here goes nothing.
i'm an absolute mess today. i haven't slept in 3 days, i haven't been eating, except chocolate, and i've come really close to crying in public a few times today. how embarrassing. only a few people besides those who witnessed it know about my recent breakup with shant. and even of those who know about it, only about 2 or 3 actually understand why i did it. well, i express myself best through writing, so maybe i should just try to get it down here, and then just refer everyone to this page. i have 20 minutes before i have to go to Encompass... what a shitty night for that. i doubt i'll even go to the afterparty. anyhow, here goes... why i broke up with shant:
1) The Intensity. This was a big reason. Basically what i mean by intensity, is the fact that shant is one of the most intense people i know. which is WONDERFUL, he loves life and is passionate about everything, and in my opinion there aren't enough people like that in the world today. BUT, it carried over to a few things that i just couldn't handle. like it wasn't right for ME. for example, and i've explained this to him before, at one point in the relationship i realized i wasn't completely comfortable saying i love you, and i wanted to take a clean break from it so i could have time to think about it and say it again when i knew for sure i really meant it. this was incredibly important to me, and i took it very seriously, because i didn't want to be saying it and not meaning it. anyhow, he told me he'd give me that time and space, and i know he really wanted to, even though it hurt him a lot. but he just COULDN'T DO IT. it wasn't even 24 hours before he was asking me about it. "do you know yet?" "how long do you think it will take you?" "you're going to class now right? it's a lecture right? it'll be boring right? can you think about whether or not you love me in class?" "marin i'm going to say it to you even though you can't say it back." all of this was not only incredibly stressful and depressing, but it made me realize he just couldn't do what i needed him to do. when i say i love you again i really felt it, but i really resented the fact that he couldn't do that simple thing for me. you'd think he'd want to do it, so he'd know for sure i meant it when i said it, and i'm sure he wanted to do it, but he just fucking couldn't. and that wasn't cool with me. other things were like that too. VERY intense. always talking about his feelings, and asking about my feelings, and getting upset (mostly sarcastically and jokingly but still) when i didn't respond the way he wanted me to. he would get offended when i wouldn't call him, or initiate the "i love you" but instead wait for him to do it, and when i wasn't romantic, and didn't call him "sweetie", etc. but in my mind, he never really gave me a CHANCE. like i would wake up in the morning, and instead of having the instinct to call him i wouldn't, because i KNEW within 5 minutes he'd probably be calling me. only on days when i didn't hear from him i really wanted to call him, and did. like it was really overwhelming. and with "i love you", i knew he'd always initiate it, so it didn't even occur to me to do so. anyhow, things like that, i never did, because i knew he'd do them. and i didn't FEEL them, because i was so overwhelmed and a bit irritated by HIS always feeling them, etc. anyhow, enough on this issue. moving on.
2) The Confinement. he told me he thought i was playing games with him, and he was probably right. which is another reason this needed to end. i clearly wasn't ready to give up the option of flirting with other guys. like i definitely had the urge to hook up with other people at parties and whatnot, although it wasn't until very recently that i really felt like that. in the beginning i didn't at all, and i told him that (which was a change from steve). but, since i would do anything to avoid cheating on someone, i'll always break up if i think something's going to happen with another guy, and if i want it to. so realizing that i wasn't ready to stop being single was a big thing. also, no matter what he says, he plays major games too. and although i agree with him that sometimes i have a hard time seeing things from his perspective, HE DOES THE FUCKING SAME THING and can't admit it. BIG example, he was upset i sat on another guy's lap at the party friday, which is understandable, and he's right i probably only did it and told him about it cuz i knew it would piss him off but also cuz i wanted him to understand that i wanted to do it because i had the desire to flirt with other guys, but at the same time, that made him mad, but i wasn't supposed to get mad when he gave lindsay what can only be referred to as a "wall dance" haha, when if i had done that with ANY guy EVER, shant would run out and buy a gun. and i'm not even fucking kidding, he would. anyhow i don't want to dwell on that, but i did feel very confined, and i hateddddd that. and he was right, i was playing games. and it wasn't fair to either of us. he would always talk about how "perfect" our relationship was, and how incredibly happy i made him. but i wasn't happy. and i was hurting him, which made him not happy. so that's a very valid reason to end things.
3) The TRUST. biggest issue of them all. i have always had and most likely will always have problems trusting him. he thinks it's because i can't trust myself, or because of issues i've had in the past (not with other guys, because i usually date "safe" guys to avoid having to care about trusting them, but with other people), and those are probably 2 of the reasons, but also, i had reason not to trust him in particular. i won't get into them here, because i can't, and i refuse to, and this is probably the one reason for breaking up with him that he will NEVER understand, because i'll probably never be able to give him a full account of why i feel this way, maybe i don't even completely understand it myself. but just understand it's a big part of it, but even without these issues, there's still the other stuff, which is reason enough. anyhow, i've run out of time, and i think i've probably said most of the important stuff, so i'm out.
later all.
off to encompass... to see my family and friends... i think i'm going to cry--again. i'm really hating this.
p.s. another thing... like i said before, he accuses me of playing games, and doing little things to make him jealous, and he hates it, but what do you call this:
him, 2 nites ago: "yeah well you can just leave my stuff with mandy instead of tom, i'll probably be seeing her soon, we've become really tight."
him, this morning: "yeah well don't feel sorry for me, don't flatter yourself, i had a kickass nite last nite, met a few people, you know..." (i'm not even going to ask what that means...)
so why does he do that!?!?! yeah it's frustrating as HELL. ok i'm done. i could probably go on for pages. bye...
1) The Intensity. This was a big reason. Basically what i mean by intensity, is the fact that shant is one of the most intense people i know. which is WONDERFUL, he loves life and is passionate about everything, and in my opinion there aren't enough people like that in the world today. BUT, it carried over to a few things that i just couldn't handle. like it wasn't right for ME. for example, and i've explained this to him before, at one point in the relationship i realized i wasn't completely comfortable saying i love you, and i wanted to take a clean break from it so i could have time to think about it and say it again when i knew for sure i really meant it. this was incredibly important to me, and i took it very seriously, because i didn't want to be saying it and not meaning it. anyhow, he told me he'd give me that time and space, and i know he really wanted to, even though it hurt him a lot. but he just COULDN'T DO IT. it wasn't even 24 hours before he was asking me about it. "do you know yet?" "how long do you think it will take you?" "you're going to class now right? it's a lecture right? it'll be boring right? can you think about whether or not you love me in class?" "marin i'm going to say it to you even though you can't say it back." all of this was not only incredibly stressful and depressing, but it made me realize he just couldn't do what i needed him to do. when i say i love you again i really felt it, but i really resented the fact that he couldn't do that simple thing for me. you'd think he'd want to do it, so he'd know for sure i meant it when i said it, and i'm sure he wanted to do it, but he just fucking couldn't. and that wasn't cool with me. other things were like that too. VERY intense. always talking about his feelings, and asking about my feelings, and getting upset (mostly sarcastically and jokingly but still) when i didn't respond the way he wanted me to. he would get offended when i wouldn't call him, or initiate the "i love you" but instead wait for him to do it, and when i wasn't romantic, and didn't call him "sweetie", etc. but in my mind, he never really gave me a CHANCE. like i would wake up in the morning, and instead of having the instinct to call him i wouldn't, because i KNEW within 5 minutes he'd probably be calling me. only on days when i didn't hear from him i really wanted to call him, and did. like it was really overwhelming. and with "i love you", i knew he'd always initiate it, so it didn't even occur to me to do so. anyhow, things like that, i never did, because i knew he'd do them. and i didn't FEEL them, because i was so overwhelmed and a bit irritated by HIS always feeling them, etc. anyhow, enough on this issue. moving on.
2) The Confinement. he told me he thought i was playing games with him, and he was probably right. which is another reason this needed to end. i clearly wasn't ready to give up the option of flirting with other guys. like i definitely had the urge to hook up with other people at parties and whatnot, although it wasn't until very recently that i really felt like that. in the beginning i didn't at all, and i told him that (which was a change from steve). but, since i would do anything to avoid cheating on someone, i'll always break up if i think something's going to happen with another guy, and if i want it to. so realizing that i wasn't ready to stop being single was a big thing. also, no matter what he says, he plays major games too. and although i agree with him that sometimes i have a hard time seeing things from his perspective, HE DOES THE FUCKING SAME THING and can't admit it. BIG example, he was upset i sat on another guy's lap at the party friday, which is understandable, and he's right i probably only did it and told him about it cuz i knew it would piss him off but also cuz i wanted him to understand that i wanted to do it because i had the desire to flirt with other guys, but at the same time, that made him mad, but i wasn't supposed to get mad when he gave lindsay what can only be referred to as a "wall dance" haha, when if i had done that with ANY guy EVER, shant would run out and buy a gun. and i'm not even fucking kidding, he would. anyhow i don't want to dwell on that, but i did feel very confined, and i hateddddd that. and he was right, i was playing games. and it wasn't fair to either of us. he would always talk about how "perfect" our relationship was, and how incredibly happy i made him. but i wasn't happy. and i was hurting him, which made him not happy. so that's a very valid reason to end things.
3) The TRUST. biggest issue of them all. i have always had and most likely will always have problems trusting him. he thinks it's because i can't trust myself, or because of issues i've had in the past (not with other guys, because i usually date "safe" guys to avoid having to care about trusting them, but with other people), and those are probably 2 of the reasons, but also, i had reason not to trust him in particular. i won't get into them here, because i can't, and i refuse to, and this is probably the one reason for breaking up with him that he will NEVER understand, because i'll probably never be able to give him a full account of why i feel this way, maybe i don't even completely understand it myself. but just understand it's a big part of it, but even without these issues, there's still the other stuff, which is reason enough. anyhow, i've run out of time, and i think i've probably said most of the important stuff, so i'm out.
later all.
off to encompass... to see my family and friends... i think i'm going to cry--again. i'm really hating this.
p.s. another thing... like i said before, he accuses me of playing games, and doing little things to make him jealous, and he hates it, but what do you call this:
him, 2 nites ago: "yeah well you can just leave my stuff with mandy instead of tom, i'll probably be seeing her soon, we've become really tight."
him, this morning: "yeah well don't feel sorry for me, don't flatter yourself, i had a kickass nite last nite, met a few people, you know..." (i'm not even going to ask what that means...)
so why does he do that!?!?! yeah it's frustrating as HELL. ok i'm done. i could probably go on for pages. bye...