all the lights are turning green and red
i wish people would stop telling me how i am supposed to feel.
I feel smothered by everyone elses thoughts and feelings.
i can't be happy and i can't be sad.
if im too happy then i've moved on and it's too quick.
if i'm sad .. i hurt everyone
I have no time to sit and reflect by myself.
perhaps i'm too affraid to sit alone and think.
because if i think then i'm vunerable to emotions.
i haven't cried for a week or so.
there is a rather cute boy who desperately wants to hang out.
i keep pushing him away.
some of it isn't my fault.
seeing as i'm home for the summer.
i am entitled to abide by mother and father.
not that many if any rules are really placed.
however, when my mother says she doesn't want some stranger
coming over ... well there isn't much i can do about that.
today was the second time i had to tell him we couldn't hang out.
I fear that he has .. or will now have given up.
he didn't even text me back .
i don't think i even want anything out of him.
i mean relationship ... wise that is.
i just want someone cute, who will take me out for chinese food
make me laugh at silly things.
someone who will stand a little too close.
maybe someone who will kiss me gently.
and at the end of the night go home to his house.
no expectations.
no seriousness.
just fun
does that sound horrible ?
I wish i could sleep without horrible nightmares.
every night it's about the same thing.
perhaps a different scenario ..
the same people are in it.
it's all pertaining to the same thing.
I'm terrified to sleep.
I'm even more terrified to wake up.
at least there isn't the same heart break when i'm dreaming
it's not the real physical pain i feel when i wake up.
i wake up more tired then when i fall asleep
has any one had this before ??
what is the cure.
there has got to be something.
something that cures nightmares and waking up crying.
please.
i'd do anything to cure this.
life is too real at the moment.
i need to get my act together.
i need an apartment.
i need a car.
i need to go on a vacation...
far
far
away..
where no one knows me
or what's happened
where i can do things that i'd like to do
without questions.
without guilt trips.