Darken your clothes 3/3
Chapter One
Chapter Two
*****************
“Jens? Hey, Jensen, come on! Wake up. Jensen, please, come on”
Jared.
“Huh?”
“What the hell? You nearly fainted, man. What’s wrong with ya? Jens?”
Jensen blinked. They were alone in class, but obviously nobody’d noticed his freak-out. Good. But Jay had. Shit.
“Jensen? You’re kinda scaring me, dude.”
“Sorry. Uh… how long?”
“Not long. A minute? But you… man, you looked white’s a sheet! You need the nurse? You sick?”
“No…? No. No, I’m… ok. Not… you know. Not really great, but… uh… let’s just go home, ‘kay?”
He packed his bag and tried to ignore Jay’s worried gaze on his back. A second or two later, he heard Jared rummaging in his backpack as well.
Shit, he needed to think. Not here, not now. He… Izzy. He needed Izz.
-*-
Dogs were more than just fuzzy beings that ate a lot and farted. Dogs were… friends. Friends for life. They never judge and no matter how you look or smell, they love you.
Probably love you even more if you smell weird.
Izzy was a great dog. He’d been thin as a rake as he got him, mangy and scared of his own shadow. Jensen’s mom used to say that without her son, the dog’d be dead by now.
Maybe.
But without his mom and his sister, Izz sure wouldn’t be the dog he was today. Strong, smart and confident. And beautiful. God, Izzy was the most awesome-looking dog out there. His fur was shiny, his legs long and elegant. His head had the right size, the right proportions to make him look magnificent and proud. He had ears that were tipped over just at the end, like those of a Collie. He was dark chocolate-brown and white and had a darker, near-black mask on his face.
If it wasn’t for the crooked, short tail that’d been obviously intended to be longer than it was now, he’d be a dog for a magazine-cover.
Izz also never bitched when Jensen took him outside, even when it poured.
Like now.
He’d barely opened his door when Jensen’d grabbed the dog-leash, whistled sharply and yelled “Out with Izz” at his mom.
It hadn’t rained then, but it did now. The two of them trudged through the muddy forest, for once sticking to the paths and not veering into the trees, like they usually did.
Jensen didn’t need the leash for Izzy. He only took it along pro-forma, in case someone with a tiny poodle freaked and demanded he’d ‘keep back his huge beast’. Never really happened, dog-people knew each other and their dogs. And even if there were deer or rabbits out here, Izz wasn’t really interested in them. He usually started a short sprint when a critter fled from close by, but one sharp call or a loud whistle got him back without delay. Which was good, because a dog that really loved hunting would be hard to control out here, with all the foxes and the other stuff that crept through the neighborhood.
Squirrels, though were another matter. Izz lived for chasing squirrels on trees and stand in front of the trunks and look mournfully up, trying… what? Get it to come back down? Jensen had no clue.
Today, there were no animals deflecting Jensen’s thoughts, and in the shitty weather, there wouldn’t be many people out here.
Jens fumed. He was so angry, he… He wanted to kick something, hit something. It was Tuesday, long ‘till Friday, but already he was so stoked up and furious he felt like exploding.
”… Norma - uh, Mrs. Jenkins and poor, poor Lindman”
“Poor Lindman, my ass”, Jensen grit out. Izzy looked up from the pile of leaves he’d been sniffing intensely but turned back again when he realized his boss wasn't speaking to him.
”…honoring their devotion to our school, to the students of Hilldale. To acknowledge what they - over the years - have done for all of us.”
Honoring them? He’d rather eat a pile of dog-shit!
But… he couldn’t tell anyone why. Could he? Maybe he had to. It was one thing to give Jay an award he didn’t want - not even listening to his protests and ignoring the damn stupidity, the fucking wrongness of such an act.
But honoring these two. That …
No.
”Is that a new shampoo you’re using?”
No. Not thinking about it.
”I think you have great potential, Jensen. You could really … be someone. One day. If you put a little more… effort in. If you … committed more.”
No!
” Hmmm. This soap of yours smells good. What kind is it?”
“ Oh, you have a new shirt, don’t you? Haven’t seen it on you before.”
NO!
Jensen started to run.
-*-
Soaking wet, he got home about an hour later.
“Good god, Jensen! What the hell?” his mom exclaimed when she saw him and the growing puddle of water he was leaving in the doorway. “Get in, take off your clothes and into the shower. Now!” she interrupted his protest “Mack, come, dry the dog, will ya?”
Shivering a little, Jens went upstairs. He was actually pretty glad that he didn’t have to care about his wet pants, shirt, jacket and shoes. He felt pretty miserable.
The hot water from the shower revived him a little. It took some time to get his skin back to its intended temperature, but he felt pretty good afterwards. Huddled in a hoodie and sweatpants, his feet tugged into the self-knitted socks from his Grandma, he went down and slumped on the couch.
His mind was comfortably numb now. Having reached a decision felt like a huge weight had dropped from him.
He’d tell. Wasn’t anything else, really, he could do. He’d tell first his mom, then Jay. Then, they’d …do something. He wasn’t sure what but felt confident that it’d be out of his hands. For all his wanting to be a treated like an adult, there was a certain comfort in letting those with some more years on their back handle things.
“Jens, honey, you better now?” his mom brought a hot chocolate over and some cookies. “You want me to stay here tonight?”
Tonight? Stay? Oh, right. Mom had a date. With Phil McAllistair.
“Uh… no, it’s fine” he decided. It could wait one more day, after all. Mom and Phil had been going out for a few months now, and he was a good guy. Wasn’t fair on them to spoil another date, when his mother hadn’t felt she could let her son out of her sight for a whole night. She deserved some time for herself.
“You sure?”
“Yes, mom. Go. Have fun. I’ll be fine. I… Mack’n I’ll watch a movie, order some pizza.”
“Right. Just remember that it’s a school-day tomorrow. Don’t stay up too late. Ten, eleven the latest. Mack can stay up ‘till ten-thirty. No more, you get me?”
“Yeah, sure. Same goes for you, though! Don’t be later than eleven tomorrow, right?” he grinned.
“Oh, so you don’t want me to tell you all the wicked little details for breakfast?” She grinned at his horror-stricken face and mussed his damp hair. She got a little dewy-eyed a second later. “You know I love you, right? I love you and for all that I wish you wouldn’t hide yourself behind all that black, I want you to be happy. If you’re miserable, you’d tell me, right? If you think I leave the two of you alone too often -“
“Mom, no. Not you too!” he sighed, too sapped and mellow to get angry. “I’m not gonna blow up the school. I don’t take drugs -“ surely smoking weed now and then didn’t count, right? “- and I’m fine, or I would be if everyone would leave me the fuck alone and get off my back. I’m happy!” He looked at her, at her slightly worried eyes and knew she wouldn’t believe his declaration completely for some time. But she wasn’t actually scared, just worried. And, though annoying, that was kinda ok. “I’d be even more happy if you’d have a good night, y’know? Just… forget this crap for one night? Tomorrow… I’ll be still here tomorrow and you can worry all over me again, ok? Or maybe Mack’ll get pregnant and you can have someone else to worry.”
“Oh, don’t even go there! I hope that’s a long way off still.” She contemplated something for a while “You think she’d had sex yet?”
“Argh! Brain-bleach! Mom, please! Go, shoo! Get out! Ugh…now I’ll dream this stuff! Gah…”
Laughing, his mother stood, snatched a cookie and grabbed her coat and her keys. “Mack, I’m off” she yelled through the house “Be nice to your brother!”
“Have fun mom, use a condom!” came from upstairs and Mack’s impish face appeared from the landing. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t” she grinned and waved cheekily.
“I wonder where you get that attitude from, missy. I’ll have a talk with your teachers, I think”. Smiling, their mother left and through the open door they spotted Phil’s car in the driveway.
“She gone?” Mack asked. Jensen had a better view from the couch.
“Yupp” he said and as if that’d been a starting-gun gone off, both siblings jumped and scrambled over each other to get the phone.
“Nononono, you’ll call “Mario’s” again, their pizza sucks, Imp!”
“Not true, way better than “Calzone’s”, you moron! Leggo!”
“Make me, Muppet!”
“Agh, you ass! Wait till I tell mom!”
“Hello? Hello, I’d like to - Mack, stop it! - two pizzas, one with … MACK! ...”
-*-
“Jensen, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Jensen had decided to not wait any longer. This morning, with steeled resolve, he’d tried to tell his mom. Only to realize that there was no way he could do that without Mack listening. And really, this talk needed more than just a few minutes before or after breakfast. So he put it off ‘till afternoon. Or evening. Tomorrow?
“Sure” he answered distractedly, wearily watching Mrs. Washington cross the schoolyard.
“It’s… Look, are you alright?”
“Hmmm.”
“Jensen!” Jay shook him.
“What? Sorry, what’d’ya say?”
“That’s exactly what I mean! You gave me shit, weeks ago how I’m supposed to snap out if my maudlin, but you’re doin’ the same thing now! You’ve been… weird, lately.”
“Jay…”
“And don’t gimme anything about ‘it’s just stress’. I know what you do when you’re stressed. This is not it!”
Jensen sighed and looked at his friend. Jay was still a bit thinner than he’d been before, but he wasn’t as pale. The two of them were together a lot, more than was healthy, maybe, and he’d convinced Jared to try aikido. He was in the beginner’s class so they weren’t actually together in it, but Jensen was sure it’d do Jay good.
They’d spent whole afternoons and evenings in each other’s room and Jensen knew all about Jay’s issues, about his guilt and his sorrow over his lost friend. The one he’d overlooked in order to save the other one. He hadn’t needed to force Jay to say anything, he’d just talked when he felt like it.
And still Jared didn’t know about Jensen’s role in the drama.
How was that fair? How could he demand of his friend to come clean and talk about his wrong choices when he himself didn’t have the balls to even talk to his mom? When he didn’t even have the cojones to talk to Jay?
“ You’re right. I’ll… Can we… can we skip school?”
That was actually a hard question. Used to be simple, yes or no. But now, after all this shit that happened, they all felt the amount of worry they got from their parents like a thick blanket. It was meant to be comforting and in many ways was, but sometimes it felt like it suffocated them.
“Jens… I don’t…” Jay looked around, at the schoolyard. At the kids mingling and talking and laughing and doing shit teenagers did. The middle-schoolers were easily identified - they were sparkly and careless in a way the other kids weren’t.
Well, not all of them were.
Some’d had siblings over at the Highschool.
“Ok.”
That was all he had to say. Jensen asked and Jared gave, no question asked. True, it was the same vice-versa, but it still amazed Jensen how much his friend trusted him.
They simultaneously turned, looked left and right for a teacher’s sharp eye and left the school, striding away as if that was actually ok, as if they had every right to leave.
-*-
”Jensen. Wait a minute, all right?”
This was going to suck.
”Boy, are you fast. Not only in the water, right?”
The two boys trudged along, both not really caring where they went. If Jay was bothered that Jens hadn’t yet talked, he didn’t let on.
”No. Not like this. Look… come here, okay? I’ll show ya. Gimme your arm…yeah, like this. God, you’re stiff as a plank, relax, will ya.”
Sixteen.
Sixteen kids had died that day. Sixteen teenagers of varying ages and three members of the staff - the Coach, the Counselor and Mrs. Amhurst, who’d died of infection and shock hitting her system hard a week after the day.
Didn’t sound that much, right?
Sure had felt like more to Jensen. There’d been twenty kids injured directly through bullets, more or less severe. And then there were those that’d been kicked or’d wrenched ankles and wrists on their flight away from danger. Concussions from hitting the floor at a high speed, when the reasons why they weren’t allowed to run in the corridors’d come crashing into their minds. Literally. Abrasions a ton.
”Hey, Ackles! Wait, gotta tell ya something!”
And Bill Thompson, Jay’s uncle, said that the first officers who’d walked into the school were still on sick leave.
”I swear to god, boy, you’ve grown up, haven’t ya? More ways’n one, right-o?”
All messed up. After all, most o’them knew at least some of the kids. Bill’s partner, Something-something Murphy, that fat asshole, had actually wanted to arrest Jensen when he’d seen him. Fucker. Jay’d told him. There wasn’t much Jay didn’t tell him. Some things Bill told both of them right away, much to Mrs. P’s annoyance. She pretty much wanted to coddle Jay to death. Or, well, that’s what Jay said anyways.
”Jensen? You in here? Ah, there you are. Oh, sorry. You don’t mind me waiting here, do ya?”
“Jens? Where’re we going?”
”I really think you’ve got it in you, Jensen. You’ve got the build for it. The… body. Shoulders’ll develop more, but your… hips and those thighs… pretty much gold-material.”
Jensen looked up, taking in his surroundings. His feet had automatically taken a known path, and Jay had followed, a bit like a puppy. He wouldn’t tell him that, though.
But from where they were, Jensen knew where they had to go. There’d never been another place to have that conversation, really.
“Come on” he tucked Jay’s jacked, nodded in the direction they needed to go. Jared swallowed but nodded as well. Maybe he needed to be there as much as Jensen did.
-*-
Sixteen dead kids.
Nothing in the corridors indicated that this had been the building where sixteen kids had breathed their last breath, laughed their last laughs.
Sixteen. And Mark. For whatever dumb-ass reason, the media and people in general said “Sixteen teenagers and the perpetrator”, as if ridding Mark of his age’d make it better, somehow.
Make the dead kids more innocent, and Mark nothing but evil.
He wasn’t evil. He’d been desperate.
Stupid, sure, for just going on pretending, but then again, Jensen had no right to judge. He could judge Mark’s method of dealing, though, which was sick all the way through.
”You’re a dream, you know that? I’ve dreamt of you. More than once. What about you? Did you ever dream of me? Jensen?”
The boys strolled through the empty halls of their old school, taking their time. Sometimes, Jay’d stop, put a finger in one of the bullet-holes the construction-company hadn’t yet closed. Sometimes Jensen touched a wall where he remembered someone cowering that day.
They went to their old classrooms, not saying anything. Silently, they’d point things out to each other - the chairs stacked neatly on top of each other, the forgotten pen on the table. The doodle on the blackboard, still telling people that ‘Jodie does it with Peter’s dad’.
Poor Jodie. Jensen hoped it wasn’t true.
In the empty school, the footsteps left a weird, sad echo. Like many buildings that were developed for a certain purpose, it felt soulless, dead and lonely when it was robbed of who should be in there. The two boys weren’t enough to fill it with life and the plastic-sheets that had been draped across some doorways, where the crew’d already done some renovations, lent an eerie atmosphere. They hung like ghosts, occasionally fluttering in a draft.
“What’d’ya think this color is called? ‘Eggshell’, or ‘tooth-white’?” Jay spoke and broke the silence.
Jensen shrugged. “Dunno.”
“You’d think they’d pick something a bit more…lively, than this, right?”
Jensen shrugged again. He didn’t want to talk just yet, and after a deep sigh, Jay got the message. Quietly, they trudged along, closer to their goal with every step.
-*-
In the doorway of the cafeteria, they stopped. Neither of them could walk on, and yet they knew - or, well, Jensen knew - that this was the place for this conversation. It was only fitting.
“Jens… I don’t think…”
He looked over, took in his friend’s drawn, pained features. The hunched shoulders. This was the place where Jay’d been great. This was the place Jensen saw him in his minds eyes: scared shitless but shoulders squared, facing a man with a gun. Two guns.
This wasn’t a place Jay should be afraid of. He’d been amazing, brave. A hero, even if Jared disagreed.
Jensen knew he hadn’t been a slouch himself, knew he’d been kinda heroic himself, but not like that. Jay had shined! He’d been a dazzling presence and if his friend hadn’t inadvertently enabled this whole mess to happen, there would be every reason to give him something as a reward.
As it were, it was wrong.
Jensen stepped into the room. It was as empty as the rest of the school, only the service-area-furniture was still where it’d always been. Just as the empty classrooms and corridors, the cafeteria looked dead.
Fitting.
Sure steps brought him to one of the counters. After hopping up on one, he stared into the hollowed-out room. He knew Jared was still in the doorway, knew without looking that Jared’s gaze, like his own, was fixed on the dark smudges on the linoleum.
Maybe it was oil. Or rust.
Yeah. Right.
“You know, in a room full of teachers, Mark took out only one. In a school full of people, Mark looked for one person. I know it. You know it. Bill said as much. ‘Jared’, he said, ‘Jared, it’s a weird miracle that not more kids’d died.’” Jensen smirked “Miracle, right!” He didn’t look up but he heard Jared enter the room. The soles of his sneakers squeaked on the floor.
“What’re you saying?”
“I think… I think it’s partly my fault.”
-*-
”Jensen, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure, coach. Whatissit?”
Jensen liked Coach Johansson. He was awesome, really cool for a grown-up. He’d been a national champion - or at least could have been. He’d once been in the Olympic qualification-try-offs for breast-stroke and freestyle!
He also wasn’t old. Maybe … Jensen had no idea how old, but certainly not older than his mom. The coach was fit and trim, he looked like Jensen wanted to look, when he was older. Now, he was only fourteen and skinny, not muscular like the coach. He also knew that Benjamin Harris, who claimed to be a much fitter than anyone else in the team, didn’t have the muscles the coach had. They all could see that, because, duh, swimming?
The coach liked to show how to move right by himself, so he seldom wore a shirt. And those muscles, if Jens was honest, were awesome!
“I’ve been watching you. You’ve… improved a lot. How long are you with us now?”
“Uh… a year? ‘bouts?”
“Right. Our youngest, aren’t ya?”
“Dunno” Jensen fidgeted. He didn’t like being reminded that he was the one with the least experience in the team. The newest. He liked swimming, loved it. But the others were so much better! “Tommy’s my age? Right?”
“I think Tommy’s a bit older. I think he said he’ll be fifteen next week.”
“Oh.” Jensen waited, but apparently coach Johansson didn’t want anything else from him. He only smiled at Jensen and didn’t say anything more. “Uhm… if that’s all… I kinda…”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Johansson put his hand on his arm to hold him back, or as an apology. His palm was warm. “I’m standing here, staring… I wanted to tell you, I think you have a lot of potential.”
“I do?” Jensen squeaked. “Really?”
“Yes. Compared to the others, you’re plenty ahead. I mean, they are better for now, but they’ve been doing this far longer. So, compared to them… you’re more than good.” He smiled kindly at him and when Jensen’s eyes lit up in joy over the praise, his own lit up as well.
“Wow, that’s…. Wow. Thank you! Mr. Johansson. Sir.”
“My pleasure” the trainer smiled back, stroking his thumb lightly over Jensen’s arm. He swallowed and took his hand away. “See you next time, then. Have a good weekend”
“Will have! Thanks again!”
“I, uh… I never thought anything ‘bout it. Y’know? He was just saying something nice, that’s all. Well. That’s what I figured. I mean, it was a bit… strange. The touchy-feely-stuff. But he’d been like this with everyone, so I didn’t really think anything about it. Didn’t mind much.”
Jay remained silent. He’d sat next to Jens, same position, back against the wall, knees drawn up. Their shoulders touched, but they didn’t look at each other. Jensen wasn’t sure if he could talk if he’d have to look at his friend.
“But… it got more awkward. He… he started to keep close to me. Always using some … some praise or something else. Like telling me stuff I already knew, that he’d already told to the team. I first thought-“ he laughed self-depreciatingly “- that he thought I was a bit stupid.”
”Jensen, wait a minute.”
Jens was a bit annoyed about the delay. Not only did he really need to catch the bus, but he also didn’t really want another explanation about his swim-style. He’d understood it fine the first time!
“What?”
“Hey, why so sullen, huh? I won’t keep you long. In fact, go on shower, I’ll just talk to you through the curtain.”
“Uh…”
“Go on, it’s faster that way. You want to get on the bus, right?”
“Yeah…”
“So shoo.”
“Man… that was really awkward. You know? He kept talking, and I have no fucking clue what he actually said. I mean… I think he didn’t know either. He just babbled along and I tried to get the quickest shower possible. I nearly freaked when… he was really close to the curtain, you know, the one that separates the showers from the pool-area? He said - tried to make it a joke - he asked if I washed behind my ears. Only, there was this… this pause, before ‘ears’.” Jensen shuddered. He was sure Jay’d noticed, because his friend leaned closer against him after. “And the second I had my towel wrapped around me, he was there. Just...right there! I didn’t even tell him I was finished! I tried to tell myself I’m imagining things. I mean, this shit doesn’t happen, right? Never to yourself, does it?”
Jared nodded. Jens felt it through his shoulder.
“And, uh. He … he kept telling me nice things. But really weird, creepy stuff. Like how nice my shampoo smelled. Dude, that was so freaky! Who tells a guy that his shampoo smells good! And… he … he sniffed me. Smelled my hair.” He shivered again. This stuff was making him go places he’d sworn never to visit again. Which he’d thought long past and forgotten.
Jay pulled in a deep breath, let it out slowly. Then he spoke, for the first time in what felt like hours. “Did he… you know. Do stuff?”
“No. I mean, he… touched. But not… below the belt, or anything. Just kinda…caressing me. Arms, and, uh… once he… he stroked my cheek. Said there was a … smudge, or some bullshit.”
Jensen sat on the steps, after school. He was waiting for his mom, who was late. But she’d said she’d be late, so that was fine. Jens’d started to draw, a tree on the other side of the road when he heard someone approach.
“Hi Jensen.” Lisa Toralini, from Jensen’s arts-class passed by.”You’re drawing? Can I see?” She sat next to him and Jensen gave her the spiral-block with the tree. He turned away, because she was stunningly pretty and smelled like vanilla.
“Oh, wow. That’s really good! I can even see which tree it is from the leaves - a maple, right?”
“Uh... actually, it’s a sycamore. Look, the leaves are more triangular, and the trunk is totally different.”
“Oh? Oh. Ok, well."
He blushed when he noticed she wasn’t really interested in the tree, had only wanted to be nice. She smiled at him, gave the book back and waved goodbye. Awesome. Way to go, geek!
Jensen didn’t even have time to freak out though, cause right then Coach Johansson slinked by.
“Hey, Jensen. Wasn’t that Lisa Toralini? Cute kid, right? You fancy her? Or, wait, what do you say now? You dig her’?” he actually snickered.
Jensen tried to inconspicuously move away, but the coach just sat down close - nearly touching. There wasn’t anywhere Jens could go without obviously fleeing, and he wasn’t prepared for that, yet. But he prayed his mom would hurry up.
“Hum” he tried to be distracted, but the warmth of the man next to him made him aware without chance to not notice.
“She’s really pretty. Huh?” Johansson nudged him. “Bet you dream of her, huh?”
Really? How creepy was that? A teacher trying to be ‘one of the kids’ with him, and talking about the cuteness of a sixteen-year-old girl? What a freak!
”You’re a dream, too, you know that? The way you look... I’ve actually dreamed of you. More than once. What about you? Did you ever dream of me? Jensen?”
Jensen had tried to move away again. He'd just prepared to rise and leave when...
“Oh, hey. Wait, hold still. You got…” he touched him. He touched his face! His thumb was stroking right underneath Jensen’s eye-socket and it was pretty obvious that he didn’t do anything but caress him. And then he licked his finger and did it again!
“Uh, Sir, I think that’s my mom there. Sorry. Need to… uh…” he disentangled himself from the trainer and stood, went over to the car that’d just pulled into the parking lot. It wasn’t his mom, not even close, but Jensen was glad for any distraction, any reason to be able to get away. When he looked to the steps again, the coach’d left. He spotted him getting into his car.
When Jensen’s mother really came, about twenty minutes later, Jensen got in without a word. Only when he opened his spiral-block the next day did he see that the tree from the day before was now being torched by a huge, fierce dragon with wings the size of a house.
“It… I tried to dodge him as well as I could, and I managed pretty ok. At least, I thought. He, uh… he still told me that I looked good, smelled good or took notice of my shirts. Or, even creepier, my jeans. And… and he uh… he made comments, how I looked … man, freaking wholesome!”
That’d been really scary for Jens. ‘Wholesome’ sounded like something you’d eat, not a kid.
“Did Mark notice? S’that why he… you know?” Jay asked.
“Nah. Mark wasn’t in the team then. He… he came just before I left.” Jensen swallowed hard. That’d been maybe his shittiest move. He hadn’t known, but…
“What made you leave? I mean - I think I’d have left right away, so why wait so long?”
Jens sighed, scratched his hair. “Really? I thought I was seeing things. All the others loved him, thought he was so cool and awesome, and I never got a weird vibe when he was with other kids. I thought it was me, y’know? That I’d been watching too much Law and Order and was imagining that stuff. I mean, he never did anything, really. And man, I loved swimming.”
He didn’t anymore, not really. Jensen still liked to swim, but only for fun, in a lake or the ocean. He couldn’t stand the chlorine-tang anymore.
“So, what convinced you?”
“It got more… obvious. He started demonstrating moves hands-on.”
Johansson’d jumped into the pool, some days, had swam up behind Jensen and helpfully showed the team how it should look when you were doing butterfly-swimming. Jens’d loathed it. And the bulge at his backside'd been a sure giveaway.
“And he kept me behind after training even more often, told me unnecessary stuff, always, you know, close. I was getting scared to be alone with him. And… uh. Then…”
”Jensen, really. You should be better by now. I know you have potential, but you should really work harder. You could be a world-class swimmer one day, but not if you’re only half-assed about it. I spoke with your mother, the other day -” Jensen paled “- and she said it’d be ok if you trained more. Your extracurricular activities aren’t that many, so you’d have time enough. We could work much more effectively when you’re not that distracted. So, I thought we could do some private training, you and me.”
He’d paled even further, taken two steps away from the coach. Felt the bile rise in his throat. That Johansson’d talked to his mom was unforgivable, but the mere idea of spending time with this guy…
“Uh… I’ll think of it. I…I need to go. It’s… it’s time. Need to go. Sorry!” and he’d bolted from the room, colliding with somebody in the hall.
“I told my mom that I wanted out. She… the coach hadn’t talked to her, you know? He’d lied, must’ve gotten the schedule from the school-secretary.”
Jay was silent once more. He just let out a deep breath and stared at his hand on his knees.
“Jay?”
“He’d been grooming you”
Jensen frowned in thought. “Uh… no. He never did. I didn’t even have a comb with me…”
Startled, Jared looked over and laughed a bit. “Dude! ‘Grooming’ is when a pedo insinuates himself with his… victim. Makes him or her think he’s special, and that it’s normal what he does.”
“Oh” Jens felt stupid “How do you know that?”
Jay snickered “Saw it on Law and Order”
Both kids chuckled a moment, letting out tension in spades. It felt good to laugh, especially here, in this building. In this room.
“Hey. Is that the reason?”
“Reason?”
“Yeah, for all the black stuff, the chains and all? The hair?”
“What? No!”
No! He wore his clothes because he liked them. Because they made him look dangerous, bad-ass and … huh. He glanced at Jared, who was watching his reactions like a hawk. “Maybe a bit?”
“A bit.”
“A tiny bit?”
“Man, you’re really telling me you wear this patchi-stuff because you like the smell?”
Jensen smirked a little. “Put like that…” He’d never consciously thought about it. And… it wasn’t really all there was to it.
He liked his black clothes, liked not only the image of prickly reserve it created but also… he liked how he looked. Maybe... maybe it was defense. He’d certainly chosen aikido for that reason. But not just that. Right? He liked the music he listened to; he liked his friends from gaming. He liked to wear spikes and chains and leather, but it was as much to be seen as it was to be … well, to be less pretty. ‘Pretty’ wasn’t an attribute he wanted for himself.
Oh, he knew he looked good. He liked that he looked good. But… well. He also liked to surprise people by showing them something and being absolutely different inside. He loved taking prejudices apart. He kinda thrived on the attention he got from looking like that, but he also liked the anonymity it created. He was the black guy, the goth. He wasn’t Jensen with all that encompassed, he was an image. A type. People could project their own ideas about him on his darkened clothes and never know the one inside.
It was a comfortable cloak, one that made him be seen while at the same time hid him well.
Now that Jay opened that box of possibility, he couldn’t close it anymore, and Jens couldn’t honestly deny that there might be something more behind his preferences for dark.
Then again, he could’ve just as easily hidden himself behind his skater-wear, behind screaming-pink hair and baggy jeans. Or stop washing, look and smell greasy. But he’d chosen his goth looks over every other attire, so there must’ve been more involved than just trying to escape his swim-coach.
He was still thinking about that when Jay spoke again. “There’s one thing I don’t get.”
“Yeah?” Jens looked at Jared. This time, his friend had his gaze fixed on the point where Mark had been killed.
“How does this make anything your fault?”
Jensen took a deep breath. And another. One more.
“Well… I never told anyone.” Jay’s eyes snapped to him for a second, then back to the rust-colored spot on the floor. “And… and I think… I’m pretty sure from what Mark said that day, that when I wasn’t…" pretty “available anymore, Johansson fixated on Mark. And… I guess Mark didn’t … didn’t take it so well.”
“Hmm. You never told anyone? Not even your mom?”
“Are you kidding me? My mom would’ve killed him! And I toldya, I wasn’t…”
“You weren’t sure. I get that. More than you believe” Jay’s eyes were sad and Jensen thought that he was probably right. Jared had a lot of experience in not being sure and carried his own weight for that.
“I… I know it sounds silly, and maybe a bit… arrogant. But I thought… I thought that he was only interested in me. Not… not boys in general. I thought he’d just…”
The coach had said that Jensen was special, and in a weird sort of way, it’d made him feel … good. And he hadn’t honestly believed that Johansson would find someone else ‘special’ that fast, or at all.
‘Grooming’ indeed. If he hadn’t been weary and repelled by the man, if he’d been a bit more gullible, a bit less attentive… If he didn’t have a sister who was pretty and perky and kinda his responsibility when his mom wasn’t home, it might have been way worse.
“So, you figure it’s your fault because you didn’t tell anyone and Johansson was still at school? And that, what? That Mark was forced to take a gun to school and shoot people who had nothing to do with it, who were just… in the way, or bubbleheads and freaking teenagers, like Sally?”
“No. Yes… No. Not entirely. I… I know, like, in here-“ Jensen knocked at his head “that it was Mark’s choice to start shooting. I know that” He sighed “But it feels …”
“I know. Believe me, I know. If I’d’ve listened to him, if I'd’ve … I dunno, been more concerned. But he was just a pal, never… never more. He wasn’t like Kevin, or Mel. Or you. I didn’t know enough about him. Hell, who should I’ve told that he drank too much, huh? Or that his parents weren’t home a lot. That wasn’t my place!”
“Yeah. Which is why there is no way in Hell they should be allowed to hand Jenkins a freakin’ award!” Jens hissed. “You remember?” Jay nodded “He must’ve told her. Maybe not all, but enough. Fuck, Jay! They wanna give medals or something to those people! To a fucking pedophile swim-coach and a school-counselor who didn’t do her job! That’s …” Jensen was breathing hard.
He’d jumped off the table and started pacing in the middle of his rant, and now he stood in front of Jared, silently pleading with him to make it right.
“That’s wrong.”
“Yeah.”
Right. Jared was in the same boat. In an even worse situation, because if Jens told others about what he knew, he’d maybe get pitied and probably some more counseling. But Jay… Jay had known something was gonna happen, and he hadn’t told anyone. Wasn’t that a crime of sorts?
“We can’t let them do it, can we? Give out those fucked-up prizes and keep quiet?”
“I don’t think we can, Jay. Wish we could.”
“Nah. S’ what I figured.” Jay ran his hand through his hair. “So, what now?”
-*-
What now indeed. They sat in the old school for some time, until the Now had nearly erased the Then. They would’ve stayed longer, but Jared’s cell-phone alarm told them that school was out now and they needed to get home or their parents would worry.
Trudging back to Middle-School, where Jay’s car stood, they kicked some ideas around. The one Jared preferred, going to the ceremony and just telling the whole town about what happened was pretty cool, but the thought of telling a hall full of strangers that the swim-coach had tried to get into Jensen’s pants wasn’t high on Jensen’s list of fun-things to do. Jay had kindly seen reason, especially when Jay realized that it would be insanely cruel to the relatives of the coach and Mrs. Jenkins as well as Mark’s family. They might’ve neglected their boy, but they didn’t deserve to learn about their kid’s misery from the press or cruel neighbors.
But they had to do something. The fact that nobody even thought about researching a reason for Mark’s blow-out couldn’t be tolerated, not when Jensen and Jay had the clues necessary.
“Bill?”
“I guess that’s our best bet. He’ll listen. He likes you, Jensen, for whatever reason”
Jensen shoved Jared playfully, relieved to finally see some of the snark back in his friend. Been too long that he’d seen him smile and grin, too long since they both had laughed. Really laughed, the loud, relieved, tension-snapping kind. Maybe it was time to take Jay on a LARP now. There was tons of fun to have, you get exercise in heaps and best of all, nobody there knew them and nobody treated them any different than anyone else.
He just had to get Mrs. P to agree, but he was sure his mom would come up with something.
“All right. So, uh… do we tell him first, or do ya wanna tell your parents first?”
“Shhhhheeeee… I think… I think I’ll tell all of ‘em together. That way, they won’t be able to murder me for stupidity, with a police-officer present.” Jay scratched his arm “I… uh, I’d like to do it together, with you? So… Like all in one go? Bill could… Dunno, so he has both statements right away?”
“Ok.” Jay looked surprised by his easy acquiescence, but truth was that Jensen was relieved. He couldn’t even begin to think about doing this stuff alone. “I... I just need to tell my mom first. Maybe she wants to be there too." Maybe, right. There would be no way to keep Donna Ackles away from that talk, Jensen was sure.
“Ok. So… how about I call Bill and we set something up? Tonight, if possible?”
“Tonight?” Jensen squeaked. “So soon?”
“Uh… better not push it off longer than necessary. You know? I kinda… I need to get rid of this shit.”
“Uh… What’ll happen to you?”
“Huh?”
“I mean… Isn’t it a crime, or something? To withhold information like that?”
“Yeah. Guess so. Dunno.” Jay looked away. “Can’t really do anything ‘bout it, can I?”
-*-
They got back right on time to pick up Mack and Megan. Both girls looked suspiciously at them and Mack glared at her brother the whole drive.
Back home, she asked him acidly if he’d had fun and he just glared back, turned his back and switched on the TV.
Jay called at four to tell him that all was set for seven-thirty that night and that he hadn’t been able to keep his secret from his parents after all. They had been, well, a bit pissed, Jared said, but he was still alive and they’d get over it. The weight on Jensen’s chest that had been lifted after the talk with his friend and which had started to grow again on their way back was on his heart full force now. Heavier then before. Anxiously switching channels every second, he waited for his mother.
“Man, you suck ass! If you can’t keep one show on, I’m gonna watch in your room!” Mack declared. Jensen only waved her off.
-*-
Five o’clock, as usual, Donna Ackles pulled into the driveway of her home. She grabbed her bag and opened the door, mentally inventorying their ice-box for dinner today. There were some frozen pizza, she was sure. She’d need to stock up again.
When she opened the door, she nearly had a heart-attack. Her son was standing in the doorway to the living room, pale and clearly nervous. He was chewing on his thumbnail, and he only did that when he was strung like a wire.
“Jensen! What happened?” her bag hit the floor. “Did something happen in school? Is Mack ok? Jens?”
“No… nothing happened. Not… I just…” he stuttered.
Donna saw him pull himself together after that and start again.
“Mom, I need to tell you something.”
~end~
******
a/n: That's it, folks. Hope you had some fun here. I wouldn't be terribly upset if you drop me a line if you did, and also don't hesitate to point me towards mistakes I made - I'm not a native speaker, and sometimes words get mixed up - like "thumbs" and "thumps", which is highly embarrassing but so easy to fix ;-)
Chapter Two
*****************
“Jens? Hey, Jensen, come on! Wake up. Jensen, please, come on”
Jared.
“Huh?”
“What the hell? You nearly fainted, man. What’s wrong with ya? Jens?”
Jensen blinked. They were alone in class, but obviously nobody’d noticed his freak-out. Good. But Jay had. Shit.
“Jensen? You’re kinda scaring me, dude.”
“Sorry. Uh… how long?”
“Not long. A minute? But you… man, you looked white’s a sheet! You need the nurse? You sick?”
“No…? No. No, I’m… ok. Not… you know. Not really great, but… uh… let’s just go home, ‘kay?”
He packed his bag and tried to ignore Jay’s worried gaze on his back. A second or two later, he heard Jared rummaging in his backpack as well.
Shit, he needed to think. Not here, not now. He… Izzy. He needed Izz.
-*-
Dogs were more than just fuzzy beings that ate a lot and farted. Dogs were… friends. Friends for life. They never judge and no matter how you look or smell, they love you.
Probably love you even more if you smell weird.
Izzy was a great dog. He’d been thin as a rake as he got him, mangy and scared of his own shadow. Jensen’s mom used to say that without her son, the dog’d be dead by now.
Maybe.
But without his mom and his sister, Izz sure wouldn’t be the dog he was today. Strong, smart and confident. And beautiful. God, Izzy was the most awesome-looking dog out there. His fur was shiny, his legs long and elegant. His head had the right size, the right proportions to make him look magnificent and proud. He had ears that were tipped over just at the end, like those of a Collie. He was dark chocolate-brown and white and had a darker, near-black mask on his face.
If it wasn’t for the crooked, short tail that’d been obviously intended to be longer than it was now, he’d be a dog for a magazine-cover.
Izz also never bitched when Jensen took him outside, even when it poured.
Like now.
He’d barely opened his door when Jensen’d grabbed the dog-leash, whistled sharply and yelled “Out with Izz” at his mom.
It hadn’t rained then, but it did now. The two of them trudged through the muddy forest, for once sticking to the paths and not veering into the trees, like they usually did.
Jensen didn’t need the leash for Izzy. He only took it along pro-forma, in case someone with a tiny poodle freaked and demanded he’d ‘keep back his huge beast’. Never really happened, dog-people knew each other and their dogs. And even if there were deer or rabbits out here, Izz wasn’t really interested in them. He usually started a short sprint when a critter fled from close by, but one sharp call or a loud whistle got him back without delay. Which was good, because a dog that really loved hunting would be hard to control out here, with all the foxes and the other stuff that crept through the neighborhood.
Squirrels, though were another matter. Izz lived for chasing squirrels on trees and stand in front of the trunks and look mournfully up, trying… what? Get it to come back down? Jensen had no clue.
Today, there were no animals deflecting Jensen’s thoughts, and in the shitty weather, there wouldn’t be many people out here.
Jens fumed. He was so angry, he… He wanted to kick something, hit something. It was Tuesday, long ‘till Friday, but already he was so stoked up and furious he felt like exploding.
”… Norma - uh, Mrs. Jenkins and poor, poor Lindman”
“Poor Lindman, my ass”, Jensen grit out. Izzy looked up from the pile of leaves he’d been sniffing intensely but turned back again when he realized his boss wasn't speaking to him.
”…honoring their devotion to our school, to the students of Hilldale. To acknowledge what they - over the years - have done for all of us.”
Honoring them? He’d rather eat a pile of dog-shit!
But… he couldn’t tell anyone why. Could he? Maybe he had to. It was one thing to give Jay an award he didn’t want - not even listening to his protests and ignoring the damn stupidity, the fucking wrongness of such an act.
But honoring these two. That …
No.
”Is that a new shampoo you’re using?”
No. Not thinking about it.
”I think you have great potential, Jensen. You could really … be someone. One day. If you put a little more… effort in. If you … committed more.”
No!
” Hmmm. This soap of yours smells good. What kind is it?”
“ Oh, you have a new shirt, don’t you? Haven’t seen it on you before.”
NO!
Jensen started to run.
-*-
Soaking wet, he got home about an hour later.
“Good god, Jensen! What the hell?” his mom exclaimed when she saw him and the growing puddle of water he was leaving in the doorway. “Get in, take off your clothes and into the shower. Now!” she interrupted his protest “Mack, come, dry the dog, will ya?”
Shivering a little, Jens went upstairs. He was actually pretty glad that he didn’t have to care about his wet pants, shirt, jacket and shoes. He felt pretty miserable.
The hot water from the shower revived him a little. It took some time to get his skin back to its intended temperature, but he felt pretty good afterwards. Huddled in a hoodie and sweatpants, his feet tugged into the self-knitted socks from his Grandma, he went down and slumped on the couch.
His mind was comfortably numb now. Having reached a decision felt like a huge weight had dropped from him.
He’d tell. Wasn’t anything else, really, he could do. He’d tell first his mom, then Jay. Then, they’d …do something. He wasn’t sure what but felt confident that it’d be out of his hands. For all his wanting to be a treated like an adult, there was a certain comfort in letting those with some more years on their back handle things.
“Jens, honey, you better now?” his mom brought a hot chocolate over and some cookies. “You want me to stay here tonight?”
Tonight? Stay? Oh, right. Mom had a date. With Phil McAllistair.
“Uh… no, it’s fine” he decided. It could wait one more day, after all. Mom and Phil had been going out for a few months now, and he was a good guy. Wasn’t fair on them to spoil another date, when his mother hadn’t felt she could let her son out of her sight for a whole night. She deserved some time for herself.
“You sure?”
“Yes, mom. Go. Have fun. I’ll be fine. I… Mack’n I’ll watch a movie, order some pizza.”
“Right. Just remember that it’s a school-day tomorrow. Don’t stay up too late. Ten, eleven the latest. Mack can stay up ‘till ten-thirty. No more, you get me?”
“Yeah, sure. Same goes for you, though! Don’t be later than eleven tomorrow, right?” he grinned.
“Oh, so you don’t want me to tell you all the wicked little details for breakfast?” She grinned at his horror-stricken face and mussed his damp hair. She got a little dewy-eyed a second later. “You know I love you, right? I love you and for all that I wish you wouldn’t hide yourself behind all that black, I want you to be happy. If you’re miserable, you’d tell me, right? If you think I leave the two of you alone too often -“
“Mom, no. Not you too!” he sighed, too sapped and mellow to get angry. “I’m not gonna blow up the school. I don’t take drugs -“ surely smoking weed now and then didn’t count, right? “- and I’m fine, or I would be if everyone would leave me the fuck alone and get off my back. I’m happy!” He looked at her, at her slightly worried eyes and knew she wouldn’t believe his declaration completely for some time. But she wasn’t actually scared, just worried. And, though annoying, that was kinda ok. “I’d be even more happy if you’d have a good night, y’know? Just… forget this crap for one night? Tomorrow… I’ll be still here tomorrow and you can worry all over me again, ok? Or maybe Mack’ll get pregnant and you can have someone else to worry.”
“Oh, don’t even go there! I hope that’s a long way off still.” She contemplated something for a while “You think she’d had sex yet?”
“Argh! Brain-bleach! Mom, please! Go, shoo! Get out! Ugh…now I’ll dream this stuff! Gah…”
Laughing, his mother stood, snatched a cookie and grabbed her coat and her keys. “Mack, I’m off” she yelled through the house “Be nice to your brother!”
“Have fun mom, use a condom!” came from upstairs and Mack’s impish face appeared from the landing. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t” she grinned and waved cheekily.
“I wonder where you get that attitude from, missy. I’ll have a talk with your teachers, I think”. Smiling, their mother left and through the open door they spotted Phil’s car in the driveway.
“She gone?” Mack asked. Jensen had a better view from the couch.
“Yupp” he said and as if that’d been a starting-gun gone off, both siblings jumped and scrambled over each other to get the phone.
“Nononono, you’ll call “Mario’s” again, their pizza sucks, Imp!”
“Not true, way better than “Calzone’s”, you moron! Leggo!”
“Make me, Muppet!”
“Agh, you ass! Wait till I tell mom!”
“Hello? Hello, I’d like to - Mack, stop it! - two pizzas, one with … MACK! ...”
-*-
“Jensen, can I talk to you for a minute?”
Jensen had decided to not wait any longer. This morning, with steeled resolve, he’d tried to tell his mom. Only to realize that there was no way he could do that without Mack listening. And really, this talk needed more than just a few minutes before or after breakfast. So he put it off ‘till afternoon. Or evening. Tomorrow?
“Sure” he answered distractedly, wearily watching Mrs. Washington cross the schoolyard.
“It’s… Look, are you alright?”
“Hmmm.”
“Jensen!” Jay shook him.
“What? Sorry, what’d’ya say?”
“That’s exactly what I mean! You gave me shit, weeks ago how I’m supposed to snap out if my maudlin, but you’re doin’ the same thing now! You’ve been… weird, lately.”
“Jay…”
“And don’t gimme anything about ‘it’s just stress’. I know what you do when you’re stressed. This is not it!”
Jensen sighed and looked at his friend. Jay was still a bit thinner than he’d been before, but he wasn’t as pale. The two of them were together a lot, more than was healthy, maybe, and he’d convinced Jared to try aikido. He was in the beginner’s class so they weren’t actually together in it, but Jensen was sure it’d do Jay good.
They’d spent whole afternoons and evenings in each other’s room and Jensen knew all about Jay’s issues, about his guilt and his sorrow over his lost friend. The one he’d overlooked in order to save the other one. He hadn’t needed to force Jay to say anything, he’d just talked when he felt like it.
And still Jared didn’t know about Jensen’s role in the drama.
How was that fair? How could he demand of his friend to come clean and talk about his wrong choices when he himself didn’t have the balls to even talk to his mom? When he didn’t even have the cojones to talk to Jay?
“ You’re right. I’ll… Can we… can we skip school?”
That was actually a hard question. Used to be simple, yes or no. But now, after all this shit that happened, they all felt the amount of worry they got from their parents like a thick blanket. It was meant to be comforting and in many ways was, but sometimes it felt like it suffocated them.
“Jens… I don’t…” Jay looked around, at the schoolyard. At the kids mingling and talking and laughing and doing shit teenagers did. The middle-schoolers were easily identified - they were sparkly and careless in a way the other kids weren’t.
Well, not all of them were.
Some’d had siblings over at the Highschool.
“Ok.”
That was all he had to say. Jensen asked and Jared gave, no question asked. True, it was the same vice-versa, but it still amazed Jensen how much his friend trusted him.
They simultaneously turned, looked left and right for a teacher’s sharp eye and left the school, striding away as if that was actually ok, as if they had every right to leave.
-*-
”Jensen. Wait a minute, all right?”
This was going to suck.
”Boy, are you fast. Not only in the water, right?”
The two boys trudged along, both not really caring where they went. If Jay was bothered that Jens hadn’t yet talked, he didn’t let on.
”No. Not like this. Look… come here, okay? I’ll show ya. Gimme your arm…yeah, like this. God, you’re stiff as a plank, relax, will ya.”
Sixteen.
Sixteen kids had died that day. Sixteen teenagers of varying ages and three members of the staff - the Coach, the Counselor and Mrs. Amhurst, who’d died of infection and shock hitting her system hard a week after the day.
Didn’t sound that much, right?
Sure had felt like more to Jensen. There’d been twenty kids injured directly through bullets, more or less severe. And then there were those that’d been kicked or’d wrenched ankles and wrists on their flight away from danger. Concussions from hitting the floor at a high speed, when the reasons why they weren’t allowed to run in the corridors’d come crashing into their minds. Literally. Abrasions a ton.
”Hey, Ackles! Wait, gotta tell ya something!”
And Bill Thompson, Jay’s uncle, said that the first officers who’d walked into the school were still on sick leave.
”I swear to god, boy, you’ve grown up, haven’t ya? More ways’n one, right-o?”
All messed up. After all, most o’them knew at least some of the kids. Bill’s partner, Something-something Murphy, that fat asshole, had actually wanted to arrest Jensen when he’d seen him. Fucker. Jay’d told him. There wasn’t much Jay didn’t tell him. Some things Bill told both of them right away, much to Mrs. P’s annoyance. She pretty much wanted to coddle Jay to death. Or, well, that’s what Jay said anyways.
”Jensen? You in here? Ah, there you are. Oh, sorry. You don’t mind me waiting here, do ya?”
“Jens? Where’re we going?”
”I really think you’ve got it in you, Jensen. You’ve got the build for it. The… body. Shoulders’ll develop more, but your… hips and those thighs… pretty much gold-material.”
Jensen looked up, taking in his surroundings. His feet had automatically taken a known path, and Jay had followed, a bit like a puppy. He wouldn’t tell him that, though.
But from where they were, Jensen knew where they had to go. There’d never been another place to have that conversation, really.
“Come on” he tucked Jay’s jacked, nodded in the direction they needed to go. Jared swallowed but nodded as well. Maybe he needed to be there as much as Jensen did.
-*-
Sixteen dead kids.
Nothing in the corridors indicated that this had been the building where sixteen kids had breathed their last breath, laughed their last laughs.
Sixteen. And Mark. For whatever dumb-ass reason, the media and people in general said “Sixteen teenagers and the perpetrator”, as if ridding Mark of his age’d make it better, somehow.
Make the dead kids more innocent, and Mark nothing but evil.
He wasn’t evil. He’d been desperate.
Stupid, sure, for just going on pretending, but then again, Jensen had no right to judge. He could judge Mark’s method of dealing, though, which was sick all the way through.
”You’re a dream, you know that? I’ve dreamt of you. More than once. What about you? Did you ever dream of me? Jensen?”
The boys strolled through the empty halls of their old school, taking their time. Sometimes, Jay’d stop, put a finger in one of the bullet-holes the construction-company hadn’t yet closed. Sometimes Jensen touched a wall where he remembered someone cowering that day.
They went to their old classrooms, not saying anything. Silently, they’d point things out to each other - the chairs stacked neatly on top of each other, the forgotten pen on the table. The doodle on the blackboard, still telling people that ‘Jodie does it with Peter’s dad’.
Poor Jodie. Jensen hoped it wasn’t true.
In the empty school, the footsteps left a weird, sad echo. Like many buildings that were developed for a certain purpose, it felt soulless, dead and lonely when it was robbed of who should be in there. The two boys weren’t enough to fill it with life and the plastic-sheets that had been draped across some doorways, where the crew’d already done some renovations, lent an eerie atmosphere. They hung like ghosts, occasionally fluttering in a draft.
“What’d’ya think this color is called? ‘Eggshell’, or ‘tooth-white’?” Jay spoke and broke the silence.
Jensen shrugged. “Dunno.”
“You’d think they’d pick something a bit more…lively, than this, right?”
Jensen shrugged again. He didn’t want to talk just yet, and after a deep sigh, Jay got the message. Quietly, they trudged along, closer to their goal with every step.
-*-
In the doorway of the cafeteria, they stopped. Neither of them could walk on, and yet they knew - or, well, Jensen knew - that this was the place for this conversation. It was only fitting.
“Jens… I don’t think…”
He looked over, took in his friend’s drawn, pained features. The hunched shoulders. This was the place where Jay’d been great. This was the place Jensen saw him in his minds eyes: scared shitless but shoulders squared, facing a man with a gun. Two guns.
This wasn’t a place Jay should be afraid of. He’d been amazing, brave. A hero, even if Jared disagreed.
Jensen knew he hadn’t been a slouch himself, knew he’d been kinda heroic himself, but not like that. Jay had shined! He’d been a dazzling presence and if his friend hadn’t inadvertently enabled this whole mess to happen, there would be every reason to give him something as a reward.
As it were, it was wrong.
Jensen stepped into the room. It was as empty as the rest of the school, only the service-area-furniture was still where it’d always been. Just as the empty classrooms and corridors, the cafeteria looked dead.
Fitting.
Sure steps brought him to one of the counters. After hopping up on one, he stared into the hollowed-out room. He knew Jared was still in the doorway, knew without looking that Jared’s gaze, like his own, was fixed on the dark smudges on the linoleum.
Maybe it was oil. Or rust.
Yeah. Right.
“You know, in a room full of teachers, Mark took out only one. In a school full of people, Mark looked for one person. I know it. You know it. Bill said as much. ‘Jared’, he said, ‘Jared, it’s a weird miracle that not more kids’d died.’” Jensen smirked “Miracle, right!” He didn’t look up but he heard Jared enter the room. The soles of his sneakers squeaked on the floor.
“What’re you saying?”
“I think… I think it’s partly my fault.”
-*-
”Jensen, can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure, coach. Whatissit?”
Jensen liked Coach Johansson. He was awesome, really cool for a grown-up. He’d been a national champion - or at least could have been. He’d once been in the Olympic qualification-try-offs for breast-stroke and freestyle!
He also wasn’t old. Maybe … Jensen had no idea how old, but certainly not older than his mom. The coach was fit and trim, he looked like Jensen wanted to look, when he was older. Now, he was only fourteen and skinny, not muscular like the coach. He also knew that Benjamin Harris, who claimed to be a much fitter than anyone else in the team, didn’t have the muscles the coach had. They all could see that, because, duh, swimming?
The coach liked to show how to move right by himself, so he seldom wore a shirt. And those muscles, if Jens was honest, were awesome!
“I’ve been watching you. You’ve… improved a lot. How long are you with us now?”
“Uh… a year? ‘bouts?”
“Right. Our youngest, aren’t ya?”
“Dunno” Jensen fidgeted. He didn’t like being reminded that he was the one with the least experience in the team. The newest. He liked swimming, loved it. But the others were so much better! “Tommy’s my age? Right?”
“I think Tommy’s a bit older. I think he said he’ll be fifteen next week.”
“Oh.” Jensen waited, but apparently coach Johansson didn’t want anything else from him. He only smiled at Jensen and didn’t say anything more. “Uhm… if that’s all… I kinda…”
“Oh, I’m sorry.” Johansson put his hand on his arm to hold him back, or as an apology. His palm was warm. “I’m standing here, staring… I wanted to tell you, I think you have a lot of potential.”
“I do?” Jensen squeaked. “Really?”
“Yes. Compared to the others, you’re plenty ahead. I mean, they are better for now, but they’ve been doing this far longer. So, compared to them… you’re more than good.” He smiled kindly at him and when Jensen’s eyes lit up in joy over the praise, his own lit up as well.
“Wow, that’s…. Wow. Thank you! Mr. Johansson. Sir.”
“My pleasure” the trainer smiled back, stroking his thumb lightly over Jensen’s arm. He swallowed and took his hand away. “See you next time, then. Have a good weekend”
“Will have! Thanks again!”
“I, uh… I never thought anything ‘bout it. Y’know? He was just saying something nice, that’s all. Well. That’s what I figured. I mean, it was a bit… strange. The touchy-feely-stuff. But he’d been like this with everyone, so I didn’t really think anything about it. Didn’t mind much.”
Jay remained silent. He’d sat next to Jens, same position, back against the wall, knees drawn up. Their shoulders touched, but they didn’t look at each other. Jensen wasn’t sure if he could talk if he’d have to look at his friend.
“But… it got more awkward. He… he started to keep close to me. Always using some … some praise or something else. Like telling me stuff I already knew, that he’d already told to the team. I first thought-“ he laughed self-depreciatingly “- that he thought I was a bit stupid.”
”Jensen, wait a minute.”
Jens was a bit annoyed about the delay. Not only did he really need to catch the bus, but he also didn’t really want another explanation about his swim-style. He’d understood it fine the first time!
“What?”
“Hey, why so sullen, huh? I won’t keep you long. In fact, go on shower, I’ll just talk to you through the curtain.”
“Uh…”
“Go on, it’s faster that way. You want to get on the bus, right?”
“Yeah…”
“So shoo.”
“Man… that was really awkward. You know? He kept talking, and I have no fucking clue what he actually said. I mean… I think he didn’t know either. He just babbled along and I tried to get the quickest shower possible. I nearly freaked when… he was really close to the curtain, you know, the one that separates the showers from the pool-area? He said - tried to make it a joke - he asked if I washed behind my ears. Only, there was this… this pause, before ‘ears’.” Jensen shuddered. He was sure Jay’d noticed, because his friend leaned closer against him after. “And the second I had my towel wrapped around me, he was there. Just...right there! I didn’t even tell him I was finished! I tried to tell myself I’m imagining things. I mean, this shit doesn’t happen, right? Never to yourself, does it?”
Jared nodded. Jens felt it through his shoulder.
“And, uh. He … he kept telling me nice things. But really weird, creepy stuff. Like how nice my shampoo smelled. Dude, that was so freaky! Who tells a guy that his shampoo smells good! And… he … he sniffed me. Smelled my hair.” He shivered again. This stuff was making him go places he’d sworn never to visit again. Which he’d thought long past and forgotten.
Jay pulled in a deep breath, let it out slowly. Then he spoke, for the first time in what felt like hours. “Did he… you know. Do stuff?”
“No. I mean, he… touched. But not… below the belt, or anything. Just kinda…caressing me. Arms, and, uh… once he… he stroked my cheek. Said there was a … smudge, or some bullshit.”
Jensen sat on the steps, after school. He was waiting for his mom, who was late. But she’d said she’d be late, so that was fine. Jens’d started to draw, a tree on the other side of the road when he heard someone approach.
“Hi Jensen.” Lisa Toralini, from Jensen’s arts-class passed by.”You’re drawing? Can I see?” She sat next to him and Jensen gave her the spiral-block with the tree. He turned away, because she was stunningly pretty and smelled like vanilla.
“Oh, wow. That’s really good! I can even see which tree it is from the leaves - a maple, right?”
“Uh... actually, it’s a sycamore. Look, the leaves are more triangular, and the trunk is totally different.”
“Oh? Oh. Ok, well."
He blushed when he noticed she wasn’t really interested in the tree, had only wanted to be nice. She smiled at him, gave the book back and waved goodbye. Awesome. Way to go, geek!
Jensen didn’t even have time to freak out though, cause right then Coach Johansson slinked by.
“Hey, Jensen. Wasn’t that Lisa Toralini? Cute kid, right? You fancy her? Or, wait, what do you say now? You dig her’?” he actually snickered.
Jensen tried to inconspicuously move away, but the coach just sat down close - nearly touching. There wasn’t anywhere Jens could go without obviously fleeing, and he wasn’t prepared for that, yet. But he prayed his mom would hurry up.
“Hum” he tried to be distracted, but the warmth of the man next to him made him aware without chance to not notice.
“She’s really pretty. Huh?” Johansson nudged him. “Bet you dream of her, huh?”
Really? How creepy was that? A teacher trying to be ‘one of the kids’ with him, and talking about the cuteness of a sixteen-year-old girl? What a freak!
”You’re a dream, too, you know that? The way you look... I’ve actually dreamed of you. More than once. What about you? Did you ever dream of me? Jensen?”
Jensen had tried to move away again. He'd just prepared to rise and leave when...
“Oh, hey. Wait, hold still. You got…” he touched him. He touched his face! His thumb was stroking right underneath Jensen’s eye-socket and it was pretty obvious that he didn’t do anything but caress him. And then he licked his finger and did it again!
“Uh, Sir, I think that’s my mom there. Sorry. Need to… uh…” he disentangled himself from the trainer and stood, went over to the car that’d just pulled into the parking lot. It wasn’t his mom, not even close, but Jensen was glad for any distraction, any reason to be able to get away. When he looked to the steps again, the coach’d left. He spotted him getting into his car.
When Jensen’s mother really came, about twenty minutes later, Jensen got in without a word. Only when he opened his spiral-block the next day did he see that the tree from the day before was now being torched by a huge, fierce dragon with wings the size of a house.
“It… I tried to dodge him as well as I could, and I managed pretty ok. At least, I thought. He, uh… he still told me that I looked good, smelled good or took notice of my shirts. Or, even creepier, my jeans. And… and he uh… he made comments, how I looked … man, freaking wholesome!”
That’d been really scary for Jens. ‘Wholesome’ sounded like something you’d eat, not a kid.
“Did Mark notice? S’that why he… you know?” Jay asked.
“Nah. Mark wasn’t in the team then. He… he came just before I left.” Jensen swallowed hard. That’d been maybe his shittiest move. He hadn’t known, but…
“What made you leave? I mean - I think I’d have left right away, so why wait so long?”
Jens sighed, scratched his hair. “Really? I thought I was seeing things. All the others loved him, thought he was so cool and awesome, and I never got a weird vibe when he was with other kids. I thought it was me, y’know? That I’d been watching too much Law and Order and was imagining that stuff. I mean, he never did anything, really. And man, I loved swimming.”
He didn’t anymore, not really. Jensen still liked to swim, but only for fun, in a lake or the ocean. He couldn’t stand the chlorine-tang anymore.
“So, what convinced you?”
“It got more… obvious. He started demonstrating moves hands-on.”
Johansson’d jumped into the pool, some days, had swam up behind Jensen and helpfully showed the team how it should look when you were doing butterfly-swimming. Jens’d loathed it. And the bulge at his backside'd been a sure giveaway.
“And he kept me behind after training even more often, told me unnecessary stuff, always, you know, close. I was getting scared to be alone with him. And… uh. Then…”
”Jensen, really. You should be better by now. I know you have potential, but you should really work harder. You could be a world-class swimmer one day, but not if you’re only half-assed about it. I spoke with your mother, the other day -” Jensen paled “- and she said it’d be ok if you trained more. Your extracurricular activities aren’t that many, so you’d have time enough. We could work much more effectively when you’re not that distracted. So, I thought we could do some private training, you and me.”
He’d paled even further, taken two steps away from the coach. Felt the bile rise in his throat. That Johansson’d talked to his mom was unforgivable, but the mere idea of spending time with this guy…
“Uh… I’ll think of it. I…I need to go. It’s… it’s time. Need to go. Sorry!” and he’d bolted from the room, colliding with somebody in the hall.
“I told my mom that I wanted out. She… the coach hadn’t talked to her, you know? He’d lied, must’ve gotten the schedule from the school-secretary.”
Jay was silent once more. He just let out a deep breath and stared at his hand on his knees.
“Jay?”
“He’d been grooming you”
Jensen frowned in thought. “Uh… no. He never did. I didn’t even have a comb with me…”
Startled, Jared looked over and laughed a bit. “Dude! ‘Grooming’ is when a pedo insinuates himself with his… victim. Makes him or her think he’s special, and that it’s normal what he does.”
“Oh” Jens felt stupid “How do you know that?”
Jay snickered “Saw it on Law and Order”
Both kids chuckled a moment, letting out tension in spades. It felt good to laugh, especially here, in this building. In this room.
“Hey. Is that the reason?”
“Reason?”
“Yeah, for all the black stuff, the chains and all? The hair?”
“What? No!”
No! He wore his clothes because he liked them. Because they made him look dangerous, bad-ass and … huh. He glanced at Jared, who was watching his reactions like a hawk. “Maybe a bit?”
“A bit.”
“A tiny bit?”
“Man, you’re really telling me you wear this patchi-stuff because you like the smell?”
Jensen smirked a little. “Put like that…” He’d never consciously thought about it. And… it wasn’t really all there was to it.
He liked his black clothes, liked not only the image of prickly reserve it created but also… he liked how he looked. Maybe... maybe it was defense. He’d certainly chosen aikido for that reason. But not just that. Right? He liked the music he listened to; he liked his friends from gaming. He liked to wear spikes and chains and leather, but it was as much to be seen as it was to be … well, to be less pretty. ‘Pretty’ wasn’t an attribute he wanted for himself.
Oh, he knew he looked good. He liked that he looked good. But… well. He also liked to surprise people by showing them something and being absolutely different inside. He loved taking prejudices apart. He kinda thrived on the attention he got from looking like that, but he also liked the anonymity it created. He was the black guy, the goth. He wasn’t Jensen with all that encompassed, he was an image. A type. People could project their own ideas about him on his darkened clothes and never know the one inside.
It was a comfortable cloak, one that made him be seen while at the same time hid him well.
Now that Jay opened that box of possibility, he couldn’t close it anymore, and Jens couldn’t honestly deny that there might be something more behind his preferences for dark.
Then again, he could’ve just as easily hidden himself behind his skater-wear, behind screaming-pink hair and baggy jeans. Or stop washing, look and smell greasy. But he’d chosen his goth looks over every other attire, so there must’ve been more involved than just trying to escape his swim-coach.
He was still thinking about that when Jay spoke again. “There’s one thing I don’t get.”
“Yeah?” Jens looked at Jared. This time, his friend had his gaze fixed on the point where Mark had been killed.
“How does this make anything your fault?”
Jensen took a deep breath. And another. One more.
“Well… I never told anyone.” Jay’s eyes snapped to him for a second, then back to the rust-colored spot on the floor. “And… and I think… I’m pretty sure from what Mark said that day, that when I wasn’t…" pretty “available anymore, Johansson fixated on Mark. And… I guess Mark didn’t … didn’t take it so well.”
“Hmm. You never told anyone? Not even your mom?”
“Are you kidding me? My mom would’ve killed him! And I toldya, I wasn’t…”
“You weren’t sure. I get that. More than you believe” Jay’s eyes were sad and Jensen thought that he was probably right. Jared had a lot of experience in not being sure and carried his own weight for that.
“I… I know it sounds silly, and maybe a bit… arrogant. But I thought… I thought that he was only interested in me. Not… not boys in general. I thought he’d just…”
The coach had said that Jensen was special, and in a weird sort of way, it’d made him feel … good. And he hadn’t honestly believed that Johansson would find someone else ‘special’ that fast, or at all.
‘Grooming’ indeed. If he hadn’t been weary and repelled by the man, if he’d been a bit more gullible, a bit less attentive… If he didn’t have a sister who was pretty and perky and kinda his responsibility when his mom wasn’t home, it might have been way worse.
“So, you figure it’s your fault because you didn’t tell anyone and Johansson was still at school? And that, what? That Mark was forced to take a gun to school and shoot people who had nothing to do with it, who were just… in the way, or bubbleheads and freaking teenagers, like Sally?”
“No. Yes… No. Not entirely. I… I know, like, in here-“ Jensen knocked at his head “that it was Mark’s choice to start shooting. I know that” He sighed “But it feels …”
“I know. Believe me, I know. If I’d’ve listened to him, if I'd’ve … I dunno, been more concerned. But he was just a pal, never… never more. He wasn’t like Kevin, or Mel. Or you. I didn’t know enough about him. Hell, who should I’ve told that he drank too much, huh? Or that his parents weren’t home a lot. That wasn’t my place!”
“Yeah. Which is why there is no way in Hell they should be allowed to hand Jenkins a freakin’ award!” Jens hissed. “You remember?” Jay nodded “He must’ve told her. Maybe not all, but enough. Fuck, Jay! They wanna give medals or something to those people! To a fucking pedophile swim-coach and a school-counselor who didn’t do her job! That’s …” Jensen was breathing hard.
He’d jumped off the table and started pacing in the middle of his rant, and now he stood in front of Jared, silently pleading with him to make it right.
“That’s wrong.”
“Yeah.”
Right. Jared was in the same boat. In an even worse situation, because if Jens told others about what he knew, he’d maybe get pitied and probably some more counseling. But Jay… Jay had known something was gonna happen, and he hadn’t told anyone. Wasn’t that a crime of sorts?
“We can’t let them do it, can we? Give out those fucked-up prizes and keep quiet?”
“I don’t think we can, Jay. Wish we could.”
“Nah. S’ what I figured.” Jay ran his hand through his hair. “So, what now?”
-*-
What now indeed. They sat in the old school for some time, until the Now had nearly erased the Then. They would’ve stayed longer, but Jared’s cell-phone alarm told them that school was out now and they needed to get home or their parents would worry.
Trudging back to Middle-School, where Jay’s car stood, they kicked some ideas around. The one Jared preferred, going to the ceremony and just telling the whole town about what happened was pretty cool, but the thought of telling a hall full of strangers that the swim-coach had tried to get into Jensen’s pants wasn’t high on Jensen’s list of fun-things to do. Jay had kindly seen reason, especially when Jay realized that it would be insanely cruel to the relatives of the coach and Mrs. Jenkins as well as Mark’s family. They might’ve neglected their boy, but they didn’t deserve to learn about their kid’s misery from the press or cruel neighbors.
But they had to do something. The fact that nobody even thought about researching a reason for Mark’s blow-out couldn’t be tolerated, not when Jensen and Jay had the clues necessary.
“Bill?”
“I guess that’s our best bet. He’ll listen. He likes you, Jensen, for whatever reason”
Jensen shoved Jared playfully, relieved to finally see some of the snark back in his friend. Been too long that he’d seen him smile and grin, too long since they both had laughed. Really laughed, the loud, relieved, tension-snapping kind. Maybe it was time to take Jay on a LARP now. There was tons of fun to have, you get exercise in heaps and best of all, nobody there knew them and nobody treated them any different than anyone else.
He just had to get Mrs. P to agree, but he was sure his mom would come up with something.
“All right. So, uh… do we tell him first, or do ya wanna tell your parents first?”
“Shhhhheeeee… I think… I think I’ll tell all of ‘em together. That way, they won’t be able to murder me for stupidity, with a police-officer present.” Jay scratched his arm “I… uh, I’d like to do it together, with you? So… Like all in one go? Bill could… Dunno, so he has both statements right away?”
“Ok.” Jay looked surprised by his easy acquiescence, but truth was that Jensen was relieved. He couldn’t even begin to think about doing this stuff alone. “I... I just need to tell my mom first. Maybe she wants to be there too." Maybe, right. There would be no way to keep Donna Ackles away from that talk, Jensen was sure.
“Ok. So… how about I call Bill and we set something up? Tonight, if possible?”
“Tonight?” Jensen squeaked. “So soon?”
“Uh… better not push it off longer than necessary. You know? I kinda… I need to get rid of this shit.”
“Uh… What’ll happen to you?”
“Huh?”
“I mean… Isn’t it a crime, or something? To withhold information like that?”
“Yeah. Guess so. Dunno.” Jay looked away. “Can’t really do anything ‘bout it, can I?”
-*-
They got back right on time to pick up Mack and Megan. Both girls looked suspiciously at them and Mack glared at her brother the whole drive.
Back home, she asked him acidly if he’d had fun and he just glared back, turned his back and switched on the TV.
Jay called at four to tell him that all was set for seven-thirty that night and that he hadn’t been able to keep his secret from his parents after all. They had been, well, a bit pissed, Jared said, but he was still alive and they’d get over it. The weight on Jensen’s chest that had been lifted after the talk with his friend and which had started to grow again on their way back was on his heart full force now. Heavier then before. Anxiously switching channels every second, he waited for his mother.
“Man, you suck ass! If you can’t keep one show on, I’m gonna watch in your room!” Mack declared. Jensen only waved her off.
-*-
Five o’clock, as usual, Donna Ackles pulled into the driveway of her home. She grabbed her bag and opened the door, mentally inventorying their ice-box for dinner today. There were some frozen pizza, she was sure. She’d need to stock up again.
When she opened the door, she nearly had a heart-attack. Her son was standing in the doorway to the living room, pale and clearly nervous. He was chewing on his thumbnail, and he only did that when he was strung like a wire.
“Jensen! What happened?” her bag hit the floor. “Did something happen in school? Is Mack ok? Jens?”
“No… nothing happened. Not… I just…” he stuttered.
Donna saw him pull himself together after that and start again.
“Mom, I need to tell you something.”
~end~
******
a/n: That's it, folks. Hope you had some fun here. I wouldn't be terribly upset if you drop me a line if you did, and also don't hesitate to point me towards mistakes I made - I'm not a native speaker, and sometimes words get mixed up - like "thumbs" and "thumps", which is highly embarrassing but so easy to fix ;-)