Restore from saved data (2)
I wish I could write novels like Chuck Palahniuk. They just seem to have so much soul. I don't know if I've ever had soul for any creative endevour I have pursued. I remember once when I was taking guitar lessons my teacher telling me to add some soul to it. I just hit all the notes a lot harder. I can make things louder, I can't seem to make them full of feeling.
I think the great secret of all great artist, rather it be in painting, singing, writing, etc. is that they all have their medium as the only possible way of expressing themselves. I think the only way I can express myself is through writing, mostly because I can't seem to do it in any other form, and yet my writing seems to lack soul. I'm always trying to create something beautiful. I wonder if people that have seen true beauty in their lives are able to make more beautiful art than those that have seen true suffering. From suffering, it seems that they would be able to create a beautiful world because it is the opposite of what they have seen. From beauty they simply try to transcribe what they have seen. Maybe they can both do it equally as well. I've never really dealt with either. How can I imagine pure beauty without seeing pure pain? How can I see beauty if I've never seen it?
I think of myself as an artist because I don't know what the hell else I am. A philosopher maybe, but not really, not in any traditional or even modern sense. Philosophers are smart, but a lot of modern philosophy seems to me like masturbation. They feel a sense of accomplishment, but they have accomplished nothing. Of course, maybe I just see it through my own mind set, but hell, peoples mind sets are vital to philosophy. According to what my Philosophy instructor would say to this, I am a Pyrronist (sorry if I misspelled it). Meaning that every argument has a counterargument, so no one should bother. In my mind, to prove my stance, the professor took a stance to try to prove a point and although I saw a major hole in his argument early in the argument, I said nothing, in order to let other people speak their minds, but about five minutes before class was out, I raised my hand slowly and completely blew his argument out of the water. He was holding a piece of chalk in his hand at the time, and he looked at me, laughed, and threw the chalk in the air in a futile gesture. Then, when he stopped laughing, he said, "well, it's feeling a little warm in here," meaning to me he was feeling a little red in the face, "so class dismissed." Sometimes I feel like I could kick philosophers arguments around all day if I had to. But I don't want to do that. I want to learn something, get closer to some sort of enlightenment. But I don't, because, really, I don't care that much. If they get something out of it why should I sit here and tell them they are wrong?
So I think of myself as an artist. Because it seems like I am going to create something great, but right now I can't do it. I've decided that if I ever write a novel, I am going to make it my goal to try to get it into the running for a Pulitzer. I don't think I could ever write anything that was even considered, but I want to make it my goal to try to make it something that might be considered. I don't know if that makes any sense. Let me put it this way, I don't want to create anything unless I feel that it is great, important, necessary. Otherwise, whats the point? Of course, I can't seem to get past the first few pages of any story/novel that I've tried to write. It's kind of hard to do anything when you won't except anything but the very best. But I'm not going to relent on this idea. I may never publish a book, I may never get on the bestseller list. But I am not going to let myself do anything half-assed in the one field that I actually feel like I am good at. I'm a goddamn artist, and what I do is important, damnit, even if it is only to me...
I've been feeling lately like I've been struggling against the idea of what I am going to do after college. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know, and I've never really known for sure, but now its starting to come much more to the forefront of my mind. I think it is because there is almost no way that I will not graduate by next year. Once I graduate, I am no longer part of this school system I have been in since I was a little kid. I mean, I know, I know, I chose to go to college, but I never had a choice in that, my parents were always insistent that I went to college. I had about as good a chance of not going to college as I had of not ...making crappy metaphors. My point is, I've always been confined to a system, and although I try to find all the wiggle room I can within the system, I never really try to break out of the system. So what happens when I am out of a system? If I am the artist that I proclaim to be, then I should be able to make it work, and although I cling to that idea, I am still afraid that I am not going to be able to make anything happen. I've never had to make anything happen in my life. Things happen to me. Or they seem to. I like to think that I can make things happen, and yet, I could easily be wrong. And if I am wrong, then everything thats ever happened to me before that point will start laughing at me.
I think the great secret of all great artist, rather it be in painting, singing, writing, etc. is that they all have their medium as the only possible way of expressing themselves. I think the only way I can express myself is through writing, mostly because I can't seem to do it in any other form, and yet my writing seems to lack soul. I'm always trying to create something beautiful. I wonder if people that have seen true beauty in their lives are able to make more beautiful art than those that have seen true suffering. From suffering, it seems that they would be able to create a beautiful world because it is the opposite of what they have seen. From beauty they simply try to transcribe what they have seen. Maybe they can both do it equally as well. I've never really dealt with either. How can I imagine pure beauty without seeing pure pain? How can I see beauty if I've never seen it?
I think of myself as an artist because I don't know what the hell else I am. A philosopher maybe, but not really, not in any traditional or even modern sense. Philosophers are smart, but a lot of modern philosophy seems to me like masturbation. They feel a sense of accomplishment, but they have accomplished nothing. Of course, maybe I just see it through my own mind set, but hell, peoples mind sets are vital to philosophy. According to what my Philosophy instructor would say to this, I am a Pyrronist (sorry if I misspelled it). Meaning that every argument has a counterargument, so no one should bother. In my mind, to prove my stance, the professor took a stance to try to prove a point and although I saw a major hole in his argument early in the argument, I said nothing, in order to let other people speak their minds, but about five minutes before class was out, I raised my hand slowly and completely blew his argument out of the water. He was holding a piece of chalk in his hand at the time, and he looked at me, laughed, and threw the chalk in the air in a futile gesture. Then, when he stopped laughing, he said, "well, it's feeling a little warm in here," meaning to me he was feeling a little red in the face, "so class dismissed." Sometimes I feel like I could kick philosophers arguments around all day if I had to. But I don't want to do that. I want to learn something, get closer to some sort of enlightenment. But I don't, because, really, I don't care that much. If they get something out of it why should I sit here and tell them they are wrong?
So I think of myself as an artist. Because it seems like I am going to create something great, but right now I can't do it. I've decided that if I ever write a novel, I am going to make it my goal to try to get it into the running for a Pulitzer. I don't think I could ever write anything that was even considered, but I want to make it my goal to try to make it something that might be considered. I don't know if that makes any sense. Let me put it this way, I don't want to create anything unless I feel that it is great, important, necessary. Otherwise, whats the point? Of course, I can't seem to get past the first few pages of any story/novel that I've tried to write. It's kind of hard to do anything when you won't except anything but the very best. But I'm not going to relent on this idea. I may never publish a book, I may never get on the bestseller list. But I am not going to let myself do anything half-assed in the one field that I actually feel like I am good at. I'm a goddamn artist, and what I do is important, damnit, even if it is only to me...
I've been feeling lately like I've been struggling against the idea of what I am going to do after college. What do I want to do with my life? I don't know, and I've never really known for sure, but now its starting to come much more to the forefront of my mind. I think it is because there is almost no way that I will not graduate by next year. Once I graduate, I am no longer part of this school system I have been in since I was a little kid. I mean, I know, I know, I chose to go to college, but I never had a choice in that, my parents were always insistent that I went to college. I had about as good a chance of not going to college as I had of not ...making crappy metaphors. My point is, I've always been confined to a system, and although I try to find all the wiggle room I can within the system, I never really try to break out of the system. So what happens when I am out of a system? If I am the artist that I proclaim to be, then I should be able to make it work, and although I cling to that idea, I am still afraid that I am not going to be able to make anything happen. I've never had to make anything happen in my life. Things happen to me. Or they seem to. I like to think that I can make things happen, and yet, I could easily be wrong. And if I am wrong, then everything thats ever happened to me before that point will start laughing at me.