(no subject)
I MISS MY MOTHER
i have been such an agoraphobe....I started chantix yesterday along with going back on my celexa.... i feel wicked sick. I haven't left my house since Sunday. I just can't really bring myself to do much, and I think I have no health insurance now. Awesome. I have to fill out the application. Lucius turned 2 yesterday. :)
It's bittersweet. God I just feel so awful. My mom was just like me when she was younger. She was then what I've always aspired to be. She was dreamy...I wish she hadn't gone the way she did. I wish I'd actually had her. I never really had her. I wish I had my dad too. I wish I had parents. I feel like an orphan. I have trained myself not to feel sorry....but now I am just missing so much of what I didn't have. I miss my mother so much. She was my fucking mother. I can only mourn her when I'm alone. When I'm with people her memory comes out of nowhere and threatens to engulf me in sorrow....but I fight it. And it sucks. I hate pushing down the pain. I wish I had taken her more seriously. She loved Mariah Carey and she used to sing beautifully. We used to snuggle in my bed in my room. I remember. It kills me so much that I'll never be able to talk to her again. I loved talking to her about me when I was little. And to hear her crazy stories. She loved me so much. What am I supposed to do? I'm the daughter...I didn't know. i didn't know. MOM I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME. PLEASE. i know she would forgive me.
I wish there really was a heaven. I wish I could see her again.
I wish I had taken her and just SHAKEN HER and said MOM STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
i wish i could've saved her.
i have been such an agoraphobe....I started chantix yesterday along with going back on my celexa.... i feel wicked sick. I haven't left my house since Sunday. I just can't really bring myself to do much, and I think I have no health insurance now. Awesome. I have to fill out the application. Lucius turned 2 yesterday. :)
It's bittersweet. God I just feel so awful. My mom was just like me when she was younger. She was then what I've always aspired to be. She was dreamy...I wish she hadn't gone the way she did. I wish I'd actually had her. I never really had her. I wish I had my dad too. I wish I had parents. I feel like an orphan. I have trained myself not to feel sorry....but now I am just missing so much of what I didn't have. I miss my mother so much. She was my fucking mother. I can only mourn her when I'm alone. When I'm with people her memory comes out of nowhere and threatens to engulf me in sorrow....but I fight it. And it sucks. I hate pushing down the pain. I wish I had taken her more seriously. She loved Mariah Carey and she used to sing beautifully. We used to snuggle in my bed in my room. I remember. It kills me so much that I'll never be able to talk to her again. I loved talking to her about me when I was little. And to hear her crazy stories. She loved me so much. What am I supposed to do? I'm the daughter...I didn't know. i didn't know. MOM I'M SO SORRY! PLEASE FORGIVE ME. PLEASE. i know she would forgive me.
I wish there really was a heaven. I wish I could see her again.
I wish I had taken her and just SHAKEN HER and said MOM STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
i wish i could've saved her.