In Time
My initial reaction to this film, on Twitter, was that it was even worse than The Three Musketeers. After sleeping on this for a bit, I realized that I was wrong: The Three Musketeers is a much worse film on pretty much every level.
In Time is just more frustrating.
Largely because the concept is excellent, and here and there, the film allows us tiny glimpses of what it could have been, but wasn't. (Like, on a minor note, if the theme of your film is that everyone stops aging at 25, make sure that everyone looks 25, instead of, say, early to mid thirties, and cast actors who are actually in their mid twenties, instead of, say, early to mid thirties. Justin Timberlake is 30; Cillian Murphy 35, Vincent Kartheiser 32, Johnny Galecki 36, and so on. ) Unfortunately, aside from those tiny glimpses, the execution is mostly inept, and rather than an intriguing film about time, life, and class distinctions, we have a film about women wearing very uncomfortable clothing and some kinda inept chase scenes.
It's not the fault of the acting - even Justin Timberlake tries, and it's not his fault that his character's actions generally make little to no sense. Or the beautifully done, sometimes even intriguing camera work. No, this is the fault of just not thinking.
So, you know. Snark!
Opening narration: Because the title clearly is not a significant enough indicator, I shall repeat, over and over and over and over, the word "time." On the bright side this may slightly numb your ears to the continuous repetition of this word later in the film. Anyway! In this world, everyone stops aging at twenty five and has exactly ONE YEAR to live unless MORE TIME can be earned, or stolen. I am NOT SURE I've said the word TIME ENOUGH in this narration, so let's SAY IT SOME MORE.
Youthful mother: I have no time!
Will Timberlake, her son: I'll give you my time!
And he can, since people in this film can EXCHANGE TIME by GRASPING EACH OTHER'S WRISTS or HOLDING THE WRISTS in little TIME MACHINES. The impact of this on EVERYONE'S SEX LIFE, since you could easily STEAL EVERYONE'S TIME during orgasm, is left unexamined by everyone except the CURIOUS AUDIENCE.
Will and his mother EXCHANGE a warm and slightly OVERLOVING embrace, with ASSURANCES that they will meet up to celebrate her 50th birthday later. Sexy times are DEFINITELY IMPLIED, which is all KINDA OK since see they both APPEAR to be the same age and she is wearing VERY HOT and SLINKY dresses with VERY HIGH HEELS, but even with that thought, Will STILL FINDS time to whine that COFFEE now costs FOUR minutes of your life PLUS the time you need to drink it.
Person who has RUN OUT OF TIME: I'll just, topple over on the street then.
City officials: Yes, we'll just leave the TIME LOST people on the streets, because this whole time thing we've set up apparently means that no one gets sick or notices DECOMPOSING BODIES. (Not that we ever see these bodies decompose.)
All women in the film: Also, all of this FOCUS on TIME apparently means that we can only wear very very short skirts and impossibly high heels.
Will, in despair about life and the fact that he CAN'T SLEEP with his mother quite yet because she has to WORK to pay off their time loans, HEADS to a bar, where he meets and rescues a very sad and depressed but still impeccably dressed Matt Bomer from some GANGSTERS who can't decide if they are IRISH or BRITISH who want to steal Bomer's CENTURIES of TIME.
Matt Bomer: You don't understand! I needed to die!
Will: Because of the script?
Matt Bomer: That, and, for a few to be immortal, OTHERS MUST DIE. Listen to that closely because it MAY COME UP LATER. Have I put in ENOUGH LONG PAUSES in this DIALOGUE sequence yet?
Sad violins BEGIN TO PLAY. No. Really. Sad violins BEGIN TO PLAY.
Will: It does get better!
S: Too bad the acting doesn't!
Unsurprisingly unconvinced by the TERRIBLE ACTING, Matt Bomer GIVES AWAY most of his time to Will, leaving himself JUST ENOUGH TIME to go to a bridge and FALL OFF IT, leaving the message DON'T WASTE MY TIME just in case we HAVEN'T HEARD THE WORD TIME ENOUGH yet. In case we missed this ENTIRE SCENE, Will TELLS us WHAT JUST HAPPENS.
Friend: But, but, that much TIME will get you killed! What are you going to do with your TIME? Have I said this word enough yet?
To shut the friend up, Will gives him a DECADE of time.
Meanwhile, Will's DISTURBINGLY ATTRACTIVE and RATHER YOUNG MOTHER is finally PAYING off her loan, just IN TIME. Alas, a MEAN BUS DRIVER will not allow her to SNEAK ON BOARD even though she only has TWO AND A HALF HOURS to live based on the glowy things in her arm and SHE AND HER SON have not had SEX YET. She begins to RUN RUN RUN to her son, a quest that MIGHT HAVE GONE BETTER if she had been WEARING SNEAKERS instead of REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will DROPS his flowers while WAITING at the bus stop instead of RUNNING with them to his mother, which is NOT GOING TO DO MUCH FOR SEXY TIMES. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS as WILL RUNS AND RUNS. He SEES his mother at the end of the street and she SEES him. DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS as they RUN RUN RUN TO EACH OTHER even though he doesn't have the flowers any more and then HER GLOWING GREEN CLOCK runs OUT OF TIME as she FLIES towards her son and lands DEAD IN HIS ARMS. More swelling music. It is all VERY SAD. Well, not really. It is all MEANT TO BE VERY SAD.
Will CRIES AND CRIES as the MUSIC HOWLS.
Meanwhile, over at the SUICIDE SITE, a TIMEKEEPER WASTES TIME with some not very funny TIME JOKES instead of, you know, INVESTIGATING THE SUICIDE because the film has gone a full TWO MINUTES without mentioning the word TIME. Only THEN does the TIMEKEEPER realize that, oooh, ooh, THEY HAVE CAMERA FOOTAGE to look at. Thanks to all of this WASTED TIME Will is able to CROSS INTO NEW TIME ZONES, in one of the few INTRIGUING MOMENTS OF THE FILM, and is shocked, shocked, to find out that the BETTER THE TIME ZONE, the MORE EXPENSIVE IT IS TO ENTER. Will loses a FULL YEAR of his life only to find himself, sadly, in DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, which frankly MAY NOT BE WORTH a year of anyone's life but does apparently offer EXCELLENT FOOD.
Timekeeper: Let me waste more time by repeating, AGAIN, what the audience just SAW ON THE SCREEN. To make up for it I shall swish my awesome long leather coat round and round.
Will: I'm going to make them pay! But first, let me waste all of this valuable time that Matt Bomer just TOLD ME not to waste by renting a HUGE SUITE, EATING exquisite food and going gambling. Also, although I earlier WASTED THE AUDIENCE'S TIME by assuring everyone that if I had a century to live I would stop looking at green glowing things in my arm, I shall now waste several screen seconds by staring at the green glowing things in my arm.
Waitress: I will provide the film's other intelligent moment by noting that Will, you can't be from around here because you EAT TOO QUICKLY, showing that you have no sense of LOTS AND LOTS OF TIME. You can go gambling right over there.
Timekeeper: Since we are temporarily trying for intelligence here, allow me to waste another moment introducing a possible intriguing subplot about Will's father that will end up going precisely nowhere.
Will: Here I am, using all of this valuable time I got to, er, play poker. Remarkably this works since I'm such a terrible actor that no one can tell if I'm bluffing or not. Let's try a spot of banal dialogue to move things along. Is that beautiful girl in the remarkably uncomfortable looking shoes your wife, daughter or mother?
Eeevil guy: Fortunately for you, daughter. Ultimate evolution and Darwinian capitalism, isn't it? You'd think that under the circumstances I'd have better hair.
Will: Having won lots and lots of years, I shall continue to put all of this ill-gotten time to good use by buying a car and going zipping round and round until I arrive at this big mansion on the ocean. Exactly how I managed to get from downtown Los Angeles to a lovely ocean mansion without DRIVING THROUGH a SINGLE SLUM is not clear.
Eeeevil guy: Here are my wife, my daughter and my mother-in-law who are all supposed to look about the same age. Roll with it. I control them by FORCING THEM to WEAR UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Sylvia, daughter of eeevil guy: I guess it's time for some inept flirting?
Will: Well, just as long as we say the word "time" a lot. How the hell are you WALKING? [The second sentence may just be me projecting.]
Sylvia: You remind me of the people of the ghetto, although it's not clear HOW I would have MET them since the movie EARLIER made it VERY CLEAR that we wealthy guys like never ever ever go to the ghetto. Wait. That was two minutes without saying a word about time! Quick! Let me say something about a clock!
Will: Let's pop into the ocean!
Sylvia: Aren't you scared?
Me: Of your shoes!
Sylvia: We NEVER swim in the ocean. Not ever, because we wouldn't want to risk ALL of our extra years and immortality and it's not like VERY MORTAL RICH people EVER GO SWIMMING or RISK THEIR LIVES in real life!
Will: Yes, but, this way you can let your arm glow all green under the water!
Sylvia REMOVES her apparently designer dress and thankfully for my sanity HER SHOES and GOES into the water where her GREEN GLOWING THING turns the water a VERY PRETTY AQUA which I liked even if OTHERS SAID IT WAS CHEESY. Approaching VOICES are heard.
Sylvia: We have to hide! Quick, behind this rock! That should hide the GREEN GLOW quite well!
Although it DOESN'T, nobody chooses to INVESTIGATE why the Pacific Ocean is now GLOWING GREEN.
Sylvia: I have to go back! [real dialogue]
Will: Where? [pause] You have to go back! [real dialogue.]
Timekeepers arrive wearing PRETTY AWESOME JACKETS, demanding to ARREST Will. Nobody OBJECTS to this.
Timekeeper: Let's stare at each other and have long, long, pauses. Oh. Crap. That means we've just gone five minutes without saying the word "time." Ok then. I'm not interested in justice! I'm interested in time! And clocks!
Understandably BORED by this speech, Will decides to KNOCK OUT the other Timekeepers and KIDNAP Sylvia and DRIVE AWAY VERY VERY FAST in the car. Although this kidnapping could be EASILY STOPPED by the TIME ZONE BARRIERS we saw EARLIER in the film, that would PREVENT A CAR CHASE, and the film HAS THE PROPER SENSE OF PRIORITIES, so we get a car chase, pretty much ENTIRELY UNLIKE the good ones in James Bond films, as the car spins round and round and trucks go round and round and finally Will and Sylvia go FLYING over something or another and spin through the air and then their car ROLLS AND ROLLS AND THEN GOES THUMP leaving them alive which IS pretty much EXACTLY what happens in a Bond film except CONSIDERABLY LESS REALISTIC. *
Gangsters from earlier in the film: Well, hello! Ordinarily we'd ask how the hell you survived that, but we have no TIME. So we'll just steal some of yours, right in front of these FRIENDLY SECURITY CAMERAS.
Sylvia: What's astonishing here is, I've lost hundreds and hundreds of years of time, and yet somehow KEPT my exceedingly uncomfortable shoes. What are we going to do? Sniffle.
Will: Whatever we have to!
Sylvia: Well, as long as you have a plan!
Wife of Will's friend, who has been completely forgotten about until now: Your friend is DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Because as soon as he had a DECADE OF LIFE to live and spend, he immediately RUSHED TO THE BAR ACROSS THE STREET and DRANK HIMSELF TO DEATH! Oddly fast, I know, but anything SLOWER would not have allowed me to use the word TIME six times in this little recap. Anyway, since he's dead, I'm certainly not giving you two time!
Will and Sylvia, BEREFT of FRIENDS AND TIME, make a wild rush for a PAWN SHOP since DIAMONDS WILL GET YOU ANYTHING, even in a SLUM where presumably NO ONE CAN AFFORD THEM. Then they go to a PAY PHONE, because even though this is a culture able to KEEP GLOWING CLOCKS in everyone's arms and KILL PEOPLE the SECOND their time runs out, no one has a CELL PHONE.
Timekeeper: Hi Will. Don't make your father's mistakes! Don't ask me what they are, either, since apparently NO ONE KNOWS.
Will: I'll give Sylvia back if you give the ghetto a THOUSAND YEARS of TIME! And now, to explain the REALITIES of POVERTY to the rich girl.
Fortunately for everyone, Sylvia is able to EASILY FIT into the TIGHT SLINKY DRESS previously OWNED by Will's MOTHER, as well as ANOTHER PAIR of UNFORTUNATE SHOES. Less fortunately for everyone, her eeevil father refuses to PAY a mere THOUSAND YEARS OF LIFE to save his DAUGHTER. This for complicated and frankly relatively INEXPLICABLE REASONS leads Sylvia to SHOOT THE TIMEKEEPER, who has equally inexplicably SHOWN UP in a DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD where EVERYBODY HATES HIM without ANYONE ELSE. Will and Sylvia STEAL HIS CAR.
Sylvia: Never mind that I've just SHOT someone for the very first time, we're RUNNING out of TIME! TIME! TIME! Oh, what are we going to do? Wait, have I said this before? TIME TIME TIME!
Will: We'll go arrest someone!
Even though the film earlier ASSURED US that rich people NEVER GO INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, Will and Sylvia just HAPPEN to run into a nice RICH WOMAN and STEAL HER TIME.
Will and Sylvia: Well, now that we have TIME again, let's go MAKE OUT.
Eeeevil dude: I blame myself! And Sylvia! And time! And the script! Also, TIME!
Timekeeper: I have issued a warrant for your daughter's arrest. I think it's TIME. If you help her, I'll arrest you. You don't have ENOUGH TIME to PAY ME OFF!
Will: So, now that we have some TIME, let's use it to teach you to use a gun. Ok! Now then, let's ROB A BANK.
Although it's seriously unclear exactly how the hell this banking system even works, it's equally seriously VERY EASY to ROB A BANK.
Will: Since I learned absolutely NOTHING from the DEATH of my friend through ALCOHOL POISONING because he got TOO MUCH TIME too quickly, I'll just, you know, start handing out too much time to the little people.
Gangsters: This is SO crimping our style.
Eeevil dude: YOU SUFFOCATE ME! (or something.)
Will and Sylvia: In an effort to regenerate some interest on screen, let's play strip poker!
Alas, the strip poker is INTERRUPTED BY COPS who cruelly force Sylvia to GO RUNNING IN THOSE HELLISH SHOES all over again.
Timekeeper: Since you guys have been so clearly willing to listen to me before, I'll just shout out "Stop!"
More CHASE SCENES in UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will: Unbelievable!
Audience: Well, yes!
Although Will and Sylvia are WANTED BANK ROBBERS they GET ON A BUS.
Gangsters: Ok, in an effort to speed this film along, does anyone want to help us with a DRAMATIC BETRAYAL?
Random betraying person: Only if I can GAIN SOME TIME!
Will and Sylvia have ANOTHER pointless conversation about REGRETS which is THANKFULLY INTERRUPTED BY GANGSTERS.
Gangster: Timekeepers like me because, me, I like boundaries, and I know how to keep the balance. You, not so much. So I have to kill you. It's kinda sad when I'm the one restoring order, but, you know. Now. I could and should just kill you. But let's ARM WRESTLE INSTEAD!
Because the gangsters are pretty inept villains, this decision LEAVES THEM ALL DEAD and forces Sylvia to do MORE RUNNING in uncomfortable shoes. More alarmingly, this forces the film to go an ENTIRE FIVE MINUTES without SAYING THE WORD TIME. Someone THOUGHTFULLY PUTS the bodies of the gangsters in a NICE NEAT ROW on the street. This causes INTEREST RATES TO SKYROCKET. No. Really. This causes INTEREST RATES TO SKYROCKET.
Will, finally getting it: Damn it! No matter HOW MUCH TIME I STEAL, your father and his eeevillll friends will just keep RAISING prices and INTEREST RATES. We can NEVER WIN. Unless we can steal LOTS OF TIME!
Meanwhile, the eeevil guy has CAREFULLY selected several BODYGUARDS who all wear KINDA ROCKIN SHADES. Sylvia INEXPLICABLY manages to go through ALL OF THOSE TIME ZONE BARRIERS AGAIN without ANYONE noticing for a DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION with her father. She is, of course, WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will: Fortunately enough, a pair of sunglasses was enough to DISGUISE ME and allow me to POSE as one of your bodyguards even though I'm a MASSIVELY WANTED CRIMINAL. Lead me to your vault! And quickly! We are RUNNING OUT OF TIME and I don't think Sylvia's ANKLES can take much more!
A huge vault is opened, to reveal a tiny storage thingy that is holding ONE MILLION YEARS. The sheer IMPROBABILITY OF THIS is missed on EVERYBODY.
Eeevil dude: And now, to PROVE my evil nature, because the whole refusing to ransom my daughter didn't make that clear earlier. For a few to be immortal, many must die!
Timekeeper: Ok, everyone. Search for a car GOING SLOWLY, because if you have a MILLION YEARS to spend you will NEVER EVER need to drive quickly even if COPS ARE CHASING YOU.
Everyone BEGINS SHOOTING kinda randomly, but THIS IS LOS ANGELES so it SORTA FITS. Car ZOOMS THROUGH the time zone barriers that had EARLIER DISAPPEARED. Will and Sylvia give the MILLION YEARS to a small ten year old girl because, you know, THAT'S RESPONSIBLE. The little girl runs to some CHARITY WORKER who starts DISTRIBUTING IT. Everyone is REMARKABLY NICE and not ONE PERSON tries to knock out the charity worker to steal ANYTHING.
Will: Erk. Did we really just give away a million years of time, leaving ourselves with only a FEW MINUTES TO LIVE EACH?
Sylvia: Yes, we did. On the bright side, this allows us to fulfill our CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION and say the word TIME at least 13 times in the next two minutes.
In a moment meant to be filled with stunning irony, the Timekeeper DIES having RUN OUT OF TIME. Will and Sylvia WASTE SEVERAL PRECIOUS SECONDS arguing over WHO CAN RUN FASTER even though it's KINDA OBVIOUS since Will is NOT WEARING RIDICULOUS SHOES. They run run run to the Timekeeper's car even though Sylvia's SHOES keep SLOWING HER DOWN. Will JUST MAKES it and GATHERS TIME and runs runs runs back and JUST manages to REACH SYLVIA as her seconds ALMOST RUN OUT, SAVING HER LIFE, the way he COULDN'T SAVE his mother. The news system reports that the TIME ZONES are collapsing because a MILLION YEARS just kinda FLOODED the market. We see VARIOUS WIDE EYED PEOPLE looking at a STILL SUSPICIOUS CLEAN Los Angeles in awe.
Then Will and Sylvia start robbing banks again. THE END.
* And yes, you do have a problem when a Bond film is taking the comparatively realistic approach.
In Time is just more frustrating.
Largely because the concept is excellent, and here and there, the film allows us tiny glimpses of what it could have been, but wasn't. (Like, on a minor note, if the theme of your film is that everyone stops aging at 25, make sure that everyone looks 25, instead of, say, early to mid thirties, and cast actors who are actually in their mid twenties, instead of, say, early to mid thirties. Justin Timberlake is 30; Cillian Murphy 35, Vincent Kartheiser 32, Johnny Galecki 36, and so on. ) Unfortunately, aside from those tiny glimpses, the execution is mostly inept, and rather than an intriguing film about time, life, and class distinctions, we have a film about women wearing very uncomfortable clothing and some kinda inept chase scenes.
It's not the fault of the acting - even Justin Timberlake tries, and it's not his fault that his character's actions generally make little to no sense. Or the beautifully done, sometimes even intriguing camera work. No, this is the fault of just not thinking.
So, you know. Snark!
Opening narration: Because the title clearly is not a significant enough indicator, I shall repeat, over and over and over and over, the word "time." On the bright side this may slightly numb your ears to the continuous repetition of this word later in the film. Anyway! In this world, everyone stops aging at twenty five and has exactly ONE YEAR to live unless MORE TIME can be earned, or stolen. I am NOT SURE I've said the word TIME ENOUGH in this narration, so let's SAY IT SOME MORE.
Youthful mother: I have no time!
Will Timberlake, her son: I'll give you my time!
And he can, since people in this film can EXCHANGE TIME by GRASPING EACH OTHER'S WRISTS or HOLDING THE WRISTS in little TIME MACHINES. The impact of this on EVERYONE'S SEX LIFE, since you could easily STEAL EVERYONE'S TIME during orgasm, is left unexamined by everyone except the CURIOUS AUDIENCE.
Will and his mother EXCHANGE a warm and slightly OVERLOVING embrace, with ASSURANCES that they will meet up to celebrate her 50th birthday later. Sexy times are DEFINITELY IMPLIED, which is all KINDA OK since see they both APPEAR to be the same age and she is wearing VERY HOT and SLINKY dresses with VERY HIGH HEELS, but even with that thought, Will STILL FINDS time to whine that COFFEE now costs FOUR minutes of your life PLUS the time you need to drink it.
Person who has RUN OUT OF TIME: I'll just, topple over on the street then.
City officials: Yes, we'll just leave the TIME LOST people on the streets, because this whole time thing we've set up apparently means that no one gets sick or notices DECOMPOSING BODIES. (Not that we ever see these bodies decompose.)
All women in the film: Also, all of this FOCUS on TIME apparently means that we can only wear very very short skirts and impossibly high heels.
Will, in despair about life and the fact that he CAN'T SLEEP with his mother quite yet because she has to WORK to pay off their time loans, HEADS to a bar, where he meets and rescues a very sad and depressed but still impeccably dressed Matt Bomer from some GANGSTERS who can't decide if they are IRISH or BRITISH who want to steal Bomer's CENTURIES of TIME.
Matt Bomer: You don't understand! I needed to die!
Will: Because of the script?
Matt Bomer: That, and, for a few to be immortal, OTHERS MUST DIE. Listen to that closely because it MAY COME UP LATER. Have I put in ENOUGH LONG PAUSES in this DIALOGUE sequence yet?
Sad violins BEGIN TO PLAY. No. Really. Sad violins BEGIN TO PLAY.
Will: It does get better!
S: Too bad the acting doesn't!
Unsurprisingly unconvinced by the TERRIBLE ACTING, Matt Bomer GIVES AWAY most of his time to Will, leaving himself JUST ENOUGH TIME to go to a bridge and FALL OFF IT, leaving the message DON'T WASTE MY TIME just in case we HAVEN'T HEARD THE WORD TIME ENOUGH yet. In case we missed this ENTIRE SCENE, Will TELLS us WHAT JUST HAPPENS.
Friend: But, but, that much TIME will get you killed! What are you going to do with your TIME? Have I said this word enough yet?
To shut the friend up, Will gives him a DECADE of time.
Meanwhile, Will's DISTURBINGLY ATTRACTIVE and RATHER YOUNG MOTHER is finally PAYING off her loan, just IN TIME. Alas, a MEAN BUS DRIVER will not allow her to SNEAK ON BOARD even though she only has TWO AND A HALF HOURS to live based on the glowy things in her arm and SHE AND HER SON have not had SEX YET. She begins to RUN RUN RUN to her son, a quest that MIGHT HAVE GONE BETTER if she had been WEARING SNEAKERS instead of REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will DROPS his flowers while WAITING at the bus stop instead of RUNNING with them to his mother, which is NOT GOING TO DO MUCH FOR SEXY TIMES. DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS as WILL RUNS AND RUNS. He SEES his mother at the end of the street and she SEES him. DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS as they RUN RUN RUN TO EACH OTHER even though he doesn't have the flowers any more and then HER GLOWING GREEN CLOCK runs OUT OF TIME as she FLIES towards her son and lands DEAD IN HIS ARMS. More swelling music. It is all VERY SAD. Well, not really. It is all MEANT TO BE VERY SAD.
Will CRIES AND CRIES as the MUSIC HOWLS.
Meanwhile, over at the SUICIDE SITE, a TIMEKEEPER WASTES TIME with some not very funny TIME JOKES instead of, you know, INVESTIGATING THE SUICIDE because the film has gone a full TWO MINUTES without mentioning the word TIME. Only THEN does the TIMEKEEPER realize that, oooh, ooh, THEY HAVE CAMERA FOOTAGE to look at. Thanks to all of this WASTED TIME Will is able to CROSS INTO NEW TIME ZONES, in one of the few INTRIGUING MOMENTS OF THE FILM, and is shocked, shocked, to find out that the BETTER THE TIME ZONE, the MORE EXPENSIVE IT IS TO ENTER. Will loses a FULL YEAR of his life only to find himself, sadly, in DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, which frankly MAY NOT BE WORTH a year of anyone's life but does apparently offer EXCELLENT FOOD.
Timekeeper: Let me waste more time by repeating, AGAIN, what the audience just SAW ON THE SCREEN. To make up for it I shall swish my awesome long leather coat round and round.
Will: I'm going to make them pay! But first, let me waste all of this valuable time that Matt Bomer just TOLD ME not to waste by renting a HUGE SUITE, EATING exquisite food and going gambling. Also, although I earlier WASTED THE AUDIENCE'S TIME by assuring everyone that if I had a century to live I would stop looking at green glowing things in my arm, I shall now waste several screen seconds by staring at the green glowing things in my arm.
Waitress: I will provide the film's other intelligent moment by noting that Will, you can't be from around here because you EAT TOO QUICKLY, showing that you have no sense of LOTS AND LOTS OF TIME. You can go gambling right over there.
Timekeeper: Since we are temporarily trying for intelligence here, allow me to waste another moment introducing a possible intriguing subplot about Will's father that will end up going precisely nowhere.
Will: Here I am, using all of this valuable time I got to, er, play poker. Remarkably this works since I'm such a terrible actor that no one can tell if I'm bluffing or not. Let's try a spot of banal dialogue to move things along. Is that beautiful girl in the remarkably uncomfortable looking shoes your wife, daughter or mother?
Eeevil guy: Fortunately for you, daughter. Ultimate evolution and Darwinian capitalism, isn't it? You'd think that under the circumstances I'd have better hair.
Will: Having won lots and lots of years, I shall continue to put all of this ill-gotten time to good use by buying a car and going zipping round and round until I arrive at this big mansion on the ocean. Exactly how I managed to get from downtown Los Angeles to a lovely ocean mansion without DRIVING THROUGH a SINGLE SLUM is not clear.
Eeeevil guy: Here are my wife, my daughter and my mother-in-law who are all supposed to look about the same age. Roll with it. I control them by FORCING THEM to WEAR UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Sylvia, daughter of eeevil guy: I guess it's time for some inept flirting?
Will: Well, just as long as we say the word "time" a lot. How the hell are you WALKING? [The second sentence may just be me projecting.]
Sylvia: You remind me of the people of the ghetto, although it's not clear HOW I would have MET them since the movie EARLIER made it VERY CLEAR that we wealthy guys like never ever ever go to the ghetto. Wait. That was two minutes without saying a word about time! Quick! Let me say something about a clock!
Will: Let's pop into the ocean!
Sylvia: Aren't you scared?
Me: Of your shoes!
Sylvia: We NEVER swim in the ocean. Not ever, because we wouldn't want to risk ALL of our extra years and immortality and it's not like VERY MORTAL RICH people EVER GO SWIMMING or RISK THEIR LIVES in real life!
Will: Yes, but, this way you can let your arm glow all green under the water!
Sylvia REMOVES her apparently designer dress and thankfully for my sanity HER SHOES and GOES into the water where her GREEN GLOWING THING turns the water a VERY PRETTY AQUA which I liked even if OTHERS SAID IT WAS CHEESY. Approaching VOICES are heard.
Sylvia: We have to hide! Quick, behind this rock! That should hide the GREEN GLOW quite well!
Although it DOESN'T, nobody chooses to INVESTIGATE why the Pacific Ocean is now GLOWING GREEN.
Sylvia: I have to go back! [real dialogue]
Will: Where? [pause] You have to go back! [real dialogue.]
Timekeepers arrive wearing PRETTY AWESOME JACKETS, demanding to ARREST Will. Nobody OBJECTS to this.
Timekeeper: Let's stare at each other and have long, long, pauses. Oh. Crap. That means we've just gone five minutes without saying the word "time." Ok then. I'm not interested in justice! I'm interested in time! And clocks!
Understandably BORED by this speech, Will decides to KNOCK OUT the other Timekeepers and KIDNAP Sylvia and DRIVE AWAY VERY VERY FAST in the car. Although this kidnapping could be EASILY STOPPED by the TIME ZONE BARRIERS we saw EARLIER in the film, that would PREVENT A CAR CHASE, and the film HAS THE PROPER SENSE OF PRIORITIES, so we get a car chase, pretty much ENTIRELY UNLIKE the good ones in James Bond films, as the car spins round and round and trucks go round and round and finally Will and Sylvia go FLYING over something or another and spin through the air and then their car ROLLS AND ROLLS AND THEN GOES THUMP leaving them alive which IS pretty much EXACTLY what happens in a Bond film except CONSIDERABLY LESS REALISTIC. *
Gangsters from earlier in the film: Well, hello! Ordinarily we'd ask how the hell you survived that, but we have no TIME. So we'll just steal some of yours, right in front of these FRIENDLY SECURITY CAMERAS.
Sylvia: What's astonishing here is, I've lost hundreds and hundreds of years of time, and yet somehow KEPT my exceedingly uncomfortable shoes. What are we going to do? Sniffle.
Will: Whatever we have to!
Sylvia: Well, as long as you have a plan!
Wife of Will's friend, who has been completely forgotten about until now: Your friend is DEAD! DEAD! DEAD! Because as soon as he had a DECADE OF LIFE to live and spend, he immediately RUSHED TO THE BAR ACROSS THE STREET and DRANK HIMSELF TO DEATH! Oddly fast, I know, but anything SLOWER would not have allowed me to use the word TIME six times in this little recap. Anyway, since he's dead, I'm certainly not giving you two time!
Will and Sylvia, BEREFT of FRIENDS AND TIME, make a wild rush for a PAWN SHOP since DIAMONDS WILL GET YOU ANYTHING, even in a SLUM where presumably NO ONE CAN AFFORD THEM. Then they go to a PAY PHONE, because even though this is a culture able to KEEP GLOWING CLOCKS in everyone's arms and KILL PEOPLE the SECOND their time runs out, no one has a CELL PHONE.
Timekeeper: Hi Will. Don't make your father's mistakes! Don't ask me what they are, either, since apparently NO ONE KNOWS.
Will: I'll give Sylvia back if you give the ghetto a THOUSAND YEARS of TIME! And now, to explain the REALITIES of POVERTY to the rich girl.
Fortunately for everyone, Sylvia is able to EASILY FIT into the TIGHT SLINKY DRESS previously OWNED by Will's MOTHER, as well as ANOTHER PAIR of UNFORTUNATE SHOES. Less fortunately for everyone, her eeevil father refuses to PAY a mere THOUSAND YEARS OF LIFE to save his DAUGHTER. This for complicated and frankly relatively INEXPLICABLE REASONS leads Sylvia to SHOOT THE TIMEKEEPER, who has equally inexplicably SHOWN UP in a DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD where EVERYBODY HATES HIM without ANYONE ELSE. Will and Sylvia STEAL HIS CAR.
Sylvia: Never mind that I've just SHOT someone for the very first time, we're RUNNING out of TIME! TIME! TIME! Oh, what are we going to do? Wait, have I said this before? TIME TIME TIME!
Will: We'll go arrest someone!
Even though the film earlier ASSURED US that rich people NEVER GO INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, Will and Sylvia just HAPPEN to run into a nice RICH WOMAN and STEAL HER TIME.
Will and Sylvia: Well, now that we have TIME again, let's go MAKE OUT.
Eeeevil dude: I blame myself! And Sylvia! And time! And the script! Also, TIME!
Timekeeper: I have issued a warrant for your daughter's arrest. I think it's TIME. If you help her, I'll arrest you. You don't have ENOUGH TIME to PAY ME OFF!
Will: So, now that we have some TIME, let's use it to teach you to use a gun. Ok! Now then, let's ROB A BANK.
Although it's seriously unclear exactly how the hell this banking system even works, it's equally seriously VERY EASY to ROB A BANK.
Will: Since I learned absolutely NOTHING from the DEATH of my friend through ALCOHOL POISONING because he got TOO MUCH TIME too quickly, I'll just, you know, start handing out too much time to the little people.
Gangsters: This is SO crimping our style.
Eeevil dude: YOU SUFFOCATE ME! (or something.)
Will and Sylvia: In an effort to regenerate some interest on screen, let's play strip poker!
Alas, the strip poker is INTERRUPTED BY COPS who cruelly force Sylvia to GO RUNNING IN THOSE HELLISH SHOES all over again.
Timekeeper: Since you guys have been so clearly willing to listen to me before, I'll just shout out "Stop!"
More CHASE SCENES in UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will: Unbelievable!
Audience: Well, yes!
Although Will and Sylvia are WANTED BANK ROBBERS they GET ON A BUS.
Gangsters: Ok, in an effort to speed this film along, does anyone want to help us with a DRAMATIC BETRAYAL?
Random betraying person: Only if I can GAIN SOME TIME!
Will and Sylvia have ANOTHER pointless conversation about REGRETS which is THANKFULLY INTERRUPTED BY GANGSTERS.
Gangster: Timekeepers like me because, me, I like boundaries, and I know how to keep the balance. You, not so much. So I have to kill you. It's kinda sad when I'm the one restoring order, but, you know. Now. I could and should just kill you. But let's ARM WRESTLE INSTEAD!
Because the gangsters are pretty inept villains, this decision LEAVES THEM ALL DEAD and forces Sylvia to do MORE RUNNING in uncomfortable shoes. More alarmingly, this forces the film to go an ENTIRE FIVE MINUTES without SAYING THE WORD TIME. Someone THOUGHTFULLY PUTS the bodies of the gangsters in a NICE NEAT ROW on the street. This causes INTEREST RATES TO SKYROCKET. No. Really. This causes INTEREST RATES TO SKYROCKET.
Will, finally getting it: Damn it! No matter HOW MUCH TIME I STEAL, your father and his eeevillll friends will just keep RAISING prices and INTEREST RATES. We can NEVER WIN. Unless we can steal LOTS OF TIME!
Meanwhile, the eeevil guy has CAREFULLY selected several BODYGUARDS who all wear KINDA ROCKIN SHADES. Sylvia INEXPLICABLY manages to go through ALL OF THOSE TIME ZONE BARRIERS AGAIN without ANYONE noticing for a DRAMATIC CONFRONTATION with her father. She is, of course, WEARING UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES.
Will: Fortunately enough, a pair of sunglasses was enough to DISGUISE ME and allow me to POSE as one of your bodyguards even though I'm a MASSIVELY WANTED CRIMINAL. Lead me to your vault! And quickly! We are RUNNING OUT OF TIME and I don't think Sylvia's ANKLES can take much more!
A huge vault is opened, to reveal a tiny storage thingy that is holding ONE MILLION YEARS. The sheer IMPROBABILITY OF THIS is missed on EVERYBODY.
Eeevil dude: And now, to PROVE my evil nature, because the whole refusing to ransom my daughter didn't make that clear earlier. For a few to be immortal, many must die!
Timekeeper: Ok, everyone. Search for a car GOING SLOWLY, because if you have a MILLION YEARS to spend you will NEVER EVER need to drive quickly even if COPS ARE CHASING YOU.
Everyone BEGINS SHOOTING kinda randomly, but THIS IS LOS ANGELES so it SORTA FITS. Car ZOOMS THROUGH the time zone barriers that had EARLIER DISAPPEARED. Will and Sylvia give the MILLION YEARS to a small ten year old girl because, you know, THAT'S RESPONSIBLE. The little girl runs to some CHARITY WORKER who starts DISTRIBUTING IT. Everyone is REMARKABLY NICE and not ONE PERSON tries to knock out the charity worker to steal ANYTHING.
Will: Erk. Did we really just give away a million years of time, leaving ourselves with only a FEW MINUTES TO LIVE EACH?
Sylvia: Yes, we did. On the bright side, this allows us to fulfill our CONTRACTUAL OBLIGATION and say the word TIME at least 13 times in the next two minutes.
In a moment meant to be filled with stunning irony, the Timekeeper DIES having RUN OUT OF TIME. Will and Sylvia WASTE SEVERAL PRECIOUS SECONDS arguing over WHO CAN RUN FASTER even though it's KINDA OBVIOUS since Will is NOT WEARING RIDICULOUS SHOES. They run run run to the Timekeeper's car even though Sylvia's SHOES keep SLOWING HER DOWN. Will JUST MAKES it and GATHERS TIME and runs runs runs back and JUST manages to REACH SYLVIA as her seconds ALMOST RUN OUT, SAVING HER LIFE, the way he COULDN'T SAVE his mother. The news system reports that the TIME ZONES are collapsing because a MILLION YEARS just kinda FLOODED the market. We see VARIOUS WIDE EYED PEOPLE looking at a STILL SUSPICIOUS CLEAN Los Angeles in awe.
Then Will and Sylvia start robbing banks again. THE END.
* And yes, you do have a problem when a Bond film is taking the comparatively realistic approach.