Keahi journal
So much to go on, and yet so little of any real consquence. In between these pages of my own thoughts are notes, scribbles and sketches of things I know should be evidence, clues, and leads...and so very little of it makes sense to me. I have no idea if what I'm feeling is the reality of the situation, but I feel like everyone is watching me, expecting me to come up with the answer, without realizing my knowledge is so incomplete on the topic. The text Ondolee let me take from his manse will help, but I have no had a chance to study it as thoroughly as I need to and so I have no idea if the system of preserving a body is the same as the one that was used on Crimson Tempest. Having seen these, however, I'm fairly sure that he was, indeed, an experiment. Though to what ends and how exactly the Empress is supposed to fit into all of this I have no idea. If I knew more about him, more about the kind of life he lead, his political leanings, what he wanted out of his life, perhaps I can piece together his motives better. Maybe that will lead us to understanding what is going on.
There's no doubt in my mind that there is some kind of union going on between the Deathknights and the Yozi cult. I get the feeling that somehow the Abyssals are the leaders, but it bothers me that in the hree months we were in Nexus, the hub of at least three decent sized cults, we were not disturbed. Perhaps that was because of Ondolee's former friend, further proving that the abyssals are in charge of this. Which means all my knowledge of demons will be pointless, or very nearly. I know I should be grateful for the quiet time, but it seems like all its done is wind me tighter than before, just waiting for them to pounce again. I know that old man will be looking for me, though for good or ill I don't know. I'm sure by now he's had time to figure out my lie. I know I should be angry that the others did not manage to kill him, but their focus was to find me and for that I can't fault them. Still, where is the cloaked man that took me the first time, and where's the old man? Why are the Dragon Bloods teaming up with the yozis and the undead? FOr better or for worse we rule Creation. We may not have made the paradise that the solars did, but we've held it together damnit and we've done the best we can. I don't just mean the Realm and the Empress, I mean all of us. I mean the warriors of Lookshy, the sailors and Feathered One in the West, the numerous un-united outcastes out there that have been fighting their own battles and making their own way. We're not perfect but we're doing what we can.
But it's getting harder and harder to carry that spirit lately. Not being perfect around beings that ARE is strangely emotionally draining. I know that Haze doesn't see me that way, and though Silver is polite about it, I know he does. THe cowboy has never made is a secret about how he feels about my kind. A part of me wants to send a Message to someone, anyone, just hear the voice of another Dragon Blood. Tahn and I have never developed a friendship, and that's probably something I should fix, but he is not under the same kind of pressure that I feel. Silver's choice in running to me about Haze's dream was a small convidence booster, but my failure to help made me realize that they might be looking at ME to figure all this out! And there's so much I don't understand or only half understand and can't make fit. I need more! And I get the feeling the trail will grow very cold soon.
And then there is what Billy showed me on the last night we were in Ondolee's manse. I can still tear up thinking about what his father--one of the solars--did to him! And yet, I don't think Billy showed it to me to upset me, or even get sympathy. His body is that of a baby's, but he's older than all of us and I think he understands that I am lost. I think he was trying to show me something to help me. The ability to store spirits in a body...it would not take long to figure out how to change the method to store demons, would it? If Billy's father passed on his knowledge, or was even brought back in some way as an Abyssal, could he be the start of all this trouble? Or did someone just get lucky and find his notes. I suppose the only way I'll know that is to read the texts more carefully. I just wish I had some bit of luck, but luck seems to run from me as fast as it can.
And I wish I knew how to tell everyone what else happened to me in the basement, but I can't put it into words. I guess the best way to put is he made me a better Dragon Blood for Lajos' purposes. I feel a little more powerful, a little more worthy, and a little more comfortable in my own skin. But I wish I knew if the others liked the changes or not. The cowboy had me ride with him to the manse, but that could mean a hundred different things, some of them significant, some of them not at all. During the day he is back to the way he used to be, grudgingly accepting of my presence and sometimes even a little playful. But at night he turns a little colder, a little more callous...and a little more selfish in bed. More than anything I want to understand why. Is this some strange effect I have on men? I don't know, and thinking about it only makes me more upset.
I think tomorrow the group will be parting for a bit. Ondolee and I will escort Mahadi and her sister to Ondolee's manse for their own safety, and Tahn, Silver, and Haze will return to Nexus to start trying to track down the Abyssals. If we have time, I'd like to go back to the temple, but, since going back to the temple is all I've wanted to do for some time, I'm starting to think it's a lost cause. Maybe if I could even find the library again....these thoughts won't help. I just wish there was a way to communicate between us. I can send them a Message to let them know that Ondolee and I are on the way, but I don't think that will matter when they'll have no way to tell us where they are.
These are things to worry about later. For now I need to do something with my hands and then try to get more information from Mahadi and her sister.
There's no doubt in my mind that there is some kind of union going on between the Deathknights and the Yozi cult. I get the feeling that somehow the Abyssals are the leaders, but it bothers me that in the hree months we were in Nexus, the hub of at least three decent sized cults, we were not disturbed. Perhaps that was because of Ondolee's former friend, further proving that the abyssals are in charge of this. Which means all my knowledge of demons will be pointless, or very nearly. I know I should be grateful for the quiet time, but it seems like all its done is wind me tighter than before, just waiting for them to pounce again. I know that old man will be looking for me, though for good or ill I don't know. I'm sure by now he's had time to figure out my lie. I know I should be angry that the others did not manage to kill him, but their focus was to find me and for that I can't fault them. Still, where is the cloaked man that took me the first time, and where's the old man? Why are the Dragon Bloods teaming up with the yozis and the undead? FOr better or for worse we rule Creation. We may not have made the paradise that the solars did, but we've held it together damnit and we've done the best we can. I don't just mean the Realm and the Empress, I mean all of us. I mean the warriors of Lookshy, the sailors and Feathered One in the West, the numerous un-united outcastes out there that have been fighting their own battles and making their own way. We're not perfect but we're doing what we can.
But it's getting harder and harder to carry that spirit lately. Not being perfect around beings that ARE is strangely emotionally draining. I know that Haze doesn't see me that way, and though Silver is polite about it, I know he does. THe cowboy has never made is a secret about how he feels about my kind. A part of me wants to send a Message to someone, anyone, just hear the voice of another Dragon Blood. Tahn and I have never developed a friendship, and that's probably something I should fix, but he is not under the same kind of pressure that I feel. Silver's choice in running to me about Haze's dream was a small convidence booster, but my failure to help made me realize that they might be looking at ME to figure all this out! And there's so much I don't understand or only half understand and can't make fit. I need more! And I get the feeling the trail will grow very cold soon.
And then there is what Billy showed me on the last night we were in Ondolee's manse. I can still tear up thinking about what his father--one of the solars--did to him! And yet, I don't think Billy showed it to me to upset me, or even get sympathy. His body is that of a baby's, but he's older than all of us and I think he understands that I am lost. I think he was trying to show me something to help me. The ability to store spirits in a body...it would not take long to figure out how to change the method to store demons, would it? If Billy's father passed on his knowledge, or was even brought back in some way as an Abyssal, could he be the start of all this trouble? Or did someone just get lucky and find his notes. I suppose the only way I'll know that is to read the texts more carefully. I just wish I had some bit of luck, but luck seems to run from me as fast as it can.
And I wish I knew how to tell everyone what else happened to me in the basement, but I can't put it into words. I guess the best way to put is he made me a better Dragon Blood for Lajos' purposes. I feel a little more powerful, a little more worthy, and a little more comfortable in my own skin. But I wish I knew if the others liked the changes or not. The cowboy had me ride with him to the manse, but that could mean a hundred different things, some of them significant, some of them not at all. During the day he is back to the way he used to be, grudgingly accepting of my presence and sometimes even a little playful. But at night he turns a little colder, a little more callous...and a little more selfish in bed. More than anything I want to understand why. Is this some strange effect I have on men? I don't know, and thinking about it only makes me more upset.
I think tomorrow the group will be parting for a bit. Ondolee and I will escort Mahadi and her sister to Ondolee's manse for their own safety, and Tahn, Silver, and Haze will return to Nexus to start trying to track down the Abyssals. If we have time, I'd like to go back to the temple, but, since going back to the temple is all I've wanted to do for some time, I'm starting to think it's a lost cause. Maybe if I could even find the library again....these thoughts won't help. I just wish there was a way to communicate between us. I can send them a Message to let them know that Ondolee and I are on the way, but I don't think that will matter when they'll have no way to tell us where they are.
These are things to worry about later. For now I need to do something with my hands and then try to get more information from Mahadi and her sister.