(no subject)

May 22, 2007 18:31

I think andrew hates me. probably for good reason but how the hell am i supposed to know. everything that happens in my head is some sort of distorted jumbled mess that no one can decipher not even myself. I just dont understand how i became this person...

" life is easy. it's about making choices and not looking back"

well now that sounds like the old me. the live for the moment- favorite part of life is emotion -kind of me. which part of me do i value more? the one that considers the consequences of my actions or the one that enjoys life?

is there a middle ground? I hate everything right now. everything imaginable. I hate the fact that i'm stuck here in this room (of my own doing) and that i have no friends ( of my own doing) and i'm sick and broke and miserable. and I cant even have a stupid night out with my boyfriend without screwing things up. because i'm "too sensitive and get offended too easily"

I'm sorry I dont like hearing watching or discussing hate, racism, killing, immigration laws, sexism, adolf hitler, gangs, etc. it isnt my cup of tea. so what.

my best friend left town and didnt even tell me. i heard it from her brother. now maybe i should stop calling her my best friend.

for as much as i hate work it seems to be the only thing keeping me sane right now and my one day this week was not even work to even pay my phone bill let alone buy food and help andrew pay bills. no matter how hard i try things arent getting any easier on me. add iv antibiotics and lack of social interaction and i'm on the verge of jumping off a building.

And i cant even say that i actually want to have friends. because everyone annoys the piss out of me. I dont like to talk about things. life is gross. i cant think of a single thing that i would like to do outside of get completely fucked up and go to sleep so why do i need company for that? I dont. thank you very much. so i cant be as alone as i feel and yet i'm constantly craving company. i'm a mess and a half these days with no hope of finding any sort of inspiration to keep up with this.

i'm going home this weekend. thank god. i miss my parents. the only people who dont hate me no matter how much i suck or how bad of a mood i'm in.

when will i smile without forcing it? when will my journal entries become less dramatic? when will i move past the age of 17? when will i just be ok with it all?
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