Duality
Just some thoughts that are going through my head about the mild dissatisfaction I've been feeling lately. I can't seem to talk about it with Jaq because talking is hard for me so I figured I'd write it down. It's probably going to be long and rambly so save yourself while you still can. D:
About ten years ago, I realized I had grown up to be a very selfish person. Upper-middle-class suburbia had taught me to value personal success above all else and, on top of that, I never managed to learn how to deal with emotions, be they my own or those of others. It could have been all the moving around, or the minimal exposure to extended family, or maybe the bullying in middle school. Who knows. In any case, by the time I was in early high school, I was very self-centered and unable to really form lasting bonds with people, probably because I was so focused on my own brain all of the time.
As I was thrashing around trying to become an adult, I missed lots of opportunities to form healthy friendships and managed to actively hurt a lot of people as well. I'm not completely anti-social so I always felt bad about it, but I think even then my regret over each busted friendship was motivated by a selfish desire to not lose the connection. I was a selfish friend and a selfish lover. I missed birthdays, I overstepped personal boundaries, and I would often casually lie if it would stack the deck in my favor. I am often amazed that I made it through with any friends at all. Fortunately, the person who I consider to be my closest friend even now seems to have a bottomless well of forgiveness and I will always be grateful to her for that. I probably did all of the above to her over the years and for some reason she's still around! Though the number of people who showed up at my 30th birthday blew me away too so I guess I have quite a few forgiving friends, really.
Anyways, ten years ago I was on the tail end of breakup that ended up being super prolonged and messy, largely due to the whole me-being-really-selfish thing. It was just about then that Jaq exploded into my life and to this day I have yet to meet anyone with such a big, honest, selfless heart. In the first few years, I hurt her several times in the exact same ways as everyone else. Birthdays were missed and many lies were told, some bigger than others. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way we started rubbing off on each other and fixing each other's flaws. She taught me the value of being totally honest with another, showed me what it looks like to truly care about the people in your life, and helped me to become a selfless lover. I taught her (I think) that it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes and to always question your own beliefs. The first few years were pretty rough but I think in the end we really made each other stronger in all the places we were lacking.
However, and this is really the crux of what I've been thinking about, it feels like that selfish part of me is still in there somewhere and wants to be living a much different life than I am now. Part of me felt really alive when I was living super simply and spending the majority of my time either playing games or making them for a living. The hours were long and the pay sucked, but there was something so invigorating about the highs and lows of the creative process that really feels like it's missing now. Part of me is irritated that I'm not still single, selfish, and doing what I love at the expense of my own physical and mental well-being.
The thing is, I LOVE the life I've built and wouldn't trade it for anything. I certainly have moments when I wonder what things would have been like if I had made different choices along the way...taken a job across the country or went for my PhD or what have you. But I think that's pretty normal. I'm quite happy with how things have turned out. I've got an amazing partner who supports me through anything, I've got my health, a really great cat that follows me around my pretty awesome house. My job is fairly cushy and I don't really have to worry about money or obtaining food. I'm part of several great communities, some of which I started myself, and I do have some great friends, even though I often wish we were closer.
My blessings are many and rationally I don't want things to be much different than they are, but there's this tiny, niggling, destructive piece of me that would throw it all away for the chance to just withdraw into myself again. It's an annoying feeling, and maybe something that will always be there as my better part experiences success in his career and raises a family with his awesome wife.
That's it though, really. That's why I'm sometimes grumpy for seemingly no reason and why I sometimes find it difficult to think of things to say because I've withdrawn into my own head. It's that shitty part of me that has been suppressed and forced into the background as I've learned how to live a better life.
Yep. Told you it would be long!
About ten years ago, I realized I had grown up to be a very selfish person. Upper-middle-class suburbia had taught me to value personal success above all else and, on top of that, I never managed to learn how to deal with emotions, be they my own or those of others. It could have been all the moving around, or the minimal exposure to extended family, or maybe the bullying in middle school. Who knows. In any case, by the time I was in early high school, I was very self-centered and unable to really form lasting bonds with people, probably because I was so focused on my own brain all of the time.
As I was thrashing around trying to become an adult, I missed lots of opportunities to form healthy friendships and managed to actively hurt a lot of people as well. I'm not completely anti-social so I always felt bad about it, but I think even then my regret over each busted friendship was motivated by a selfish desire to not lose the connection. I was a selfish friend and a selfish lover. I missed birthdays, I overstepped personal boundaries, and I would often casually lie if it would stack the deck in my favor. I am often amazed that I made it through with any friends at all. Fortunately, the person who I consider to be my closest friend even now seems to have a bottomless well of forgiveness and I will always be grateful to her for that. I probably did all of the above to her over the years and for some reason she's still around! Though the number of people who showed up at my 30th birthday blew me away too so I guess I have quite a few forgiving friends, really.
Anyways, ten years ago I was on the tail end of breakup that ended up being super prolonged and messy, largely due to the whole me-being-really-selfish thing. It was just about then that Jaq exploded into my life and to this day I have yet to meet anyone with such a big, honest, selfless heart. In the first few years, I hurt her several times in the exact same ways as everyone else. Birthdays were missed and many lies were told, some bigger than others. I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but somewhere along the way we started rubbing off on each other and fixing each other's flaws. She taught me the value of being totally honest with another, showed me what it looks like to truly care about the people in your life, and helped me to become a selfless lover. I taught her (I think) that it's okay to be a little selfish sometimes and to always question your own beliefs. The first few years were pretty rough but I think in the end we really made each other stronger in all the places we were lacking.
However, and this is really the crux of what I've been thinking about, it feels like that selfish part of me is still in there somewhere and wants to be living a much different life than I am now. Part of me felt really alive when I was living super simply and spending the majority of my time either playing games or making them for a living. The hours were long and the pay sucked, but there was something so invigorating about the highs and lows of the creative process that really feels like it's missing now. Part of me is irritated that I'm not still single, selfish, and doing what I love at the expense of my own physical and mental well-being.
The thing is, I LOVE the life I've built and wouldn't trade it for anything. I certainly have moments when I wonder what things would have been like if I had made different choices along the way...taken a job across the country or went for my PhD or what have you. But I think that's pretty normal. I'm quite happy with how things have turned out. I've got an amazing partner who supports me through anything, I've got my health, a really great cat that follows me around my pretty awesome house. My job is fairly cushy and I don't really have to worry about money or obtaining food. I'm part of several great communities, some of which I started myself, and I do have some great friends, even though I often wish we were closer.
My blessings are many and rationally I don't want things to be much different than they are, but there's this tiny, niggling, destructive piece of me that would throw it all away for the chance to just withdraw into myself again. It's an annoying feeling, and maybe something that will always be there as my better part experiences success in his career and raises a family with his awesome wife.
That's it though, really. That's why I'm sometimes grumpy for seemingly no reason and why I sometimes find it difficult to think of things to say because I've withdrawn into my own head. It's that shitty part of me that has been suppressed and forced into the background as I've learned how to live a better life.
Yep. Told you it would be long!