(no subject)
hey, everybody... andy, scott, emily, cathy, paul, tony, adam, maryj...
i'm sick of patch-over apologies that cover up a problem and ignore it. i'm sick of pretending everything is okay. i'm sick of thinking i know everything. i'm sick of all of it. so this is my apology. i'm sorry. i've been rude, insensitive, intrusive, mean, etc. to (and between) most of you. and i've discovered it's all out of... anger, jealousy, greed, envy, selfishness... i felt like my friends were being torn away from me. and all of you guys mean so much to me.. tony, a brother (i've heard the correct term is actually "brotha"), cathy, the first person to pierce that wall of whatever it was that had built up around wherever feelings come from, my first friend since about 4th grade, andy, the only person who would ever let TDWM go on, scott always knows when someone needs a good smack, paul mi amigo... i've spent almost two years now or however long it's been since i met you scared that you were going to turn out like everybody else i'd known. andy and adam - you guys don't know how much i envy the fact that you've been friends for so long. most of the friends i had in first grade either i lost contact with or turned into the types of people that losers make fun of.
i've said so many times that emotions are frivolous and blind you.. and they are and they do. but i forgot that they also blind me. i forgot that sometimes - often - i need to smack myself in the face and figure out what's going on. i keep telling you to look at what's important, and me, i don't do that so often.
i've denied i have emotions, but no - i have very strong emotions. and i've let them get in the way of what's important.
i get so frustrated talking with some of you and i want to scream how the heck can you be so stupid?? now i'm thinking how the heck can you put up with me?
i've blown a lot of things out of proportion. i've chased revenge like a dog chases its tail. half the crap i'm going through, at least half, is my fault. and i think i've blamed most of it on you.
Andy, I'm sorry for making such a big deal about.. that was jealousy, envy, and I was mad at myself for not seeing it coming. The two non-losers at a loser party.. I really resent when loser parties turn into flirt or hookup parties. But the thing is, that's my problem. I'm sorry.
Adam and Mary (especially Adam), I'm sorry for making such a big deal about the ignoring thing. It was definitely happening and it was definitely bothering me, and I was afraid that one or two of my friends would be stolen away like that... I dunno, I think I was just being selfish. Jealous. But I'm sorry.
Scott, I've been really rude to you especially, and I really have no idea why. I never hesitated to throw an insult at you. And I'm sorry. You're a lot more rational and level-headed than I gave you credit for. We disagree about a lot of things, and I'm not going to back from where I stand, but I'm sorry for calling you stupid and everything else.
Emily, there's something I have to talk to you about later that I'm not going to post here, but I'm sorry for that too.
Mary, ditto.
Tony, I've told you to suck it up and get over it a million times, and I still think that's the best thing that you can do. But I haven't been very polite about it, and I'm sorry.
Cathy, you probably don't know this, but I've been ignoring you a lot. I tried to hide it from you because maybe then I could hide it from myself and then maybe it wouldn't be true. I especially can't afford to lose my alterego, for about five million reasons that I can't post here. If you hadn't said "hi" in science class or in the line for pictures the first couple days last year, I wouldn't just be a loser, I'd be a complete loner. Every friendship I have now I owe to you - you were the one who decided to go sit with Tony, Bryce, and Adam at lunch, which really started the loser group. The first loser party at Adam's when Andy was there and you were sick and I kept passing the phone... when you rant online and I just say "lol" "haha" "that stinks" "funn" and equally nothing... I'm really sorry.
To everybody, I very much feel like crap right now about it all, and I'm sorry. I want to close this off with an "i love you" to all of you but that would be misinterpreted beyond what I'm in the mood for now, so I'm just gonna say that I philio (greek for nonsexual, friendly love) all of you very much.
Scott, smack me in the face, please. (Yes, again.)
i'm sick of patch-over apologies that cover up a problem and ignore it. i'm sick of pretending everything is okay. i'm sick of thinking i know everything. i'm sick of all of it. so this is my apology. i'm sorry. i've been rude, insensitive, intrusive, mean, etc. to (and between) most of you. and i've discovered it's all out of... anger, jealousy, greed, envy, selfishness... i felt like my friends were being torn away from me. and all of you guys mean so much to me.. tony, a brother (i've heard the correct term is actually "brotha"), cathy, the first person to pierce that wall of whatever it was that had built up around wherever feelings come from, my first friend since about 4th grade, andy, the only person who would ever let TDWM go on, scott always knows when someone needs a good smack, paul mi amigo... i've spent almost two years now or however long it's been since i met you scared that you were going to turn out like everybody else i'd known. andy and adam - you guys don't know how much i envy the fact that you've been friends for so long. most of the friends i had in first grade either i lost contact with or turned into the types of people that losers make fun of.
i've said so many times that emotions are frivolous and blind you.. and they are and they do. but i forgot that they also blind me. i forgot that sometimes - often - i need to smack myself in the face and figure out what's going on. i keep telling you to look at what's important, and me, i don't do that so often.
i've denied i have emotions, but no - i have very strong emotions. and i've let them get in the way of what's important.
i get so frustrated talking with some of you and i want to scream how the heck can you be so stupid?? now i'm thinking how the heck can you put up with me?
i've blown a lot of things out of proportion. i've chased revenge like a dog chases its tail. half the crap i'm going through, at least half, is my fault. and i think i've blamed most of it on you.
Andy, I'm sorry for making such a big deal about.. that was jealousy, envy, and I was mad at myself for not seeing it coming. The two non-losers at a loser party.. I really resent when loser parties turn into flirt or hookup parties. But the thing is, that's my problem. I'm sorry.
Adam and Mary (especially Adam), I'm sorry for making such a big deal about the ignoring thing. It was definitely happening and it was definitely bothering me, and I was afraid that one or two of my friends would be stolen away like that... I dunno, I think I was just being selfish. Jealous. But I'm sorry.
Scott, I've been really rude to you especially, and I really have no idea why. I never hesitated to throw an insult at you. And I'm sorry. You're a lot more rational and level-headed than I gave you credit for. We disagree about a lot of things, and I'm not going to back from where I stand, but I'm sorry for calling you stupid and everything else.
Emily, there's something I have to talk to you about later that I'm not going to post here, but I'm sorry for that too.
Mary, ditto.
Tony, I've told you to suck it up and get over it a million times, and I still think that's the best thing that you can do. But I haven't been very polite about it, and I'm sorry.
Cathy, you probably don't know this, but I've been ignoring you a lot. I tried to hide it from you because maybe then I could hide it from myself and then maybe it wouldn't be true. I especially can't afford to lose my alterego, for about five million reasons that I can't post here. If you hadn't said "hi" in science class or in the line for pictures the first couple days last year, I wouldn't just be a loser, I'd be a complete loner. Every friendship I have now I owe to you - you were the one who decided to go sit with Tony, Bryce, and Adam at lunch, which really started the loser group. The first loser party at Adam's when Andy was there and you were sick and I kept passing the phone... when you rant online and I just say "lol" "haha" "that stinks" "funn" and equally nothing... I'm really sorry.
To everybody, I very much feel like crap right now about it all, and I'm sorry. I want to close this off with an "i love you" to all of you but that would be misinterpreted beyond what I'm in the mood for now, so I'm just gonna say that I philio (greek for nonsexual, friendly love) all of you very much.
Scott, smack me in the face, please. (Yes, again.)