Confession time
So okay, I need to confess this ... maybe not confess, maybe it is more that I need to own this ... maybe not so much own as admit this ... this is really hard to say ..
Today I fell.
I fell from my porch.
I fell trying to walk down my steps and I lost my balance.
I manage to twist my torso enough to ensure that I did not fall on my head and/or spine, nor hit my head against the concrete. But I fell.
I hit the ground mostly on my left side, with both arms outstretched in front of me.
My left shoulder, hip, knee, wrist and side is hurting as well as my right hand and shin. I haven't seen any bruises yet, but I am waiting to see what happens.
As I hit the ground, all I was thinking was two things. First, "this is probably scaring the shit out of Ishtar", closely followed by "protect your head, protect your head."
As I laid on the ground, all I wanted was to lay their silently for a minute, just a moment to let all that has just happened sink in. But I could feel Ishtar's distress, so I spoke some words out loud to let her know I was conscious and quickly scanned my body to see if anything may be broken before I moved.
As I slowly turned myself so I could sit on the ground, instead of laying next to the steps and under the neighbor's bush, it dawned on me that another of my greatest fears had just manifested ... and with a witness who actually knew what this fall meant to me. I felt oh so busted.
I had fell from my steps in front of a person who would not brush it off nor make light of it .. I was oh so busted. So I began laughing softly to myself as I pulled myself up and onto the steps. I looked at Ishtar and admitted to my feeling of having been busted, i.e. at how I had to face that maybe I was as vulnerable as I feared I was in front of someone who knew I had that fear. She admitted at how frightening it had been for her as well.
I managed to pull it together long enough to drive her to the train station and get myself home (and back up those same stairs).
Okay, I knew I needed a handrail. And now I have no excuse not to get one. I also know that I am still in denial about how much my disability has affected me. There were a number of reasons why I fell, including just dumb luck -- people fall everyday and it is not the end of the world.
But I also fell because I was rushing to get Ishtar to the train station while I was exhausted, and in a lot of physical distress, without having had any time to truly rest and recover from a week of almost non-stop activity. That is a recipe for disaster and I was truly lucky.
Anyone who has been to my house will attest that by falling to the left, I managed to avoid hitting my head or any body part on concrete. I fell from the third step in such a way as to not hit any other step. And I fell while another person was there to help me. Not one neighbor saw me fall, and I could have hit my head and ben laying there for awhile before anyone would have noticed me. I was hidden behind the shrubbery and between the two porches -- I was damn lucky on all counts.
It was just enough to scare me to my core and force me to face my denials.
I can almost hear the voice say, "Next time, it will be the two-by-four!"
There is more ... but I need to attend to the stiffness and soreness. I also need to just let myself cry about all of it. Not to mention, bitchin and cussin ...
Today I fell.
I fell from my porch.
I fell trying to walk down my steps and I lost my balance.
I manage to twist my torso enough to ensure that I did not fall on my head and/or spine, nor hit my head against the concrete. But I fell.
I hit the ground mostly on my left side, with both arms outstretched in front of me.
My left shoulder, hip, knee, wrist and side is hurting as well as my right hand and shin. I haven't seen any bruises yet, but I am waiting to see what happens.
As I hit the ground, all I was thinking was two things. First, "this is probably scaring the shit out of Ishtar", closely followed by "protect your head, protect your head."
As I laid on the ground, all I wanted was to lay their silently for a minute, just a moment to let all that has just happened sink in. But I could feel Ishtar's distress, so I spoke some words out loud to let her know I was conscious and quickly scanned my body to see if anything may be broken before I moved.
As I slowly turned myself so I could sit on the ground, instead of laying next to the steps and under the neighbor's bush, it dawned on me that another of my greatest fears had just manifested ... and with a witness who actually knew what this fall meant to me. I felt oh so busted.
I had fell from my steps in front of a person who would not brush it off nor make light of it .. I was oh so busted. So I began laughing softly to myself as I pulled myself up and onto the steps. I looked at Ishtar and admitted to my feeling of having been busted, i.e. at how I had to face that maybe I was as vulnerable as I feared I was in front of someone who knew I had that fear. She admitted at how frightening it had been for her as well.
I managed to pull it together long enough to drive her to the train station and get myself home (and back up those same stairs).
Okay, I knew I needed a handrail. And now I have no excuse not to get one. I also know that I am still in denial about how much my disability has affected me. There were a number of reasons why I fell, including just dumb luck -- people fall everyday and it is not the end of the world.
But I also fell because I was rushing to get Ishtar to the train station while I was exhausted, and in a lot of physical distress, without having had any time to truly rest and recover from a week of almost non-stop activity. That is a recipe for disaster and I was truly lucky.
Anyone who has been to my house will attest that by falling to the left, I managed to avoid hitting my head or any body part on concrete. I fell from the third step in such a way as to not hit any other step. And I fell while another person was there to help me. Not one neighbor saw me fall, and I could have hit my head and ben laying there for awhile before anyone would have noticed me. I was hidden behind the shrubbery and between the two porches -- I was damn lucky on all counts.
It was just enough to scare me to my core and force me to face my denials.
I can almost hear the voice say, "Next time, it will be the two-by-four!"
There is more ... but I need to attend to the stiffness and soreness. I also need to just let myself cry about all of it. Not to mention, bitchin and cussin ...