(no subject)
Title: Open Windows (1/2)
Author: mariakouyou
Rating: PG - 13
Pairings: Reita x Ruki
Disclaimer: i don’t claim ownership of any of the characters mentioned in this story.
Summary: "I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." - Nicholas Sparks
Takanori went to visit him everyday. He became quite for of him, being with him let Takanori get away from his problems, even if it was just for a little bit. Being with him was a distraction, as Takanori would say.
‘I still don’t know why you’re here.’ Takanori whispered as he traced his fingers on the wall he was leaning against. Akira smiled at him. ‘I don’t know why I’m in here either; maybe society just isn’t as accepting as we all thought.’
‘Society has never accepted people’s oddities.’ Takanori said. ‘Everything nowadays is so generic and you have to fit in a certain category.’ ‘I guess we defy those rules.’ Akira commented. ‘I don’t think you’re weird.’ Takanori looked at him skeptically. ‘I guess I’m just different.’
‘I guess you are.’ Akira laughed. ‘Where I come from, I’m considered the freak. The kid that no one likes, the kid that gets picked on because he doesn’t want to go outside and play football, the kid that the jocks laugh at because he covers his face. Maybe that’s why my ass is locked up in here.’ Takanori bit down on his bottom lip. ‘I would have been your friend.’ ‘That’s what you say now, but I’ve improved a lot since I came here. Before, I wasn’t allowed to have visitors due to my ‘erratic behavior’ so to speak.’ Akira said as his eyes shot up at Takanori.
‘So, you were violent?’ Takanori asked. ‘From what I can remember I was. I guess I just let all that anger build up inside of me. I used to get mad at my mother for no reason.’ Akira said. ‘I do recall hitting her once. My father got so angry with me; he slapped me across the face so hard that it stung for days.’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.’ Takanori said, he didn’t know what else to add. ‘Nothing to be sorry for, you just learn from your mistakes I guess.’
‘You say ‘I guess’ a lot.’ Takanori smiled as he observed Akira. Akira cleared his throat. ‘I-I don’t mean to, I guess.’ Akira tilted his head back in a defeated manner. ‘I’m sorry.’
Takanori laughed. ‘It’s okay. You shouldn’t guess though, you should know.’ ‘I don’t know anything anymore.’ Akira whispered as he looked out the window. ‘All I’ve come to know are these four walls.’
‘Don’t they ever let you out?’ Takanori asked bewilderedly. ‘From what they told me, they let their patients out every day, you know, to get fresh air.’ ‘They never let me out.’ Akira said. ‘They bring me food, they let me go to the bathroom and they let me go downstairs for my psychiatric evaluations, but outside, never.’
‘That’s crazy.’ Takanori exclaimed. ‘They should let you at least go for a walk.’ ‘I haven’t been out for so long, I don’t even know what the fresh air feels like anymore.’ Akira explained. ‘Last time I was out, was for Christmas when they let me go to my parents’ house, but that turned out sourly, and they never let me go again.’
‘Why?’ Takanori asked. ‘Did something happen?’ ‘Too much.’ Akira sighed. ‘I was trying hard to have a good time with my family, but my mother seemed scared of me. She was oblivious of my presence; she wasn’t affectionate like she usually is towards me. So in the middle of the night, I took a walk around the neighborhood. I walked and walked and the cops caught me, they questioned why I was out alone. I panicked, so I ran from them. And of course, they caught me. They took me to jail for a night, they called my mother and she refused to bail me out.’ Akira’s voice began diminishing to a whisper; he was almost on the verge of tears. ‘My own mother didn’t want to come get me out of jail. It broke my heart. So my uncle bailed me out. And ‘this’ place came to my house the next day, Christmas day, they came and got me, my mother was crying, she couldn’t stand the sight of me. I tried to talk to her, but she told me to go. I left my house crying, feeling unwanted, feeling disgusted with myself. And ever since then, ‘this’ place never lets me go anywhere.’
‘Aki-Akira, I don’t…if you want to cry, you can.’ Takanori couldn’t come up with what to say. ‘I’m all cried out.’ Akira wept. ‘I don’t think I could ever shed another tear.’ ‘Being here with you really makes me really think twice about myself.’ Takanori whispered. ‘What makes you say that?’ Akira looked at him with a questioning gaze. ‘I’m sorry if this offends you.’ Takanori began. ‘But I used to think my life was fucked up. But you definitely beat me.’ Akira laughed wryly. ‘I don’t take offend to it at all. I understand. But what makes you think that your life is fucked up?’ Takanori took a deep breath. ‘I just…I struggle with so much. With my parents, with school, with my friends. I always feel like what I do is never good enough, ever. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times, thinking that maybe doing something like that was going to make a difference. But what’s killing yourself going to do?’
Akira stared at Takanori intently. ‘I understand where you’re coming from Takanori, but I personally never resorted to suicide, because I thought it was stupid. Exactly like you said, what’s ending your life gonna do? It does more harm than good.’ ‘B-but at that point in my life, that seemed like a really good idea…’ Takanori trailed off.
‘It will never look attractive to me, I actually appreciate my life.’ Akira reiterated. Takanori smiled. ‘I like that about you.’ ‘What?’ Akira asked. ‘I like how even though you’ve gone through so much, you still haven’t given up.’ ‘And I won’t ever.’ Akira cut in. ‘I guess I have high expectations of myself.’ Takanori’s eyes shot up at him. ‘Ah, I mean, I know.’ Akira scratched the back of his neck. ‘I’ve always wanted to be in a band.’ Akira said. ‘Ever since I can remember, I would always listen to rock music from those American bands with the crazy hairs and I thought it would be amazing to be one of them.’ Takanori grinned. ‘I know what you mean; I listen to music to kind of get away from it all. I like to sing, I used to be in the choir at my school, but people used to make fun of me for it, so I quit.’
‘Why would you quit something as beautiful as singing?’ Akira asked. ‘I bet you sing amazingly.’ Takanori blushed. ‘Eh, you could say that.’ ‘I’d like to hear you sing sometime.’ Akira said as his cheeks grew a light shade of pink. ‘Perhaps.’ Takanori smiled.
Takanori walked home in the beautiful winter afternoon. The sun was beginning to set; the tiny icicles hanging from the houses glimmered with the contrast of the sun. Takanori reached his home; the fresh and untouched blanket of snow on his front yard was a silvery white, Takanori loved that about winter. He loved how everything was so immaculate and simplistic.
‘I’m home.’ He announced as he stepped inside, he wiped off the snow and ice off his boots. ‘Mom? Dad? Is anyone home?’ he called out again. He walked inside the kitchen, no one. He went upstairs, no one.
Takanori grew worried, he ran back downstairs and went inside the kitchen again. On top of the counter, he realized that there was a yellow piece of paper with a few words scribbled on it. ‘Taka, we’re out, we’ll be home a little bit late, but there’s food in the fridge. Please eat. Love, mom & dad.’ Takanori read the note again and again, shocked that his parent actually used the word ‘love’ and it being directed towards him.
He shrugged and opened the fridge, nothing seemed too appetizing, he wasn’t one to ever be hungry, maybe that’s why his parents worried.
Takanori went upstairs, he was surprisingly tired and the conversation that he had with Akira kept running through his mind. All the things Akira told him, all the things that he said were personal, and that meant something. It meant Akira actually trusted Takanori, he trusted him enough to tell him things about his past, things that still to this day, haunted him.
Takanori couldn’t believe that just a few weeks ago he had met Akira, and met him out of pure desperation. Takanori had no interest in getting to know any of the ‘asylum kids’ as he so negligently called them, but like always, life twisted fate.
‘Maybe my life isn’t as pointless as I make it out to be.’ Takanori said to his friend Yuu as they spoke on the phone. ‘Why would your life even be pointless?’ Yuu asked confoundedly. ‘It’s always been.’ Takanori sighed. ‘Nothing new.’ Yuu hummed on the other side of the line. ‘Taka, you should know that you’re alive for a reason. Your life is precious.’ ‘Everyone tells me that, and I think I’m starting to believe it.’ ‘Good, because it’s the truth.’ Yuu said lowly. ‘I just feel better when I talk to him.’ Takanori said. ‘Who’s him?’ Yuu asked. ‘Akira.’ His name escaped Takanori’s lip like a forbidden word. ‘Who’s Akira?’ But before Takanori could answer Yuu, he heard his parents pulling up in the driveway. ‘I’ll tell you later, gotta go, bye!’
Takanori threw his phone aside and pulled the covers over his head, pretending to be asleep. In a matter of minutes, he heard footsteps nearing his room. ‘Taka? Are you still awake?’ the woman that opened his bedroom door whispered. Takanori groaned. ‘Y-yeah.’ ‘Taka, honey.’ His mom began. ‘I-well your father and I want to speak to you, could you come downstairs?’
Takanori nodded and got out of his bed, following his mother down the stairs. ‘What’s this about?’ he asked, but got no response. ‘Son, sit down.’ His father commanded. Takanori, almost feeling a little bit fearful, sat down on the wooden chair. ‘Mom? Dad? What’s going on?’ he asked again. ‘Takanori, your father and I got an unfortunate call today.’ His mother began. ‘It was from your school, they say that you’re failing almost all your classes.’
Takanori’s eyes widened. ‘What? I-I checked with my teachers just last week, they said I was doing alright!’ ‘Alright, alright doesn’t cut it Takanori!’ his father shouted. ‘You’ve never struggled with school before! What’s gotten into you?!’ ‘Nothing!’ Takanori retorted. ‘Nothing has!’ ‘I think I know what it is….’ His father looked at him apprehensively. ‘It’s you going to that psych ward! Hanging around all those kids and ignoring your studies is making you slack!’
‘It’s not a psych ward.’ Takanori whispered, his voice almost breaking. ‘What would you know?’ his father blurted out. ‘The kids locked up in there are all crazy and have behavioral issues. I don’t want you hanging out with them.’ A small tear rolled down the side of Takanori’s face. ‘Oh, so now you’re gonna cry about it?’ his father shouted. ‘That’s it Takanori, from this day forward, you’re forbidden to go back to that place! Focus on school, focus on something that’s gonna help you in life! Don’t waste your time!’
‘You can’t do that to me!’ Takanori cried. ‘Going there helps me, it really does.’ ‘Taka honey, listen to your father, he knows what’s best for you.’ His mother said lowly. ‘Focus on school for awhile, get your grades up, and find more friends.’
‘But, what about A-Akira…’ Takanori trailed off. ‘A-who?’ his father questioned. ‘No one.’ Takanori whispered, he stepped out of the chair and walked back upstairs.
He sunk his face into his pillow and let out a profound cry. ‘But I’m never going to see Akira anymore…’ he thought to himself. ‘That’s not fair, they can’t do this to me…they just can’t.’
The next day Takanori had absolutely no desire to get up. His eyes were red and swollen from all the crying he did the previous night and his heart ached with the thought of never getting to see Akira again.
‘Takanori, hurry up, you’ll be late for school.’ He heard his mother shout from downstairs. Takanori dragged his feet into the bathroom; he looked at himself hard in the mirror, tracing his fingers up and down his cheeks. His eyes and nose were red, altogether he was a mess.
‘Can I just not go today?’ He whispered. But after the little talk he had with his parents, there was no way that he was going to be allowed to miss any school.
Takanori brushed his unkempt hair and washed up. He lazily went back into his room, he looked out the window and was intrigued with the small white flakes falling from the sky and stacking up neatly along the sides of his window.
He put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and his favorite blue fleece sweater. ‘Are you ready Taka? We gotta go.’ His mother called to him again. ‘I-I’m ready.’ Takanori announced as he walked downstairs. ‘Are you sure you’re not gonna be cold?’ his mom asked caringly. ‘Put another jacket on.’ Takanori sighed and put on his heavy winter coat.
‘Jeez mom, I’m gonna be okay.’ he huffed. ‘I know, but I just worry.’ His mother whispered. ‘Come on, go get in the car. It’s already warmed up.’
Takanori stepped outside, the wind chill was colder than it had been the previous day and the snowflakes were falling violently down to the ground. It’s was obvious that winter had arrived and Christmas was just around the corner.
The car ride from his house to school was prosaic. Neither Takanori nor his mom said anything. Takanori tried to get the courage to say something about his father’s rash decision, the decision of never letting him see Akira again. He wanted to know why all of a sudden his parents didn’t allow him to go, when he had been going for almost four weeks.
‘Mom, I-…’ ‘Taka, I know your father can be a little irrational at times, but he’s doing this for your own good.’ His mother cut in. ‘But, I just don’t understand why. Mom, I have a friend there. A friend that listens to me, a friend that cares.’ Takanori explained. ‘Sweetie, we listen, we care. We love you.’ His mom smiled and rubbed the side of his face. ‘No you don’t!’ Takanori spat out sourly. ‘You don’t care! If you did you would have said something!’ ‘Taka, your dad…you know how-…’ ‘Are you scared of him or something?!’ Takanori interrupted. ‘Mom, you know what going there means to me!’ Takanori’s mom sighed deeply. ‘I know, but I can’t interject in your father’s wishes. I’m sorry Taka.’
Takanori wiped a tear that was beginning to form in his tear duct. ‘If you really love me, then you would have said something, and the consequences shouldn’t even matter.’ ‘I-I just can’t….’ His mom trailed off. Takanori opened the door of the car and got out, closing the door violently.
He waited until he knew his mother’s car had driven off, and then he began walking towards the Institute where Akira was at. ‘I don’t care anymore, I won’t listen to them, and they can’t take away the only thing I have left.’ Takanori whispered to himself. He walked in the cold and unpleasant morning, each snowflake that fell on his face felt like a needle stabbing him. The wind was tremendously cold, and Takanori’s legs felt almost immobile. The cold taking over him was far too much to handle.
‘Aiko, Aiko!’ Takanori panted as he walked inside the building. ‘Aiko…’ Aiko was one of the nurses there and she was always at the front desk when Takanori visited. ‘Taka, what happened!? Why are you here so early?’ Aiko asked as she grabbed Takanori by his shoulders. Takanori tried to catch his breath, tried to let the warm atmosphere consume him. ‘I-I need to speak to Akira.’ Takanori finally said. Aiko smiled warmly. ‘Well, actually he just had breakfast; I’ll go tell him that you’re here.’
Takanori sat down on one of the benches; he rubbed his hands together hoping that maybe that would ignite some warmth to run through his body. ‘Erm, Taka, you can come in now.’ Aiko said as her usual warm smile spread across her cheeks. ‘Thank you.’ Takanori whispered as he stepped inside the Institutes main hallway.
He walked down the long white corridor, if he didn’t know any better, he would’ve guess that he was in one of those Stephen King movies. Finally he reached the room that he knew by heart now, room number 459, Akira’s room. He knocked gently on the door.
‘Akira? It’s me.’ Takanori said softly. No response. Takanori ignored the uncomfortable silence and opened the door anyway.
Takanori stepped inside Akira’s room. Usually, Akira’s room was warm and inviting, but at that moment, the atmosphere in his room was icy and hostile. Akira was sitting on his bed, facing the window. Takanori looked at him perceptively. ‘Don’t you just love it when it snows?’ Akira asked in a frivolous tone. ‘It’s so pretty outside, don’t you think?’
‘I love the snow.’ Takanori agreed. ‘It does make outside look pretty.’ ‘What brings you here?’ Akira asked changing the subject. ‘Well, I, I came here because I wanted to speak to you.’ Takanori muttered. ‘Speak to me about what?’ Akira raised an eyebrow. ‘My parents, they think I’m doing horrible in school, and they’re blaming you for it, well not you, but me coming here, they think it’s distracting.’ Akira cleared his throat. ‘Well then maybe you shouldn’t come here anymore.’ Takanori diverted his eyes to Akira. ‘What?! Why would you say that?’
‘School is important, I guess.’ Akira mumbled. ‘Am I even talking to Akira right now?’ Takanori said, growing aggravated. ‘Maybe your parents are right. Maybe this place is distracting you.’ ‘Akira, what are you saying?! You never want me to see you again?’ Takanori cried. ‘I never said that Taka.’ Akira said as he finally turned around to face Takanori. ‘I simply said that you shouldn’t come here anymore, never mentioned anything about me.’ ‘But Akira, you live here, where else am I supposed to see you?’ ‘I could try sneaking out…though that never works.’ Akira rubbed his temples.
‘Hm, it’s too early for me to think Takanori.’ Akira complained. ‘Come back later.’ ‘Akira, you ass, I ditched school to come here! If my parents find out, I’m dead!’ ‘Hey, hey, you’re the one that came here to tell me this, you could have waited, but no, Takanori doesn’t like to wait. He doesn’t like it at all.’ Akira said in a voice that didn’t sound like him, it was an odd almost eerie voice; it was as if though Akira had left, and someone else was in his body, someone demented and completely not like him.
‘Akira…What the hell is going on with you?’ Takanori asked as he began to back away. ‘Nothing Taka, nothing. Just looking outside, looking at the snow.’ Akira replied. ‘Just another Christmas locked up in my personal hell, another Christmas alone.’
‘I thought you would care.’ Takanori whispered. ‘I thought I had a friend I could trust, I thought I could count on you Akira.’ Takanori started to quietly sob. Akira continued to disregard him as he looked out the window. ‘I guess you’re just like all those other kids out there, one minute they pretend like they care, and when you need them most, they just leave your side.’
‘Fine Akira, I’ll leave, I won’t ever come back, if that’s what you want.’ Takanori choked up those heartbreaking words. ‘It was nice meeting you.’
As Takanori left Akira’s room, Akira made no sudden movement to try and stop him, he had absolutely no interest, all he could do was look outside the window, he had become a prisoner of his own mind. Akira’s own personal hell was that he no longer felt any love; he was a stranger to it. His heart had become much like his room, a padded cell. Akira was afraid to love, he was afraid to have everything taken away from him, like it had been in the past. His mother’s rejection was the worst pain Akira had ever endured; he feared rejection more than anything.
Takanori left abruptly, he didn’t want to think about Akira again. He was confused; he felt like he had been stabbed in the back, he felt things he’s never felt before. He was starting to develop feelings for Akira, just the thought of him made his cheeks burn with a bright pink tint. And when Akira showed absolutely no interest in him, that hurt Takanori. It hurt him more than the countless times he was made fun of, he could take all the verbal harassment and physical pain, but he never thought that the thing to cause him the most pain was going to be Akira’s cold words.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t come here anymore.’
Those words stung Takanori. They stung him deep within his heart; he could still hear Akira’s husky voice repeating them over and over in his head. Just when he was starting to feel comfortable and he was starting to warm up to him, he gets denied.
‘It hurts more than it should.’ Takanori whispered to himself. He went to sit near a frozen pond, picking up numerous rocks from the ground, each rock was practically frozen and it felt like he was holding ice cubes in his hands. Takanori rubbed each rock carefully, scraping off the tiny pieces of ice that had formed.
The snow was starting to diminish to a light flurry. The sky was a pale white, with slight hints of blue. The sun was concealed by the heavy clouds, but you could still distinguish its reflection. The wind had also died down, but it was still chilly. Takanori buttoned up his jacket and put his gloves back on. He figured it was too late to go to school, but too early to go home.
He was already out, what other kinds of trouble could he possibly get into? Takanori decided to just remain out, far from his school’s campus and far from his home.
Takanori felt like all his energy had been drained, he was actually anticipating some form of reaction from Akira when he told him what had happened, and maybe he would still be with Akira right now, in his room, feeding off of each others warmth, instead of walking alone in the freezing morning.
‘I just don’t get it…’ Takanori breathed out, each word he said aloud came out like a ghastly whisper. ‘Why is he doing this?’
Takanori stayed out the whole afternoon, he was sure he was gonna catch a cold after this. Finally, around 3pm, when he was supposedly released from school, he started walking towards his house. He had done a lot of thinking in those few hours, he was starting to make himself believe that maybe he didn’t need Akira. Maybe he could find another friend with common likes and hardships. Yuu was Takanori’s closest friend, they shared the majority of things in common, but unlike Takanori, Yuu liked to be social and he liked to interact with other kids. Each time Yuu invited Takanori to a high school party, Takanori would make up some silly excuse not to go.
It was the kind of thing for Takanori to do. He hated meeting new people; he hated putting himself out there. He was always self conscious of how other people perceived him. It had taken a lot out of him to actually volunteer at the Institution for the mentally unstable. He honestly thought he wasn’t going to meet anyone with enough intellect and he was sure he wasn’t going to make friends.
That all changed of course, when he met Akira. Right off the bat, Akira’s eyes glittered with anticipation as he saw the shorter boy approaching him. ‘H-hi, I’m Takanori.’ Takanori nervously choked out. ‘Hello, I’m Akira.’ Akira replied confidently.
Akira felt like this was the beginning of a beautiful new friendship. Takanori wasn’t sure at first; he remembered how excited Akira was when he first spoke to him. Takanori knew he was the only person that had actually bothered to talk to Akira, and that’s exactly what Akira wanted; he wanted someone to listen to him.
Takanori would sit for hours with Akira, listening to his life story. Akira would always tell him stories about his childhood, all the happy memories he had growing up, but then, he began getting to the most tragic ones. Right when he hit high school, that’s when everything got out of hand.
Akira always avoided going in depth with what had really happened, he would touch on the subject, but he never wanted to fully explain, but Takanori just wanted to know, he yearned for answers. He finally got Akira to tell him, and maybe that’s the reason why Akira was acting like this now.
Maybe Akira was apprehensive about letting anyone in on his past. Takanori felt like he was starting to gain Akira’s trust, that’s why he asked such bold questions. Takanori didn’t have any problem talking about the bitter times in his life; actually, hearing other people’s stories helped Takanori deal with his own.
But upon hearing what Akira had to say, Takanori was speechless. He didn’t think it was that serious, he always doubted why Akira was even locked up in this facility. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with him, locking Akira up in a place like this was a perfect example of how today’s society has failed.
Sure, go ahead and lock up the kid that wants to be different, lock up the kid that stands up for what he believes in. Akira never let anyone get to him, he had more pride than he could handle, but when the picking on got out of hand, all his pride became anger. He would lash out at random people, at random times, and him showing violence towards his mother is what got him locked up. He didn’t want it to end like this; he hated feeling like a monster for attacking his own mother.
The moment Akira felt those algid handcuffs wrap around his wrists, that’s when he knew he had really screwed up.
Takanori finally got home safe and sound, the sky was still as white as it had been in the morning, and it was a clear sign that perhaps another snow storm was on its way. Takanori entered his quiet and cold home, he knew that his parents usually didn’t get home till late in the evening and he hoped that his school wasn’t going to try to inform then that he didn’t show up that day.
Takanori went straight upstairs to his room; with each step that he took he could feel his heart beating against his throat. He still didn’t know how to feel, maybe resting was the best answer. He lay in bed, looking above him; the ceiling was much like the sky; white and bleak, the color white always reminded Takanori of sorrow and of suffering. It reminded him too much of all the pain he’s gone through. Each time he had tried to take his life away, he always encountered a white wall, a dead end.
Back at the institution, Akira did the same. He lay in bed; he stayed there all morning and all afternoon. He didn’t move an inch when Takanori left. Akira was feeling the same feelings as Takanori, indescribable feelings. He felt guilty for turning his back on Takanori and he felt dumb for not stopping him.
Around 9pm, Akira decided that he couldn’t just leave it like this, he had to do something. He called Aiko down to his room. ‘Aiko?’ he called out. You could hear her small feet scattering in the hallway responding to Akira’s call. ‘Yes?’ she asked as she got to his room. ‘Aiko, do you think you could do a huge favor for me?’ Akira asked meekly. Aiko looked at him curiously. ‘Depends, what is it?’ ‘I-I need to see Takanori’s sign up sheet, you know? The one he gave you when he applied to come help here.’ Akira’s voice was full of determination, he was almost sure Aiko was going to say yes. ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘I just need it, please.’ Akira pleaded. Aiko looked at him with questioning eyes, but instead of asking another question, she walked back to her desk and began searching for Takanori’s sign up sheet. ‘Come here then Aki.’ She called out sweetly. Shocked, Akira fully opened the door to his room and carefully walked to Aiko’s desk. ‘Here.’ She handed him a white paper with a ton of information written on it. ‘Thank you!’ Akira smiled. ‘But why do you need it?’ Aiko asked again. ‘Is there something you’re looking for?’ Akira nodded. ‘I just need to see something; I’ll give it right back Ai.’
Akira walked back to his room and closed the door. ‘Well, that was almost too easy.’ He said, but before he could go any farther, he felt the presence of another person in the room.
‘If you’re planning on doing something reckless Akira.’ Aiko began. ‘You better let me help.’
Author: mariakouyou
Rating: PG - 13
Pairings: Reita x Ruki
Disclaimer: i don’t claim ownership of any of the characters mentioned in this story.
Summary: "I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be." - Nicholas Sparks
Takanori went to visit him everyday. He became quite for of him, being with him let Takanori get away from his problems, even if it was just for a little bit. Being with him was a distraction, as Takanori would say.
‘I still don’t know why you’re here.’ Takanori whispered as he traced his fingers on the wall he was leaning against. Akira smiled at him. ‘I don’t know why I’m in here either; maybe society just isn’t as accepting as we all thought.’
‘Society has never accepted people’s oddities.’ Takanori said. ‘Everything nowadays is so generic and you have to fit in a certain category.’ ‘I guess we defy those rules.’ Akira commented. ‘I don’t think you’re weird.’ Takanori looked at him skeptically. ‘I guess I’m just different.’
‘I guess you are.’ Akira laughed. ‘Where I come from, I’m considered the freak. The kid that no one likes, the kid that gets picked on because he doesn’t want to go outside and play football, the kid that the jocks laugh at because he covers his face. Maybe that’s why my ass is locked up in here.’ Takanori bit down on his bottom lip. ‘I would have been your friend.’ ‘That’s what you say now, but I’ve improved a lot since I came here. Before, I wasn’t allowed to have visitors due to my ‘erratic behavior’ so to speak.’ Akira said as his eyes shot up at Takanori.
‘So, you were violent?’ Takanori asked. ‘From what I can remember I was. I guess I just let all that anger build up inside of me. I used to get mad at my mother for no reason.’ Akira said. ‘I do recall hitting her once. My father got so angry with me; he slapped me across the face so hard that it stung for days.’ ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.’ Takanori said, he didn’t know what else to add. ‘Nothing to be sorry for, you just learn from your mistakes I guess.’
‘You say ‘I guess’ a lot.’ Takanori smiled as he observed Akira. Akira cleared his throat. ‘I-I don’t mean to, I guess.’ Akira tilted his head back in a defeated manner. ‘I’m sorry.’
Takanori laughed. ‘It’s okay. You shouldn’t guess though, you should know.’ ‘I don’t know anything anymore.’ Akira whispered as he looked out the window. ‘All I’ve come to know are these four walls.’
‘Don’t they ever let you out?’ Takanori asked bewilderedly. ‘From what they told me, they let their patients out every day, you know, to get fresh air.’ ‘They never let me out.’ Akira said. ‘They bring me food, they let me go to the bathroom and they let me go downstairs for my psychiatric evaluations, but outside, never.’
‘That’s crazy.’ Takanori exclaimed. ‘They should let you at least go for a walk.’ ‘I haven’t been out for so long, I don’t even know what the fresh air feels like anymore.’ Akira explained. ‘Last time I was out, was for Christmas when they let me go to my parents’ house, but that turned out sourly, and they never let me go again.’
‘Why?’ Takanori asked. ‘Did something happen?’ ‘Too much.’ Akira sighed. ‘I was trying hard to have a good time with my family, but my mother seemed scared of me. She was oblivious of my presence; she wasn’t affectionate like she usually is towards me. So in the middle of the night, I took a walk around the neighborhood. I walked and walked and the cops caught me, they questioned why I was out alone. I panicked, so I ran from them. And of course, they caught me. They took me to jail for a night, they called my mother and she refused to bail me out.’ Akira’s voice began diminishing to a whisper; he was almost on the verge of tears. ‘My own mother didn’t want to come get me out of jail. It broke my heart. So my uncle bailed me out. And ‘this’ place came to my house the next day, Christmas day, they came and got me, my mother was crying, she couldn’t stand the sight of me. I tried to talk to her, but she told me to go. I left my house crying, feeling unwanted, feeling disgusted with myself. And ever since then, ‘this’ place never lets me go anywhere.’
‘Aki-Akira, I don’t…if you want to cry, you can.’ Takanori couldn’t come up with what to say. ‘I’m all cried out.’ Akira wept. ‘I don’t think I could ever shed another tear.’ ‘Being here with you really makes me really think twice about myself.’ Takanori whispered. ‘What makes you say that?’ Akira looked at him with a questioning gaze. ‘I’m sorry if this offends you.’ Takanori began. ‘But I used to think my life was fucked up. But you definitely beat me.’ Akira laughed wryly. ‘I don’t take offend to it at all. I understand. But what makes you think that your life is fucked up?’ Takanori took a deep breath. ‘I just…I struggle with so much. With my parents, with school, with my friends. I always feel like what I do is never good enough, ever. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times, thinking that maybe doing something like that was going to make a difference. But what’s killing yourself going to do?’
Akira stared at Takanori intently. ‘I understand where you’re coming from Takanori, but I personally never resorted to suicide, because I thought it was stupid. Exactly like you said, what’s ending your life gonna do? It does more harm than good.’ ‘B-but at that point in my life, that seemed like a really good idea…’ Takanori trailed off.
‘It will never look attractive to me, I actually appreciate my life.’ Akira reiterated. Takanori smiled. ‘I like that about you.’ ‘What?’ Akira asked. ‘I like how even though you’ve gone through so much, you still haven’t given up.’ ‘And I won’t ever.’ Akira cut in. ‘I guess I have high expectations of myself.’ Takanori’s eyes shot up at him. ‘Ah, I mean, I know.’ Akira scratched the back of his neck. ‘I’ve always wanted to be in a band.’ Akira said. ‘Ever since I can remember, I would always listen to rock music from those American bands with the crazy hairs and I thought it would be amazing to be one of them.’ Takanori grinned. ‘I know what you mean; I listen to music to kind of get away from it all. I like to sing, I used to be in the choir at my school, but people used to make fun of me for it, so I quit.’
‘Why would you quit something as beautiful as singing?’ Akira asked. ‘I bet you sing amazingly.’ Takanori blushed. ‘Eh, you could say that.’ ‘I’d like to hear you sing sometime.’ Akira said as his cheeks grew a light shade of pink. ‘Perhaps.’ Takanori smiled.
Takanori walked home in the beautiful winter afternoon. The sun was beginning to set; the tiny icicles hanging from the houses glimmered with the contrast of the sun. Takanori reached his home; the fresh and untouched blanket of snow on his front yard was a silvery white, Takanori loved that about winter. He loved how everything was so immaculate and simplistic.
‘I’m home.’ He announced as he stepped inside, he wiped off the snow and ice off his boots. ‘Mom? Dad? Is anyone home?’ he called out again. He walked inside the kitchen, no one. He went upstairs, no one.
Takanori grew worried, he ran back downstairs and went inside the kitchen again. On top of the counter, he realized that there was a yellow piece of paper with a few words scribbled on it. ‘Taka, we’re out, we’ll be home a little bit late, but there’s food in the fridge. Please eat. Love, mom & dad.’ Takanori read the note again and again, shocked that his parent actually used the word ‘love’ and it being directed towards him.
He shrugged and opened the fridge, nothing seemed too appetizing, he wasn’t one to ever be hungry, maybe that’s why his parents worried.
Takanori went upstairs, he was surprisingly tired and the conversation that he had with Akira kept running through his mind. All the things Akira told him, all the things that he said were personal, and that meant something. It meant Akira actually trusted Takanori, he trusted him enough to tell him things about his past, things that still to this day, haunted him.
Takanori couldn’t believe that just a few weeks ago he had met Akira, and met him out of pure desperation. Takanori had no interest in getting to know any of the ‘asylum kids’ as he so negligently called them, but like always, life twisted fate.
‘Maybe my life isn’t as pointless as I make it out to be.’ Takanori said to his friend Yuu as they spoke on the phone. ‘Why would your life even be pointless?’ Yuu asked confoundedly. ‘It’s always been.’ Takanori sighed. ‘Nothing new.’ Yuu hummed on the other side of the line. ‘Taka, you should know that you’re alive for a reason. Your life is precious.’ ‘Everyone tells me that, and I think I’m starting to believe it.’ ‘Good, because it’s the truth.’ Yuu said lowly. ‘I just feel better when I talk to him.’ Takanori said. ‘Who’s him?’ Yuu asked. ‘Akira.’ His name escaped Takanori’s lip like a forbidden word. ‘Who’s Akira?’ But before Takanori could answer Yuu, he heard his parents pulling up in the driveway. ‘I’ll tell you later, gotta go, bye!’
Takanori threw his phone aside and pulled the covers over his head, pretending to be asleep. In a matter of minutes, he heard footsteps nearing his room. ‘Taka? Are you still awake?’ the woman that opened his bedroom door whispered. Takanori groaned. ‘Y-yeah.’ ‘Taka, honey.’ His mom began. ‘I-well your father and I want to speak to you, could you come downstairs?’
Takanori nodded and got out of his bed, following his mother down the stairs. ‘What’s this about?’ he asked, but got no response. ‘Son, sit down.’ His father commanded. Takanori, almost feeling a little bit fearful, sat down on the wooden chair. ‘Mom? Dad? What’s going on?’ he asked again. ‘Takanori, your father and I got an unfortunate call today.’ His mother began. ‘It was from your school, they say that you’re failing almost all your classes.’
Takanori’s eyes widened. ‘What? I-I checked with my teachers just last week, they said I was doing alright!’ ‘Alright, alright doesn’t cut it Takanori!’ his father shouted. ‘You’ve never struggled with school before! What’s gotten into you?!’ ‘Nothing!’ Takanori retorted. ‘Nothing has!’ ‘I think I know what it is….’ His father looked at him apprehensively. ‘It’s you going to that psych ward! Hanging around all those kids and ignoring your studies is making you slack!’
‘It’s not a psych ward.’ Takanori whispered, his voice almost breaking. ‘What would you know?’ his father blurted out. ‘The kids locked up in there are all crazy and have behavioral issues. I don’t want you hanging out with them.’ A small tear rolled down the side of Takanori’s face. ‘Oh, so now you’re gonna cry about it?’ his father shouted. ‘That’s it Takanori, from this day forward, you’re forbidden to go back to that place! Focus on school, focus on something that’s gonna help you in life! Don’t waste your time!’
‘You can’t do that to me!’ Takanori cried. ‘Going there helps me, it really does.’ ‘Taka honey, listen to your father, he knows what’s best for you.’ His mother said lowly. ‘Focus on school for awhile, get your grades up, and find more friends.’
‘But, what about A-Akira…’ Takanori trailed off. ‘A-who?’ his father questioned. ‘No one.’ Takanori whispered, he stepped out of the chair and walked back upstairs.
He sunk his face into his pillow and let out a profound cry. ‘But I’m never going to see Akira anymore…’ he thought to himself. ‘That’s not fair, they can’t do this to me…they just can’t.’
The next day Takanori had absolutely no desire to get up. His eyes were red and swollen from all the crying he did the previous night and his heart ached with the thought of never getting to see Akira again.
‘Takanori, hurry up, you’ll be late for school.’ He heard his mother shout from downstairs. Takanori dragged his feet into the bathroom; he looked at himself hard in the mirror, tracing his fingers up and down his cheeks. His eyes and nose were red, altogether he was a mess.
‘Can I just not go today?’ He whispered. But after the little talk he had with his parents, there was no way that he was going to be allowed to miss any school.
Takanori brushed his unkempt hair and washed up. He lazily went back into his room, he looked out the window and was intrigued with the small white flakes falling from the sky and stacking up neatly along the sides of his window.
He put on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and his favorite blue fleece sweater. ‘Are you ready Taka? We gotta go.’ His mother called to him again. ‘I-I’m ready.’ Takanori announced as he walked downstairs. ‘Are you sure you’re not gonna be cold?’ his mom asked caringly. ‘Put another jacket on.’ Takanori sighed and put on his heavy winter coat.
‘Jeez mom, I’m gonna be okay.’ he huffed. ‘I know, but I just worry.’ His mother whispered. ‘Come on, go get in the car. It’s already warmed up.’
Takanori stepped outside, the wind chill was colder than it had been the previous day and the snowflakes were falling violently down to the ground. It’s was obvious that winter had arrived and Christmas was just around the corner.
The car ride from his house to school was prosaic. Neither Takanori nor his mom said anything. Takanori tried to get the courage to say something about his father’s rash decision, the decision of never letting him see Akira again. He wanted to know why all of a sudden his parents didn’t allow him to go, when he had been going for almost four weeks.
‘Mom, I-…’ ‘Taka, I know your father can be a little irrational at times, but he’s doing this for your own good.’ His mother cut in. ‘But, I just don’t understand why. Mom, I have a friend there. A friend that listens to me, a friend that cares.’ Takanori explained. ‘Sweetie, we listen, we care. We love you.’ His mom smiled and rubbed the side of his face. ‘No you don’t!’ Takanori spat out sourly. ‘You don’t care! If you did you would have said something!’ ‘Taka, your dad…you know how-…’ ‘Are you scared of him or something?!’ Takanori interrupted. ‘Mom, you know what going there means to me!’ Takanori’s mom sighed deeply. ‘I know, but I can’t interject in your father’s wishes. I’m sorry Taka.’
Takanori wiped a tear that was beginning to form in his tear duct. ‘If you really love me, then you would have said something, and the consequences shouldn’t even matter.’ ‘I-I just can’t….’ His mom trailed off. Takanori opened the door of the car and got out, closing the door violently.
He waited until he knew his mother’s car had driven off, and then he began walking towards the Institute where Akira was at. ‘I don’t care anymore, I won’t listen to them, and they can’t take away the only thing I have left.’ Takanori whispered to himself. He walked in the cold and unpleasant morning, each snowflake that fell on his face felt like a needle stabbing him. The wind was tremendously cold, and Takanori’s legs felt almost immobile. The cold taking over him was far too much to handle.
‘Aiko, Aiko!’ Takanori panted as he walked inside the building. ‘Aiko…’ Aiko was one of the nurses there and she was always at the front desk when Takanori visited. ‘Taka, what happened!? Why are you here so early?’ Aiko asked as she grabbed Takanori by his shoulders. Takanori tried to catch his breath, tried to let the warm atmosphere consume him. ‘I-I need to speak to Akira.’ Takanori finally said. Aiko smiled warmly. ‘Well, actually he just had breakfast; I’ll go tell him that you’re here.’
Takanori sat down on one of the benches; he rubbed his hands together hoping that maybe that would ignite some warmth to run through his body. ‘Erm, Taka, you can come in now.’ Aiko said as her usual warm smile spread across her cheeks. ‘Thank you.’ Takanori whispered as he stepped inside the Institutes main hallway.
He walked down the long white corridor, if he didn’t know any better, he would’ve guess that he was in one of those Stephen King movies. Finally he reached the room that he knew by heart now, room number 459, Akira’s room. He knocked gently on the door.
‘Akira? It’s me.’ Takanori said softly. No response. Takanori ignored the uncomfortable silence and opened the door anyway.
Takanori stepped inside Akira’s room. Usually, Akira’s room was warm and inviting, but at that moment, the atmosphere in his room was icy and hostile. Akira was sitting on his bed, facing the window. Takanori looked at him perceptively. ‘Don’t you just love it when it snows?’ Akira asked in a frivolous tone. ‘It’s so pretty outside, don’t you think?’
‘I love the snow.’ Takanori agreed. ‘It does make outside look pretty.’ ‘What brings you here?’ Akira asked changing the subject. ‘Well, I, I came here because I wanted to speak to you.’ Takanori muttered. ‘Speak to me about what?’ Akira raised an eyebrow. ‘My parents, they think I’m doing horrible in school, and they’re blaming you for it, well not you, but me coming here, they think it’s distracting.’ Akira cleared his throat. ‘Well then maybe you shouldn’t come here anymore.’ Takanori diverted his eyes to Akira. ‘What?! Why would you say that?’
‘School is important, I guess.’ Akira mumbled. ‘Am I even talking to Akira right now?’ Takanori said, growing aggravated. ‘Maybe your parents are right. Maybe this place is distracting you.’ ‘Akira, what are you saying?! You never want me to see you again?’ Takanori cried. ‘I never said that Taka.’ Akira said as he finally turned around to face Takanori. ‘I simply said that you shouldn’t come here anymore, never mentioned anything about me.’ ‘But Akira, you live here, where else am I supposed to see you?’ ‘I could try sneaking out…though that never works.’ Akira rubbed his temples.
‘Hm, it’s too early for me to think Takanori.’ Akira complained. ‘Come back later.’ ‘Akira, you ass, I ditched school to come here! If my parents find out, I’m dead!’ ‘Hey, hey, you’re the one that came here to tell me this, you could have waited, but no, Takanori doesn’t like to wait. He doesn’t like it at all.’ Akira said in a voice that didn’t sound like him, it was an odd almost eerie voice; it was as if though Akira had left, and someone else was in his body, someone demented and completely not like him.
‘Akira…What the hell is going on with you?’ Takanori asked as he began to back away. ‘Nothing Taka, nothing. Just looking outside, looking at the snow.’ Akira replied. ‘Just another Christmas locked up in my personal hell, another Christmas alone.’
‘I thought you would care.’ Takanori whispered. ‘I thought I had a friend I could trust, I thought I could count on you Akira.’ Takanori started to quietly sob. Akira continued to disregard him as he looked out the window. ‘I guess you’re just like all those other kids out there, one minute they pretend like they care, and when you need them most, they just leave your side.’
‘Fine Akira, I’ll leave, I won’t ever come back, if that’s what you want.’ Takanori choked up those heartbreaking words. ‘It was nice meeting you.’
As Takanori left Akira’s room, Akira made no sudden movement to try and stop him, he had absolutely no interest, all he could do was look outside the window, he had become a prisoner of his own mind. Akira’s own personal hell was that he no longer felt any love; he was a stranger to it. His heart had become much like his room, a padded cell. Akira was afraid to love, he was afraid to have everything taken away from him, like it had been in the past. His mother’s rejection was the worst pain Akira had ever endured; he feared rejection more than anything.
Takanori left abruptly, he didn’t want to think about Akira again. He was confused; he felt like he had been stabbed in the back, he felt things he’s never felt before. He was starting to develop feelings for Akira, just the thought of him made his cheeks burn with a bright pink tint. And when Akira showed absolutely no interest in him, that hurt Takanori. It hurt him more than the countless times he was made fun of, he could take all the verbal harassment and physical pain, but he never thought that the thing to cause him the most pain was going to be Akira’s cold words.
‘Maybe you shouldn’t come here anymore.’
Those words stung Takanori. They stung him deep within his heart; he could still hear Akira’s husky voice repeating them over and over in his head. Just when he was starting to feel comfortable and he was starting to warm up to him, he gets denied.
‘It hurts more than it should.’ Takanori whispered to himself. He went to sit near a frozen pond, picking up numerous rocks from the ground, each rock was practically frozen and it felt like he was holding ice cubes in his hands. Takanori rubbed each rock carefully, scraping off the tiny pieces of ice that had formed.
The snow was starting to diminish to a light flurry. The sky was a pale white, with slight hints of blue. The sun was concealed by the heavy clouds, but you could still distinguish its reflection. The wind had also died down, but it was still chilly. Takanori buttoned up his jacket and put his gloves back on. He figured it was too late to go to school, but too early to go home.
He was already out, what other kinds of trouble could he possibly get into? Takanori decided to just remain out, far from his school’s campus and far from his home.
Takanori felt like all his energy had been drained, he was actually anticipating some form of reaction from Akira when he told him what had happened, and maybe he would still be with Akira right now, in his room, feeding off of each others warmth, instead of walking alone in the freezing morning.
‘I just don’t get it…’ Takanori breathed out, each word he said aloud came out like a ghastly whisper. ‘Why is he doing this?’
Takanori stayed out the whole afternoon, he was sure he was gonna catch a cold after this. Finally, around 3pm, when he was supposedly released from school, he started walking towards his house. He had done a lot of thinking in those few hours, he was starting to make himself believe that maybe he didn’t need Akira. Maybe he could find another friend with common likes and hardships. Yuu was Takanori’s closest friend, they shared the majority of things in common, but unlike Takanori, Yuu liked to be social and he liked to interact with other kids. Each time Yuu invited Takanori to a high school party, Takanori would make up some silly excuse not to go.
It was the kind of thing for Takanori to do. He hated meeting new people; he hated putting himself out there. He was always self conscious of how other people perceived him. It had taken a lot out of him to actually volunteer at the Institution for the mentally unstable. He honestly thought he wasn’t going to meet anyone with enough intellect and he was sure he wasn’t going to make friends.
That all changed of course, when he met Akira. Right off the bat, Akira’s eyes glittered with anticipation as he saw the shorter boy approaching him. ‘H-hi, I’m Takanori.’ Takanori nervously choked out. ‘Hello, I’m Akira.’ Akira replied confidently.
Akira felt like this was the beginning of a beautiful new friendship. Takanori wasn’t sure at first; he remembered how excited Akira was when he first spoke to him. Takanori knew he was the only person that had actually bothered to talk to Akira, and that’s exactly what Akira wanted; he wanted someone to listen to him.
Takanori would sit for hours with Akira, listening to his life story. Akira would always tell him stories about his childhood, all the happy memories he had growing up, but then, he began getting to the most tragic ones. Right when he hit high school, that’s when everything got out of hand.
Akira always avoided going in depth with what had really happened, he would touch on the subject, but he never wanted to fully explain, but Takanori just wanted to know, he yearned for answers. He finally got Akira to tell him, and maybe that’s the reason why Akira was acting like this now.
Maybe Akira was apprehensive about letting anyone in on his past. Takanori felt like he was starting to gain Akira’s trust, that’s why he asked such bold questions. Takanori didn’t have any problem talking about the bitter times in his life; actually, hearing other people’s stories helped Takanori deal with his own.
But upon hearing what Akira had to say, Takanori was speechless. He didn’t think it was that serious, he always doubted why Akira was even locked up in this facility. He saw absolutely nothing wrong with him, locking Akira up in a place like this was a perfect example of how today’s society has failed.
Sure, go ahead and lock up the kid that wants to be different, lock up the kid that stands up for what he believes in. Akira never let anyone get to him, he had more pride than he could handle, but when the picking on got out of hand, all his pride became anger. He would lash out at random people, at random times, and him showing violence towards his mother is what got him locked up. He didn’t want it to end like this; he hated feeling like a monster for attacking his own mother.
The moment Akira felt those algid handcuffs wrap around his wrists, that’s when he knew he had really screwed up.
Takanori finally got home safe and sound, the sky was still as white as it had been in the morning, and it was a clear sign that perhaps another snow storm was on its way. Takanori entered his quiet and cold home, he knew that his parents usually didn’t get home till late in the evening and he hoped that his school wasn’t going to try to inform then that he didn’t show up that day.
Takanori went straight upstairs to his room; with each step that he took he could feel his heart beating against his throat. He still didn’t know how to feel, maybe resting was the best answer. He lay in bed, looking above him; the ceiling was much like the sky; white and bleak, the color white always reminded Takanori of sorrow and of suffering. It reminded him too much of all the pain he’s gone through. Each time he had tried to take his life away, he always encountered a white wall, a dead end.
Back at the institution, Akira did the same. He lay in bed; he stayed there all morning and all afternoon. He didn’t move an inch when Takanori left. Akira was feeling the same feelings as Takanori, indescribable feelings. He felt guilty for turning his back on Takanori and he felt dumb for not stopping him.
Around 9pm, Akira decided that he couldn’t just leave it like this, he had to do something. He called Aiko down to his room. ‘Aiko?’ he called out. You could hear her small feet scattering in the hallway responding to Akira’s call. ‘Yes?’ she asked as she got to his room. ‘Aiko, do you think you could do a huge favor for me?’ Akira asked meekly. Aiko looked at him curiously. ‘Depends, what is it?’ ‘I-I need to see Takanori’s sign up sheet, you know? The one he gave you when he applied to come help here.’ Akira’s voice was full of determination, he was almost sure Aiko was going to say yes. ‘Why?’ she asked. ‘I just need it, please.’ Akira pleaded. Aiko looked at him with questioning eyes, but instead of asking another question, she walked back to her desk and began searching for Takanori’s sign up sheet. ‘Come here then Aki.’ She called out sweetly. Shocked, Akira fully opened the door to his room and carefully walked to Aiko’s desk. ‘Here.’ She handed him a white paper with a ton of information written on it. ‘Thank you!’ Akira smiled. ‘But why do you need it?’ Aiko asked again. ‘Is there something you’re looking for?’ Akira nodded. ‘I just need to see something; I’ll give it right back Ai.’
Akira walked back to his room and closed the door. ‘Well, that was almost too easy.’ He said, but before he could go any farther, he felt the presence of another person in the room.
‘If you’re planning on doing something reckless Akira.’ Aiko began. ‘You better let me help.’