when I get to that number 10 and they say 'yes' it will all be worth it." All this rejection from Agents has toughened up my skin. That's a really rocking thing. Of course, I could just be fooling myself and putting up a front to cover my deeper shame and disappointment...
But thinking about it my disappointment is mild at worst. He was a nice guy, had drive and ambition, was working on himself; all admirable qualities, mind you; but I hadn't really invested a whole lot of time in him so I don't feel like I wasted days of my life pursuing him. Hell, I don't even know if what I was doing was pursuing him. I suppose it was. I went after him and initiated contact, but I don't know... I didn't really give it my all. It was just, 'If it happens, great. If it doesn't, move on.' Perhaps I should have tried harder. But the more and more I think about our correspondence he always seemed to be leaning away from a relationship. He entertained the idea at first but as time went on decided that he really just wanted to focus on his research. That's where his passion is. So I don't know that there is anything I could have said to change the outcome of his decision. I think it was snowballing into an inevitability. Which means that I was wasting my time. Huh... oh well, they can't all be Prince Charming in Waiting.
And I don't feel shame really because I put forth as much effort as I was willing to put forth. It wasn't my best by any means but, as I said, I don't think there's anything I could have done to change things, no matter the amount of effort I put in. And the rejection doesn't phase me. Do you know how many guys have turned me down? Realistically I've had about as many as could be a successful catch. So I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of.
If you can't tell by now, this post is mostly just a stream of consciousness. It flows as I think of it. I'm not trying to convince myself of anything. I already know the answers, I just needed to put them down on screen to fully understand them and how I felt. You reading this is superfluous. Though I thank you for taking an interest in me and reading this far.
I'm taking Mom to the eye doctor today because she is under the mistaken impression that she can't drive a 45 minute drive unless it involves shopping. Oh...! Then she can do it. But for a doctor's appointment, we can't drive that distance without help. She can't even pump our own gas because, "I can't get the gas cap off." Turn it, bitch! If you turn as hard as you can one way and it doesn't come off, try the other direction. It's that easy. I fear for her once I'm out of the house and Dad is dead. She relies on others far too much for basic necessities. My sister is going to be stuck taking care of her. She'll be getting the youngest through high school and into college when Mom moves in. My sister is doomed to take care of Mom without my mother even batting an eyelash that she could learn to be self-sufficient. But whatever! It's not my cause to champion. See... this is the darker "fuck you" Justin that I warned about. Hell is other people.
Much is the pity. But I didn't lose anything because I didn't have anything in the first place. I just said that I completely understood, wished him well in his research, and hoped it was fruitful. No muss, no fuss. If only all things like this were so easy!
I know I am depressed but that has nothing to do with this recent thing with this guy. Well, it doesn't help because it would have been nice to have had someone, but I always get depressed around this time of year. Christmas is especially hard. It's probably because the day after Christmas was when all the hell started for me, when I was 14. I just dread it's coming and now I'm wondering how it's going to affect me. I hate the not knowing. It could go better because I've gotten it all written out. It may be worse because I don't have the repressed memories. It may be better because I don't have the repressed memories dragging me down invisibly. I probably also have Seasonal Affect Disorder. But that could be a function of the trauma. So it may have no barring or it may feed a vicious cycle. I don't really know. I do think that my posts will get darker for a bit. They'll be angrier and less like 'me.' Probably. I'll have my good and bad days.
So far today has been a good day. I got a rejection from a guy but that also means that I got closure. So I'm not sitting around waiting for a reply that may never come. I put that in the Win column. I now totally get the whole, "I may get 9 'nos' but when I get to that number 10 and they say 'yes' it will all be worth it." All this rejection from Agents has toughened up my skin. That's a really rocking thing. Of course, I could just be fooling myself and putting up a front to cover my deeper shame and disappointment...
But thinking about it my disappointment is mild at worst. He was a nice guy, had drive and ambition, was working on himself; all admirable qualities, mind you; but I hadn't really invested a whole lot of time in him so I don't feel like I wasted days of my life pursuing him. Hell, I don't even know if what I was doing was pursuing him. I suppose it was. I went after him and initiated contact, but I don't know... I didn't really give it my all. It was just, 'If it happens, great. If it doesn't, move on.' Perhaps I should have tried harder. But the more and more I think about our correspondence he always seemed to be leaning away from a relationship. He entertained the idea at first but as time went on decided that he really just wanted to focus on his research. That's where his passion is. So I don't know that there is anything I could have said to change the outcome of his decision. I think it was snowballing into an inevitability. Which means that I was wasting my time. Huh... oh well, they can't all be Prince Charming in Waiting.
And I don't feel shame really because I put forth as much effort as I was willing to put forth. It wasn't my best by any means but, as I said, I don't think there's anything I could have done to change things, no matter the amount of effort I put in. And the rejection doesn't phase me. Do you know how many guys have turned me down? Realistically I've had about as many as could be a successful catch. So I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of.
If you can't tell by now, this post is mostly just a stream of consciousness. It flows as I think of it. I'm not trying to convince myself of anything. I already know the answers, I just needed to put them down on screen to fully understand them and how I felt. You reading this is superfluous. Though I thank you for taking an interest in me and reading this far.
I'm taking Mom to the eye doctor today because she is under the mistaken impression that she can't drive a 45 minute drive unless it involves shopping. Oh...! Then she can do it. But for a doctor's appointment, we can't drive that distance without help. She can't even pump our own gas because, "I can't get the gas cap off." Turn it, bitch! If you turn as hard as you can one way and it doesn't come off, try the other direction. It's that easy. I fear for her once I'm out of the house and Dad is dead. She relies on others far too much for basic necessities. My sister is going to be stuck taking care of her. She'll be getting the youngest through high school and into college when Mom moves in. My sister is doomed to take care of Mom without my mother even batting an eyelash that she could learn to be self-sufficient. But whatever! It's not my cause to champion. See... this is the darker "fuck you" Justin that I warned about. Hell is other people.