A Short Rant
My relationship with J** is over. He dropped me like I was garbage and kicked me like I was a soccer ball. I'm heartbroken, soul shattered, and just generally fucked up. I really did love him. Still do. You want to know the real kicker. He was supposed to come down July 1st - July 6th. If it had just been 4 more days I would have gotten to see him and he might have realized I was worth having. Maybe that's just wishful thinking. And those 5 days would have been wonderful for me! They would have been perfect. And then he could have had his revelation. about not loving me. Life threw sand in my eyes, pushed me down, and then kicked me in the stomach. And I'm a good person. I do right by people. I cheer people up. I help them through the rough times. I do good works. So why does the Universe keep giving me a few moments of happiness and then snatching them away again? It's not fair. And I know, the world's not a fair place all too well. I've been through enough of life's experiences to know something that simple. Why couldn't he love me like I loved him. And yes, I know it has nothing to do with me. It just hurts so bad. I heal hurts in other people but I feel it's selfish to try and heal my own. My gift is for other people, not myself. I'm at a loss for comfort and joy and existence. Which is all stupid because I know all things are transitory. I should just be able to say, "Well, this didn't work out. That's ok. It wasn't meant to. Time to move on." And I know this. My faith tells me this, but my faith fails me when it comes to matters of the heart. A broken heart and a shattered soul.