Struggle of Life.
Well yesterday the words were just ready to flow out of me, but I crashed before they made it to the page. Now I'm gonna try to force them out cuz I just need to say what I'm thinking. Yes it's going to be a rant, but this is more for me than anyone else, I thought just maybe this would help others understand.
I dropped all my classes for this semester in an attempt to maybe feel productive. The pressures around me and in me were just too much. I'm trying to make a positive transition forward.
I have anxiety. Or I severely feel I do. I don't know who I am anymore. I put on this front to get through my days, smiling at the old stuff, working my job, taking care of things around the house. I don't feel like myself. I force myself through each day, looking for something to find happiness in.
Instead of being happy, I repeat my same mistakes. I do things that should make a person feel happy, but instead, I feel ignored and unappreciated. Yet, I can't stop myself from continuing these motions. I feel betrayed by myself for not being able to control my actions.
I just want to move on. Past things that have held me down for YEARS. I want to know why I'm here. The meaning of my life. I want to have a purpose, a reason for being. I'd like to know if I'm appreciated, if I'm needed/wanted in this world.
I know most of you who read this are gonna be like "but you have so much... blah blah blah", but you know what, it doesn't mean shit unless you feel something. Something other than dread, hate of life. It's really difficult when you have no motivation to do anything, not even get out of bed. It just doesn't seem worth it when everything you try so hard for denies you right back. Relationships, jobs, friendships. Everything.
There is much more to say, but no words with which to say it. I can't type anymore. I've totally used the word 'I' way too much in this entry. Just done. Done.
I dropped all my classes for this semester in an attempt to maybe feel productive. The pressures around me and in me were just too much. I'm trying to make a positive transition forward.
I have anxiety. Or I severely feel I do. I don't know who I am anymore. I put on this front to get through my days, smiling at the old stuff, working my job, taking care of things around the house. I don't feel like myself. I force myself through each day, looking for something to find happiness in.
Instead of being happy, I repeat my same mistakes. I do things that should make a person feel happy, but instead, I feel ignored and unappreciated. Yet, I can't stop myself from continuing these motions. I feel betrayed by myself for not being able to control my actions.
I just want to move on. Past things that have held me down for YEARS. I want to know why I'm here. The meaning of my life. I want to have a purpose, a reason for being. I'd like to know if I'm appreciated, if I'm needed/wanted in this world.
I know most of you who read this are gonna be like "but you have so much... blah blah blah", but you know what, it doesn't mean shit unless you feel something. Something other than dread, hate of life. It's really difficult when you have no motivation to do anything, not even get out of bed. It just doesn't seem worth it when everything you try so hard for denies you right back. Relationships, jobs, friendships. Everything.
There is much more to say, but no words with which to say it. I can't type anymore. I've totally used the word 'I' way too much in this entry. Just done. Done.