Beginning of the Farce
I must warn you: this fic truly IS terrible. My friend Kath described it as a "crossover with Noah's ark". Scroll down only if you dare.
Story Or Series Title: Beginning of the Force. I swear on Vader's cape that I am deadly serious. This is really what it's called. I swear. Honest.
Fandom: Star Wars
Culprit Author's Name: Master-Ash-Lee
Full Name (plus titles if any): Funnily enough, it's Ash Lee. See above. Also known as Jedi Master, Grand Master, a kitten, a dancing girl, a drug addict
Full Species(es): Her species is described, I kid you not, as a "kitten". Yes. A kitten. Hey, I did warn you.
Hair Color (include adjectives): "The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white." Yes, this does have paragraph after paragraph just describing Ash Lee's appearance. Excuse me while I puke.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical." Child is not synonymous with kitten. Or is it? Dear god, I feel sick ...
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Mate, the whole fucking THING is unusual! Since when do we have kittens in the GFFA?
Special Possessions (if any): The unique ability to make me want to kill myself only three sentences in. As my dear Kath put it, "Cat enslavement, sexual harassment by corpulent beings, and attempted homicide." It's all there. All of it.
Don't believe me? 'ere you go:
"The music played on and the girls danced their way into perverted hearts and sickened minds." >> And that, ladeez and gents, is a direct quote. I'm not shitting you. That is a direct quote. Chapter one. I swear.
Annoying Origin: Mercifully not revealed. A primeval swamp, I like to think.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: NONE! I'm not lying to you, there's not a fucking canon character in the whole thing! It's just a host of more annoying irritating OCs by the minute. Oh, and she seems to have a thing against humans. EVERYONE, except for the evil, villain!Sith!abused childhood friend!Anti-Sue is some form of animal. A lion, perhaps. Or a kitten.
Annoying Special Abilities: Force sensitive.
Other Annoying Traits: OH GOD. See below.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
I can't actually. The whole thing is an abomination. Cut for chapter-by-chapter rant below.
Okay, let's start with Chapter 1.
The scene starts in bar, where, I kid you not, "Men whistled and gave cat calls as two young children danced on stage." Yes, you have it right, ladies and gentlemen. The FIRST SENTENCE and we already have mentions of sex, bestiality, child exploitation and pornography. Perfect, simply excellent. I do love a bit of good old fashioned sordid behaviour myself.
"The music played and their tiny bodies twisted and turned with the innocents of little girls, but also with the seduction of the adult women who also danced in the club." Oh, I have nothing to say here. Other than that these mentions of pedophilia and other such lovely, base urges is totally turning me on. Got a condom, anyone?
Oh, and, this little girl has the SMeyer disease -- she can't fucking SHUT UP. We have paragraph after paragraph of lurid, purple prose description about exactly what the Sues -- yes, note the plural, SueS -- look like, what they do, what they wear. An example:
" The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white. What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical.
The little human girl was equally exquisite with fine golden blond hair and beautiful blue eyes that sparkled in the lighting. She twirled and her china doll like skin glittered in the colorful lights, her skin powdered in make up, her eyes done up with liners. Her steps were just as graceful as her friend’s. The two of them made a spectacular pair on stage as they danced, one a star of beauty, the other a pathetic feline, pleasing all eyes in the audience."
And that, my loves, is an example of why this stupid, teenage, idiot author must burn, burn, burn. Look at it. Just LOOK AT IT. "Magical." "China doll." "Pathetic feline." I can't go on. ARE YOU HAPPY, STEPHANIE FUCKING MEYER?
Ahem. Yes. Sorry. Moving on.
So the strippers girls dress in normal, HUMAN, EARTH clothing, such as "sweatpants", while discussing totally lewd details about their horrible, starved, tortured, abused lives. Some of the totally scintillating dialogue that continues here is as follows:
"“Thanks again Arual, for coming up with me,” the kitten spoke to her friend and the blond girl just gave a smile,
“Don’t worry Ash Lee, I wouldn’t leave you alone, not out there,”"
You have it right, kids. Arual the china doll human girl and Ash Lee the ... kitten?! Wait, that's not right, is it?
"The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white. What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical."
Yes, it is right. A kitten. With hair. Pass the slop bucket, will you, I think I'm going to be sick.
Okay, and then comes the REALLY nauseating part. Are you ready for this? Hold onto your lightsabers, fellow Jedi brethren, here we go.
"Arual smiled though, the little 4-year-old drying off the fuzzy tail and rubbing the fur on the 6-year-old’s back."
Six. Four. That is just it, my good friends. Six and four. I can't even fathom comments to this. I'll leave it with you.
Okay, well, anyway. The two little darlings change into totally slutty and inappropriate clothes and makeup to go and meet with "The Master", who is described as "very large in size, his stomach swelled so large that both girls could sit on it without problems, and they knew it because they had done it. His face was almost taken up by the fatty flesh, his eyes sunken in and his nose squeezed shut, making him wheeze when he breathed, his arms were short and stubby, and his legs were nothing more then useless flesh and bone. His room was made up wonderfully though, golden pillars lining the walls and scarves of silk draped from the ceiling and rugs of fine threads carpeted the floor. The man was materialistic, and his slaves were no more then possessions to show off. He sat on a platform, cross legged as his guests, men of great wealth and plenty smaller then he was, sat on pillows while their slaves were either curled around them, standing behind them or dancing to the music that the musicians played behind a curtain of silk behind the master."
And then, of course, we have the totally requisite dance and lewd comments, which are actually making me puke. I'm serious.
After that particular torture ends, we have the even WORSE particular torture, IMHO: the tragic past.
"Arual saw Ash Lee’s pain before she knelt down and allowed her own tears to form in her eyes, remembering when Ash Lee came in. she had been a little kitten, filthy and starved, rummaging through the dumpster outside for scraps to eat, only to be caught by one of the guards. She had been called thief, and forced to work off her debt, which only grew as she was fed, bathed, taken care of and since then her debt had become nothing more then a reason to keep the kitten about. Basically a false promise that one day she would be free. Arual was angered about this every day when the little girl was pushed around and she submitted into it like a beaten dog, just saying ‘yes master’ and doing all kinds stupid jobs just to please their master."
Oh, let's just all shed a tear now for the little Mary Sue. Whoop-de-do. Excuse me while I retch.
Listen, I can't continue. It's too traumantic. Any takers?
Story Or Series Title: Beginning of the Force. I swear on Vader's cape that I am deadly serious. This is really what it's called. I swear. Honest.
Fandom: Star Wars
Culprit Author's Name: Master-Ash-Lee
Full Name (plus titles if any): Funnily enough, it's Ash Lee. See above. Also known as Jedi Master, Grand Master, a kitten, a dancing girl, a drug addict
Full Species(es): Her species is described, I kid you not, as a "kitten". Yes. A kitten. Hey, I did warn you.
Hair Color (include adjectives): "The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white." Yes, this does have paragraph after paragraph just describing Ash Lee's appearance. Excuse me while I puke.
Eye Color (include adjectives): "What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical." Child is not synonymous with kitten. Or is it? Dear god, I feel sick ...
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Mate, the whole fucking THING is unusual! Since when do we have kittens in the GFFA?
Special Possessions (if any): The unique ability to make me want to kill myself only three sentences in. As my dear Kath put it, "Cat enslavement, sexual harassment by corpulent beings, and attempted homicide." It's all there. All of it.
Don't believe me? 'ere you go:
"The music played on and the girls danced their way into perverted hearts and sickened minds." >> And that, ladeez and gents, is a direct quote. I'm not shitting you. That is a direct quote. Chapter one. I swear.
Annoying Origin: Mercifully not revealed. A primeval swamp, I like to think.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: NONE! I'm not lying to you, there's not a fucking canon character in the whole thing! It's just a host of more annoying irritating OCs by the minute. Oh, and she seems to have a thing against humans. EVERYONE, except for the evil, villain!Sith!abused childhood friend!Anti-Sue is some form of animal. A lion, perhaps. Or a kitten.
Annoying Special Abilities: Force sensitive.
Other Annoying Traits: OH GOD. See below.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
I can't actually. The whole thing is an abomination. Cut for chapter-by-chapter rant below.
Okay, let's start with Chapter 1.
The scene starts in bar, where, I kid you not, "Men whistled and gave cat calls as two young children danced on stage." Yes, you have it right, ladies and gentlemen. The FIRST SENTENCE and we already have mentions of sex, bestiality, child exploitation and pornography. Perfect, simply excellent. I do love a bit of good old fashioned sordid behaviour myself.
"The music played and their tiny bodies twisted and turned with the innocents of little girls, but also with the seduction of the adult women who also danced in the club." Oh, I have nothing to say here. Other than that these mentions of pedophilia and other such lovely, base urges is totally turning me on. Got a condom, anyone?
Oh, and, this little girl has the SMeyer disease -- she can't fucking SHUT UP. We have paragraph after paragraph of lurid, purple prose description about exactly what the Sues -- yes, note the plural, SueS -- look like, what they do, what they wear. An example:
" The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white. What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical.
The little human girl was equally exquisite with fine golden blond hair and beautiful blue eyes that sparkled in the lighting. She twirled and her china doll like skin glittered in the colorful lights, her skin powdered in make up, her eyes done up with liners. Her steps were just as graceful as her friend’s. The two of them made a spectacular pair on stage as they danced, one a star of beauty, the other a pathetic feline, pleasing all eyes in the audience."
And that, my loves, is an example of why this stupid, teenage, idiot author must burn, burn, burn. Look at it. Just LOOK AT IT. "Magical." "China doll." "Pathetic feline." I can't go on. ARE YOU HAPPY, STEPHANIE FUCKING MEYER?
Ahem. Yes. Sorry. Moving on.
So the strippers girls dress in normal, HUMAN, EARTH clothing, such as "sweatpants", while discussing totally lewd details about their horrible, starved, tortured, abused lives. Some of the totally scintillating dialogue that continues here is as follows:
"“Thanks again Arual, for coming up with me,” the kitten spoke to her friend and the blond girl just gave a smile,
“Don’t worry Ash Lee, I wouldn’t leave you alone, not out there,”"
You have it right, kids. Arual the china doll human girl and Ash Lee the ... kitten?! Wait, that's not right, is it?
"The feline was one of them most exotic of the pair. A Cathar kitten with calico fur twirled around with the grace of the wind. Her back paws were brown, bleeding into black on her right and into a creamy yellow on the left. Her right paw was black all the way up into her clothing and her left paw was white. Her long fluffy tail was a dark brown at the base that bled into white which turned to black in equal parts through. Her hair was the same creamy yellow as her patched fur. The left side of her face was brown; bleeding up into her velvety ear while her other ear was black running thickly down the side of her fury face, leaving the rest of her face white. What were truly enchanting about her were her eyes, her left eye was brown and the other was a brilliant blue, making the child look magical."
Yes, it is right. A kitten. With hair. Pass the slop bucket, will you, I think I'm going to be sick.
Okay, and then comes the REALLY nauseating part. Are you ready for this? Hold onto your lightsabers, fellow Jedi brethren, here we go.
"Arual smiled though, the little 4-year-old drying off the fuzzy tail and rubbing the fur on the 6-year-old’s back."
Six. Four. That is just it, my good friends. Six and four. I can't even fathom comments to this. I'll leave it with you.
Okay, well, anyway. The two little darlings change into totally slutty and inappropriate clothes and makeup to go and meet with "The Master", who is described as "very large in size, his stomach swelled so large that both girls could sit on it without problems, and they knew it because they had done it. His face was almost taken up by the fatty flesh, his eyes sunken in and his nose squeezed shut, making him wheeze when he breathed, his arms were short and stubby, and his legs were nothing more then useless flesh and bone. His room was made up wonderfully though, golden pillars lining the walls and scarves of silk draped from the ceiling and rugs of fine threads carpeted the floor. The man was materialistic, and his slaves were no more then possessions to show off. He sat on a platform, cross legged as his guests, men of great wealth and plenty smaller then he was, sat on pillows while their slaves were either curled around them, standing behind them or dancing to the music that the musicians played behind a curtain of silk behind the master."
And then, of course, we have the totally requisite dance and lewd comments, which are actually making me puke. I'm serious.
After that particular torture ends, we have the even WORSE particular torture, IMHO: the tragic past.
"Arual saw Ash Lee’s pain before she knelt down and allowed her own tears to form in her eyes, remembering when Ash Lee came in. she had been a little kitten, filthy and starved, rummaging through the dumpster outside for scraps to eat, only to be caught by one of the guards. She had been called thief, and forced to work off her debt, which only grew as she was fed, bathed, taken care of and since then her debt had become nothing more then a reason to keep the kitten about. Basically a false promise that one day she would be free. Arual was angered about this every day when the little girl was pushed around and she submitted into it like a beaten dog, just saying ‘yes master’ and doing all kinds stupid jobs just to please their master."
Oh, let's just all shed a tear now for the little Mary Sue. Whoop-de-do. Excuse me while I retch.
Listen, I can't continue. It's too traumantic. Any takers?