*sigh*
Today I started doing one of the hardest things that I never thought would be so hard: I cleaned my room.
I clean my room all the time, but this time my parents were making me do it and I am having to throw away EVERYTHING.
Everything means every note I have saved from friends and the "special" ex's, everything means pictures I have held onto,poems and stories I have written over the years. I know that I would have to do it someday, but it still made it hard.
I found so many things that brought back so many memories, some good some bad.
Memories that I try not to forget so I do not go back to the person I was, the person I hated so much, the person I tried to kill.
I kept things around as a reminder of what I could so easily become: and I would not want to hurt Stacy. I was not the best person in the world: I hurt people because I was angry at the world and the things done to me. I hurt several "good" guys and I live with those regrets everyday.
Going through all this stuff was like re-living my life from the last 4 years all at once. I wish my parents would have just done what they threatened and tossed it all while I was gone. I would not have to face my past.
*sigh* As I type this my reasons sound so stupid and childish, but in a way I am still a child. I want to be so grown up: have my career and start my family, but at the sametime I want the childhood that was denied to me. My childhood was brief, I started to get sick and I could not live the way other children my age were. I was also supposed to get married and had to start preparing for that.
Let me explain that last part a little, I was born and raised in south Ga., and my family had arranged for me to marry the middle Nijem boy so that our family could gain part of their fortune *they own half the town I grew up in* and in return they would have my blood and title. *my family is one of the oldest families in Ga*
So while other little girls my age were pretending to play house, I was preparing to really run my own. My family also believed that if a female was not married by the time she graduated high school she was a failure. You only went to college to find a husband. *pretty old-fashioned huh?*
Memories with me are a reminder: that is why I really AM grateful for the people in my life, the things that I have, and the opportunities given to me. We are not rich, but we live comfortably, I go to college and I plan to make something of myself, and I have wonderful friends *ones I only see on-line and one's that live close-by* who support me and I love.
I am also grateful for my boyfriend Stacy. We just hit the 5 month mark and this is the part where it gets scary for me. My relationships do not make it to 6 months. Most have ended either at 1 month or 4-5 months. The ones that lasted longer than 6 months deteriorated after 5 months and we too stubborn to admit it.
He is one of my best friends and I care about him a lot. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I would let him go if I knew he would be happy with another. That is all I want: him to be happy. I want him to feel good about himself and see the man in him that I do. I honestly love him that much.
I have been in quote "love" before, I won't lie, but it was different. I did not care what they did, it didn't bother me if they were happy or not, as long as I got what I wanted. But I want to make him happy, I try so hard and it seems like every time I try I fail so miserably. But he still loves me. He looks past my blunders and loves me.
I hope I never lose that. I hope I will grow the brains to keep him happy.
Too much sanity may be madness
and the maddest of all,
to see life as it is
and not as it should be.
I clean my room all the time, but this time my parents were making me do it and I am having to throw away EVERYTHING.
Everything means every note I have saved from friends and the "special" ex's, everything means pictures I have held onto,poems and stories I have written over the years. I know that I would have to do it someday, but it still made it hard.
I found so many things that brought back so many memories, some good some bad.
Memories that I try not to forget so I do not go back to the person I was, the person I hated so much, the person I tried to kill.
I kept things around as a reminder of what I could so easily become: and I would not want to hurt Stacy. I was not the best person in the world: I hurt people because I was angry at the world and the things done to me. I hurt several "good" guys and I live with those regrets everyday.
Going through all this stuff was like re-living my life from the last 4 years all at once. I wish my parents would have just done what they threatened and tossed it all while I was gone. I would not have to face my past.
*sigh* As I type this my reasons sound so stupid and childish, but in a way I am still a child. I want to be so grown up: have my career and start my family, but at the sametime I want the childhood that was denied to me. My childhood was brief, I started to get sick and I could not live the way other children my age were. I was also supposed to get married and had to start preparing for that.
Let me explain that last part a little, I was born and raised in south Ga., and my family had arranged for me to marry the middle Nijem boy so that our family could gain part of their fortune *they own half the town I grew up in* and in return they would have my blood and title. *my family is one of the oldest families in Ga*
So while other little girls my age were pretending to play house, I was preparing to really run my own. My family also believed that if a female was not married by the time she graduated high school she was a failure. You only went to college to find a husband. *pretty old-fashioned huh?*
Memories with me are a reminder: that is why I really AM grateful for the people in my life, the things that I have, and the opportunities given to me. We are not rich, but we live comfortably, I go to college and I plan to make something of myself, and I have wonderful friends *ones I only see on-line and one's that live close-by* who support me and I love.
I am also grateful for my boyfriend Stacy. We just hit the 5 month mark and this is the part where it gets scary for me. My relationships do not make it to 6 months. Most have ended either at 1 month or 4-5 months. The ones that lasted longer than 6 months deteriorated after 5 months and we too stubborn to admit it.
He is one of my best friends and I care about him a lot. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but I would let him go if I knew he would be happy with another. That is all I want: him to be happy. I want him to feel good about himself and see the man in him that I do. I honestly love him that much.
I have been in quote "love" before, I won't lie, but it was different. I did not care what they did, it didn't bother me if they were happy or not, as long as I got what I wanted. But I want to make him happy, I try so hard and it seems like every time I try I fail so miserably. But he still loves me. He looks past my blunders and loves me.
I hope I never lose that. I hope I will grow the brains to keep him happy.
Too much sanity may be madness
and the maddest of all,
to see life as it is
and not as it should be.