to hallie, taylor, lindsay, becca, laura, and whoever else in this group still reads facebook
in lieu of recent events, i have begun thinking even more about the past year.
i feel like my eighteenth birthday is when the shit hit the fan in terms of my life.
it was the day my cat died, whom i had loved my entire life (and still do), it was the day i realized that i was not who i am. it was the day i was told i was not part of my family and that i was hated. it was a day when after that conversation, i was bullied and pressed by someone else i finally broke. it was a day of regret of birth, not celebration. it was my 18th.
thanks to michael patterson, however, i have a dvd that he made me (at the request of my parents) that is a synopsis of my entire life. thinking today about the past year, realizing that most of it seems like a bad dream that i am just starting to wake up from, remembering that i almost didnt make it this far, realizing that because I did, i can finally taste the happiness of life i have so often heard about but never understood. i watched that dvd today and cried my eyes out. i know i will watch it again with zach on friday, my real birthday, to help him understand my life, but i needed to see it by myself. to realize just how blessed i am to have the people in my life that i do. the pictures of my cousins and my family and i being happy were distant memories that never seemed real. that night at youth when we had an outside scavengar hunt in the rain, but tay hay talor and i would not give up and decided to play outside instead of running into the church. that weekend with lindsay and the hallmarks in orange beach. the first time i danced, sang, played a sport, got on a horse. all those days in spangle that i hated and loved all at the same time. the beginning and end of showchoir and church choir. all those memories were on this dvd. they all made me a part of who i am. i have just begun to grow. i have just begun to realize who i am, what i want to do, and who i want to be. i know that I am a child of God. i know that i have so many faults, but that by mulling over them it only makes things worse.
i know how to trust.
i know how to love.
i know how to be myself.
what a difference a year can make. its doesnt even seem real.
we have all gone our separate ways, but at least now we know that we can all come back home.
to our families.
to our homes.
to our friends.
so, with tears in my eyes,
iloveyall.
i feel like my eighteenth birthday is when the shit hit the fan in terms of my life.
it was the day my cat died, whom i had loved my entire life (and still do), it was the day i realized that i was not who i am. it was the day i was told i was not part of my family and that i was hated. it was a day when after that conversation, i was bullied and pressed by someone else i finally broke. it was a day of regret of birth, not celebration. it was my 18th.
thanks to michael patterson, however, i have a dvd that he made me (at the request of my parents) that is a synopsis of my entire life. thinking today about the past year, realizing that most of it seems like a bad dream that i am just starting to wake up from, remembering that i almost didnt make it this far, realizing that because I did, i can finally taste the happiness of life i have so often heard about but never understood. i watched that dvd today and cried my eyes out. i know i will watch it again with zach on friday, my real birthday, to help him understand my life, but i needed to see it by myself. to realize just how blessed i am to have the people in my life that i do. the pictures of my cousins and my family and i being happy were distant memories that never seemed real. that night at youth when we had an outside scavengar hunt in the rain, but tay hay talor and i would not give up and decided to play outside instead of running into the church. that weekend with lindsay and the hallmarks in orange beach. the first time i danced, sang, played a sport, got on a horse. all those days in spangle that i hated and loved all at the same time. the beginning and end of showchoir and church choir. all those memories were on this dvd. they all made me a part of who i am. i have just begun to grow. i have just begun to realize who i am, what i want to do, and who i want to be. i know that I am a child of God. i know that i have so many faults, but that by mulling over them it only makes things worse.
i know how to trust.
i know how to love.
i know how to be myself.
what a difference a year can make. its doesnt even seem real.
we have all gone our separate ways, but at least now we know that we can all come back home.
to our families.
to our homes.
to our friends.
so, with tears in my eyes,
iloveyall.