Playing Speed Chess in Cars with Boys
Long entry is long, but it's good to be able to check in and at least give everyone a few tidbits here and there about my life as it stands. Yes, JT came and yes, he's okay -- and we're okay. I'm pretty much leaving this entry for my own damn sake because...fuck...I don't want to let that moment go, you know?
LJ cut for length & themes, but this is our time/moments/life so far.
I was a mess that morning -- worry about what I should say. I still don't have my signature ring or my cuffs, I don't wear the long red beads that mark me as the head of this family ... but I opened the door anyway and found him on the other side. His hair is shorter than I remembered it -- he cut it down and it's still growing out. He's got a goatee now, a little bit of dirty blonde scrub hovering over a pale desert bordered only by a salmon pink rock that parts every now and then to speak and inhale food. I remember just...looking at him for a moment, as if I wasn't sure if he was real or not.
He's here. -- only thought I had. I immediately embraced him and I just couldn't make myself let go. His voice even sounds different than when he left. "It's okay. I'm here. It's okay."
I nodded and whispered, "I was worried for you. Oh, darlin'...don't do this to me anymore. I can't take it. I can't."
He chuckled -- I'm not one for showing that level of emotion to anyone or anydamnthing and I'm about to blubber and lose it on my doorstep. So I pull him inside the house and we chat. I'm nervous -- the house looks not as good as it could be and I find myself watching him. His steps are so smooth and measured, careful. My boy radiates confidence now. I helped get a few bags in the house and we chatted a bit more.
We had to zip back into Killeen for Mom's house -- went over to see the family, went over to hug Dad and meet Dad's girlfriend, H. H is a good lady, very grounded and sure of herself. I think Dad has met a good one. Nice curves too -- a little stacked at both ends, which Marisa approves of heartily. :)
I felt a bit out of my element, a bit nervous, a bit time crunched. We had a lot to do.
Picking up mom...meeting Mom again was nice... we had a moment where we looked at JT and I realized that we both have the same type of love for the same man.
We waited until the next day to walk -- we walked around Scott & White (the hospital), with my hand gently resting in the crook of his elbow -- something I've always done ever since we really became best friends. I felt at ease with his presence, calm by this strange scent on him -- I can't describe it. He smells like land, like fresh turned soil and swirling dust.
He smiled at me quietly when I gushed about my joy of having him here. Then the eyes misted slightly and he said, "it's good to be home. It's good to be here with you too."
Our days were filled with planning -- speed chess, because I need to have...uh, a good chunk of cash in the next...oh, five days or things will be massively fucked for us. Instead of panicing, JT got strategy-aware and began working over our chessboard with sharp awareness. I was blown away by his level of organization:
Instead of working fourteen hours a day and losing money left and right...I am now working 4 hours a day and making 25% more cash :) Daily, to boot! I will also fulfill my service contract, which means that I will qualify for another raise in July!
It hasn't been without our little squabbles -- the stress of getting certain things taken care of has stressed me out, and instead of feeding into my anger he simply shrugs it off. He is always calm and collected, understanding... and our conversations have been quite fun.
I don't know where I would be without him -- and I'm learning that it's okay to reach out and ask for his help. It doesn't detract from my power to do what's necessary.
I found myself pausing for a moment as he was sleeping -- just watching him dream away while I was already wide awake. My parents don't understand our bond, our friends think we're in denial...but I couldn't care less. He's here. He's with me. And we are rolling forward.
We've decided on St. Louis -- keeps me in the Midwest (love it here!) while it gets him out of the super bible belt thing. I'm really excited. It's looking like we'll be going there around May 2012 - I want to make sure that it's warm enough and I'm not driving on heavy snow.
I think that's about it...lol... I knew this would be a gushy post.
LJ cut for length & themes, but this is our time/moments/life so far.
I was a mess that morning -- worry about what I should say. I still don't have my signature ring or my cuffs, I don't wear the long red beads that mark me as the head of this family ... but I opened the door anyway and found him on the other side. His hair is shorter than I remembered it -- he cut it down and it's still growing out. He's got a goatee now, a little bit of dirty blonde scrub hovering over a pale desert bordered only by a salmon pink rock that parts every now and then to speak and inhale food. I remember just...looking at him for a moment, as if I wasn't sure if he was real or not.
He's here. -- only thought I had. I immediately embraced him and I just couldn't make myself let go. His voice even sounds different than when he left. "It's okay. I'm here. It's okay."
I nodded and whispered, "I was worried for you. Oh, darlin'...don't do this to me anymore. I can't take it. I can't."
He chuckled -- I'm not one for showing that level of emotion to anyone or anydamnthing and I'm about to blubber and lose it on my doorstep. So I pull him inside the house and we chat. I'm nervous -- the house looks not as good as it could be and I find myself watching him. His steps are so smooth and measured, careful. My boy radiates confidence now. I helped get a few bags in the house and we chatted a bit more.
We had to zip back into Killeen for Mom's house -- went over to see the family, went over to hug Dad and meet Dad's girlfriend, H. H is a good lady, very grounded and sure of herself. I think Dad has met a good one. Nice curves too -- a little stacked at both ends, which Marisa approves of heartily. :)
I felt a bit out of my element, a bit nervous, a bit time crunched. We had a lot to do.
Picking up mom...meeting Mom again was nice... we had a moment where we looked at JT and I realized that we both have the same type of love for the same man.
We waited until the next day to walk -- we walked around Scott & White (the hospital), with my hand gently resting in the crook of his elbow -- something I've always done ever since we really became best friends. I felt at ease with his presence, calm by this strange scent on him -- I can't describe it. He smells like land, like fresh turned soil and swirling dust.
He smiled at me quietly when I gushed about my joy of having him here. Then the eyes misted slightly and he said, "it's good to be home. It's good to be here with you too."
Our days were filled with planning -- speed chess, because I need to have...uh, a good chunk of cash in the next...oh, five days or things will be massively fucked for us. Instead of panicing, JT got strategy-aware and began working over our chessboard with sharp awareness. I was blown away by his level of organization:
Instead of working fourteen hours a day and losing money left and right...I am now working 4 hours a day and making 25% more cash :) Daily, to boot! I will also fulfill my service contract, which means that I will qualify for another raise in July!
It hasn't been without our little squabbles -- the stress of getting certain things taken care of has stressed me out, and instead of feeding into my anger he simply shrugs it off. He is always calm and collected, understanding... and our conversations have been quite fun.
I don't know where I would be without him -- and I'm learning that it's okay to reach out and ask for his help. It doesn't detract from my power to do what's necessary.
I found myself pausing for a moment as he was sleeping -- just watching him dream away while I was already wide awake. My parents don't understand our bond, our friends think we're in denial...but I couldn't care less. He's here. He's with me. And we are rolling forward.
We've decided on St. Louis -- keeps me in the Midwest (love it here!) while it gets him out of the super bible belt thing. I'm really excited. It's looking like we'll be going there around May 2012 - I want to make sure that it's warm enough and I'm not driving on heavy snow.
I think that's about it...lol... I knew this would be a gushy post.