Even Earth's Mightiest Heroes cannot compare to Princess Elle...
Story Or Series Title: You’re Not Alone
Fandom: Avengers
Culprit Author's name: Princess of Asgard
Full Name (plus titles if any): Princess Elle
Full Species(es): Who knows? She’s princess of somewhere. She has super powers. She’s blond, I don’t know if that helps.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Blond, but it can turn white or red when she gets angry (can you feel your hatred rising?)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Blue.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None. Or everything. Depends on how you read it.
Special Possessions (if any): A red dress and a green dress.
Annoying Origin: She’s a princess of somewhere, people started a war for her, she grew up with Loki and Thor and then moved away for ten years, long enough so that it would be a surprise when she came back and was beautiful/special/annoying as chiggers.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Is an annoying princess who grew up with Loki and Thor.
Annoying Special Abilities: Abound in this Sue.
Other Annoying Traits: Apparently she can go super saiyan or something. Here, I’ll let her tell you all about how special she is:
A Little introduction to myself. My name is Princess Elle, however just call me Elle. I'm like your other Princesses. You know Girly Girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, loves dresses, Sings etc. However I have the power to control the weather along with force fields. Your know when I'm like this as my hair goes snow white colour along with my eyes turning white. However I have extra powers which I don't like to use and only used when I'm really pissed off and nothing else is working. These powers consist of being able to control people and move and then even kill them and turn them into nothing more than dust. My look changes and my eyes turn blood red and my hair goes hot red too. I think I look bad ass.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Loki: Good evening, and welcome to this community’s first ever Avengers Spork Not by Shirubie.
Thor: Yes, and believe us, it is very very bad.
Tony: I’m telling you guys, reading this thing is worse than the time I woke up from a bender at the Democratic National Convention and all of those senators were walking out of my room, putting on their belts and high-fiving each other…
Loki: I didn’t know you were a Democrat.
Tony: I give generously to both parties. My motto is: “Whoever gets in, I win.” It was working great until they came up with that stupid Occupy Stark Tower movement. Stupid kids, get outta my lobby and go back to college!
Loki: Hm, well, you’re an idiot, shall we move on to this story?
Tony: Please.
Thor: We start with Elle returning to Asgard after being gone for ten years.
Elle POV
Seeing everyone after 10 years is so scary. I think I rather fight in this war then see everyone again. Everyone is going to think I'm going back to Asgard as a girl for Thor with my long blonde hair, blue eyes and a Princess.
Tony: Yeah, Thor, with her blue eyes and a princess, she’s just the girl for you to marriage with and a hot-wildebeast-sex.
Thor: If that is true, then almost every girl on Asgard is a girl for me, Tony.
Loki: Ugh, disgusting troll.
Thor: What?
Loki: Nothing.
Tony: This chick is balls to the wall crazy. She is obsessed with her own damn clothing and keeps talking about how you wear green for Loki and red for Thor, like Loki and Thor are the crips and the bloods and God forbid you wear the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood.
So to make everyone know I'm not for Thor, I'm going to put my green dress on which is Loki symbol colour. I just hope he hasn't got himself a Princess already. What if he has, I could kill her I suppose. But no I'm a Lady so ill have to grin and bare it and hope that she treats Loki the way he should.
Tony: I like the casual, relaxed way she contemplates killing her rival. Its like she’s thinking about how to get a stain out of her clothes. ::: announcer voice::: Girls, is your guy taken? Don’t fool around with low cut blouses and promises of sexual acts the other girls just won’t do. Instead, save your dignity and try some nice murder, now in two colors! (Warning: murder is not for all situations and is not legal, do not commit murder, not recommended for people with souls or courtly ladies).
Loki: And by the way, that feeling like you just walked off the edge of a pier is due to the fact that this sentence has no end, and therefore, makes no sense. The way he should-should what?
Elle POV
Chad and I have arrived to Asgard and were met by the Gate Keeper. He was very glad to see us and knew this day was coming. He asked me how my powers are coming and before I could ask him how he knew, it was like he read my mind and said "I know all child".
Tony: Well then why the hell did he ask?
Thor: Just to be polite, I guess. Heimdall does that sometimes.
Tony: Anyway, moving right along, Princess Elle is one of those beautiful, talented, beautiful, magnanimous, beautiful, charming and (let us not forget) beautiful princesses who people mercilessly mock for no reason. This leads us to discover her mandatory single flaw: her insecurity.
I hated people staring, it worried me. I panicked incise I made foul of myself falling over in these high heels which I never had a problem with until now. The nerves were getting to me so badly.
Loki: Let’s play a game I like to call “Monkey, Zombie, or Megan Fox” It’s where we look at an incomprehensible jumble of letters, grammatical notations and occasionally numbers, and try to figure out if it was written by a monkey, a zombie, or Megan Fox.
Thor: ::: squinting ::: ‘I panicked incise I made foul of myself’…?
Tony: I built an Ark Reactor in a cave in the desert, using my bits of wire I found on the ground and goat-spit for adhesive, and I do not understand what the hell this girl is talking about.
Loki: So…?
Thor: I don’t know. Monkeys are pretty smart. I guess a zombie?
Tony: Zombies at least know what brains are, Thor. I’m going to go with Megan Fox.
Loki: Ding! Point to Tony.
Tony: This next short passage is our obligatory moment where we get a hint of the pretty pretty princess’s super secret magic powers, which I’m sure are better than everyone else’s.
"I'm sure she doesn't want to be like that anymore, she looks like a right Lady now, won't want to join in with our fighting and training sessions" The warrior three and Sif spoke. "Oh no she will, she not the girly girl she looks. Well she is but she has secrets" Chad spoke up as he was in dream land looking at Sif.
"Long time no see" I spoke to Loki with a massive grin on my face. "I know, and you have bloomed into the Princess we knew you were and loving the colour you are wearing" Loki grinned back to me.
Tony: I chose to include this passage because its one of a long line of passages where we get to talk about what Elle is wearing.
Loki: It’s also one of many passages where we get to hear about Elle’s wonderful singing voice.
Thor: People on Asgard are weirdly obsessed with Princess Elle’s singing. At every single meal, my father gets up and says: “Hey everyone, wouldn’t it be great if Elle sang? While we ate? Again?”
Tony: Well, I mean, the people on Asgard do seem to like spectacle. I saw your coronation ceremony and frankly it looked like the beginning of a WWE match. I wouldn’t be surprised if people on Asgard frequently broke out into strains of “High on a hill was a lonely goatherd.”
Loki: Let’s skip the long, long passage about Elle changing her dress and move to the passage where Thor notices that she changed her dress.
Thor: Alright, I noticed something! Fanfiction authors usually don’t think I’m smart enough to do that.
"What if Thor thinks I like him in a way as I'm wearing his colour, what if Loki hates me for it" I started to panic "Elle calm down its just a dress colour"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQsnOxWw5eM (Up to 1.05, walk in song)
Loki: And this little gem is one of the many, many music videos that the suethor embeds in her fic to give us the ambient soundtrack to this insipid self insert. The whole thing is choreographed like a music video.
The big golden doors were opened to us and everyone looked in are direction, that when I saw Thor's face light up and Loki drop. Oh no what have I done...
Thor: Don’t worry Elle, I’m not interested.
Tony: But she is sooo the girl for you, Thor, with her a princess and boobs like memory foam for big bouncy!
Loki: That’s a valiant attempt to imitate her grammar. It almost sounds like she wrote it.
"You look very pretty in that dress Elle" Thor flirted with me
"Aww thank you Thor, thought I'll change my fashion for dinner" I responded quickly before I could hurt Loki anymore
Thor: What girl wants a man who does nothing but talk about how pretty her dresses are?
Tony: This one, apparently.
"Thor was right, you look very beautiful tonight Elle" Loki whispered while picking up food
"Awwww thank you Loki, I still preferred the dress I was wearing earlier but thought I better change so people didn't judge me on not having many clothes" I let out a small giggle at the last part. I saw the smile on Loki's face grow.
"I think the green dress looked very nice on you" Loki gazed at me. I felt a strong bond with Loki but only time would tell if it was the same bond I wanted.
Loki: A strong bond centered on clothing.
Tony: Maybe this is why so many marriages fail. People mistake a shared fashion sense for marital compatibility.
Thor: And here we go, here we go with the singing again.
"Well..." As I was about to carry on conversation the All Father Stood with everyone falling into silence once again.
"Elle I wondered as many people don't know your secret like I do…Would you do the honours in singing to us, as I know all and I know you can sing"
…
"I don't really sing in front of people" I said with a hint of nerves in my voice
"Please please, I know you are very good and you may put on a small show so that everyone can get up and dance to end the night" (No one could say no to the All Father, right here I go)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd_AN0f3H4A&feature=player_embedded
Everyone stood and clapped, it just made me feel so good, and that maybe I could sing.
Everyone got up from the table and was cheering for more. The party had officially started and I was the singer for the evening it made me feel so good. It was going to be such a good evening...
Tony: She sings a song called Tough Love. Sorry, kiddo, but I don’t think you’re going to get tough love from two guys who care this much about your dresses. You’re going to get limp wrested, mamby-pamby love and that’s about it.
Thor: I hate buttons.
Tony: What?
Thor: I hate buttons. You know, my fingers are kind-of big and they’re so hard to undo. I get like the hulk and I just want to tear the dress, but girls who aren’t Sif get mad when you tear their clothes off.
Tony: Use your teeth, man, where have you been?
Thor: What a brilliant idea!
Tony: I know.
Loki: I hope you both die. If we can go on, please, this part here is where we learn that people have started an entire war in order to destroy Princess Elle because they want her throne. No specific kingdom is ever mentioned, but lets just go with it. Here’s Odin playing “Name That Plot Point” with Princess Elle.
"Well my child your father has fallen, and the war is now coming to Asgard to get you, you have nothing to worry about we will protect. I am sorry for your loss"
As I walked off still in a daze I didn't know what to do, I had lost my father, the war was now coming to another world because of me. I just wanted to scream. But as I was walking round the castle I spotted a piano, as I sat down I began to sing, I sang my feelings and got everything out.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML_-d-UFOkg&feature=player_embedded
Tony: So, after that painful scene, we have Princess Elle delivering on her promises of secret badassery by participating in a competition on Asgard that they have for some unspecified reason.
The hour has passed and I had spoken with Chad I told him what had happened to my father, and that it was my time to prove to everyone I was the innocent girl. He knew straight away how I was feeling and that ever since I arrived in Asgard everyone thought of me as the stupid little blonde princess that knew nothing.
Loki: And that’s how I think of her. To prove it, I’ve embedded a video of my own, thereby turning the weapon of the enemy against it! This video describes exactly how I think of Princess Elle. It's called: "I'm a Blond," from "Earth Girl's are Easy."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNfZxgkH7k
Loki: Also, Thor, this is you.
Thor: It is not!
Loki: Yes it is. It’s you, I mean, replace those enormous fake breasts with your rippling pectoral muscles and it’s you. This is you, Thor, this is you all over.
Tony: Um…Loki?
Loki: What?
Thor: :::looking down at his chest::: They don’t ripple. Oh, wait.
Tony: So, to try and distract from the mental image I now have of Thor’s pecs, here’s Elle hatching a secret plan to ‘look all scared’ before unleashing a torrent of unwarranted badass.
I had made a plan in my head, look scared and worried while watching a few fights then go for it and prove everyone wrong. [polyvore]
Loki: Then there’s some stupid polyvore tag typed in, and I can only assume that whatever gods saved me from death in the void of space have seen fit to spare me the more grisly fate of being subjected to the conformity machine that is f*cking polyvore.
Tony: And as usual, random low level minions spawn to taunt Princess Happy Beauty Magic just in time for her to show off the badassery we’ve been waiting for.
"Aww the little Princess has decided to join us, nice outfit but just because you look the part doesn't mean you can play the part" They all laughed at me.
(I was getting more and more pissed and ready to prove them wrong.)
Loki came and stood next to me and as I've noticed he is over protective and defended me…"Don't worry about those fouls, their just jealous. Prove them wrong, but don't do nothing you can't"
Loki: Hm. Those jealous fouls. Then we have this inexplicable passage.
The Roberts had come out which were ready to take on who ever wanted to take them on.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBb-J0hcBQA&feature=player_embedded
Thor: The Roberts? Who are these Roberts?
Loki: I can only assume she means ‘robbers’ and that she thinks Asgard ritually executes its criminals in laughably unbalanced death matches between malnourished peasant burglars and hammer wielding demi gods in full armor.
Tony: And of course, she includes the soundtrack. Nothing is more badass that Supermassive Black Hole. Actually, I’d like to throw this girl into a supermassive black hole so that her tiny, quark-sized brain implodes.
I then spinned down into the robots shooting them here there and everywhere, I made the thunder clouds shoot thunder at the robots, the tornados which I made appeared everywhere sending the robots into different directions even more.
Tony: Good God, kiddo, you better learn love being a human test subject because I see very few positions open to someone with your communication skills.
Thor: Oh…she meant robots.
Loki: You sound disappointed.
Thor: I don’t know…maybe a little.
Tony: I’m cheering for the robots.
Loki: Now, after the battle with the robots, we get to go the ball on Asgard with Princess Elle.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmwRQqJsegw&feature=player_embedded
I took a deep breath and walked out of my room and about to step into the dance hall. (0.42) I stepped into the dance hall and everyone just looked into my direction. All the guys started to walk up to me, but there was one guy I wanted to be with. I elegantly walked up to Loki with open arms which he gladly accepted and we shared the best, most loving hug ever.
Loki: Then there’s some nauseating slow dance scene. Then, surprise surprise, more dialogue centered on Elle’s clothing.
"You look stunning tonight as usual Elle; you're wearing a beautiful colour" Loki pulled back a little to look into my eyes…We were about to kiss when
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special Princess here tonight who has an amazing singing voice, Elle will you sing for us"
Thor: Again? Really?
Loki: I’m afraid so. You’re father has some kind of weird, non-sexual kink where he can’t stop making this girl get up and sing for us.
Once I had been called up on stage, I thought about the song I should sing. Then after the events which had just occurred with Loki, I thought this would be the perfect song to sing.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x7Ta89QLo4&feature=player_embedded
I sang the night away and couldn't wait till breakfast.
Loki: More Christina Aguilera?! Why did it have to be Christina Aguilera?
Tony: Could have been worse. Could have been Paramore. Frankly I’d rather hump J.A.R.V.I.S.’s cold metal casing than listen to Paramore.
Loki: I’ll be quiet.
Loki POV
Elle was beautiful when the doors opened and she came walking through, a beautiful green dress on, her hair was perfect, she was perfect. Ashamed she would never be mine…She of all people said she loved me. I was too stunned to reply. I can't wait to breakfast now...
Thor: What an odd series of thoughts. It’s almost like they were written by three separate people.
Tony: Or three separate species of monkeys, in different rooms, and one of them’s typing on a Japanese keyboard from the eighties that someone spilled sake on so theき and ら characters don’t work anymore.
Loki: And one of the monkeys is Megan fox. The mangy one with the little squinty eyes.
Thor: Why do you hate Megan Fox so much?
Tony: In the next scene more trash talking douchebags show up to have little temper tantrums and spout dialogue that no one could possibly find believable. This is the mighty villain Shane…
"Morning everyone, don't worry we don't want much trouble we just want to kill a few people and leave the Princess to last to kill!" The leader Shane spoke in a grunted tone.
…
"Okay here we are whoever can move from their seat is the one I will fight and its win or lose" Shane spoke, everyone moved and I knew straight away no one could move and it would only be me.
"Okay Shane, you made your point just fight me" I said as I stood
"No, you can't fight, he may hurt you" Loki shouted
"Its okay, it will save you and everything will be okay" I whispered back
I knew that maybe just going to my first stage of powers wouldn't work, but I had to give them ago, and for me to go to the next stage he had to piss me off. [polyvore]
Tony: There you go. Everyone moved and she knew immediately no one could move. In what universe does that make any sense?
Loki: And there’s another polyvore tag that goes nowhere and does nothing.
He was shooting me left right and centre. Everyone was screaming and shouting at me. My eyes turned white and hair white, and started to shoot lighting at him, thunder storms, everything I had really.
Thor: She controls lightning and thunder? That’s my power.
Loki: Not according to this suethor. According to her, your power is noticing clothing and occasionally approving of her romance with me.
Tony: Then this little sh*t Chad shows up again to wave his Elle pompoms.
"Get up Elle, get up!" Chad shouted. with that a massive rod went flying at Shanes head which knocked him over.
Tony: Whoa, I take back what I said about Chad! Chad just made this thing interesting when he whipped out his massive rod and stunned the bad guy! That’s right, I did not make up the phrase “massive rod”. That is a direct quote from the fic. This suethor actually included the words “massive rod” in her story. Massive rod. I knew this would get dirty if I just gave it enough time.
Loki: I don’t think it did.
Tony: So Chad threw a stick at him? That’s one level up from hitting him in the face with your stamp collection or your retainer.
Loki: Shane doesn’t seem to be taking any of it and apparently his next move ignites more music.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=aezAhZhv7v0&feature=player_embedded
"You will pay for that" Shane spoke as he shot a knife at me.
Thor: He shot a knife? I thought you shot a gun. How do you shoot a knife? And what shoots out of it?
Tony: So we’ve got people shooting stuff out of their knives, massive rods flying around, we’re basically swirling in a maelstrom of phallic symbols and Evanescence. I feel like I’m back in middle school. I think I can safely say that this is definitely raunchy at this point.
Loki: No, Tony, no it isn’t, its just stupid.
Thor: And of course she includes a song for her big fight scene.
Tony: I hate Evanescence. You know if you go to any anime con or comic con, that is all they play, over and over again.
Thor: You went to an anime convention?
Tony: I happen to enjoy the opulent, sensual animation of our Otaku Brethren.
Loki: You like tentacle porn. Great.
Tony: And I cosplay myself in the Iron Man suit. I win every time.
Loki: I’m not saying anything about what Tony does in his spare time, we’re just going to move on to this bizarre twist in her super powers.
"Look at me Elle, take control"
"I can't, save me please" I started to cry. Chad knew what to do; he had to stab me through the heart. To temporary kill me, then in a day, I would be back to normal.
Thor: I…that’s…what?
Loki: Why did it only have to last for a day?
Tony: Going forward, I think the next plot twist needs no background to explain it:
OMG I had a date with Loki, this was my first evening back with everyone.
Loki: Oh gods.
We started walking down the halls of Asgard and it just felt so right being in Loki's company and then he suddenly broke the silence.
"One day you will be my Princess or Queen I hope" He spoke with pride.
Loki: I talk like I’m f*cking five!
Thor: Loki, I never hear you swear oaths.
Tony: You know guys, it just occurred to me that if Sif doesn’t love Chad after he whipped out his massive rod in public, she’s a total ice princess.
I was stunned with the words and just looked up at him, but he was looking straight ahead. I was speechless but a massive smile spread across my face and I carried on looking forward. Thoughts playing through my mind, me Loki's Princess the words just sounded perfect. Then thoughts of a wedding and kids came rushing through.
Tony: Loki, take it from a guy whose been there, if she starts talking weddings and kids on the second date, run for the hills. Run and never look back. Run like all the tentacles in Japan are chasing you.
Thor: No matter how much you may admire her pretty dresses.
Loki: Shut up, Thor!
Tony: Skip ahead a little, there’s a part where she and Loki go on a date to the local farmer’s market that’s just to die for!
It was early Sunday morning and I was just getting ready as I heard the markets were amazing in Asgard and happened every Sunday. I made sure I dressed warm as it was still breezy this early. I dressed simply today as I had no one to impress and didn't want to catch everyone eye. As I was about to leave, someone knocked at my door. I opened the door to see Loki standing there in his simple clothes.
"I'm off to the market would you like to join me" Loki spoke
Loki: Here we’ve reached the next stage in my burgeoning as a stereotypically flamboyant homosexual: the shopping date. Maybe later I’ll admire her clothes some more too.
Tony: That will almost undoubtedly happen, but first we have to have a scene where you buy a very special ring for Elle.
Then I came across a ring stall which one ring in particular caught my eye. /daily-101/files/2009/01/houseoftaylor_...
(Saying Elle instead)
Tony: That’s right, you’ve known Elle, the Magical Fairy Princess from the Land of Ripoff for a total of a date and a half and you want to marry her.
"That's a nice ring right there my prince. It stands for love and is normally used for an engagement ring for the one true love" The market man spoke
"This is such a nice Jew, the green emeralds as well"
Loki: I….did I just say that?! Did I just deliver a nonchalant, undirected comment on what a nice Jew the jewelry salesman is?!
Thor: At least you said he was a nice Jew.
Loki: Thor, that’s not better! You have to see that’s not better!
Tony: Someone needs to make a show called “When Sues Attack: How Bad Grammar Can Turn a Regular Old Super Villain into a Straight Up Flaming Anti-Semite.” Chris Hansen can host it.
I went into a daze and just pictured her by my side with our child. She would be the perfect wife and mother...
Loki: Do I even have a character anymore?
Tony: Whatever is left of it has been ripped apart like a Justin Beiber album by a pack of pre-schoolers high on Juicy Juice.
Thor: Awww, Loki, I think you’re about to propose to Elle!
"You really do look beautiful tonight Elle, along with everyday" I turned and saw Loki smiling. I walked up to him and had to look up to him. Then he spoke again.
"I've wanted to do this for a long time now, to make everyone see my love for you. Make all the other men on the realms jealous. He got down on one knew and pulled a beautiful emerald diamond from his pocket.
"Elle will you do me the honours and become me wife and my princess"
I stood there stunned, no words would come from my mouth. Only a few tears from my eyes. WOW. Then...
"Yes, OMG Yes of course I will Loki. I love you so much"
He put the ring my finger.
Loki: After some more unrepentantly insipid comments on her fashion sense, I propose and she responds to a marriage proposal with OMG. Classy.
Thor: So after the marriage proposal, everyone decides to start teasing Elle again. Because maids in a royal household usually tease visiting nobles. It’s totally believable.
However my maids had told me earlier in the day that they overheard the men teasing Loki that he could not pull a beautiful women and that only Thor could. Plus the only women he could get would have no money, be poor, have no talent and large.
I had spoke to Loki and said to him to not let anyone know about us till tonight when we announce it to everyone. Plus I would be doing an surprise to make every man jealous that evening. Loki smiled when he heard of my little plan. But not even he knew what I was wearing.
So the maids and I got myself ready early. I had picked the perfect shoes to go with my dress, they were gold high heeled and elegant with badass attached to them. [Christian-Louboutin-Lady-Peep-150-Gold-Spiked_1]I done my hair in a middle parting and curled it but making sure still long enough to come to my chest. [Stephanie-Pratt-long-wavy-blonde]
Loki: Great, good, I’m so glad that everyone knows what your shoes and hair look like, I really am, and believe me there’s nothing that I would like more than to expend my remaining life and breath extolling the virtues of your wardrobe, but I have to kill myself later.
"Okay, ladies I think its show time" We all made sure I was 'perfect' in a sense and we was walking down the halls. I couldn't wait to stop the bullies.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwlcezuZYYY&feature=player_embedded
"Gentlemen I didn't come on my own to night this is Princess Elle, who I am with" Loki spoke with pride. I looked at the men and spoke
Loki: Arrrrgh! I feel like I’m insane.
"We have something to tell you all" Loki spoke with pride like a true prince should.
"I have asked Elle to marry me and she has said yes. We are to wed in two days" Loki spoke while looking at me
everyone cheered and screamed and Loki and I shared a passionate kiss which set the crowd off even more. The party carried on and there was no more hiding that I was future Princess to Loki. Then I stood to make an announent.
"Sorry to stop the party again, but me and the girls and the band have been working on a song and dance to present to you. To make the party even better and into a show. In a few minutes you will all see it" I spoke and went back stage and out of sight to change and get ready for the performance. Seats had been arranged at this point and everyone took their seats.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dw11gk_HetE&feature=player_embedded
Everyone cheered and screamed for more. I spoke
"We can do one more song and dance for you all" Everyone cheered.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3APrqTKtcA&feature=player_embedded
"Thank you to all my girls and the audience" Everyone cheered and the night had ended...
Loki: The very next day, Loki crashes Thor’s coronation day ceremony, then strips off his clothes, douses himself in gasoline, and sets himself on fire.
Tony: Don’t feel so bad. The Thor Sue we’re about to spork is, if possible, even worse than Princess Magic Perfect Unicorn Farts.
Loki: I wish all the tentacles in Japan on this girl.
Tony: I know Loki. I know.
Fandom: Avengers
Culprit Author's name: Princess of Asgard
Full Name (plus titles if any): Princess Elle
Full Species(es): Who knows? She’s princess of somewhere. She has super powers. She’s blond, I don’t know if that helps.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Blond, but it can turn white or red when she gets angry (can you feel your hatred rising?)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Blue.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None. Or everything. Depends on how you read it.
Special Possessions (if any): A red dress and a green dress.
Annoying Origin: She’s a princess of somewhere, people started a war for her, she grew up with Loki and Thor and then moved away for ten years, long enough so that it would be a surprise when she came back and was beautiful/special/annoying as chiggers.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Is an annoying princess who grew up with Loki and Thor.
Annoying Special Abilities: Abound in this Sue.
Other Annoying Traits: Apparently she can go super saiyan or something. Here, I’ll let her tell you all about how special she is:
A Little introduction to myself. My name is Princess Elle, however just call me Elle. I'm like your other Princesses. You know Girly Girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, loves dresses, Sings etc. However I have the power to control the weather along with force fields. Your know when I'm like this as my hair goes snow white colour along with my eyes turning white. However I have extra powers which I don't like to use and only used when I'm really pissed off and nothing else is working. These powers consist of being able to control people and move and then even kill them and turn them into nothing more than dust. My look changes and my eyes turn blood red and my hair goes hot red too. I think I look bad ass.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
Loki: Good evening, and welcome to this community’s first ever Avengers Spork Not by Shirubie.
Thor: Yes, and believe us, it is very very bad.
Tony: I’m telling you guys, reading this thing is worse than the time I woke up from a bender at the Democratic National Convention and all of those senators were walking out of my room, putting on their belts and high-fiving each other…
Loki: I didn’t know you were a Democrat.
Tony: I give generously to both parties. My motto is: “Whoever gets in, I win.” It was working great until they came up with that stupid Occupy Stark Tower movement. Stupid kids, get outta my lobby and go back to college!
Loki: Hm, well, you’re an idiot, shall we move on to this story?
Tony: Please.
Thor: We start with Elle returning to Asgard after being gone for ten years.
Elle POV
Seeing everyone after 10 years is so scary. I think I rather fight in this war then see everyone again. Everyone is going to think I'm going back to Asgard as a girl for Thor with my long blonde hair, blue eyes and a Princess.
Tony: Yeah, Thor, with her blue eyes and a princess, she’s just the girl for you to marriage with and a hot-wildebeast-sex.
Thor: If that is true, then almost every girl on Asgard is a girl for me, Tony.
Loki: Ugh, disgusting troll.
Thor: What?
Loki: Nothing.
Tony: This chick is balls to the wall crazy. She is obsessed with her own damn clothing and keeps talking about how you wear green for Loki and red for Thor, like Loki and Thor are the crips and the bloods and God forbid you wear the wrong color in the wrong neighborhood.
So to make everyone know I'm not for Thor, I'm going to put my green dress on which is Loki symbol colour. I just hope he hasn't got himself a Princess already. What if he has, I could kill her I suppose. But no I'm a Lady so ill have to grin and bare it and hope that she treats Loki the way he should.
Tony: I like the casual, relaxed way she contemplates killing her rival. Its like she’s thinking about how to get a stain out of her clothes. ::: announcer voice::: Girls, is your guy taken? Don’t fool around with low cut blouses and promises of sexual acts the other girls just won’t do. Instead, save your dignity and try some nice murder, now in two colors! (Warning: murder is not for all situations and is not legal, do not commit murder, not recommended for people with souls or courtly ladies).
Loki: And by the way, that feeling like you just walked off the edge of a pier is due to the fact that this sentence has no end, and therefore, makes no sense. The way he should-should what?
Elle POV
Chad and I have arrived to Asgard and were met by the Gate Keeper. He was very glad to see us and knew this day was coming. He asked me how my powers are coming and before I could ask him how he knew, it was like he read my mind and said "I know all child".
Tony: Well then why the hell did he ask?
Thor: Just to be polite, I guess. Heimdall does that sometimes.
Tony: Anyway, moving right along, Princess Elle is one of those beautiful, talented, beautiful, magnanimous, beautiful, charming and (let us not forget) beautiful princesses who people mercilessly mock for no reason. This leads us to discover her mandatory single flaw: her insecurity.
I hated people staring, it worried me. I panicked incise I made foul of myself falling over in these high heels which I never had a problem with until now. The nerves were getting to me so badly.
Loki: Let’s play a game I like to call “Monkey, Zombie, or Megan Fox” It’s where we look at an incomprehensible jumble of letters, grammatical notations and occasionally numbers, and try to figure out if it was written by a monkey, a zombie, or Megan Fox.
Thor: ::: squinting ::: ‘I panicked incise I made foul of myself’…?
Tony: I built an Ark Reactor in a cave in the desert, using my bits of wire I found on the ground and goat-spit for adhesive, and I do not understand what the hell this girl is talking about.
Loki: So…?
Thor: I don’t know. Monkeys are pretty smart. I guess a zombie?
Tony: Zombies at least know what brains are, Thor. I’m going to go with Megan Fox.
Loki: Ding! Point to Tony.
Tony: This next short passage is our obligatory moment where we get a hint of the pretty pretty princess’s super secret magic powers, which I’m sure are better than everyone else’s.
"I'm sure she doesn't want to be like that anymore, she looks like a right Lady now, won't want to join in with our fighting and training sessions" The warrior three and Sif spoke. "Oh no she will, she not the girly girl she looks. Well she is but she has secrets" Chad spoke up as he was in dream land looking at Sif.
"Long time no see" I spoke to Loki with a massive grin on my face. "I know, and you have bloomed into the Princess we knew you were and loving the colour you are wearing" Loki grinned back to me.
Tony: I chose to include this passage because its one of a long line of passages where we get to talk about what Elle is wearing.
Loki: It’s also one of many passages where we get to hear about Elle’s wonderful singing voice.
Thor: People on Asgard are weirdly obsessed with Princess Elle’s singing. At every single meal, my father gets up and says: “Hey everyone, wouldn’t it be great if Elle sang? While we ate? Again?”
Tony: Well, I mean, the people on Asgard do seem to like spectacle. I saw your coronation ceremony and frankly it looked like the beginning of a WWE match. I wouldn’t be surprised if people on Asgard frequently broke out into strains of “High on a hill was a lonely goatherd.”
Loki: Let’s skip the long, long passage about Elle changing her dress and move to the passage where Thor notices that she changed her dress.
Thor: Alright, I noticed something! Fanfiction authors usually don’t think I’m smart enough to do that.
"What if Thor thinks I like him in a way as I'm wearing his colour, what if Loki hates me for it" I started to panic "Elle calm down its just a dress colour"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQsnOxWw5eM (Up to 1.05, walk in song)
Loki: And this little gem is one of the many, many music videos that the suethor embeds in her fic to give us the ambient soundtrack to this insipid self insert. The whole thing is choreographed like a music video.
The big golden doors were opened to us and everyone looked in are direction, that when I saw Thor's face light up and Loki drop. Oh no what have I done...
Thor: Don’t worry Elle, I’m not interested.
Tony: But she is sooo the girl for you, Thor, with her a princess and boobs like memory foam for big bouncy!
Loki: That’s a valiant attempt to imitate her grammar. It almost sounds like she wrote it.
"You look very pretty in that dress Elle" Thor flirted with me
"Aww thank you Thor, thought I'll change my fashion for dinner" I responded quickly before I could hurt Loki anymore
Thor: What girl wants a man who does nothing but talk about how pretty her dresses are?
Tony: This one, apparently.
"Thor was right, you look very beautiful tonight Elle" Loki whispered while picking up food
"Awwww thank you Loki, I still preferred the dress I was wearing earlier but thought I better change so people didn't judge me on not having many clothes" I let out a small giggle at the last part. I saw the smile on Loki's face grow.
"I think the green dress looked very nice on you" Loki gazed at me. I felt a strong bond with Loki but only time would tell if it was the same bond I wanted.
Loki: A strong bond centered on clothing.
Tony: Maybe this is why so many marriages fail. People mistake a shared fashion sense for marital compatibility.
Thor: And here we go, here we go with the singing again.
"Well..." As I was about to carry on conversation the All Father Stood with everyone falling into silence once again.
"Elle I wondered as many people don't know your secret like I do…Would you do the honours in singing to us, as I know all and I know you can sing"
…
"I don't really sing in front of people" I said with a hint of nerves in my voice
"Please please, I know you are very good and you may put on a small show so that everyone can get up and dance to end the night" (No one could say no to the All Father, right here I go)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bd_AN0f3H4A&feature=player_embedded
Everyone stood and clapped, it just made me feel so good, and that maybe I could sing.
Everyone got up from the table and was cheering for more. The party had officially started and I was the singer for the evening it made me feel so good. It was going to be such a good evening...
Tony: She sings a song called Tough Love. Sorry, kiddo, but I don’t think you’re going to get tough love from two guys who care this much about your dresses. You’re going to get limp wrested, mamby-pamby love and that’s about it.
Thor: I hate buttons.
Tony: What?
Thor: I hate buttons. You know, my fingers are kind-of big and they’re so hard to undo. I get like the hulk and I just want to tear the dress, but girls who aren’t Sif get mad when you tear their clothes off.
Tony: Use your teeth, man, where have you been?
Thor: What a brilliant idea!
Tony: I know.
Loki: I hope you both die. If we can go on, please, this part here is where we learn that people have started an entire war in order to destroy Princess Elle because they want her throne. No specific kingdom is ever mentioned, but lets just go with it. Here’s Odin playing “Name That Plot Point” with Princess Elle.
"Well my child your father has fallen, and the war is now coming to Asgard to get you, you have nothing to worry about we will protect. I am sorry for your loss"
As I walked off still in a daze I didn't know what to do, I had lost my father, the war was now coming to another world because of me. I just wanted to scream. But as I was walking round the castle I spotted a piano, as I sat down I began to sing, I sang my feelings and got everything out.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ML_-d-UFOkg&feature=player_embedded
Tony: So, after that painful scene, we have Princess Elle delivering on her promises of secret badassery by participating in a competition on Asgard that they have for some unspecified reason.
The hour has passed and I had spoken with Chad I told him what had happened to my father, and that it was my time to prove to everyone I was the innocent girl. He knew straight away how I was feeling and that ever since I arrived in Asgard everyone thought of me as the stupid little blonde princess that knew nothing.
Loki: And that’s how I think of her. To prove it, I’ve embedded a video of my own, thereby turning the weapon of the enemy against it! This video describes exactly how I think of Princess Elle. It's called: "I'm a Blond," from "Earth Girl's are Easy."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNfZxgkH7k
Loki: Also, Thor, this is you.
Thor: It is not!
Loki: Yes it is. It’s you, I mean, replace those enormous fake breasts with your rippling pectoral muscles and it’s you. This is you, Thor, this is you all over.
Tony: Um…Loki?
Loki: What?
Thor: :::looking down at his chest::: They don’t ripple. Oh, wait.
Tony: So, to try and distract from the mental image I now have of Thor’s pecs, here’s Elle hatching a secret plan to ‘look all scared’ before unleashing a torrent of unwarranted badass.
I had made a plan in my head, look scared and worried while watching a few fights then go for it and prove everyone wrong. [polyvore]
Loki: Then there’s some stupid polyvore tag typed in, and I can only assume that whatever gods saved me from death in the void of space have seen fit to spare me the more grisly fate of being subjected to the conformity machine that is f*cking polyvore.
Tony: And as usual, random low level minions spawn to taunt Princess Happy Beauty Magic just in time for her to show off the badassery we’ve been waiting for.
"Aww the little Princess has decided to join us, nice outfit but just because you look the part doesn't mean you can play the part" They all laughed at me.
(I was getting more and more pissed and ready to prove them wrong.)
Loki came and stood next to me and as I've noticed he is over protective and defended me…"Don't worry about those fouls, their just jealous. Prove them wrong, but don't do nothing you can't"
Loki: Hm. Those jealous fouls. Then we have this inexplicable passage.
The Roberts had come out which were ready to take on who ever wanted to take them on.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBb-J0hcBQA&feature=player_embedded
Thor: The Roberts? Who are these Roberts?
Loki: I can only assume she means ‘robbers’ and that she thinks Asgard ritually executes its criminals in laughably unbalanced death matches between malnourished peasant burglars and hammer wielding demi gods in full armor.
Tony: And of course, she includes the soundtrack. Nothing is more badass that Supermassive Black Hole. Actually, I’d like to throw this girl into a supermassive black hole so that her tiny, quark-sized brain implodes.
I then spinned down into the robots shooting them here there and everywhere, I made the thunder clouds shoot thunder at the robots, the tornados which I made appeared everywhere sending the robots into different directions even more.
Tony: Good God, kiddo, you better learn love being a human test subject because I see very few positions open to someone with your communication skills.
Thor: Oh…she meant robots.
Loki: You sound disappointed.
Thor: I don’t know…maybe a little.
Tony: I’m cheering for the robots.
Loki: Now, after the battle with the robots, we get to go the ball on Asgard with Princess Elle.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmwRQqJsegw&feature=player_embedded
I took a deep breath and walked out of my room and about to step into the dance hall. (0.42) I stepped into the dance hall and everyone just looked into my direction. All the guys started to walk up to me, but there was one guy I wanted to be with. I elegantly walked up to Loki with open arms which he gladly accepted and we shared the best, most loving hug ever.
Loki: Then there’s some nauseating slow dance scene. Then, surprise surprise, more dialogue centered on Elle’s clothing.
"You look stunning tonight as usual Elle; you're wearing a beautiful colour" Loki pulled back a little to look into my eyes…We were about to kiss when
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a special Princess here tonight who has an amazing singing voice, Elle will you sing for us"
Thor: Again? Really?
Loki: I’m afraid so. You’re father has some kind of weird, non-sexual kink where he can’t stop making this girl get up and sing for us.
Once I had been called up on stage, I thought about the song I should sing. Then after the events which had just occurred with Loki, I thought this would be the perfect song to sing.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8x7Ta89QLo4&feature=player_embedded
I sang the night away and couldn't wait till breakfast.
Loki: More Christina Aguilera?! Why did it have to be Christina Aguilera?
Tony: Could have been worse. Could have been Paramore. Frankly I’d rather hump J.A.R.V.I.S.’s cold metal casing than listen to Paramore.
Loki: I’ll be quiet.
Loki POV
Elle was beautiful when the doors opened and she came walking through, a beautiful green dress on, her hair was perfect, she was perfect. Ashamed she would never be mine…She of all people said she loved me. I was too stunned to reply. I can't wait to breakfast now...
Thor: What an odd series of thoughts. It’s almost like they were written by three separate people.
Tony: Or three separate species of monkeys, in different rooms, and one of them’s typing on a Japanese keyboard from the eighties that someone spilled sake on so theき and ら characters don’t work anymore.
Loki: And one of the monkeys is Megan fox. The mangy one with the little squinty eyes.
Thor: Why do you hate Megan Fox so much?
Tony: In the next scene more trash talking douchebags show up to have little temper tantrums and spout dialogue that no one could possibly find believable. This is the mighty villain Shane…
"Morning everyone, don't worry we don't want much trouble we just want to kill a few people and leave the Princess to last to kill!" The leader Shane spoke in a grunted tone.
…
"Okay here we are whoever can move from their seat is the one I will fight and its win or lose" Shane spoke, everyone moved and I knew straight away no one could move and it would only be me.
"Okay Shane, you made your point just fight me" I said as I stood
"No, you can't fight, he may hurt you" Loki shouted
"Its okay, it will save you and everything will be okay" I whispered back
I knew that maybe just going to my first stage of powers wouldn't work, but I had to give them ago, and for me to go to the next stage he had to piss me off. [polyvore]
Tony: There you go. Everyone moved and she knew immediately no one could move. In what universe does that make any sense?
Loki: And there’s another polyvore tag that goes nowhere and does nothing.
He was shooting me left right and centre. Everyone was screaming and shouting at me. My eyes turned white and hair white, and started to shoot lighting at him, thunder storms, everything I had really.
Thor: She controls lightning and thunder? That’s my power.
Loki: Not according to this suethor. According to her, your power is noticing clothing and occasionally approving of her romance with me.
Tony: Then this little sh*t Chad shows up again to wave his Elle pompoms.
"Get up Elle, get up!" Chad shouted. with that a massive rod went flying at Shanes head which knocked him over.
Tony: Whoa, I take back what I said about Chad! Chad just made this thing interesting when he whipped out his massive rod and stunned the bad guy! That’s right, I did not make up the phrase “massive rod”. That is a direct quote from the fic. This suethor actually included the words “massive rod” in her story. Massive rod. I knew this would get dirty if I just gave it enough time.
Loki: I don’t think it did.
Tony: So Chad threw a stick at him? That’s one level up from hitting him in the face with your stamp collection or your retainer.
Loki: Shane doesn’t seem to be taking any of it and apparently his next move ignites more music.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=aezAhZhv7v0&feature=player_embedded
"You will pay for that" Shane spoke as he shot a knife at me.
Thor: He shot a knife? I thought you shot a gun. How do you shoot a knife? And what shoots out of it?
Tony: So we’ve got people shooting stuff out of their knives, massive rods flying around, we’re basically swirling in a maelstrom of phallic symbols and Evanescence. I feel like I’m back in middle school. I think I can safely say that this is definitely raunchy at this point.
Loki: No, Tony, no it isn’t, its just stupid.
Thor: And of course she includes a song for her big fight scene.
Tony: I hate Evanescence. You know if you go to any anime con or comic con, that is all they play, over and over again.
Thor: You went to an anime convention?
Tony: I happen to enjoy the opulent, sensual animation of our Otaku Brethren.
Loki: You like tentacle porn. Great.
Tony: And I cosplay myself in the Iron Man suit. I win every time.
Loki: I’m not saying anything about what Tony does in his spare time, we’re just going to move on to this bizarre twist in her super powers.
"Look at me Elle, take control"
"I can't, save me please" I started to cry. Chad knew what to do; he had to stab me through the heart. To temporary kill me, then in a day, I would be back to normal.
Thor: I…that’s…what?
Loki: Why did it only have to last for a day?
Tony: Going forward, I think the next plot twist needs no background to explain it:
OMG I had a date with Loki, this was my first evening back with everyone.
Loki: Oh gods.
We started walking down the halls of Asgard and it just felt so right being in Loki's company and then he suddenly broke the silence.
"One day you will be my Princess or Queen I hope" He spoke with pride.
Loki: I talk like I’m f*cking five!
Thor: Loki, I never hear you swear oaths.
Tony: You know guys, it just occurred to me that if Sif doesn’t love Chad after he whipped out his massive rod in public, she’s a total ice princess.
I was stunned with the words and just looked up at him, but he was looking straight ahead. I was speechless but a massive smile spread across my face and I carried on looking forward. Thoughts playing through my mind, me Loki's Princess the words just sounded perfect. Then thoughts of a wedding and kids came rushing through.
Tony: Loki, take it from a guy whose been there, if she starts talking weddings and kids on the second date, run for the hills. Run and never look back. Run like all the tentacles in Japan are chasing you.
Thor: No matter how much you may admire her pretty dresses.
Loki: Shut up, Thor!
Tony: Skip ahead a little, there’s a part where she and Loki go on a date to the local farmer’s market that’s just to die for!
It was early Sunday morning and I was just getting ready as I heard the markets were amazing in Asgard and happened every Sunday. I made sure I dressed warm as it was still breezy this early. I dressed simply today as I had no one to impress and didn't want to catch everyone eye. As I was about to leave, someone knocked at my door. I opened the door to see Loki standing there in his simple clothes.
"I'm off to the market would you like to join me" Loki spoke
Loki: Here we’ve reached the next stage in my burgeoning as a stereotypically flamboyant homosexual: the shopping date. Maybe later I’ll admire her clothes some more too.
Tony: That will almost undoubtedly happen, but first we have to have a scene where you buy a very special ring for Elle.
Then I came across a ring stall which one ring in particular caught my eye. /daily-101/files/2009/01/houseoftaylor_...
(Saying Elle instead)
Tony: That’s right, you’ve known Elle, the Magical Fairy Princess from the Land of Ripoff for a total of a date and a half and you want to marry her.
"That's a nice ring right there my prince. It stands for love and is normally used for an engagement ring for the one true love" The market man spoke
"This is such a nice Jew, the green emeralds as well"
Loki: I….did I just say that?! Did I just deliver a nonchalant, undirected comment on what a nice Jew the jewelry salesman is?!
Thor: At least you said he was a nice Jew.
Loki: Thor, that’s not better! You have to see that’s not better!
Tony: Someone needs to make a show called “When Sues Attack: How Bad Grammar Can Turn a Regular Old Super Villain into a Straight Up Flaming Anti-Semite.” Chris Hansen can host it.
I went into a daze and just pictured her by my side with our child. She would be the perfect wife and mother...
Loki: Do I even have a character anymore?
Tony: Whatever is left of it has been ripped apart like a Justin Beiber album by a pack of pre-schoolers high on Juicy Juice.
Thor: Awww, Loki, I think you’re about to propose to Elle!
"You really do look beautiful tonight Elle, along with everyday" I turned and saw Loki smiling. I walked up to him and had to look up to him. Then he spoke again.
"I've wanted to do this for a long time now, to make everyone see my love for you. Make all the other men on the realms jealous. He got down on one knew and pulled a beautiful emerald diamond from his pocket.
"Elle will you do me the honours and become me wife and my princess"
I stood there stunned, no words would come from my mouth. Only a few tears from my eyes. WOW. Then...
"Yes, OMG Yes of course I will Loki. I love you so much"
He put the ring my finger.
Loki: After some more unrepentantly insipid comments on her fashion sense, I propose and she responds to a marriage proposal with OMG. Classy.
Thor: So after the marriage proposal, everyone decides to start teasing Elle again. Because maids in a royal household usually tease visiting nobles. It’s totally believable.
However my maids had told me earlier in the day that they overheard the men teasing Loki that he could not pull a beautiful women and that only Thor could. Plus the only women he could get would have no money, be poor, have no talent and large.
I had spoke to Loki and said to him to not let anyone know about us till tonight when we announce it to everyone. Plus I would be doing an surprise to make every man jealous that evening. Loki smiled when he heard of my little plan. But not even he knew what I was wearing.
So the maids and I got myself ready early. I had picked the perfect shoes to go with my dress, they were gold high heeled and elegant with badass attached to them. [Christian-Louboutin-Lady-Peep-150-Gold-Spiked_1]I done my hair in a middle parting and curled it but making sure still long enough to come to my chest. [Stephanie-Pratt-long-wavy-blonde]
Loki: Great, good, I’m so glad that everyone knows what your shoes and hair look like, I really am, and believe me there’s nothing that I would like more than to expend my remaining life and breath extolling the virtues of your wardrobe, but I have to kill myself later.
"Okay, ladies I think its show time" We all made sure I was 'perfect' in a sense and we was walking down the halls. I couldn't wait to stop the bullies.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwlcezuZYYY&feature=player_embedded
"Gentlemen I didn't come on my own to night this is Princess Elle, who I am with" Loki spoke with pride. I looked at the men and spoke
Loki: Arrrrgh! I feel like I’m insane.
"We have something to tell you all" Loki spoke with pride like a true prince should.
"I have asked Elle to marry me and she has said yes. We are to wed in two days" Loki spoke while looking at me
everyone cheered and screamed and Loki and I shared a passionate kiss which set the crowd off even more. The party carried on and there was no more hiding that I was future Princess to Loki. Then I stood to make an announent.
"Sorry to stop the party again, but me and the girls and the band have been working on a song and dance to present to you. To make the party even better and into a show. In a few minutes you will all see it" I spoke and went back stage and out of sight to change and get ready for the performance. Seats had been arranged at this point and everyone took their seats.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dw11gk_HetE&feature=player_embedded
Everyone cheered and screamed for more. I spoke
"We can do one more song and dance for you all" Everyone cheered.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3APrqTKtcA&feature=player_embedded
"Thank you to all my girls and the audience" Everyone cheered and the night had ended...
Loki: The very next day, Loki crashes Thor’s coronation day ceremony, then strips off his clothes, douses himself in gasoline, and sets himself on fire.
Tony: Don’t feel so bad. The Thor Sue we’re about to spork is, if possible, even worse than Princess Magic Perfect Unicorn Farts.
Loki: I wish all the tentacles in Japan on this girl.
Tony: I know Loki. I know.