Autumn Dread
It's raining. Hard. According to the weather forecast, the next sunny day will be next Monday. It's fall. The leaves are turning. Did I mention that it's raining?
The weather has been so beautiful lately. I should be grateful. But I feel this pit in my stomach that I can't shake. Winter's coming.
The last couple of winters were so much better. Ever since I started getting up earlier, I've done pretty well. So the actual winter months aren't so terrible. But the dread that hits me in the fall is still pretty fierce.
I had nearly crippling seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for years. I tried using a light box. I tried drugs. Neither worked. My whole life came to a screeching halt for nearly half the year. The severity of it was exacerbated by peri-menopausal hormonal upheaval.
So finally I changed my schedule. I had been getting up at around noon and going to bed at 2 or 3 am for years. I kept that schedule because that's my husband's schedule (he works from 3pm to 11:30pm). I was afraid that I would see a lot less of him if I changed my schedule, but we seem to do OK. Maybe we have a little less time together, but it feels like we have just as much quality time together as we used to, and that's the really crucial thing.
So the change in schedule really helped the SAD. And I appear to be on the other side of the hormonal upheaval. My energy is back, the fog has lifted, and I'm ready to go.
I would love to be able to enjoy the fall: the beautiful colors, the cooler temperature, the apples, the pumpkins. But I feel this awful dread. And I needed to write about it, so here I am.
In my head, I know the winter is probably going to be even better than the last two have been, at least in terms of my mood and energy level. But what I know in my head doesn't seem to have much effect on the dread. The dread has a life of its own. I wonder how many good winters I'll have before the autumn dread begins to recede?
The weather has been so beautiful lately. I should be grateful. But I feel this pit in my stomach that I can't shake. Winter's coming.
The last couple of winters were so much better. Ever since I started getting up earlier, I've done pretty well. So the actual winter months aren't so terrible. But the dread that hits me in the fall is still pretty fierce.
I had nearly crippling seasonal affective disorder (SAD) for years. I tried using a light box. I tried drugs. Neither worked. My whole life came to a screeching halt for nearly half the year. The severity of it was exacerbated by peri-menopausal hormonal upheaval.
So finally I changed my schedule. I had been getting up at around noon and going to bed at 2 or 3 am for years. I kept that schedule because that's my husband's schedule (he works from 3pm to 11:30pm). I was afraid that I would see a lot less of him if I changed my schedule, but we seem to do OK. Maybe we have a little less time together, but it feels like we have just as much quality time together as we used to, and that's the really crucial thing.
So the change in schedule really helped the SAD. And I appear to be on the other side of the hormonal upheaval. My energy is back, the fog has lifted, and I'm ready to go.
I would love to be able to enjoy the fall: the beautiful colors, the cooler temperature, the apples, the pumpkins. But I feel this awful dread. And I needed to write about it, so here I am.
In my head, I know the winter is probably going to be even better than the last two have been, at least in terms of my mood and energy level. But what I know in my head doesn't seem to have much effect on the dread. The dread has a life of its own. I wonder how many good winters I'll have before the autumn dread begins to recede?