Love
Warning: lot of religousy stuff. If you don't like it, do please skip this one :) Thanks!
So I'd been planning on eating a pepper and cheese pizza for quite a while and had offered the other half to michael (It's a brand of pizza that makes them reeeeally big). I had kind of expected either a.) that he wouldn't want it, or b.) that I'd drop his half off at his place and eat mine at mine. Neither of these propositions bothered me. But last night, before the pizza was even done, he came over! He hung out for a couple of hours eating the pizza and playing fallout three while I watched/studied.
The pizza, by the way, was amazing. I'm very glad I tried it :)
It was just so cool though, because it was totally unexpected and didn't feel awkward at all. I've been working very hard to 'let him go' in the sense of having no preference about how our relationship plays out. I'm actually working on this with everyone, for reasons I'll explain in a bit. I got to share my work on love, which is really nice because its such a big thing for me right now. Technically gladness is my first focus, and then love, mostly because if I try it in reverse I pu my hope for happiness in people and not in god.
So, when I tell people I've 'given up' crushes, sometimes they're sad for me. It actually makes me sad that they're sad because I think that means they don't get it. It's not a sad and dejected giving up on ever loving. It's the exact opposite, actually. I've found that as long as I have a want in a person, I'm trying to possess them, even with my hopes.
Lets say I have a crush on Mr. D. That crush means I want him. If I get him, I'm happy. If I don't, I may act 'noble' but in truth I'm sad. It will hurt the relationship between us, even inadvertently. Even if I try to be 'ok' with it. But that want is like me wanting a car. I want to have, I think I can have people. But I can never possess a person! To dream of doing so, to dream of keeping or losing someone, its kind of cruel. Everyone in my life is there on loan. It is not loving to put emotions in the hands of anyone but god. I think a lot of people would find that less loving, but my goal is NOT to recieve love. It is NOT to have any kind of particular relationship with anyone. My goal is to love everyone I meet as perfectly as I can, regardless of whether I have known them ten seconds or ten years.
In matthew (12) Jesus says:
46While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."[g]
48He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
And elsewhere he says: (matthew 10)
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;
And its not a competing love. Loving god first and foremost, putting all hope and trust in god, it's easier to express love. REAL love. A love that is not selfseeking, that can wait patiently, and knows good cheer. Giving a person power over your hopes and emotions takes that power from god (by that I mean, you give someone more power over you than you give god).
We as people seem to kind of like drama. We like thinking that we can lose someone, that once they have decided to 'leave us' by death or a change in relationship, our love is somehow severed or lessened. Drama says to cry, to be angry, to be a false martyr ('I hurt, but I want YOU to be happy'). Love says to be happy, and confident knowing the love you have is undamaged. It takes a lot of courage to let go of the idea that a person you cherish has the power to hurt you. But when you do, you find a purer love. It 'keeps no record of wrongdoings.' Now, I'm not saying to stay in an abusive relationship. If a person hurts you physically or tries to, then its loving to you to remove yourself. Removing yourself likewise cannot remove a well founded love - but loving is not the same as saying everything someone does is good or right.
I guess people think giving up the drama, the attachments, the passion means giving up love. But to me as I've experienced, giving those things up is kind of like giving up my binky. Maybe I miss it sometimes, and miss the comfort of something well known. But I know that by having no desires of any one person that if I am in a relationship again, it will have a better foundation on my part, and I will be able to give volumes more than I ever have before.
I guess the last thing is that wanting someone - or something - inspires fear at its very inception. To want is to fear loss (when that want isn't put in god). It inspires the fear of mistakes and the fear of future suffering. But if you ever feel fear in love, you aren't being made perfect in love:
1 John 14
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Fear and love don't live in the same place. As soon as fear comes into the emotional room, love has to leave because it doesn't exist by its opposite. And that seems countercultural. Like if a person is sick, it feels natural to be afraid. But your fear doesn't do them any good, and it keeps your heart from belonging to god. Why? Because you don't want to give up something, even the comfort of normalcy. Now, when I was with michael I said I'd given our relationship up by being always open to gods word, that if he said it ended then I'd go with that. But giving events isn't the same as giving your heart. By not giving my heart, it made it harder for me to listen to him, and it made all my gifts begrudging. Like if at christmas your parents gave you a TV but only because you really needed it and they weren't very happy about it. That's not a nice way to give! And with god, we have greater reason to give freely and without negative emotion because he is the one who gave whatever we fear losing to us in the first place! Its like borrowing your friends car and now they need it again. Why be mad that they reclaim their own? And with god we can have absolute trust that returning something to him does not leave us impoverished - god meets our needs.
Fear also implies personal power, or makes us want to use it. I.E. fear of someone not being saved. YOU never have any personal power to save someone! We have no power of ourselves. Do as god instructs, and to your best, and beyond that trust. Maybe that seems counterintuitive, because we 'fight' evil. But God IS power, THE power, and against that nothing else stands a chance (go team God!)
So all of this probably sounded preachy. It's what I've been working on. Seeing it, knowing it, and living it are all different. Putting it into practice every day is the hardest part. Letting go of and putting down the temptation to have crushes is hard, and loving the man that cut me off (without condoning his actions) is also hard. I am tempted a lot to get sad because of what I 'don't have' (i.e. get nostalgic about michael). THAT one makes me angry - to me, it's evil using the face of someone I work hard to express real love to, and thats just dirty >_> I lack nothing.
So, yeah, if you'd like to try and join me in letting pesonal attachments go, then yay! If not, it doesn't bother me one iota. I'd love to share, but I have no need to see anyone else change by my words, actions, or anything really.
:D Hope ya'll have a terrific day!
So I'd been planning on eating a pepper and cheese pizza for quite a while and had offered the other half to michael (It's a brand of pizza that makes them reeeeally big). I had kind of expected either a.) that he wouldn't want it, or b.) that I'd drop his half off at his place and eat mine at mine. Neither of these propositions bothered me. But last night, before the pizza was even done, he came over! He hung out for a couple of hours eating the pizza and playing fallout three while I watched/studied.
The pizza, by the way, was amazing. I'm very glad I tried it :)
It was just so cool though, because it was totally unexpected and didn't feel awkward at all. I've been working very hard to 'let him go' in the sense of having no preference about how our relationship plays out. I'm actually working on this with everyone, for reasons I'll explain in a bit. I got to share my work on love, which is really nice because its such a big thing for me right now. Technically gladness is my first focus, and then love, mostly because if I try it in reverse I pu my hope for happiness in people and not in god.
So, when I tell people I've 'given up' crushes, sometimes they're sad for me. It actually makes me sad that they're sad because I think that means they don't get it. It's not a sad and dejected giving up on ever loving. It's the exact opposite, actually. I've found that as long as I have a want in a person, I'm trying to possess them, even with my hopes.
Lets say I have a crush on Mr. D. That crush means I want him. If I get him, I'm happy. If I don't, I may act 'noble' but in truth I'm sad. It will hurt the relationship between us, even inadvertently. Even if I try to be 'ok' with it. But that want is like me wanting a car. I want to have, I think I can have people. But I can never possess a person! To dream of doing so, to dream of keeping or losing someone, its kind of cruel. Everyone in my life is there on loan. It is not loving to put emotions in the hands of anyone but god. I think a lot of people would find that less loving, but my goal is NOT to recieve love. It is NOT to have any kind of particular relationship with anyone. My goal is to love everyone I meet as perfectly as I can, regardless of whether I have known them ten seconds or ten years.
In matthew (12) Jesus says:
46While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him. 47Someone told him, "Your mother and brothers are standing outside, wanting to speak to you."[g]
48He replied to him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" 49Pointing to his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
And elsewhere he says: (matthew 10)
"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me;
And its not a competing love. Loving god first and foremost, putting all hope and trust in god, it's easier to express love. REAL love. A love that is not selfseeking, that can wait patiently, and knows good cheer. Giving a person power over your hopes and emotions takes that power from god (by that I mean, you give someone more power over you than you give god).
We as people seem to kind of like drama. We like thinking that we can lose someone, that once they have decided to 'leave us' by death or a change in relationship, our love is somehow severed or lessened. Drama says to cry, to be angry, to be a false martyr ('I hurt, but I want YOU to be happy'). Love says to be happy, and confident knowing the love you have is undamaged. It takes a lot of courage to let go of the idea that a person you cherish has the power to hurt you. But when you do, you find a purer love. It 'keeps no record of wrongdoings.' Now, I'm not saying to stay in an abusive relationship. If a person hurts you physically or tries to, then its loving to you to remove yourself. Removing yourself likewise cannot remove a well founded love - but loving is not the same as saying everything someone does is good or right.
I guess people think giving up the drama, the attachments, the passion means giving up love. But to me as I've experienced, giving those things up is kind of like giving up my binky. Maybe I miss it sometimes, and miss the comfort of something well known. But I know that by having no desires of any one person that if I am in a relationship again, it will have a better foundation on my part, and I will be able to give volumes more than I ever have before.
I guess the last thing is that wanting someone - or something - inspires fear at its very inception. To want is to fear loss (when that want isn't put in god). It inspires the fear of mistakes and the fear of future suffering. But if you ever feel fear in love, you aren't being made perfect in love:
1 John 14
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
Fear and love don't live in the same place. As soon as fear comes into the emotional room, love has to leave because it doesn't exist by its opposite. And that seems countercultural. Like if a person is sick, it feels natural to be afraid. But your fear doesn't do them any good, and it keeps your heart from belonging to god. Why? Because you don't want to give up something, even the comfort of normalcy. Now, when I was with michael I said I'd given our relationship up by being always open to gods word, that if he said it ended then I'd go with that. But giving events isn't the same as giving your heart. By not giving my heart, it made it harder for me to listen to him, and it made all my gifts begrudging. Like if at christmas your parents gave you a TV but only because you really needed it and they weren't very happy about it. That's not a nice way to give! And with god, we have greater reason to give freely and without negative emotion because he is the one who gave whatever we fear losing to us in the first place! Its like borrowing your friends car and now they need it again. Why be mad that they reclaim their own? And with god we can have absolute trust that returning something to him does not leave us impoverished - god meets our needs.
Fear also implies personal power, or makes us want to use it. I.E. fear of someone not being saved. YOU never have any personal power to save someone! We have no power of ourselves. Do as god instructs, and to your best, and beyond that trust. Maybe that seems counterintuitive, because we 'fight' evil. But God IS power, THE power, and against that nothing else stands a chance (go team God!)
So all of this probably sounded preachy. It's what I've been working on. Seeing it, knowing it, and living it are all different. Putting it into practice every day is the hardest part. Letting go of and putting down the temptation to have crushes is hard, and loving the man that cut me off (without condoning his actions) is also hard. I am tempted a lot to get sad because of what I 'don't have' (i.e. get nostalgic about michael). THAT one makes me angry - to me, it's evil using the face of someone I work hard to express real love to, and thats just dirty >_> I lack nothing.
So, yeah, if you'd like to try and join me in letting pesonal attachments go, then yay! If not, it doesn't bother me one iota. I'd love to share, but I have no need to see anyone else change by my words, actions, or anything really.
:D Hope ya'll have a terrific day!