I'm back! Hurray
Well its been a while, but I'm back. That's right. I'm back, with a new sue and an old suethor to share with the community. I've been in the middle of writing my own fan-fiction (yeah, come to the pit of voles and watch an author abandon all their principles). Anyway, it preoccupied by time, that and work, but now I had some time so here I am.
Story Or Series Title: Blood.
Fandom: Death Note
Culprit Author's Name: The Blond One
Full Name (plus titles if any): Natalie Marianna Craiter(face)
Full Species(es): Vampire!Sue. Pointless Banter Sue. Oh goody.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Lilac colored hair…on a freakin’ vampire. What, was ‘vampire’ not distinctive enough for you?
Eye Color (include adjectives): Ice blue eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Snow complexion and ‘rose petal colored lips.’ And some killer clothes. Check out this paragraph of mindless self-indulgence.
a tight black dress that stopped at her waist then flaired out into different shades of gray and white, stilettos (black) that would make most people's feet hurt just looking at them, fingerless gloves that were white, and silver earings with small painted strawberries on the end of them.
Special Possessions (if any):
Annoying Origin:
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She’s a freaking vampire. I don’t think I need to say anything else.
Annoying Special Abilities: Let’s see. She’s a vampire. Apparently she makes excellent ‘crying sounds.’
Other Annoying Traits: I’m sure you’ll pick out a few of your own.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: You asked for it.
Light: Good evening, everyone. Welcome to another sporking with me, your host, Light Yagami.
Mello: And me, Mello.
Light: Today we will be sporking an especially irritating sue named Natalie.
Mello: Aptly written by The Blond One.
Light: We’ve sporked this girl before. She’s the precious angel who brought us this gem, right here.
Mello: She’s at it again. You see, as it turns out, some people really don’t learn. They really, just don’t mother f*cking learn.
Light: We begin our spork with Natalie, Mistress of the Night, stalking some 48 year old guy in an alley.
Mello: My nights usually end this way. They never begin this way.
Light: That’s disturbing, and I don’t intend to comment on it.
Mello: Little judgmental for a mass-murderer, aren’t we?
Light: Look, can we just spork this thing please? Thank you.
She was dressed for the hunt. Her pray, a man of 48 years old.
She licked her lips and made crying noises, fake tears streaming down her face. She ran towards the man who was standing at the bus stop. She ran into him, and "fell" on the ground.
"I-I'm s-so -sorry, m-mister." she said as she wiped some of the tears away with the back of her hand.
"what's wrong?" he asked looking at her unnatural beauty, "are you okay?"
"n-not really, my b-boyfriend f-found o-out I-I w-was p-pregnant w-with h-his brother's b-baby and t-tried t-to k-kill me." she sobbed as the man helped her up.
"come on, I'll take you to a hotel where I stay." he said. She pulled him into an ally-way.
"'ay mister," she smirked with a seductive tone in her voice. "how can I repay you for your kindness?" she backed him up against the wall. "I'll do any thing." she could tell what he was thinking. "go ahead." she whispered.
Mello: H’okay, let’s play a little game. It’s called ‘spot the missing capital letter.’ Ooooh, there’s one. And another. And another!
Light: This has to be the most unperceptive detective in the world if he doesn’t notice how rapidly the sobbing, pregnant, very nearly murdered girl’s demeanor changed. Not to mention he’s apparently going to have sex with her…?
Mello: Well she’s already knocked up, how much more damage could it do?
Light: You have problems.
Mello: She gets really defensive about it too. Look ahead.
He dropped to the ground, a look of pure terror on his face. "I'm 19 you pervert. You were 40. Backing off would have been the smartest thing to do."
Mello: Yeah, because you told him you were 19, you slag.
Light: You killed a man for being sexually attracted to a younger woman. If you made that a law it would mean the death of, what, 90% of the male population of the world? And you’re nineteen! That’s legal everywhere in the world.
Mello: A little while later, she gets arrested for killing detectives. At least this part of the plot makes sense.
"Natalie Craiter, you are being taken into custody for the murder of thirteen men and two women."
"w-what?" she gasped. She had never been caught before.
He clamped the hand cuffs on her wrists. She could of easily broken out of them but the species she was apart of could never be found out, even if it meant she would have to die.
Mello: Does having super-strength count as another annoying trait?
Light: I don’t know, I think ‘vampire’ just rolls a lot of annoying traits into one. Go to the part where she’s being questioned.
Mello: Yeah, all right.
"Look, we all do what we have to do to eat, right?" she asked.
"you're implying that you had to kill those people in order to eat, thus, survive."
"No. I'm implying that I had to drain those people inorder to survive."
"Drain?" he tilted his head.
"Like a mosquito. The crimson fluid that flows through out your fragile body is my nutrition. I require it like you require water and air, my dear human." she said flipping her straight lilac hair.
Light: So, as we see here, the point where I had joy and hope in my life has clearly passed and I am a shell of my former self.
Mello: She’s a mosquito? That is, quite possibly, the least sexy description of a vampire ever written. She might as well have described herself as a wee little tapeworm, sucking the sweet fatty slime out of your intestines.
Light: Yeah, and the stern injunction never to betray the existence of her species? Right out the window. Almost immediately.
Mello: It gets even more annoying. Look at this.
"Ryuzaki!" yelled the blond detective.
"Hmm? What is it?"
"Can you two please be quiet? I'm dead tired." she giggled.
"what's so funny?" demanded Calner.
"I made a funny!" she giggled. "I'm here under murder charges and I said 'dead' tired!" she was sitting up now with a smile dominating her face.
A smirk crept it's way across Ryuzaki's face at the taunting.
Light: Number 1) The first rule of humor is that when you have to explain your jokes, they usually aren’t very funny. Number 2) Let me tell you something about L. He does not laugh at murderers making jokes about murder. Believe me. I’ve been there. Try telling him: “Oh L, I feel like my heart is breaking. Get it? Heart? Breaking? Heart attacks?” at three AM when you’re dehydrated, exhausted, and stand accused of mass murder. He doesn’t think its funny.
Mello: Voice of experience, eh Light?
Light: I feel like others should learn from my mistakes.
Mello: Well, at any rate, possibly one of the most irritating things is when these suethors try to write these girls as funny. Usually its just sad, long-drawn-out, and painful.
Light: I’d also like to mention that her being a vampire really doesn’t seem to be adding anything of significance to the story.
Mello: I’m pretty sure its just there to make her seem special. Here, check out the part where they are now, for some reason, madly in love and her vampirism is a problem all but solved.
"I am too. Other wise some big burly dude would be here." she said, taking a strawberry. "I love you so much that I gave up hunting people, and switched to hunting animals, all because you said to." she ran her fingers through the detective's hair.
"did you catch any thing?" he asked.
"yup! A deer!" she said happily, "and got home before you did!"
Mello: I include this because I think the image of a girl with lilac hair and stiletto’s snarfing a dead deer in the middle of the forests of London is hilarious.
Light: Heh, yeah, me too.
Mello: What’s the next portion?
Light: Ah, I included this because this is one of the things about this sue that annoys me the most.
Mello: What?
Light: Smalltalk. This Mary-Sue is a Sue of endless small talk. Here, just look, you’ll see what I mean.
He ended up taking Natalie into the bedroom last night, which caused her to freak out upon her awakening…
"HOLY JESUS-GOATS, RYZAKI, HOW THE FRACK DID I GET INTO BED WITH MY BRA AND PANTIES ON BUT NOTHING ELSE?" she yelled, making L glad he was in the living room rather than the bedroom he and the loud vampire shared, "oh… NEVER MIND…. I THINK I GOTS WHAT HAPPENED…" she said, walking out into the room and joining him on the floor.
"And what would that be, Darling?" he asked, not really looking at her but glancing briefly.
"Wellllllllll, ya sure ya wanna know?" she asked.
"Yes….."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"You sure you're positive?" she leaned closer "Are you really sure?"
He sighed and looked at her, "yes Natalie, I'm really sure I'm sure that I'm positive that I would like to know. What happened to cause you to wake up partially unclothed and make you use a pair of my…boxers… as shorts?"
"Aliums." She giggled, a smile spreading over her face. "you know, like oompa loompas," She moved her eyes about the room in thought, "or a giant panda…"
Light: I hate this girl. I hate, hate, hate this girl.
Mello: Wow, you’re right, this sue is the queen of pointless banter.
Light: This entire story is weighted down with metric tons of stupid smalltalk. She has used seduction, murder, vampirism, and god-knows-what-else as a premise for chit-chat! The sheer tedium of this story has liquefied my organs.
Mello: Perhaps this is meant to underscore the bleak monotony of Mary Sues; that we are to understand them in much the same way that Hannah Arendt understood the banality of evil
Light: Bull, Mello, this story is a cheap alternative to bio-terrorism, and that’s all I’ll give it. It’s Ebola, Mello, Ebola for the soul.
Mello: There’s that too.
Light: I’m just glad its over.
Story Or Series Title: Blood.
Fandom: Death Note
Culprit Author's Name: The Blond One
Full Name (plus titles if any): Natalie Marianna Craiter(face)
Full Species(es): Vampire!Sue. Pointless Banter Sue. Oh goody.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Lilac colored hair…on a freakin’ vampire. What, was ‘vampire’ not distinctive enough for you?
Eye Color (include adjectives): Ice blue eyes.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Snow complexion and ‘rose petal colored lips.’ And some killer clothes. Check out this paragraph of mindless self-indulgence.
a tight black dress that stopped at her waist then flaired out into different shades of gray and white, stilettos (black) that would make most people's feet hurt just looking at them, fingerless gloves that were white, and silver earings with small painted strawberries on the end of them.
Special Possessions (if any):
Annoying Origin:
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She’s a freaking vampire. I don’t think I need to say anything else.
Annoying Special Abilities: Let’s see. She’s a vampire. Apparently she makes excellent ‘crying sounds.’
Other Annoying Traits: I’m sure you’ll pick out a few of your own.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story: You asked for it.
Light: Good evening, everyone. Welcome to another sporking with me, your host, Light Yagami.
Mello: And me, Mello.
Light: Today we will be sporking an especially irritating sue named Natalie.
Mello: Aptly written by The Blond One.
Light: We’ve sporked this girl before. She’s the precious angel who brought us this gem, right here.
Mello: She’s at it again. You see, as it turns out, some people really don’t learn. They really, just don’t mother f*cking learn.
Light: We begin our spork with Natalie, Mistress of the Night, stalking some 48 year old guy in an alley.
Mello: My nights usually end this way. They never begin this way.
Light: That’s disturbing, and I don’t intend to comment on it.
Mello: Little judgmental for a mass-murderer, aren’t we?
Light: Look, can we just spork this thing please? Thank you.
She was dressed for the hunt. Her pray, a man of 48 years old.
She licked her lips and made crying noises, fake tears streaming down her face. She ran towards the man who was standing at the bus stop. She ran into him, and "fell" on the ground.
"I-I'm s-so -sorry, m-mister." she said as she wiped some of the tears away with the back of her hand.
"what's wrong?" he asked looking at her unnatural beauty, "are you okay?"
"n-not really, my b-boyfriend f-found o-out I-I w-was p-pregnant w-with h-his brother's b-baby and t-tried t-to k-kill me." she sobbed as the man helped her up.
"come on, I'll take you to a hotel where I stay." he said. She pulled him into an ally-way.
"'ay mister," she smirked with a seductive tone in her voice. "how can I repay you for your kindness?" she backed him up against the wall. "I'll do any thing." she could tell what he was thinking. "go ahead." she whispered.
Mello: H’okay, let’s play a little game. It’s called ‘spot the missing capital letter.’ Ooooh, there’s one. And another. And another!
Light: This has to be the most unperceptive detective in the world if he doesn’t notice how rapidly the sobbing, pregnant, very nearly murdered girl’s demeanor changed. Not to mention he’s apparently going to have sex with her…?
Mello: Well she’s already knocked up, how much more damage could it do?
Light: You have problems.
Mello: She gets really defensive about it too. Look ahead.
He dropped to the ground, a look of pure terror on his face. "I'm 19 you pervert. You were 40. Backing off would have been the smartest thing to do."
Mello: Yeah, because you told him you were 19, you slag.
Light: You killed a man for being sexually attracted to a younger woman. If you made that a law it would mean the death of, what, 90% of the male population of the world? And you’re nineteen! That’s legal everywhere in the world.
Mello: A little while later, she gets arrested for killing detectives. At least this part of the plot makes sense.
"Natalie Craiter, you are being taken into custody for the murder of thirteen men and two women."
"w-what?" she gasped. She had never been caught before.
He clamped the hand cuffs on her wrists. She could of easily broken out of them but the species she was apart of could never be found out, even if it meant she would have to die.
Mello: Does having super-strength count as another annoying trait?
Light: I don’t know, I think ‘vampire’ just rolls a lot of annoying traits into one. Go to the part where she’s being questioned.
Mello: Yeah, all right.
"Look, we all do what we have to do to eat, right?" she asked.
"you're implying that you had to kill those people in order to eat, thus, survive."
"No. I'm implying that I had to drain those people inorder to survive."
"Drain?" he tilted his head.
"Like a mosquito. The crimson fluid that flows through out your fragile body is my nutrition. I require it like you require water and air, my dear human." she said flipping her straight lilac hair.
Light: So, as we see here, the point where I had joy and hope in my life has clearly passed and I am a shell of my former self.
Mello: She’s a mosquito? That is, quite possibly, the least sexy description of a vampire ever written. She might as well have described herself as a wee little tapeworm, sucking the sweet fatty slime out of your intestines.
Light: Yeah, and the stern injunction never to betray the existence of her species? Right out the window. Almost immediately.
Mello: It gets even more annoying. Look at this.
"Ryuzaki!" yelled the blond detective.
"Hmm? What is it?"
"Can you two please be quiet? I'm dead tired." she giggled.
"what's so funny?" demanded Calner.
"I made a funny!" she giggled. "I'm here under murder charges and I said 'dead' tired!" she was sitting up now with a smile dominating her face.
A smirk crept it's way across Ryuzaki's face at the taunting.
Light: Number 1) The first rule of humor is that when you have to explain your jokes, they usually aren’t very funny. Number 2) Let me tell you something about L. He does not laugh at murderers making jokes about murder. Believe me. I’ve been there. Try telling him: “Oh L, I feel like my heart is breaking. Get it? Heart? Breaking? Heart attacks?” at three AM when you’re dehydrated, exhausted, and stand accused of mass murder. He doesn’t think its funny.
Mello: Voice of experience, eh Light?
Light: I feel like others should learn from my mistakes.
Mello: Well, at any rate, possibly one of the most irritating things is when these suethors try to write these girls as funny. Usually its just sad, long-drawn-out, and painful.
Light: I’d also like to mention that her being a vampire really doesn’t seem to be adding anything of significance to the story.
Mello: I’m pretty sure its just there to make her seem special. Here, check out the part where they are now, for some reason, madly in love and her vampirism is a problem all but solved.
"I am too. Other wise some big burly dude would be here." she said, taking a strawberry. "I love you so much that I gave up hunting people, and switched to hunting animals, all because you said to." she ran her fingers through the detective's hair.
"did you catch any thing?" he asked.
"yup! A deer!" she said happily, "and got home before you did!"
Mello: I include this because I think the image of a girl with lilac hair and stiletto’s snarfing a dead deer in the middle of the forests of London is hilarious.
Light: Heh, yeah, me too.
Mello: What’s the next portion?
Light: Ah, I included this because this is one of the things about this sue that annoys me the most.
Mello: What?
Light: Smalltalk. This Mary-Sue is a Sue of endless small talk. Here, just look, you’ll see what I mean.
He ended up taking Natalie into the bedroom last night, which caused her to freak out upon her awakening…
"HOLY JESUS-GOATS, RYZAKI, HOW THE FRACK DID I GET INTO BED WITH MY BRA AND PANTIES ON BUT NOTHING ELSE?" she yelled, making L glad he was in the living room rather than the bedroom he and the loud vampire shared, "oh… NEVER MIND…. I THINK I GOTS WHAT HAPPENED…" she said, walking out into the room and joining him on the floor.
"And what would that be, Darling?" he asked, not really looking at her but glancing briefly.
"Wellllllllll, ya sure ya wanna know?" she asked.
"Yes….."
"Positive?"
"Yes."
"You sure you're positive?" she leaned closer "Are you really sure?"
He sighed and looked at her, "yes Natalie, I'm really sure I'm sure that I'm positive that I would like to know. What happened to cause you to wake up partially unclothed and make you use a pair of my…boxers… as shorts?"
"Aliums." She giggled, a smile spreading over her face. "you know, like oompa loompas," She moved her eyes about the room in thought, "or a giant panda…"
Light: I hate this girl. I hate, hate, hate this girl.
Mello: Wow, you’re right, this sue is the queen of pointless banter.
Light: This entire story is weighted down with metric tons of stupid smalltalk. She has used seduction, murder, vampirism, and god-knows-what-else as a premise for chit-chat! The sheer tedium of this story has liquefied my organs.
Mello: Perhaps this is meant to underscore the bleak monotony of Mary Sues; that we are to understand them in much the same way that Hannah Arendt understood the banality of evil
Light: Bull, Mello, this story is a cheap alternative to bio-terrorism, and that’s all I’ll give it. It’s Ebola, Mello, Ebola for the soul.
Mello: There’s that too.
Light: I’m just glad its over.