Unstoppable. Trains, that is.
Not as bad as the previews suggested, but still, more than worthy of snark. If you do choose to see it, I suggest waiting for the DVD and fast forwarding through the boring first third of the film and just going straight to the parts with the UNSTOPPABLE TRAIN. Trust me, you won't be missing much except for Chris Pine's underwear. Which, granted, might be a selling point for some of you.
Film OPENS with credits helpfully INFORMING us that this movie is BASED ON true, if slightly LESS EXCITING events.* Screen FILLS with lots of OMINOUS and CLEARLY EVIL trains.
Chris Pine: In keeping with my new sex model role, I shall start by appearing merely in my undies in front of the disapproving gaze of the person who will turn out to be my brother. This will give you an idea of the despair that fills my life and the other thing that fills my undies. Also, I have a TRAGIC life that will be used later to derail the plot if not the train.
Cute kids: Hi! To bring some tension into the film, we are HERE to SEE TRAINS, although as it turns out, we are NOT foreshadowing DOOM and DESTRUCTION, to the general disappointment of people hoping to see cute kids in danger.
Entire state of Pennsylvania: For the record, we do, in fact, occasionally see the sun here.
Chris Pine: I shall now try to contact my wife, even though, as we will find out, she has a RESTRAINING ORDER against me and this is my first day of work at a new job so I should probably get a move on, with the added benefit that moving on will get us to RUNAWAY TRAIN faster. My. What an ominous looking train depot. Let me add tension to the film by mentioning unions, although you'd think that an UNSTOPPABLE TRAIN filled with toxic chemicals would, you know, be kinda tense enough. Hi everyone!
Mean supervisor: Hey, I've got some CUTE KIDS coming, so, you know, clear the track already and forget about safety issues.
Cute kids CLIMB on train and START YELLING, immediately LOSING audience sympathy.
Dewey: Hi! I'm overweight and distinctly pudgy and therefore, as we will soon learn, COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT. Also I am mad at my mean supervisor who is yelling at me to hurry up and stop focusing on donuts so we can have a nice train yard for the cute kids. I shall therefore disengage a brake, although my reasons for doing so are kinda unclear, and get this 39 car train filled with toxic chemicals going, if surprisingly slowly.
Denzel: Fortunately, this initial slowness of the 39 car train gives me plenty of time to establish my Wise Black Man and Helpful to Clueless White Dudes everywhere credentials, formed from my inevitably Tragic Past which we shall bring up later in a dull part of the film instead of this dull part of the film.
Old dude: Also, this shall give me some time to make a nasty comment about Chris Pine that will later lead to my explosive death.
Train workers: Rather than worry about safety, let's think about lunch!
Chris Pine's brother: In what will be the first of many amazing coincidences, your custody hearing was moved up to today, which will be even MORE inexplicable when we later learn that the legal process for this started just two weeks ago. But moving on! Custody hearing!
Chris Pine: Alas. Instead of going to court, I must get on a train and get yelled at by Denzel Washington.
Cinematographer: MORE GREY!
Dewey: Clearly, the only way I can stop this 39 car train that is currently only moving about two miles an hour is to jump OFF it, leaving it without a single person onboard capable of applying a nice train brake, and run to the switch ahead to change it, because my equally incompetent coworker is standing behind the train yelling instead of doing something useful like switching the switch. Remarkably enough this nonsensical plan would have worked if I were only SKINNIER. Alas.
Dewey and equally incompetent and unhelpful but less pudgy coworker stand and WATCH the train go by instead of trying to jump on one of the cargo cars.
Dewey: Well, that sucks.
Coworker: At least we now have a movie.
Denzel: Because this movie does not have enough astonishing coincidences already, it also JUST HAPPENS to be right after my daughter's birthday, which despite my Wise Man status, I completely forgot. I'm great with trains, crap with the parenting. If ONLY I could DO something to prove that I'm really a HERO and love her very much.
Camera: Hi! I'm SPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Get used to this because I'm going to be doing a lot of it even when I really don't need to.
Chris Pine: Because I am all focused on my otherwise irrelevant custody/restraining order hearing that for some reason is going on without me, I will accidentally add more cars to the not running away train that I'm on.
Denzel: Good, because this allows me to launch into a speech about young guys forcing us into early retirement, which might make this movie seem, you know, deep, except, not so much.
Dewey and incompetent coworker: We kinda lost the train.
Rosario: It's a train, not a chipmunk. (Real quote.) GO CATCH THAT TRAIN! It's running straight towards a train filled with exciting cute kids! And since I have reasons to doubt your ability, let me call a welder for assistance!
Welder: I am so not goofing off by flirting with a waitress over breakfast right now. Runaway train? I'm there.
The entire state of Pennsylvania: Just for the record, we have occasionally been known to have sun. We're just saying.
Denzel: My daughters are Hooters waitresses. This may not seem important to you now, but this will be important for raising the sexiness quotient in the film later when they can appear in bouncing Hooters shirt, since, alas, we can't have you, Chris Pine, stop the train wearing only your undies.
Federal Safety Inspector: By a remarkable coincidence, I just happen to be visiting you on the day where you just happen to be having a runaway train.
Film CUTS to small cute kid so we can remember just what's at stake here.
Rosario: I'd chat with you, federal safety inspector, except, I have a problem. The train is filled with toxic chemicals and I don't know where the train is! Let me have an argument to increase the tension.
Tension FAILS to increase.
Welder: The reason we don't know where the train is is because it already shot past us. We don't just have a COASTER, we have a FULL POWERED TRAIN HURTLING ALONG THE TRACKS. How come I, the welder, was the first person to realize this? Hey, incompetent employees! Go chase the train!
Dewey and incompetent coworker: Under the circumstances, it's impressive and extraordinarily misguided of you to suggest this, but, sure, we'll go chase the train.
Cute kids YELL loudly. Some members of the audience, NOT MENTIONING NAMES, wait in hope that train will SMASH cute kids and END the yelling. Alas, thanks to the UNEXPECTED but HEARTWARMING bravery and forethought of the train engineer and whoever switches the switches the runaway train HURLS PAST the cute screaming kids not killing anyone.
Film: Well, ok, yes, that was a waste of the cute kids, but, on the bright side, we can start the movie now. GO TRAIN!
Denzel and Chris Pine: Or, you know, we can stop the action dead for some quiet moments while we hook up the not-runaway-train to some cars with zinc.
Chris Pine is SMACKED with a 30 day restraining order, which so upsets him that he ACCIDENTALLY adds TOO MANY CARS to his not-running-away train. Denzel is DEEPLY UNSYMPATHETIC.
Evil corporate executive: How do you plan to stop the runaway train?
Rosario: Hollywood special effects! Er, that is, we're working on it. Right now I have the same two guys who let the train go in the first place trying to jump on it.
Evil corporate executive:...hold, please.
Dewey: Alas, I am also too pudgy to jump onto the runaway train and save everyone from my gross incompetence. Oh, and I almost lost a hand. I hope you feel sorry for me.
Denzel: This is the real world! Not training! Out here, PEOPLE DIE!
Chris Pine: On freight trains?
Denzel: IT'S A HOLLYWOOD FILM! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! PAY ATTENTION CAPTAIN KIRK! And, conveniently enough, to prove my point, the dispatcher is now telling us about a runaway train heading straight towards us. You'd think we would have noticed the giveaway, the helicopter, with this.
Media: Hi! We're here to watch the runaway train and also provide ongoing commentary that will tell the movie audience exactly what they just saw on the screen. This will get deeply annoying, but, you know, we're the media. What did you expect?
Federal safety inspector: By yet another remarkable coincidence, I just happen to know everything about the chemicals on the runaway train. It's serious stuff! Toxic! Flammable! It makes glue!
Rosario: That means it's not just a train! It's a missile! We need to derail it in farmland so it only poisons groundwater and kills people slowly instead of burning them alive in a city!
Evil corporate executive: Nah. We ran the numbers, and it will actually be cheaper to fly in a Marine dangling from a helicopter and have him jump on a train while another train gets rammed by the runaway train than to make the runaway train fall into farmland. Did we mention that our accountants used to work for AIG and Goldman Sachs?
Meanwhile, at a train crossing, the media is ARGUING with some cops as an OLD GUY in a truck, hurtling TOWARDS the crossing, suddenly NOTICES a cop waving his arms and SWERVES into a HORSE TRAILER, sending some CUTE HORSES into the RAILWAY CROSSING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE RUNAWAY TRAIN. Horses REAR DRAMATICALLY and NEIGH. People DESPERATELY PULL at the horses and SCREAM but the train IGNORES THEM AND GOES SMUSH INTO THE HORSE TRAILER sending it FLYING, coincidentally PREVENTING the welder from THROWING THE SWITCH that could have...um, done SOMETHING TO THE TRAIN.
Old guy: In retrospect can I mention that you could have just put the railway crossing rails down instead of waving and me and freaking me into the horse trailer and saving all of us?
Dispatcher: Crap! Thanks to the horse trailer, Denzel and Chris Pine are heading RIGHT FOR THE RUNAWAY TRAIN! Quick, go to the side track!
Denzel: Nah, we're going to go for the rip track instead, technically because supposedly we have too many cars, like, thanks Chris, but mostly because rip track sounds cooler.
Railway executives: Derailing the train will cost us like $100 million.
Railway owner: Well, that would interrupt my golf game. So, you know, go with the Marine idea.
Welder: I need a police escort so I can do something dramatic later! I'm not sure what that is now, and frankly, when it comes up later, my need for a police escort will not be at all clear, but, you know, escort me!
Media: EVACUATE THE TOWNS! CAUSE PANIC!
Curious onlookers: Thanks, but, you know, if we stand here and use our cell phones, we can put this on YouTube, so we'll just do that and brave the toxic chemicals.
Small train, coincidentally engineered by the OLD GUY who was MEAN to Chris Pines earlier, gets IN FRONT of the runaway train. Helicopters CIRCLE ABOVE, including an IMPORTANT HELICOPTER dangling a MARINE who has just RETURNED FROM AFGHANISTAN. Runaway train SLAMS into little train. Helicopters and camera GO NUTS.
Dispatcher: SLOW THE TRAIN DOWN!
Small train dude: Yes, yes, I'm aware of the plan. Alas, the script is telling me that it's going to take me some time to slow down the freight train, thus allowing the Marine to DANGLE DRAMATICALLY for longer! And allow Denzel and Chris who for some reason are also on this track to GET CLOSER!
Marine DANGLES and DROPS onto the RUNAWAY TRAIN. This GOES BADLY. Runaway train, now called 777, gleefully PLOWS THROUGH LITTLE TRAIN and sends the LITTLE TRAIN rolling off the tracks and rolling OVER AND OVER until it EXPLODES killing the OLD GUY.
Media: I.,.I can't believe how crazy that was.
Chris Pine: For some inexplicable reason, even though we are out of sight of the runaway train, we have a clear view of that explosion which is much closer than the dialogue would indicate. I think we need a new film editor.
Denzel: Or script. On that subject, I should probably call my daughters.
Evil railway executives: We don't want to be critical, but why are we learning about Denzel and Chris approaching the runaway train at high speed from the media?
Denzel and Chris SPEED towards the RUNAWAY TRAIN, desperately trying to REACH the RIP TRACK before the RUNAWAY TRAIN HITS THEM. Alas, the RUNAWAY TRAIN SLAMS into the LAST CAR of their train sending it FLYING, but not SLOWING DOWN the RUNAWAY TRAIN AT ALL.
Chris: The runaway train is heading towards Scranton! Gulp! I have family there! Now I'm concerned!
Denzel: I know! I'll stop the train by, um, catching up to it and then hooking up to it and pulling it backwards. It's not at all clear how I can do this given the number of freight cars in my way, but no one has come up with a better plan, so, yay.
Chris: This makes no sense, but we must save Scranton! Let's go!
Evil railway executives: We are going to use a portable derailer to derail the train and spill chemicals everywhere, to prove we know what we're doing.
Runaway train: Ha, hah!
Denzel: I've been running trains for 28 years and your portable derailer won't work. Don't ask me how I know so much about derailing trains when in theory my goal should be making sure trains don't derail.
Railway executive: Stop your pursuit or I will fire you!
Denzel: Ha, ha! You already did, thus showing that this film is not really about RUNAWAY trains, but rather a METAPHOR about the EVILS of CORPORATE CULTURE. Oh. Who am I kidding. Come to think of it I'm not sure why I'm not just letting the train go and kill everyone already.
Chris Pine: Hi! I'm the conductor. We're going to run this bitch down!
Railway executive: You're fired!
Chris Pine: Goes with the restraining order. So, what are we doing now?
The entire state of Pennsylvania: Again, for the record, we would like to note that we do, indeed, get sun.
Denzel: Since we're about to die, what's up with your marriage?
Chris: Well, I caught my wife reading text messages, so, I, er, threatened a cop with a gun. Best part, the messages were from her sister-in-law which suggests an incest subtext that we might all be better not focusing on.
Denzel: Well, it's never too late for life to improve!
Media: In a desperate attempt to restore tension to this film after that scene, we shall ask IF THIS TRAIN CAN BE STOPPED!!!!!
Police: Maybe.
In the hands down best moment of the film, police pull out SHOTGUNS and carefully AIM at the runaway train before SHOOTING AT IT and MISSING.
Police: We are stunned that our shotguns were unable to stop a runaway freight train that could not be stopped by another train and a Marine just MOMENTS EARLIER.
Media: Also, not to freak you or anything, but if your trick with the shotguns had worked, you would have made the train BLOW UP because you were SHOOTING ITS FUEL TANKS.
Police: Let's move on!
Runaway Train: I am so awesome I shall push my way through this derailment thingie just the way Denzel said I would. Also I am now, thanks to the miracles of poor film editing, going at constantly switching speeds even while the dialogue says I'm speeding up. Whatever. I am awesome and ABOUT TO KILL EVERYONE IN SCRANTON. GO me!
Denzel: Since we're opening up, my wife died of cancer. Based on this, I think you should ignore your restraining order and call your wife.
Denzel and Chris's families GATHER around television sets to WATCH the train stopping thing. This coincidentally ALLOWS the camera to LINGER over the breasts of the HOOTERS waitresses.
Film: To add to the non existent tension, I shall remind you that Scranton is only 11 miles away.
Welder: And to remind you that I'm in the film, I shall...chase the train with my pickup truck. This is not a very fast train, is it?
Chris' wife: Although you scared me to the point where I got a restraining order, and although I've refused to talk to you for weeks, I'm so impressed that you are trying to stop the train that I shall try to call you at the worst possible moment right as you are walking to put the trains together. I'm not altogether sure why you wanted to save this marriage to begin with.
Media: Allow us to make the helpful observation that something has gone wrong.
Denzel: It might just be because your media helicopters are hovering SO CLOSE to us that we are forced to use handsignals instead of our radios because of the NOISE.
Chris, REALIZING that the not runaway train is not really hooked up to the not runaway train decides to FALL BETWEEN THEM to replace some pin, causing SPARKS to FLY EVERYWHERE, crushing HIS FOOT but remarkably doing NO DAMAGE to his face. Star Trek fans SIGH in RELIEF.
Denzel: Hmm. This is why trains should be equipped with tourniquets. Keep your boot on and, um, wrap this thing around the bleeding. That should help. Look, I'm a train guy, not a doctor.
Rosario: How's Chris?
Denzel: He's different.
Film suddenly REALIZES that although the trains are now LOCKED TOGETHER, for maximum DRAMATIC EFFECT the train CANNOT BE ALLOWED to SLOW DOWN until it hits the GREAT ELEVATED CURVE where it could EASILY FALL OVER and SMASH INTO FUEL TANKS.
Scranton: In retrospect perhaps putting fuel tanks directly below an elevated train was not our brightest move.
Federal safety inspector: To increase tension, I shall wring my hands.
Camera: And I'll go SWINGING ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN! We have a couple more miles until the GREAT CURVE and somebody MUST DO SOMETHING!
Denzel: We're hitting the curve too hot!
Camera: MORE SWINGING!
Chris: Well. I'm bleeding here. Wait! What about the brakes on the individual cars?
Denzel: Will that let me look heroic?
Chris: Sure!
Denzel: Ok then!
Denzel RUNS along the TOPS of the TRAIN CARS as they speed along at whatever speed the script wants them to speed at at whatever particular moment we are seeing and WHEELS the INDIVIDUAL BRAKES. Hooters waitresses CHEER and JIGGLE BREASTS, making the camera SPIN AGAIN.
Chris: We're at 34 miles per hour!
Media: Astoundingly, despite our announcement of a mandatory evacuation of Scranton because of certain toxic doom, an astonishing number of extras are standing around taking pictures. It's almost as if...nobody trusts us. But how could that be?
Chris: Whoops! Our train - the not-runaway train for those not paying attention - has LOST ITS BRAKES! AND WE'RE ON A BRIDGE!
Runaway train SPEEDS onto the GREAT CURVE, THREATENING the entire town of Scranton BELOW. Train TEETERS dramatically as the music swells. Cargo FLIES. Sparks shoot everywhere. Remarkably, NO ONE IS HURT. [Incidentally, this film had a far smaller death toll than its premise and trailer promised - I think the total death count was only two, although how the Marine made it is an excellent and unanswered question.] Engineers CHEER.
Denzel, to be helpful: We're THROUGH THE CURVE!
Media: But, just so we're clear, this is still the WORST DISASTER EVER. Also, the train is now SPEEDING UP.
Runaway train: Mwaaahhaaahhha!
Denzel: Although I just managed the remarkable feat of running along the top of a train going 70 miles per hour, I am absolutely stymied at my attempt to get to the final car. Somebody, somebody, please tell me that some white guys are going to be able to save us in the end!
At this convenient moment, the white guy WELDER comes RUSHING UP in his PICKUP TRUCK, RACING THE RUNAWAY TRAIN, CHASED by COP CARS, one of which FLIPS UP AND OVER AND OVER making a nice satisfying CRUNCHY SOUND.
Welder, to Chris Pine: Jump into the truck from the train!
Chris: I'm still bleeding, but sure!
Welder, to Chris: Now, I'm going to race back to the front of the train, and you are going to jump from the pickup truck onto the train, even though your foot is STILL BLEEDING and the guy who tried to jump on a train from a truck before this FAILED. Then again he was overweight and you are Captain Kirk, so, JUMP ALREADY!
Chris JUMPS on and STOPS the train.
Stunned railway executives: Are you telling us that all we ACTUALLY had to do, to STOP THIS TRAIN and the resulting MEDIA DISASTER, was CHASE IT with a PICKUP TRUCK so somebody could JUMP ON IT?
Police: Don't ask us. We wanted to shoot it.
Oddly enough, the chief problem with this film? It's not bad enough. Because, frankly, when you reach the point where, as a screenwriter, you feel compelled to have a scene showing the police trying to stop a train with shotguns, it's time to relax and embrace the badness. But sadly, none of the rest of the film aspired to that level of lunacy (although the jumping on and off the pickup truck was a close second) and the end result was something too bad to be taken seriously - but just not quite bad enough, leaving a general impression of dreariness. (The grey filter on every camera did not help.)
*According to IMDB.com, the actual runaway train event occurred in Ohio, not Pennsylvania, and did not involve a single injury or Marine, or, as far as I can tell, a horse.
Film OPENS with credits helpfully INFORMING us that this movie is BASED ON true, if slightly LESS EXCITING events.* Screen FILLS with lots of OMINOUS and CLEARLY EVIL trains.
Chris Pine: In keeping with my new sex model role, I shall start by appearing merely in my undies in front of the disapproving gaze of the person who will turn out to be my brother. This will give you an idea of the despair that fills my life and the other thing that fills my undies. Also, I have a TRAGIC life that will be used later to derail the plot if not the train.
Cute kids: Hi! To bring some tension into the film, we are HERE to SEE TRAINS, although as it turns out, we are NOT foreshadowing DOOM and DESTRUCTION, to the general disappointment of people hoping to see cute kids in danger.
Entire state of Pennsylvania: For the record, we do, in fact, occasionally see the sun here.
Chris Pine: I shall now try to contact my wife, even though, as we will find out, she has a RESTRAINING ORDER against me and this is my first day of work at a new job so I should probably get a move on, with the added benefit that moving on will get us to RUNAWAY TRAIN faster. My. What an ominous looking train depot. Let me add tension to the film by mentioning unions, although you'd think that an UNSTOPPABLE TRAIN filled with toxic chemicals would, you know, be kinda tense enough. Hi everyone!
Mean supervisor: Hey, I've got some CUTE KIDS coming, so, you know, clear the track already and forget about safety issues.
Cute kids CLIMB on train and START YELLING, immediately LOSING audience sympathy.
Dewey: Hi! I'm overweight and distinctly pudgy and therefore, as we will soon learn, COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT. Also I am mad at my mean supervisor who is yelling at me to hurry up and stop focusing on donuts so we can have a nice train yard for the cute kids. I shall therefore disengage a brake, although my reasons for doing so are kinda unclear, and get this 39 car train filled with toxic chemicals going, if surprisingly slowly.
Denzel: Fortunately, this initial slowness of the 39 car train gives me plenty of time to establish my Wise Black Man and Helpful to Clueless White Dudes everywhere credentials, formed from my inevitably Tragic Past which we shall bring up later in a dull part of the film instead of this dull part of the film.
Old dude: Also, this shall give me some time to make a nasty comment about Chris Pine that will later lead to my explosive death.
Train workers: Rather than worry about safety, let's think about lunch!
Chris Pine's brother: In what will be the first of many amazing coincidences, your custody hearing was moved up to today, which will be even MORE inexplicable when we later learn that the legal process for this started just two weeks ago. But moving on! Custody hearing!
Chris Pine: Alas. Instead of going to court, I must get on a train and get yelled at by Denzel Washington.
Cinematographer: MORE GREY!
Dewey: Clearly, the only way I can stop this 39 car train that is currently only moving about two miles an hour is to jump OFF it, leaving it without a single person onboard capable of applying a nice train brake, and run to the switch ahead to change it, because my equally incompetent coworker is standing behind the train yelling instead of doing something useful like switching the switch. Remarkably enough this nonsensical plan would have worked if I were only SKINNIER. Alas.
Dewey and equally incompetent and unhelpful but less pudgy coworker stand and WATCH the train go by instead of trying to jump on one of the cargo cars.
Dewey: Well, that sucks.
Coworker: At least we now have a movie.
Denzel: Because this movie does not have enough astonishing coincidences already, it also JUST HAPPENS to be right after my daughter's birthday, which despite my Wise Man status, I completely forgot. I'm great with trains, crap with the parenting. If ONLY I could DO something to prove that I'm really a HERO and love her very much.
Camera: Hi! I'm SPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG! Get used to this because I'm going to be doing a lot of it even when I really don't need to.
Chris Pine: Because I am all focused on my otherwise irrelevant custody/restraining order hearing that for some reason is going on without me, I will accidentally add more cars to the not running away train that I'm on.
Denzel: Good, because this allows me to launch into a speech about young guys forcing us into early retirement, which might make this movie seem, you know, deep, except, not so much.
Dewey and incompetent coworker: We kinda lost the train.
Rosario: It's a train, not a chipmunk. (Real quote.) GO CATCH THAT TRAIN! It's running straight towards a train filled with exciting cute kids! And since I have reasons to doubt your ability, let me call a welder for assistance!
Welder: I am so not goofing off by flirting with a waitress over breakfast right now. Runaway train? I'm there.
The entire state of Pennsylvania: Just for the record, we have occasionally been known to have sun. We're just saying.
Denzel: My daughters are Hooters waitresses. This may not seem important to you now, but this will be important for raising the sexiness quotient in the film later when they can appear in bouncing Hooters shirt, since, alas, we can't have you, Chris Pine, stop the train wearing only your undies.
Federal Safety Inspector: By a remarkable coincidence, I just happen to be visiting you on the day where you just happen to be having a runaway train.
Film CUTS to small cute kid so we can remember just what's at stake here.
Rosario: I'd chat with you, federal safety inspector, except, I have a problem. The train is filled with toxic chemicals and I don't know where the train is! Let me have an argument to increase the tension.
Tension FAILS to increase.
Welder: The reason we don't know where the train is is because it already shot past us. We don't just have a COASTER, we have a FULL POWERED TRAIN HURTLING ALONG THE TRACKS. How come I, the welder, was the first person to realize this? Hey, incompetent employees! Go chase the train!
Dewey and incompetent coworker: Under the circumstances, it's impressive and extraordinarily misguided of you to suggest this, but, sure, we'll go chase the train.
Cute kids YELL loudly. Some members of the audience, NOT MENTIONING NAMES, wait in hope that train will SMASH cute kids and END the yelling. Alas, thanks to the UNEXPECTED but HEARTWARMING bravery and forethought of the train engineer and whoever switches the switches the runaway train HURLS PAST the cute screaming kids not killing anyone.
Film: Well, ok, yes, that was a waste of the cute kids, but, on the bright side, we can start the movie now. GO TRAIN!
Denzel and Chris Pine: Or, you know, we can stop the action dead for some quiet moments while we hook up the not-runaway-train to some cars with zinc.
Chris Pine is SMACKED with a 30 day restraining order, which so upsets him that he ACCIDENTALLY adds TOO MANY CARS to his not-running-away train. Denzel is DEEPLY UNSYMPATHETIC.
Evil corporate executive: How do you plan to stop the runaway train?
Rosario: Hollywood special effects! Er, that is, we're working on it. Right now I have the same two guys who let the train go in the first place trying to jump on it.
Evil corporate executive:...hold, please.
Dewey: Alas, I am also too pudgy to jump onto the runaway train and save everyone from my gross incompetence. Oh, and I almost lost a hand. I hope you feel sorry for me.
Denzel: This is the real world! Not training! Out here, PEOPLE DIE!
Chris Pine: On freight trains?
Denzel: IT'S A HOLLYWOOD FILM! DEATH! DESTRUCTION! PAY ATTENTION CAPTAIN KIRK! And, conveniently enough, to prove my point, the dispatcher is now telling us about a runaway train heading straight towards us. You'd think we would have noticed the giveaway, the helicopter, with this.
Media: Hi! We're here to watch the runaway train and also provide ongoing commentary that will tell the movie audience exactly what they just saw on the screen. This will get deeply annoying, but, you know, we're the media. What did you expect?
Federal safety inspector: By yet another remarkable coincidence, I just happen to know everything about the chemicals on the runaway train. It's serious stuff! Toxic! Flammable! It makes glue!
Rosario: That means it's not just a train! It's a missile! We need to derail it in farmland so it only poisons groundwater and kills people slowly instead of burning them alive in a city!
Evil corporate executive: Nah. We ran the numbers, and it will actually be cheaper to fly in a Marine dangling from a helicopter and have him jump on a train while another train gets rammed by the runaway train than to make the runaway train fall into farmland. Did we mention that our accountants used to work for AIG and Goldman Sachs?
Meanwhile, at a train crossing, the media is ARGUING with some cops as an OLD GUY in a truck, hurtling TOWARDS the crossing, suddenly NOTICES a cop waving his arms and SWERVES into a HORSE TRAILER, sending some CUTE HORSES into the RAILWAY CROSSING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE RUNAWAY TRAIN. Horses REAR DRAMATICALLY and NEIGH. People DESPERATELY PULL at the horses and SCREAM but the train IGNORES THEM AND GOES SMUSH INTO THE HORSE TRAILER sending it FLYING, coincidentally PREVENTING the welder from THROWING THE SWITCH that could have...um, done SOMETHING TO THE TRAIN.
Old guy: In retrospect can I mention that you could have just put the railway crossing rails down instead of waving and me and freaking me into the horse trailer and saving all of us?
Dispatcher: Crap! Thanks to the horse trailer, Denzel and Chris Pine are heading RIGHT FOR THE RUNAWAY TRAIN! Quick, go to the side track!
Denzel: Nah, we're going to go for the rip track instead, technically because supposedly we have too many cars, like, thanks Chris, but mostly because rip track sounds cooler.
Railway executives: Derailing the train will cost us like $100 million.
Railway owner: Well, that would interrupt my golf game. So, you know, go with the Marine idea.
Welder: I need a police escort so I can do something dramatic later! I'm not sure what that is now, and frankly, when it comes up later, my need for a police escort will not be at all clear, but, you know, escort me!
Media: EVACUATE THE TOWNS! CAUSE PANIC!
Curious onlookers: Thanks, but, you know, if we stand here and use our cell phones, we can put this on YouTube, so we'll just do that and brave the toxic chemicals.
Small train, coincidentally engineered by the OLD GUY who was MEAN to Chris Pines earlier, gets IN FRONT of the runaway train. Helicopters CIRCLE ABOVE, including an IMPORTANT HELICOPTER dangling a MARINE who has just RETURNED FROM AFGHANISTAN. Runaway train SLAMS into little train. Helicopters and camera GO NUTS.
Dispatcher: SLOW THE TRAIN DOWN!
Small train dude: Yes, yes, I'm aware of the plan. Alas, the script is telling me that it's going to take me some time to slow down the freight train, thus allowing the Marine to DANGLE DRAMATICALLY for longer! And allow Denzel and Chris who for some reason are also on this track to GET CLOSER!
Marine DANGLES and DROPS onto the RUNAWAY TRAIN. This GOES BADLY. Runaway train, now called 777, gleefully PLOWS THROUGH LITTLE TRAIN and sends the LITTLE TRAIN rolling off the tracks and rolling OVER AND OVER until it EXPLODES killing the OLD GUY.
Media: I.,.I can't believe how crazy that was.
Chris Pine: For some inexplicable reason, even though we are out of sight of the runaway train, we have a clear view of that explosion which is much closer than the dialogue would indicate. I think we need a new film editor.
Denzel: Or script. On that subject, I should probably call my daughters.
Evil railway executives: We don't want to be critical, but why are we learning about Denzel and Chris approaching the runaway train at high speed from the media?
Denzel and Chris SPEED towards the RUNAWAY TRAIN, desperately trying to REACH the RIP TRACK before the RUNAWAY TRAIN HITS THEM. Alas, the RUNAWAY TRAIN SLAMS into the LAST CAR of their train sending it FLYING, but not SLOWING DOWN the RUNAWAY TRAIN AT ALL.
Chris: The runaway train is heading towards Scranton! Gulp! I have family there! Now I'm concerned!
Denzel: I know! I'll stop the train by, um, catching up to it and then hooking up to it and pulling it backwards. It's not at all clear how I can do this given the number of freight cars in my way, but no one has come up with a better plan, so, yay.
Chris: This makes no sense, but we must save Scranton! Let's go!
Evil railway executives: We are going to use a portable derailer to derail the train and spill chemicals everywhere, to prove we know what we're doing.
Runaway train: Ha, hah!
Denzel: I've been running trains for 28 years and your portable derailer won't work. Don't ask me how I know so much about derailing trains when in theory my goal should be making sure trains don't derail.
Railway executive: Stop your pursuit or I will fire you!
Denzel: Ha, ha! You already did, thus showing that this film is not really about RUNAWAY trains, but rather a METAPHOR about the EVILS of CORPORATE CULTURE. Oh. Who am I kidding. Come to think of it I'm not sure why I'm not just letting the train go and kill everyone already.
Chris Pine: Hi! I'm the conductor. We're going to run this bitch down!
Railway executive: You're fired!
Chris Pine: Goes with the restraining order. So, what are we doing now?
The entire state of Pennsylvania: Again, for the record, we would like to note that we do, indeed, get sun.
Denzel: Since we're about to die, what's up with your marriage?
Chris: Well, I caught my wife reading text messages, so, I, er, threatened a cop with a gun. Best part, the messages were from her sister-in-law which suggests an incest subtext that we might all be better not focusing on.
Denzel: Well, it's never too late for life to improve!
Media: In a desperate attempt to restore tension to this film after that scene, we shall ask IF THIS TRAIN CAN BE STOPPED!!!!!
Police: Maybe.
In the hands down best moment of the film, police pull out SHOTGUNS and carefully AIM at the runaway train before SHOOTING AT IT and MISSING.
Police: We are stunned that our shotguns were unable to stop a runaway freight train that could not be stopped by another train and a Marine just MOMENTS EARLIER.
Media: Also, not to freak you or anything, but if your trick with the shotguns had worked, you would have made the train BLOW UP because you were SHOOTING ITS FUEL TANKS.
Police: Let's move on!
Runaway Train: I am so awesome I shall push my way through this derailment thingie just the way Denzel said I would. Also I am now, thanks to the miracles of poor film editing, going at constantly switching speeds even while the dialogue says I'm speeding up. Whatever. I am awesome and ABOUT TO KILL EVERYONE IN SCRANTON. GO me!
Denzel: Since we're opening up, my wife died of cancer. Based on this, I think you should ignore your restraining order and call your wife.
Denzel and Chris's families GATHER around television sets to WATCH the train stopping thing. This coincidentally ALLOWS the camera to LINGER over the breasts of the HOOTERS waitresses.
Film: To add to the non existent tension, I shall remind you that Scranton is only 11 miles away.
Welder: And to remind you that I'm in the film, I shall...chase the train with my pickup truck. This is not a very fast train, is it?
Chris' wife: Although you scared me to the point where I got a restraining order, and although I've refused to talk to you for weeks, I'm so impressed that you are trying to stop the train that I shall try to call you at the worst possible moment right as you are walking to put the trains together. I'm not altogether sure why you wanted to save this marriage to begin with.
Media: Allow us to make the helpful observation that something has gone wrong.
Denzel: It might just be because your media helicopters are hovering SO CLOSE to us that we are forced to use handsignals instead of our radios because of the NOISE.
Chris, REALIZING that the not runaway train is not really hooked up to the not runaway train decides to FALL BETWEEN THEM to replace some pin, causing SPARKS to FLY EVERYWHERE, crushing HIS FOOT but remarkably doing NO DAMAGE to his face. Star Trek fans SIGH in RELIEF.
Denzel: Hmm. This is why trains should be equipped with tourniquets. Keep your boot on and, um, wrap this thing around the bleeding. That should help. Look, I'm a train guy, not a doctor.
Rosario: How's Chris?
Denzel: He's different.
Film suddenly REALIZES that although the trains are now LOCKED TOGETHER, for maximum DRAMATIC EFFECT the train CANNOT BE ALLOWED to SLOW DOWN until it hits the GREAT ELEVATED CURVE where it could EASILY FALL OVER and SMASH INTO FUEL TANKS.
Scranton: In retrospect perhaps putting fuel tanks directly below an elevated train was not our brightest move.
Federal safety inspector: To increase tension, I shall wring my hands.
Camera: And I'll go SWINGING ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND AGAIN! We have a couple more miles until the GREAT CURVE and somebody MUST DO SOMETHING!
Denzel: We're hitting the curve too hot!
Camera: MORE SWINGING!
Chris: Well. I'm bleeding here. Wait! What about the brakes on the individual cars?
Denzel: Will that let me look heroic?
Chris: Sure!
Denzel: Ok then!
Denzel RUNS along the TOPS of the TRAIN CARS as they speed along at whatever speed the script wants them to speed at at whatever particular moment we are seeing and WHEELS the INDIVIDUAL BRAKES. Hooters waitresses CHEER and JIGGLE BREASTS, making the camera SPIN AGAIN.
Chris: We're at 34 miles per hour!
Media: Astoundingly, despite our announcement of a mandatory evacuation of Scranton because of certain toxic doom, an astonishing number of extras are standing around taking pictures. It's almost as if...nobody trusts us. But how could that be?
Chris: Whoops! Our train - the not-runaway train for those not paying attention - has LOST ITS BRAKES! AND WE'RE ON A BRIDGE!
Runaway train SPEEDS onto the GREAT CURVE, THREATENING the entire town of Scranton BELOW. Train TEETERS dramatically as the music swells. Cargo FLIES. Sparks shoot everywhere. Remarkably, NO ONE IS HURT. [Incidentally, this film had a far smaller death toll than its premise and trailer promised - I think the total death count was only two, although how the Marine made it is an excellent and unanswered question.] Engineers CHEER.
Denzel, to be helpful: We're THROUGH THE CURVE!
Media: But, just so we're clear, this is still the WORST DISASTER EVER. Also, the train is now SPEEDING UP.
Runaway train: Mwaaahhaaahhha!
Denzel: Although I just managed the remarkable feat of running along the top of a train going 70 miles per hour, I am absolutely stymied at my attempt to get to the final car. Somebody, somebody, please tell me that some white guys are going to be able to save us in the end!
At this convenient moment, the white guy WELDER comes RUSHING UP in his PICKUP TRUCK, RACING THE RUNAWAY TRAIN, CHASED by COP CARS, one of which FLIPS UP AND OVER AND OVER making a nice satisfying CRUNCHY SOUND.
Welder, to Chris Pine: Jump into the truck from the train!
Chris: I'm still bleeding, but sure!
Welder, to Chris: Now, I'm going to race back to the front of the train, and you are going to jump from the pickup truck onto the train, even though your foot is STILL BLEEDING and the guy who tried to jump on a train from a truck before this FAILED. Then again he was overweight and you are Captain Kirk, so, JUMP ALREADY!
Chris JUMPS on and STOPS the train.
Stunned railway executives: Are you telling us that all we ACTUALLY had to do, to STOP THIS TRAIN and the resulting MEDIA DISASTER, was CHASE IT with a PICKUP TRUCK so somebody could JUMP ON IT?
Police: Don't ask us. We wanted to shoot it.
Oddly enough, the chief problem with this film? It's not bad enough. Because, frankly, when you reach the point where, as a screenwriter, you feel compelled to have a scene showing the police trying to stop a train with shotguns, it's time to relax and embrace the badness. But sadly, none of the rest of the film aspired to that level of lunacy (although the jumping on and off the pickup truck was a close second) and the end result was something too bad to be taken seriously - but just not quite bad enough, leaving a general impression of dreariness. (The grey filter on every camera did not help.)
*According to IMDB.com, the actual runaway train event occurred in Ohio, not Pennsylvania, and did not involve a single injury or Marine, or, as far as I can tell, a horse.