AAAAAHHHH!
well, this sucks. i have mono and am exhausted and yet i can't sleep... ah i'm so sick of people making me feel like shit about myself. I really can't take it any more. Even if people are just joking around, there are times when i just can't deal with it and right now, i can't okay? So please, lay off?
So anyways, here's what happened today, i went to Brighton for like 20 minutes to review with Mr. Engel for my Art of Com. final. Should be a piece of cake. Then went to Use the Text it was alright, i was delirious, people mistaked it for me feeling better. Plus there was people acting weird that made me feel shitty and i'll be talking to that person at some point. Then i had to pointlessly do a final review thing for dance and there was this thing that said, "aditional comments welcomed" so i took advantage and gave Mrs. Brightholland some comments. Alright so i was plain bitchy. I admit it. But i had my reasons. I basicly said that this semester was terrible and i didn't learn half of what i had been expecting to learn. I also said that if she had expected us to be respectful towards her, she should have been respectful towards us. And i said that i am not a rude person unless you give me reason and she gave me plenty of reasons and then i said that i hoped she did not plan on continuing teaching unless she learned to not act like a twelve year old. Now common, we were all thinking it. I was just the only one with the balls to tell it to her.
But more about that later.
Then 'run though'-ish thing of best of. I was delirious. Was happy for a bit cuz it was the end of high school. then people were rude to me. pretended not to care... but did. Really don't want to deal with it any more.
Went home, called rachel had some of my smirnoff ice from what i was gonna drink for prom to celebrate being done with highschool. ate something then my dad yelled at me for no reason before i left for best of. ...ah, got to love his timing.
Picked up Veronica and went to best of. I gave Diana and Amanda their special paper plate awards cuz the teachers were stupid and didn't double check that they had everyone before they gave them out. Soooooo not cool man. Then Starkweather told us there was gonna be a talent scout there. I got freaked out. People made me feel like shit about it. Thanks. Excuse me for caring about my future. Mm... We performed, it was cool. No more performing on that stage.
As a side note, it's fucking FREEZING in my room right now
Then the ceremony for seniors. cute, almost got me going at the end there, then i remembered how much the program sucked for me this semester. And um COLLEGE! woot. Mmm... all i'm really gonna miss at the moment is the people... and i've been doubting even that lately. ...Tim and Jen got the scholarships. Gee. it's great to know that a performing arts scholarship is going to one person who isn't going into performing arts, and one person who hasn't cared at all about pa and who has only been in it a year and a half. Nope, i'm not bitter.
Then 'reception'... was fine, greeting people, planning to go to efr... then ms. starkweather pulls me aside. wait no, she dragged me into the auditorium and closed the door. she told me i was just plain mean to say the things i said to mrs. brightholland. and she said i need to be careful in the way i state my opinion. ...basicly she told me i'm a terrible and mean person... but not in those words. Joy such a wonderful thing to hear as the last thing i'll hear from her until i come and visit. makes me not want to visit...
then efr which was fine until the scholarship thing came up. i just stated my opinion about how i didn't think tim should have gotten it and diana, although i know she didn't realize how much it bothered me, started telling me that things have changed and... ah, well basicly i felt like she was completely shooting me down and i really didn't need that cuz everyone has been doing it lately then michelle chimed in and it was just bad timing so i left the table cuz i tend to remove myself from situations like that... aka when i know i'm going to end up crying. went to the bathroom and did as much.
Jen, being the sweetie she is, came in and talked to me. I told her everything that's been bothering me.
1. I feel like people don't care about me any more cuz of many reasons
2. There was a time when i was like the most popular person in my grade and it kinda makes me feel like shit that people don't like me any more.
3. My friends just keep ripping on me, and RIPPING on me and i really can't take it any more. As i used to tell Eric, there comes a point when people if they keep repeating insults at you, you start believing its true, and idk... i just wish my FRIENDS.... would stop insulting me. I know they're just jokes... but... don't you see it bothers me... it's not like i hide it most of the time. JUST LOOK AT MY FACE!! PLEASE...
4. I'm the only one of my close senior friends who's going really far away and it's really scary for me and people don't realize that at all.
ahh... plus my parents' situation is just no good right now... actualy it's terrible... plus... ah... my dad....
Jen and i went out after efr and had a talk on the beach. we talked about eric... started crying a bit, she didn't see it. I still can't bear what he did to me. and i have to spend ten days with him this summer... kill me now... no really.
and yes, it is still bothering me and if you think i have no reason for it to still hurt me, you're a douche bag and don't understand anything.
yes i have alot of misplaced anger. I never let it out. It's getting not good.
Know what i realized today while i was crying on the floor of EFR's bathroom? People don't know me at all. They really don't. The only person who really knew me was eric. I let him in, and he always knew when i was upset with the slightest facial expression. Sure maybe he didn't do anything about it, but he knew. Clearly people don't know me cuz they can't read me at all.
FUCKING SHIT FUCK ASS FUCKING DAMNIT FUCKING AHHHH!
College will be nice... maybe people will get to know me before they assume they know me. If you think you know me, nope you don't. Closest people right now would be Jen, Veronica, and Diana. Even they are wrong sometimes and or alot.
mmkay i'm gonna go lay in my bed and wait until i stop being all teary and i can sleep...
So anyways, here's what happened today, i went to Brighton for like 20 minutes to review with Mr. Engel for my Art of Com. final. Should be a piece of cake. Then went to Use the Text it was alright, i was delirious, people mistaked it for me feeling better. Plus there was people acting weird that made me feel shitty and i'll be talking to that person at some point. Then i had to pointlessly do a final review thing for dance and there was this thing that said, "aditional comments welcomed" so i took advantage and gave Mrs. Brightholland some comments. Alright so i was plain bitchy. I admit it. But i had my reasons. I basicly said that this semester was terrible and i didn't learn half of what i had been expecting to learn. I also said that if she had expected us to be respectful towards her, she should have been respectful towards us. And i said that i am not a rude person unless you give me reason and she gave me plenty of reasons and then i said that i hoped she did not plan on continuing teaching unless she learned to not act like a twelve year old. Now common, we were all thinking it. I was just the only one with the balls to tell it to her.
But more about that later.
Then 'run though'-ish thing of best of. I was delirious. Was happy for a bit cuz it was the end of high school. then people were rude to me. pretended not to care... but did. Really don't want to deal with it any more.
Went home, called rachel had some of my smirnoff ice from what i was gonna drink for prom to celebrate being done with highschool. ate something then my dad yelled at me for no reason before i left for best of. ...ah, got to love his timing.
Picked up Veronica and went to best of. I gave Diana and Amanda their special paper plate awards cuz the teachers were stupid and didn't double check that they had everyone before they gave them out. Soooooo not cool man. Then Starkweather told us there was gonna be a talent scout there. I got freaked out. People made me feel like shit about it. Thanks. Excuse me for caring about my future. Mm... We performed, it was cool. No more performing on that stage.
As a side note, it's fucking FREEZING in my room right now
Then the ceremony for seniors. cute, almost got me going at the end there, then i remembered how much the program sucked for me this semester. And um COLLEGE! woot. Mmm... all i'm really gonna miss at the moment is the people... and i've been doubting even that lately. ...Tim and Jen got the scholarships. Gee. it's great to know that a performing arts scholarship is going to one person who isn't going into performing arts, and one person who hasn't cared at all about pa and who has only been in it a year and a half. Nope, i'm not bitter.
Then 'reception'... was fine, greeting people, planning to go to efr... then ms. starkweather pulls me aside. wait no, she dragged me into the auditorium and closed the door. she told me i was just plain mean to say the things i said to mrs. brightholland. and she said i need to be careful in the way i state my opinion. ...basicly she told me i'm a terrible and mean person... but not in those words. Joy such a wonderful thing to hear as the last thing i'll hear from her until i come and visit. makes me not want to visit...
then efr which was fine until the scholarship thing came up. i just stated my opinion about how i didn't think tim should have gotten it and diana, although i know she didn't realize how much it bothered me, started telling me that things have changed and... ah, well basicly i felt like she was completely shooting me down and i really didn't need that cuz everyone has been doing it lately then michelle chimed in and it was just bad timing so i left the table cuz i tend to remove myself from situations like that... aka when i know i'm going to end up crying. went to the bathroom and did as much.
Jen, being the sweetie she is, came in and talked to me. I told her everything that's been bothering me.
1. I feel like people don't care about me any more cuz of many reasons
2. There was a time when i was like the most popular person in my grade and it kinda makes me feel like shit that people don't like me any more.
3. My friends just keep ripping on me, and RIPPING on me and i really can't take it any more. As i used to tell Eric, there comes a point when people if they keep repeating insults at you, you start believing its true, and idk... i just wish my FRIENDS.... would stop insulting me. I know they're just jokes... but... don't you see it bothers me... it's not like i hide it most of the time. JUST LOOK AT MY FACE!! PLEASE...
4. I'm the only one of my close senior friends who's going really far away and it's really scary for me and people don't realize that at all.
ahh... plus my parents' situation is just no good right now... actualy it's terrible... plus... ah... my dad....
Jen and i went out after efr and had a talk on the beach. we talked about eric... started crying a bit, she didn't see it. I still can't bear what he did to me. and i have to spend ten days with him this summer... kill me now... no really.
and yes, it is still bothering me and if you think i have no reason for it to still hurt me, you're a douche bag and don't understand anything.
yes i have alot of misplaced anger. I never let it out. It's getting not good.
Know what i realized today while i was crying on the floor of EFR's bathroom? People don't know me at all. They really don't. The only person who really knew me was eric. I let him in, and he always knew when i was upset with the slightest facial expression. Sure maybe he didn't do anything about it, but he knew. Clearly people don't know me cuz they can't read me at all.
FUCKING SHIT FUCK ASS FUCKING DAMNIT FUCKING AHHHH!
College will be nice... maybe people will get to know me before they assume they know me. If you think you know me, nope you don't. Closest people right now would be Jen, Veronica, and Diana. Even they are wrong sometimes and or alot.
mmkay i'm gonna go lay in my bed and wait until i stop being all teary and i can sleep...