There was one night when things were really bad, when the twins were announcing too many names of those missing on the radio, Dean Thomas ringing out over and over again in Marlow's head. She couldn't sleep, she couldn't think straight. She couldn't even sit still. But she'd made her way to the Common Room, the flames from the fireplace making her eyes hurt but at least it was something to focus on, something to distract her.
It wasn't long before Seamus found his way downstairs, the two of them falling easily into the night rhythm they'd found. They were huddled together on the floor, wrapped up in a thick, wool blanket, both of them without anything to say.
But his presence had been enough. It was always enough.
The kiss had came out of nowhere, wet tears from her face sliding onto his, their movements slow and soft and before she knew it, the two of them were curled up together on the floor, waking up at first light the next morning.
She didn't think she'd ever forget that night.
But nothing had ever happened. Nothing was said between them and while she often found herself thinking about it, she eventually pushed it from her mind, knowing their friendship would never survive anything born out of fear and heartache of their friend's disappearance. After a while she'd moved on, the feelings between them growing more familial to her than anything else.
He was her family.
But right now, the memory came flashing back, almost as if it was haunting her.
"But you're with Orla-" she stammered, shaking her head. "Seamus- you love Orla- you can't even look at anyone else when she's in the room-"
He couldn't feel that way about her. All the teasing and joking- Marlow never expected it would ever be sincere.
Even now, when he was telling her out right that he cared about there, that it was hard for him to see her with somebody else, anybody but somehow worse with Zacharias Smith, she was just going to brush it all off. It was like none of that even mattered to her, that she couldn't even imagine that Seamus would have those sort of feelings.
Honestly, it made him want to tear his hair out, growing even more frustrated.
"This isn't about Orla-" he said, his voice getting away from him now.
Seamus turned away from her, rubbing at the back of his neck as he took deep breaths to clear his head, a sad exercise that was supposed to calm him down but usually didn't work very well. At least now he could see straight, no threat of that blurred out, rage filled vision and fire brewing inside of him.
"You know, what. Just never mind, okay? Forget it-"
She was feeling frantic and exhausted, for the first time not knowing how to make this better. It dawned on her in that moment that there might not be able anything she could say that would fix this.
She had never seen him so frustrated. He was angry and it was at her.
She pressed her lips together, biting down on them harshly as she felt her heart starting to beat rapidly in her chest.
"Seamus- you're my best friend-" she said, her voice desperate, the sound making her wince. "What ever is going on, I'm here-"
Whatever it was, she'd figure it out. They would. They always did.
This was starting to break him down now, the pounding inside of his head getting louder and louder with each passing second. It was possible that this was the most difficult and exhausting conversation, or fight or fallout or whatever this was, that he'd ever had to deal with in his life.
That was when Zacharias' words came ringing back to him, loud and clear when they'd been overlooked by his rage earlier.
Though, they didn't make him any less upset now.
"What did he mean anyway?" Seamus probably could have asked her more delicately, but he didn't. "What, you're always here for me and I'm never there for you? What the hell-"
She took another step forward on the beat of the word, Marlow's hands out cautiously, palms facing out as she looked at him, her head shaking.
She wasn't sure she knew how to explain all of that without getting involved in how she had been feeling these past few months. And this wasn't about her- really. Not with the way Seamus was acting. There was something going on here that she couldn't grasp and the last thing she wanted to do was start spilling her own issues.
"No- he was just, frustrated, I guess-" she said lamely. "He's um- well look Seamus- I've been going through a lot of-"
She couldn't figure out how to say this and it was coming out disjointed and stammered.
She frowned.
"It's nothing. What he said was just stupid, alright? Just forget about it."
Well, that answer was more than fair considering he was offering the same amount of explanation and feelings, which was absolutely nothing.
Still, he couldn't help feeling frustrated over the whole thing, a part of him wanting to know so badly what was going on with her, to see how he could make it better - it was the exact same part that he was trying to drown out now by putting distance between them.
"Well, he's always being stupid but he seemed to really think I've been a shit friend to you-"
Seamus took a step backwards, pressing himself back against the counter of his kitchen now, fingers braced against the granite overhang. He didn't want to get too close to her, not when he was feeling like this, the memory of his black out (or lack of memory- just completely over taken by his rage, no ounce of logical thinking left) still too fresh.
There was a small part of him that was afraid of that, knowing it would only be so much worse at the full moon, his entire life becoming one moment after another of complete chaos and lack of control.
Just that slight step backward put Marlow's body at an immediate standstill. If he didn't think he could stand even a few inches closer to her, she wasn't going to push it, no matter how much that pained her. All the moments they'd spent curled up together, whether it was in front of the fireplace or watching a movie, those moments hadn't ever felt uncomfortable before.
But now, she realized, a lot had changed in such a short amount of time.
She felt as if she were intruding on his personal space now, everything she said or did eliciting a reaction from him that she didn't understand.
She swallowed roughly, the lump lodging itself in the back of her throat threatening to push her to tears again.
"It's been a hard couple of months-" she admitted, trying to somehow say this without falling into the same line of accusations as Zacharias did back at the beer garden. "And he's been really supportive-"
She picked at her fingers, her eyes focusing on her hands.
"But he doesn't realize that I've been the one to be so out of touch-" she paused, shrugging her shoulders. "He just didn't realize it was me-"
Seamus just stared at her blankly now, biting into the inside of his cheek as he listened, watched her fumble and try to reason with him as if all of this was actually all her fault all along. If he didn't close himself off then he was going to crumble, pull her back into his arms and this whole thing would have been pointless.
It was going to be better for them both to change directions, set some boundaries in their friendship - even if it meant taking some time off completely. He needed to stop falling into these patterns, undefined relationships messing with his head and keeping him from moving forward.
If he was going to make a choice it was going to be this one.
It was more than clear already who she had chosen.
"What, so my owls go unanswered and our movie nights are for nothing?" he asked her, an edge to his voice again but he just couldn't help it.
He would feel guilty later, knowing just how deeply she could sink into own patterns. But he wasn't that person that she had turned to and he wasn't going to apologize for having his own life, for not charging into the castle (where he hadn't stepped foot in since their seventh year), and trying to save the day over a few unanswered letters.
"He must have gotten the idea from somewhere that you 'can't talk to your friends'-"
Her shoulders sagged, her body sort of curving in on itself as she stood there, once again feeling utterly defeated. It seemed like everything she said angered him more, the bite and edge to his tone growing progressively more intense every time he spoke. She sucked in a breath, her eyes catching sight of the floor as she tried to steady the rapid beating of her heart in her chest.
"He sees things differently than I do-" she said quietly.
Which was true. Zacharias, as much as he might try, wouldn't be able to see everything the way she did- the fear she felt in actually talking about what was wrong with her- if only because saying it aloud made it true.
And she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet.
It made her feel weak and pathetic and not at all the woman she had worked so hard to become, to seem like to everyone else. She was the one who fought in the Inter-House Tournament and almost won. She was the one who joined the Order and fought on the front lines. The one who had completely re-vamped the Potions program at Hogwarts.
But she was also the one who could hardly make it out of bed some mornings. The one who felt like crying all the time.
"I haven't talked to anyone, alright? He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," she admitted. Though, really, considering the state she had been in, no matter how embarrassed she still felt, it was really the right place at the right time.
"Well, it doesn't seem like that to me. Seems like the bloke got pretty fucking lucky being there for you-" he said, obvious bitterness in his tone.
Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
Marlow hesitated for a moment, his words repeating over and over again in her head, trying to somehow excuse the gross insinuation attached to his words.
"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
Seamus bit into his cheek, so hard this time that the sharp metallic taste of blood fill his mouth and a sharp pain right between the eyes, her words cutting deep.
It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
Her hand had wrapped around the doorknob, Marlow lingering there, somehow waiting and hoping that maybe he'd apologize or confess what was really going on- that he would just talk to her or that this was all just a weird dream, that everything that had happened at the beer garden- everything here- that it was all just her imagination running wild.
It had done that when things got really bad, Marlow so easily convincing herself that she needed to stay in the castle- that no one needed to see her or hear from her. What good would she be to them anyway? She was a mess. A pathetic disaster. And she'd been terrified of admitting how she felt, how low she'd found herself getting. And it had been easy to fall into it with Lavender getting married and Dean meeting Sabrina and Seamus occupying himself with Orla. Everyone had so easily moved on without her and she was still trailing behind and picking up all the pieces.
But this wasn't a dream.
Because he was saying everything that had haunted her mind for months. The words were there, hanging in the room and she felt as if all the wind had been knocked from her.
"You do that, Seamus-" she said, voice hollow. "You're not going to have to worry about me and my problems anymore, I promise."
And with that, she was gone, pulling open the door and passing through the entrance without a passing glance.
When the door shut behind her Seamus just stood there, watching and staring into space for a very long time, the blood pounding inside of his ears and taking deep breaths.
He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
It wasn't long before Seamus found his way downstairs, the two of them falling easily into the night rhythm they'd found. They were huddled together on the floor, wrapped up in a thick, wool blanket, both of them without anything to say.
But his presence had been enough. It was always enough.
The kiss had came out of nowhere, wet tears from her face sliding onto his, their movements slow and soft and before she knew it, the two of them were curled up together on the floor, waking up at first light the next morning.
She didn't think she'd ever forget that night.
But nothing had ever happened. Nothing was said between them and while she often found herself thinking about it, she eventually pushed it from her mind, knowing their friendship would never survive anything born out of fear and heartache of their friend's disappearance. After a while she'd moved on, the feelings between them growing more familial to her than anything else.
He was her family.
But right now, the memory came flashing back, almost as if it was haunting her.
"But you're with Orla-" she stammered, shaking her head. "Seamus- you love Orla- you can't even look at anyone else when she's in the room-"
He couldn't feel that way about her. All the teasing and joking- Marlow never expected it would ever be sincere.
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Honestly, it made him want to tear his hair out, growing even more frustrated.
"This isn't about Orla-" he said, his voice getting away from him now.
Seamus turned away from her, rubbing at the back of his neck as he took deep breaths to clear his head, a sad exercise that was supposed to calm him down but usually didn't work very well. At least now he could see straight, no threat of that blurred out, rage filled vision and fire brewing inside of him.
"You know, what. Just never mind, okay? Forget it-"
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She was feeling frantic and exhausted, for the first time not knowing how to make this better. It dawned on her in that moment that there might not be able anything she could say that would fix this.
She had never seen him so frustrated. He was angry and it was at her.
She pressed her lips together, biting down on them harshly as she felt her heart starting to beat rapidly in her chest.
"Seamus- you're my best friend-" she said, her voice desperate, the sound making her wince. "What ever is going on, I'm here-"
Whatever it was, she'd figure it out. They would. They always did.
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This was starting to break him down now, the pounding inside of his head getting louder and louder with each passing second. It was possible that this was the most difficult and exhausting conversation, or fight or fallout or whatever this was, that he'd ever had to deal with in his life.
That was when Zacharias' words came ringing back to him, loud and clear when they'd been overlooked by his rage earlier.
Though, they didn't make him any less upset now.
"What did he mean anyway?" Seamus probably could have asked her more delicately, but he didn't. "What, you're always here for me and I'm never there for you? What the hell-"
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She took another step forward on the beat of the word, Marlow's hands out cautiously, palms facing out as she looked at him, her head shaking.
She wasn't sure she knew how to explain all of that without getting involved in how she had been feeling these past few months. And this wasn't about her- really. Not with the way Seamus was acting. There was something going on here that she couldn't grasp and the last thing she wanted to do was start spilling her own issues.
"No- he was just, frustrated, I guess-" she said lamely. "He's um- well look Seamus- I've been going through a lot of-"
She couldn't figure out how to say this and it was coming out disjointed and stammered.
She frowned.
"It's nothing. What he said was just stupid, alright? Just forget about it."
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Still, he couldn't help feeling frustrated over the whole thing, a part of him wanting to know so badly what was going on with her, to see how he could make it better - it was the exact same part that he was trying to drown out now by putting distance between them.
"Well, he's always being stupid but he seemed to really think I've been a shit friend to you-"
Seamus took a step backwards, pressing himself back against the counter of his kitchen now, fingers braced against the granite overhang. He didn't want to get too close to her, not when he was feeling like this, the memory of his black out (or lack of memory- just completely over taken by his rage, no ounce of logical thinking left) still too fresh.
There was a small part of him that was afraid of that, knowing it would only be so much worse at the full moon, his entire life becoming one moment after another of complete chaos and lack of control.
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But now, she realized, a lot had changed in such a short amount of time.
She felt as if she were intruding on his personal space now, everything she said or did eliciting a reaction from him that she didn't understand.
She swallowed roughly, the lump lodging itself in the back of her throat threatening to push her to tears again.
"It's been a hard couple of months-" she admitted, trying to somehow say this without falling into the same line of accusations as Zacharias did back at the beer garden. "And he's been really supportive-"
She picked at her fingers, her eyes focusing on her hands.
"But he doesn't realize that I've been the one to be so out of touch-" she paused, shrugging her shoulders. "He just didn't realize it was me-"
Reply
It was going to be better for them both to change directions, set some boundaries in their friendship - even if it meant taking some time off completely. He needed to stop falling into these patterns, undefined relationships messing with his head and keeping him from moving forward.
If he was going to make a choice it was going to be this one.
It was more than clear already who she had chosen.
"What, so my owls go unanswered and our movie nights are for nothing?" he asked her, an edge to his voice again but he just couldn't help it.
He would feel guilty later, knowing just how deeply she could sink into own patterns. But he wasn't that person that she had turned to and he wasn't going to apologize for having his own life, for not charging into the castle (where he hadn't stepped foot in since their seventh year), and trying to save the day over a few unanswered letters.
"He must have gotten the idea from somewhere that you 'can't talk to your friends'-"
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"He sees things differently than I do-" she said quietly.
Which was true. Zacharias, as much as he might try, wouldn't be able to see everything the way she did- the fear she felt in actually talking about what was wrong with her- if only because saying it aloud made it true.
And she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet.
It made her feel weak and pathetic and not at all the woman she had worked so hard to become, to seem like to everyone else. She was the one who fought in the Inter-House Tournament and almost won. She was the one who joined the Order and fought on the front lines. The one who had completely re-vamped the Potions program at Hogwarts.
But she was also the one who could hardly make it out of bed some mornings. The one who felt like crying all the time.
"I haven't talked to anyone, alright? He just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time," she admitted. Though, really, considering the state she had been in, no matter how embarrassed she still felt, it was really the right place at the right time.
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Seamus didn't want to say it, he didn't even want to think it, but should have him been him that Marlow had turned to when she got this way. Hell, it had been him for the last ten years at least.
And the one time he couldn't be there for her, for once needing somebody to be the one to reach out to him, he was the shit friend over it.
He was over it.
"But I guess you know how I feel then. You didn't want to talk to me and now I don't really want to talk to you. Guess we're even and all that-"
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"You're acting like a child-" she said, words coming out in a clipped, exasperated tone. "You haven't said one clear, bloody thing since I walked through that door except that you don't like my boyfriend- well guess what, Seamus? He's not going anywhere-"
She sucked in a breath, her head spinning as she finally caught his eye.
"But I guess I am," she said, more quietly now, though her tone was no less firm. "If you can't act like an adult for two minutes then what am I even doing here? I've been apologizing and apologizing trying to get you to stop being mad at me and for what? You're just being cruel-"
She raked her fingers through her hair, feeling frantic at how frustrating this all was.
"I've had one person decide they were done with me, I guess I can handle another-"
She wrapped her jacket more tightly around her body as she moved toward the door.
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It was even worse hearing Zachariah's insult falling from her mouth, realizing now that she had been upset with him this entire time for not being there for her. It was even worse that she wouldn't have said anything otherwise, the two of them having to get to this point for the truth to come out.
And it really fucking pissed him off.
Somehow this entire thing got twisted up and put on him, as if he wasn't dealing with any of his own issues.
"You know what, Marlow, that's probably a good idea-" he told her, his words slow and careful as he narrowed his eyes.
There was that blankness creeping in again, a fire building and he just needed her to get out.
"Maybe everything can stop revolving around all your problems now and I can get on with my own life."
There. He'd said it.
He couldn't take it back.
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It had done that when things got really bad, Marlow so easily convincing herself that she needed to stay in the castle- that no one needed to see her or hear from her. What good would she be to them anyway? She was a mess. A pathetic disaster. And she'd been terrified of admitting how she felt, how low she'd found herself getting. And it had been easy to fall into it with Lavender getting married and Dean meeting Sabrina and Seamus occupying himself with Orla. Everyone had so easily moved on without her and she was still trailing behind and picking up all the pieces.
But this wasn't a dream.
Because he was saying everything that had haunted her mind for months. The words were there, hanging in the room and she felt as if all the wind had been knocked from her.
"You do that, Seamus-" she said, voice hollow. "You're not going to have to worry about me and my problems anymore, I promise."
And with that, she was gone, pulling open the door and passing through the entrance without a passing glance.
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He already felt a little bit emptier, like a piece of him was missing but he didn't move, didn't go after her to beg forgiveness and sit her down to really explain what was going on.
There might not be any going back from this, his words too hard, but that was what he wanted.
Wasn't it?
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