The Seven Habits of Highly Moronic Teenagers
1. Wrist-Slitting: Most people I know who cut themselves have no intentions of committing suicide; they just want attention. Then they give these bullshit excuses like, "I'm feeling a strong emotional pain on the inside, and I need to let it out by inflicting that same pain on my outer self." For about three weeks of freshman year I dated a girl who let me slit her wrists. Wow, that was hot! That's what wrist-slitting should be: an erotic thing, not a "desperate teenager's cry for help."
2. Selling Drugs: There are people whose entire income relies on the drug game, you asshole. If you are a drug dealer and you are reading someone's live journal, then you have no business dealing drugs. You're just taking work away from all those honest, hard-working drug dealers who need that money. Those people can't go to their daddies and ask for $20 to go to the mall; they have families to feed, and drug money is the only way they can. Wow, see how sentimental I can be?
3. Reuniting with Previous Significant Others: This is one of those things that we smart people just fantasize about but never actually do. Let me explain why it doesn't work in real life. Let's say your girlfriend dumps you. What's the first thing you do? You plot a revenge to have sex with her mother so that you can be there at her house the next morning, as your ex comes downstairs to find you, sitting in her father's favorite chair, smoking a tobacco pipe and reading the Wall Street Journal while her mother is cooking you breakfast (or something equally creative). Meanwhile, in real life, your ex tells you that she wants to get back together. Now you have to pretend that you're still attracted to her, even though all you can think about is how much hotter/easier/more experienced her mother is. Getting back together is a cute concept for love songs, but it doesn't work. (P.S. Ella, we're still getting married.)
4. Smiling: It's a known fact that smart people never smile. If you haven't learned that by now, I'm surprised you don't have trouble reading. It's a shame that only stupid people smile, though, because stupid people have ugly teeth.
5. Listening to Radiohead: Oh, wow, they're original. Who the fuck cares? One time I went to a Radiohead concert with Karina, and I stared at the ground the whole time because the ground was honestly more interesting than that garbage. Thanks Karina for wasting 2 hours of my life that I could have spent at a shitty comedy club or learning how to play clarinet. Oh, and since everyone seems to be so infatuated with Radiohead's "originality," perhaps I should start making records of myself smashing cell phones while R. Kelly's and Paris Hilton's sex tapes are both playing simultaneously in the background. That's more original than Radiohead, so maybe I can make platinum records and get grammys, too. There's more to music than "uniqueness," morons.
6. Having Divorced Parents: A lot of people try and convince me that it's not their fault their parents are divorced. What the fuck? Of course it's your fault, dimwit! Were things between your parents so bad before you came along? Nope. It's all your fault. No wonder you need to cut your wrists to get attention from your single parents who don't give a fuck about you. Go ahead. They'd probably be happier if you just went all the way and killed yourself. After all, you've already fucked up their marriage. How much more damage can you possibly do?
7. Writing "List of Things that Piss Me off" Rants on Live Journal: Nobody gives a fuck what you think. You think you can make a difference by complaining to other idiots? No such luck. If your opinion had any value to anyone, you wouldn't be stuck at your computer updating your live journal, would you? Anyone who reads your meaningless rants is even stupider than you are for writing them. Anyone who actually pays attention to them and gives a shit what you think is a complete moron. Don't feel encouraged by their attention; they don't have lives, either.
2. Selling Drugs: There are people whose entire income relies on the drug game, you asshole. If you are a drug dealer and you are reading someone's live journal, then you have no business dealing drugs. You're just taking work away from all those honest, hard-working drug dealers who need that money. Those people can't go to their daddies and ask for $20 to go to the mall; they have families to feed, and drug money is the only way they can. Wow, see how sentimental I can be?
3. Reuniting with Previous Significant Others: This is one of those things that we smart people just fantasize about but never actually do. Let me explain why it doesn't work in real life. Let's say your girlfriend dumps you. What's the first thing you do? You plot a revenge to have sex with her mother so that you can be there at her house the next morning, as your ex comes downstairs to find you, sitting in her father's favorite chair, smoking a tobacco pipe and reading the Wall Street Journal while her mother is cooking you breakfast (or something equally creative). Meanwhile, in real life, your ex tells you that she wants to get back together. Now you have to pretend that you're still attracted to her, even though all you can think about is how much hotter/easier/more experienced her mother is. Getting back together is a cute concept for love songs, but it doesn't work. (P.S. Ella, we're still getting married.)
4. Smiling: It's a known fact that smart people never smile. If you haven't learned that by now, I'm surprised you don't have trouble reading. It's a shame that only stupid people smile, though, because stupid people have ugly teeth.
5. Listening to Radiohead: Oh, wow, they're original. Who the fuck cares? One time I went to a Radiohead concert with Karina, and I stared at the ground the whole time because the ground was honestly more interesting than that garbage. Thanks Karina for wasting 2 hours of my life that I could have spent at a shitty comedy club or learning how to play clarinet. Oh, and since everyone seems to be so infatuated with Radiohead's "originality," perhaps I should start making records of myself smashing cell phones while R. Kelly's and Paris Hilton's sex tapes are both playing simultaneously in the background. That's more original than Radiohead, so maybe I can make platinum records and get grammys, too. There's more to music than "uniqueness," morons.
6. Having Divorced Parents: A lot of people try and convince me that it's not their fault their parents are divorced. What the fuck? Of course it's your fault, dimwit! Were things between your parents so bad before you came along? Nope. It's all your fault. No wonder you need to cut your wrists to get attention from your single parents who don't give a fuck about you. Go ahead. They'd probably be happier if you just went all the way and killed yourself. After all, you've already fucked up their marriage. How much more damage can you possibly do?
7. Writing "List of Things that Piss Me off" Rants on Live Journal: Nobody gives a fuck what you think. You think you can make a difference by complaining to other idiots? No such luck. If your opinion had any value to anyone, you wouldn't be stuck at your computer updating your live journal, would you? Anyone who reads your meaningless rants is even stupider than you are for writing them. Anyone who actually pays attention to them and gives a shit what you think is a complete moron. Don't feel encouraged by their attention; they don't have lives, either.