[Fanfiction] Hazukashii Smile : CHAPTER 3: KATTUN

[marikitfics]

Chapter 1:  HOSHI WO MEZASHITE ( NEWS)
  **Page 1**-|| **Page 2**
Chapter 1:  MUGENDAI (Kanjani8)
** Part 1** Page 2***
Chapter 3: CRAZY LOVE (KAT-TUN)
*** Part 1***|| ***Part 2***


Title : Hazukashii Smile : Chapter Three: CRAZY LOVE (KAT-TUN)
Fandom: Nishikido Ryo/ Ueda Tatsuya (OMG! RYODA!)
Category:  Multi-Chapter/ Song Fic
Genre: Drama, Angst
 Warnings:  Character Death, Tearjerker, lots and lots of Tissues needed
Rating: G
Betas:resha_ueda;lhukhe09 makinekoi dreaming_nagi13

SUMMARY:  What did Ueda know that the rest of the world didnt? What was Ryo and Ueda's friendship like? Why of all people Him?Ueda introspects on what could have been and what had happened.
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 Author Notes:  resha_ueda here's the KAT-TUN CHAPTER you have been wating for... :) It's for you. I know I have been on hiatus for so long but i think its fitting that I finish this fic. Next up will be Jin and then FINAL CHAPTER. God, this has been a fic for months na! <3 have to get crackin !! COMMENTS ARE LOVE!



PART 1: CRAZY LOVE
KAT-TUN

The news of Nishikido Ryo’s passing was of course the silent talk of everyone who worked in Johnny’s Entertainment.  The hushed whispers were like screams to everyone who heard it. There was not a dry tear in the building when the news came. Of course, it was secret, so everyone knew about it. The biggest news always came that way in the entertainment business anyway. Every bit of juicy truths were obtained, abused, sold and transferred in this manner. But this one, this particular scoop was different. It seemed that they took  special care with this one - in fact, most cannot believe that this was the truth. It just coiuldn’t be true.

The news shocked everyone - even his proclaimed archenemy, Ueda Tatsuya had to sit down from his boxing training when he heard about it from a hysterical Kamenashi Kazuya over his speakerphone.

“He’s gone!” Kamenashi had cried quite bitterly over the phone. “Nishikido Ryo is gone!”

What the fuck is the turtlebrain talking about?  Ueda stopped a jab midway. “What the fuck do you mean, Kamenashi. Breathe and tell me again, slowly!” He resumed his stance. 1-2 - upper cut, 1-2 -feign right - feign left… Jab! It felt good to work out.

Kamenashi Kazuya paused for a moment and slowly began. “ Nishikido Ryo is dead. “ He said plainly.

It took a minute for it to sink in. Tatsuya Ueda closed his eyes from training and actually grabbed the phone from its cradle.

“Cut the crap, Kazuya. Tell me youre kidding,” He said practically begging the heavens and Kame to tell him that this was a joke. A very bad joke.

“I wish I could, “ came Kame’s soft reply from the other side.

Ueda Tatsuya sat down and breathed heavily. He closed his eyes and sighed. “When?”

“Johnny sama told me that it was last night. He died in the US- in a hospital, with Lympathic Cancer,” Kame said sadly on the other line. God, he hated to be the bearer of bad news. He met Johnny for a contract signing for his new drama and  the old man told him. It was hard enough that he had to hear all the details, but he also had to be the one who told his friends and the whole of KAT-TUN about it.

“ And Ueda…” He hesitated, thinking about how to tell Ueda the last thing - the most important thing that Johnny asked him to do.

“What?” Ueda said in a voice that is almost a whisper. He already could not believe it.

“Check your e-mail. Johnny-sama said Ryo-chan e-mailed you before he died,” Kame said.

Ueda looked up. “He did…” He stood up and carried the phone towards where his laptop was set up. “I’ll read it. And Kazuya, have you told Jin?”

That question hung heavily in the air. How do you tell someone that one of his or her dearest friends just died? They knew that Jin would go crazy; they knew that Jin, most of all would be hurt. He loved Ryo like a brother.

Kamenashi finally spoke. “No, I haven’t. “

The conversation ended there. Ueda clicked the phone off and summoned all his strength to read the e-mail that popped out of his mail client. He stared long and hard at the name of the person who sent the e-mail.  NISHIKIDO RYO it said in bold letters.

He willed it to disappear. Half of him wanted to know what the letter says, the other half, said that he just didn’t want to.  It took a lot from him to click the e-mail and he calmed himself down. Ueda Tatsuya, you are just reading an e-mail from Nishikido. What the fuck is wrong with you?

To:u.tatsuya@jemail.co.jp
From: r.nishikido@jemail.co.jp

Subject:  To the Person I hate the most.

Ueda Tatsuya-san,

You will be pleased to hear that I am writing this from my deathbed. No, I am not kidding. It’s true. I am in the University Hospital at UCLA where I am being a guinea pig/ specimen/patient/ tester for drugs and cures for the disease I am carrying. I know you know already. You, knew before anyone else that I had this. Yet you kept quiet and let me live my own way - It is either you were giving me space and respect to do this on my own or you were willing me to die early. Either way, thanks for keeping this dreadful little secret.

I didn’t know what to do when you saw me at the Tokyo General Hospital and overheard my doctor. I thought that was the end of it. I thought, that this scoop would be the one that would ruin me. People were already speculating anyway, and one word from you, a single word could cause me to fall. Yet, even though I was a step away from the cliff, you didn’t push me. Instead, you pulled me back.  I was really surprised you did.

I hated you for that. I hated you for the fact that you made me feel that you were a good person and not this evil little girly bitch of a man that I hate in KAT-TUN.  I hate you for treating me the same way you treat everyone and the usual way too - with utter contempt. It made me feel alive - more alive than usual since you challenge me those eyes. You make me feel that there is something that I should work for - that I still have someone to beat other than myself - or Tackey-sama.

I know it is fresh in your head. All our fights, our word wars, the mutual feelings of annoyance - they were all part of our game. I think, at least for me, it is my way of being endeared to you. Even if we do shame each other and publicly insult each other, I have learned to think that each curse, each belittlement, each glare meant exactly the opposite. Its our quirky way of telling each other - “Dork, stay alive, make me feel alive, challenge me - make me a better person.”  Because that’s what our “FRIENDSHIP” is all about.

I know that if places were switched, I would feel the same way. I would care about you. In fact, I would probably fly out to you to curse you and bonk you upside the head and tell you that the battle is not over. Live on, give me someone to hate.

I don’t regret saying those ugly things to you - not to hurt you - of course not! I don’t regret it one bit because, I felt that because of it, we both turned into better artists and persons.

Thank you, Ueda-kun. Even if I had another life, I would not change one thing. Our friendship is perfect. I know you cared for me in your own way. I know - don’t ask me how, I just do. And don’t argue because you know that I am right.

Ueda, live on for me. Show the world that you’re the best stuck up, spoiled, ugly, ex-blonde girly man that I think you are  or could be. Then, when you get here, to the flipside come and gloat at me for it. I’ll be glad to hear it.

Take care of yourself, Hime. And - Sorry … you know for what….

Your Archenemy,

Nishikido Ryo

I just almost hurt you alone
It was nothing and I loved you too much
Maybe we’re fallin’ in the crazy love

Ueda Tatsuya closed his eyes as he let the final tears fall on his fair cheeks. That traitor! What the hell is he doing dying on him?  Yet, Ryo was right. He knew - he knew a long time ago what was going on. If he spoke, would it really make a difference.
He remembered everything quite clearly. All the ugly words and curses, insults and glares that he directed at Ryo. It wasn’t an act. He truly and deeply despised the Osakan. He really hated the fact that he was everything he was NOT and then some. He thought back to the day when he learned  about Ryo’s illness.

It was the day of his General check-up, and he was tired of waiting in the waiting room. Who was it  inside? His appointment slip 2:00 PM and it was almost 3:00 PM still the person inside kept the doctor from seeing him. He sighed and stood up, ignored the receptionist and decided to go into the consultation room by himself.

His hand at the door,  he heard  the doctor’s voice.

“Well, there’s nothing we can do about it,  Nishikido-kun.. I’ll put you on  these medicines for maintenance.  I do not know until when you can do all your singing and dancing, but we’ll try to hold it off as long as we can. Acute Lympathic Cancer isn’t a joke. It kills - and it kills quite suddenly. I just hope you are willing to work with us, Nishikido-kun.”

“Is there really no chance of a cure? I just need a few years -5 at the very least,” a very familiar voice replied to the doctor.

Nishikido?! Cancer?! He must be out of his mind. There are many Nishikido’s on this earth - but how many of them sing and dance. It couldn’t be Ryo, right?  The more he listened to the doctor and the voice that answered back in despair, the more he was convinced that it was the same person he was thinking about.

Ueda Tatsuya froze at this bit of  news. A million things ran through his head and he didn’t realize how long he was standing there until the door open and he almost fell through the open door and face to face with Nishikido Ryo.

Ryo was more surprised than him. His eyes turned wide, he started to turn pale and then his wide eyes turned into slits. “UEDA! What the fuck are you doing out there? And how long have you been standing there? What did you hear?”

Ryo’s questions fired at him like a machine gun. He was shaking and his knuckles were white as he stared at Ueda who simply blinked up at him.

“Long enough,” Ueda stood up and stared back into Ryo’s glaring eyes. It was not long until Ryo, let up and sighed and stared at Ueda with intensity - but with a hint of defeat.

“I suppose you’re glad for this,” Ryo said with faked non-chalance. “It’s your chance.”

“Why do you think I’d do that?” Ueda replied with as much hate as he could muster. It was hard., he couldn’t hate Ryo at all. “Stop acting tough, Nishikido and be out with it.”

“What do you want me to do? Cry like a baby ? This is not a drama, Ueda. It’s real life.”
“I know, “ Ueda lowered his voice. “Look, Ryo if you need anything -I mean…” He wanted to let Ryo know that he wasn’t a hateful son of a bitch and that he had a heart. He wanted to help him. He wanted to listen at least, he wanted to let Ryo know that he was human.

“Don’t, just don’t. “ Ryo held his hands up to stop him. “Actually, there is one thing you can do for me…” Ryo stared at him.

“What is it?”

“Get out of my way,” Ryo said as he pushed Ueda out of the way and left the office in a hurry.

Ueda stood back and looked at Ryo’s retreating figure. So that’s how you want to play it? Go ahead.

Suppose I had chased you at that time
With what kind of future would I have been able to see your bashful smile?

It has been months since Ueda learned about the sickness. He still had a stuck sickening feeling in his stomach that he should have done something to help Ryo. But WHAT?! It was obvious that the boy was in pain, painfully obvious to him. But he carried on, Ryo still performed like it was nothing. His paling figure, his thinning frame was carried on by an annoyingly non-chalant attitude. His smiles were bright, though there was something weak about him.

It made him mad that Ryo was pushing it. Instead of admitting it to himself that he was sick, Ryo made it look that he was okay. That was until he found him in the bathroom, slumped against a wall, exhausted, pale and cold. It was apparent that he just threw up and there was blood. But even then, Ryo glared at Ueda.

“Don’t. even. Think. About. It. “ Ryo said with clenched teeth as he helped himself up and stared at Ueda who moved to help him.

“GODDAMN IT NISHIKIDO! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU’RE SUPERHUMAN! LOOK AT YOU! YOURE A MESS!” Ueda Tatsuya was angry, he was more than angry, he was furious. “Do you think it’s cool to act so tough? Is this part of your great act to be the most perfect guy in the universe? Look Mr. I-am-such-a-bigshot, FACE THE GODDAMN TRUTH! You are sick, dying even. Stop this stupidity and own up to it! Do you know how hard it is to watch you?”

Ryo stared at Ueda taken aback from the display of emotion of the boy. He usually wasn’t like this. But then he regained his composure and smiled icily. “Ueda-chan, I didn’t know you cared!”  Ryo patted him on the shoulder and left. “Don’t follow me, fanboy. I can take care of myself.”

Ueda Tatsuya watched once again as he let Ryo go , thinking if he should go and chase him and rustle him down to the hospital and make him stay there. But what good would it do if Ryo didn’t want to? Ueda Tatsuya, for the first time in his life, felt helpless against Nishikido Ryo.

.
I forgave everything about you
That night when we held each other, soaked by the rain
Without measuring even the weight of our tears
The two of us swayed

For the next few months, it was almost normal. Ryo and Ueda hating each other, throwing insults at each other as they meet. It was a busy year and Ueda almost forgot that Nishikido was even sick. The boy carried it well.

He silently watched him from a distance, hoping that Ryo would not falter and that things could turn back to where the boy was healthy and they could go back to hating each other normally. But now, that there was a secret, Ryo and Ueda shared a secret bond. They weren’t exactly friends - yet they could not hate each other more.

It was late one stormy night in Tokyo, at the Johnny’s Parking lot and Ueda found Ryo in his car staring out into nothingness. He honked his horn as he passed and blinked his lights. Ryo glared at him.

He stopped and stared back. “What are you still doing here?”

Ryo simply stared. “Go away, Ueda.”

He was actually worried about Nishikido. What the hell was was that all about? Yet he didn’t question it. After all, not everyone knew that Nishikido was dying and it was ironic that he, the one who is called his archenemy was the only one who knew. Fate really had a twisted sense of humor.

“Can you drive?” He had dared to ask knowing that a snarky remark was on its way.

Ryo turned on the engine in response, revved the engine and quickly drove off, leaving him in the parking lot.

“Bastard,” He said mostly to himself than anyone else.

Yet, as he drove home, he realized one thing. The archenemy actually cared. He has forgiven Ryo for most of the things he has done - except of course, this one. This was way unforgivable. Any person who doesn’t take care or value himself is a loser. He doesn’t like that at all.

Only by calling your name did the world have meaning
Everything inside me wanted to protect you from injury no matter the past
In case my voice reaches you, I’ll be waiting here
This Crazy Love that won’t happen ever again

Ryo avoided Ueda like a plague, yet Ueda found ways to check up on him. It was as if he had this weird obsession on checking if the boy was still alive, breathing or ok. He just couldn’t explain it. Maybe they WERE friends. It’s just weird how they showed it. He sometimes checked the bathrooms at night before he left, to make sure that Ryo wasn’t there. There were numerous times where he wandered the halls that were near the NEWS dressing room and offices to see if he was around or if he was alright.

“Why are you asking about Ryo?” Shige asked Ueda while, by chance, they shared an elevator together in the JE Offices. “He’s alive and well, thank you.”

“Just wondering,” Ueda said avoiding the younger man’s eyes and reading the songsheet he was holding.

“You’re weird,” Shige said conclusively as he left the elevator.

“Thanks,” Ueda said in reply to a very surprised Shige who shot him a weird look.

He was truly grateful for any bit of news about the boy. Especially those that in fact say that Ryo was doing well. He was annoyed at himself for feeling this way, but he couldn’t help it. He knew that he secretly bore half the weight the other boy had on his shoulders. If only Ryo knew that he was a friend.

We were walking and jostled by a wave of people We were lost in the cold streets
I had the same eyes as you though there wasn’t anything
With just that, we warmed the fragments of our hearts from waiting

Ueda remembered the last time he saw Nishikido Ryo. They were inside the hospital again and for some odd reason, they were both waiting for an appointment for the same doctor. Ryo had chosen to ignore his presence entirely while Ueda did the same. He just didn’t want to add to the agony the other boy already felt.

For one split second, their eyes met. Ryo and Ueda shared the same feeling of dread when the doctor called Nishikido.

Ganbatte he wanted to say. Instead, he nodded at the boy who nodded back silently. It was a cold way of sharing a feeling, but it would have to do. He felt glad that he could at least help Ryo with something, even his silent support and his secret caring could at least do something for him.

He waited more than an hour before Ryo finally emerged from the room. He looked at the boy questioningly and without words asked him how it went. He watched as  Ryo left the office, he looked back at Ueda and smiled a little and gave the other boy a thumbs up.
Ueda had to smile. The receptionist called him and he stood up as he so Ryo disappear through the door.

What he didn’t know was that Ryo was NOT ok. In fact, he was acting ok for Ueda’s sake. His disease has turned for the worse - it was only a matter of time. He didn’t want to risk it. He had to get out of the country  and try his luck elsewhere before his time is up.

I was thinking that dreaming the same thing as you the present would continue
No matter the lie, I wanted to protect all your secrets I believed in
If time happens to stop, I’ll always be waiting
A promise that almost vanishes between us is a Crazy Love within our memories

Ueda looked up from his screen where he found his keyboard wet with his tears. There was no denying that this was hard on him. Nishikido Ryo was not his archenemy. Not at all - only Ueda knew who Ryo was to him.

Ryo was his friend, his missing piece, the one who could complete him. Ryo was the only one who challenged him - who made him so angry because he couldn’t be like him. Ryo was his idol. Ryo was everything that he was not. To him, Ryo was a very important existence in his life.

Now that he was gone, who would he glare at? Who would he look to to see if he was getting better? Who would he bitch at and most importantly, who would be Ryo to him? He cried in earnest as he realized that the battle of Ryo versus Ueda had ended. And Ryo won… he could never be the person Ryo was. He could only aspire to be as pure and as good as him.

Part of him was angry, part of him was heartbroken and all of him was lonely and longing to see the boy again. He realized then, that he loved Ryo like a brother he never had. After all, isn’t that love-hate relationship something that brothers share? He smiled at the thought.

Wait for me Nishikido,  Ueda said silently. Wait for me up there, you and I still have a battle to continue. Im gonna beat you senseless, you weener! Think your death makes you escape me? You’re wrong. You’ve only won Round one I’ll continue what we started. When I get there,. Let’s get to round two and duke it out.

With that, Ueda stood up and took a shower. He had to get to Johnny’s Entertainment. He had work to do.

This Crazy Love that won’t happen ever again