delicious red
I had some crazy ass dreams last night. It could have had something to do with the pizza I ate last night, or it could have had something to do with some decisions i've started making (and some still deciding) in my life in the last couple of days. i dont know.
A while ago I asked this girl I work with out, we went out once, spent about an hour together before she had to leave, and then I said I would call her. I did call her, a few times, I actually talked to her once, the rest of the time I left messages. But its been really weird between me and her lately at work. We hadn't talked at all except for maybe one or two "did they already get their pizza?" and that was it. Last night she seemed to lighten up a bit, and was talking to me a little more, and I to her. But I still feel bad. I feel like I blew her off. I mean, she wasn't too receptive towards me, but it feels like I wronged her. I have my reasons for my stopage of calls, but I don't know how to let her know what those reasons are without hurting her feelings. Its always so hard when relationships stillbirth like that and you can't really explain to the other person why... and its not that bad really, it was just that after a couple of weeks something came to my attention about why I was attracted to her, and a few things about her personality that I wasn't so sure that I liked... now, of course, i'm having second thoughts about the whole thing, and thinking maybe if i had just stuck with it and tried a little harder it would have workded out beautifully. shit, but if i do try again and then stop calling again, it just makes everything worse... maybe i should just ask her out for coffee or something and then lay some truth on her and see what happens from there. it sounds like a good plan in theory, and at the very least i can apologize and not feel like an asshole whenever i see her.
my dreams last night were so freaking vivid. beautiful women, old houses, casinos, strange people.
I just was reading skots blog and he was talking about just leaving reno and moving on up to portland, which is, in my opinion, admirable. I've been thinking about getting the hell out of here for a long time. it wouldn't be summer without a vague threat by me about just up and leaving one day. i dont think i'm going to do well this semester in college, if i dont, i very well might start looking into where i should b e at this time in my life. college isn't feeling right for me anymore, if it ever did. it didn't. i didn't make it very long before i dropped out the first time, i dont think im going to make it much further right now before i drop out yet again. we'll see what happens, in the mean time i've decided that i just need to work on myself for a while. maybe if i can get myself a little more straightened out, I can finally figure out what the hell i need to do next.
In my dream near the end I said some things that, if I said them to someone else, would have been out of character for me. If I was just thinking them in my dream it would have been similar to other things that I think from time to time. It made me realize that there is a bit of a gap between what I say and what I think a lot of the time.
When I write in here it is both an attempt to write about my life a little, and, in a small way, to start learning to open up a little bit. Because opening up isn't something you are born with, it has to be worked on. If you are lucky it happens when your young and you are a lot better at it for the rest of your life. If not, then you just start hiding yourself. I am attempting to shed this. They say that everyone has skeletons in their closet, well, I suppose I have a few as well, but most of them are of an embarrising nature rather then of a "deep dark secret" nature. There isn't a lot that I feel I really need to hide. It'd be hard for someone to blackmail me, I guess would be a way to look at it. Does that mean that I want every part of my life out there for everyone to examine and poke and prod at? No, it just means that there really isn't a whole lot I feel I need to keep hidden, but I keep a few things hidden because I like my privacy, and I dont think there is anything wrong with that. I guess my whole point here is that I dont have a reason to be secretive, but I guess I am sometimes. The only exception I make to not wanting to be mysterious is when trying to win a girl, because, dont ask me why, girls like a mystery man. Just enough to make them interested, then you slowly reveal that there really isn't that much mystery to you as time goes on.
my dreams were some of them very disturbing, and some of them made me wish for a new life for myself. a grand new life with ninjas and beautiful women and crazy surrelist visions of cities...
A while ago I asked this girl I work with out, we went out once, spent about an hour together before she had to leave, and then I said I would call her. I did call her, a few times, I actually talked to her once, the rest of the time I left messages. But its been really weird between me and her lately at work. We hadn't talked at all except for maybe one or two "did they already get their pizza?" and that was it. Last night she seemed to lighten up a bit, and was talking to me a little more, and I to her. But I still feel bad. I feel like I blew her off. I mean, she wasn't too receptive towards me, but it feels like I wronged her. I have my reasons for my stopage of calls, but I don't know how to let her know what those reasons are without hurting her feelings. Its always so hard when relationships stillbirth like that and you can't really explain to the other person why... and its not that bad really, it was just that after a couple of weeks something came to my attention about why I was attracted to her, and a few things about her personality that I wasn't so sure that I liked... now, of course, i'm having second thoughts about the whole thing, and thinking maybe if i had just stuck with it and tried a little harder it would have workded out beautifully. shit, but if i do try again and then stop calling again, it just makes everything worse... maybe i should just ask her out for coffee or something and then lay some truth on her and see what happens from there. it sounds like a good plan in theory, and at the very least i can apologize and not feel like an asshole whenever i see her.
my dreams last night were so freaking vivid. beautiful women, old houses, casinos, strange people.
I just was reading skots blog and he was talking about just leaving reno and moving on up to portland, which is, in my opinion, admirable. I've been thinking about getting the hell out of here for a long time. it wouldn't be summer without a vague threat by me about just up and leaving one day. i dont think i'm going to do well this semester in college, if i dont, i very well might start looking into where i should b e at this time in my life. college isn't feeling right for me anymore, if it ever did. it didn't. i didn't make it very long before i dropped out the first time, i dont think im going to make it much further right now before i drop out yet again. we'll see what happens, in the mean time i've decided that i just need to work on myself for a while. maybe if i can get myself a little more straightened out, I can finally figure out what the hell i need to do next.
In my dream near the end I said some things that, if I said them to someone else, would have been out of character for me. If I was just thinking them in my dream it would have been similar to other things that I think from time to time. It made me realize that there is a bit of a gap between what I say and what I think a lot of the time.
When I write in here it is both an attempt to write about my life a little, and, in a small way, to start learning to open up a little bit. Because opening up isn't something you are born with, it has to be worked on. If you are lucky it happens when your young and you are a lot better at it for the rest of your life. If not, then you just start hiding yourself. I am attempting to shed this. They say that everyone has skeletons in their closet, well, I suppose I have a few as well, but most of them are of an embarrising nature rather then of a "deep dark secret" nature. There isn't a lot that I feel I really need to hide. It'd be hard for someone to blackmail me, I guess would be a way to look at it. Does that mean that I want every part of my life out there for everyone to examine and poke and prod at? No, it just means that there really isn't a whole lot I feel I need to keep hidden, but I keep a few things hidden because I like my privacy, and I dont think there is anything wrong with that. I guess my whole point here is that I dont have a reason to be secretive, but I guess I am sometimes. The only exception I make to not wanting to be mysterious is when trying to win a girl, because, dont ask me why, girls like a mystery man. Just enough to make them interested, then you slowly reveal that there really isn't that much mystery to you as time goes on.
my dreams were some of them very disturbing, and some of them made me wish for a new life for myself. a grand new life with ninjas and beautiful women and crazy surrelist visions of cities...