(no subject)
I find that I use social media as a collective friend. I don't have many in-person friends these days. Okay, I don't have any - and that hurts. And, i feel the need to talk.
I find myself at a crossroads again. As most people know, I have battled debilitating depression in my life - and I feel life sliding back in that direction...and I am battling a number of health issues. (Mot of which I would HOPE could be addressed if I can get myself in some routine). I have been so scatterbrained the last year that I truly don't function anymore (If left home for a day, I create more chaos and start more projects and finish nothing). (its 2:30 and I am wide awake despite sleep aids). THe only way I have climbed out of that depression and managed my adult ADD has been exercise, diet, regularity and scheduling. And, obsessively working towards a career. When motivation dips, I need to be required to show up to the things which keep me moving. I need to be juggling so many things that I cannot take a day or a few hours off. Otherwise, I will watch television all night every night...sleep in 2-3 hour batches and start spiraling downhill.I have to admit that I may not like this about me - but I am not a consistently self-motivated person. I cannot work for myself. I need to report to a person above me. That is me. I refuse to go back to that. But, I am.
I moved with my family to the country. It would never have been my choice to do so. But, I followed due to lack of resources to do otherwise and because it is truly what my husband wants...and we all know its his turn to get something. This is his HOME and dream. Not mine. (I want to be near theatre and free yoga at the nelson, and a gym...I want to walk to a coop for groceries and never drive). In the process, I returned to school for a sustainable career. I need a social life which doesn't demand a day trip for a one hour coffee with someone. And, it is ridiculous that we moved here six months ago and know no one.
It is either embrace this choice of lifestyle change (learn to garden and be in this community) or find a way out - which feels irresponsible financially and otherwise. And, I am finding I cannot embrace this new life while living in my car driving to a high-powered job in the world I want to be more part of. I can't handle both. Esp when I spend 2+ hours a day commuting. I need to take outside classes - and living in the country, nightlife means creeping around a dark house or watching TV - not getting outdoors for an hour, baking, etc.
. Now, I need to "pay my dues" and work nights as a Baby RN no matter where I end up. I dont want to completely pretend I don't. But, I am also realizing I am scattered and completely unable to do my dream job. I have been given every opportunity to succeed - but my head is not there. I keep neediing retraining on basic things when I don't do them each day. When I have a few days off from work, its like I need to start nursing school all over again - I cannot recall basic things. Its like my last job all over again.
I cannot manage both night life or flip-flopping and a life in the country with family. We moved to our home I clearly cannot create a community and home here and work my dream night "across the pond" (it feels that way) - esp when that includes night shifts and 2 hours of driving each day. I cannot do both. It is clear that my son is the only child I will have. and, I also cannot continue to watch his life whiz by as I set up ours (oh...in 2 more years, I can spend time with him...). I am no longer willing to say this.
So, with a great sense of loss, I choose to let go of my dreams as I had definied them. I need new dreams and goals. I cannot meet those things and get my head togehter and have my family. I can make some life here with my family or I can try to leave with no money and no resources to start over...again. I just want to stop running.
But, I also dread a life in the country. I am NOT a homebody. I never wanted to be. I never wanted a home - I wanted a place to hold my things between getting out with friends. I want a career. I want to be moving.
So, how do I manage the need to be building a career (not just a job) AND find a clinic job? What can I do and do well for awhile which has future potential?. Because, I know myself. If I were to attempt an office job or somethig I don't enjoy, then I would be a bad mama too.
I could:
Find a clinic job and work M-F ...blah blah blah. I like my 12 hour work days and days off quite frankly. I really do. That schedule works for me. During that time, I could work towards returning to school (I think everyone would kill me) or an IBCLC. I just don't want to stay in a clinic unless I am working towards a practitioner. And, I cannot move my family to pursue continuing education right now or anytime soon.
Work in a surgery center - which was ..meh... but is mostly a day job which still requires skills. It is physically far more demanding than NICU nursing. I can't tell you how often it is a perk to go to a job without heavy lifting. I can manage injuries, medical treatment, etc and still do my job. i can be on my feet for 12 hours there and be okay. With surgery, I was STANDING for hours. I was lifting a lot of heavy things. It was hard work. AND, it was technical ...which is not my strength. I also need new things - watching the same procedures 800 times...I won't be detail oriented to be where I want to be. It also lacks the supportive teamwork I relish now and is a theatre for big personalities. I am used to that - bt I don't enjoy it. One thing I do love about the nightshift is that I am largely without the docs and I am with a team of nurses. PACU was a dream - but because I worked with the neatest team.
I could look for a community health job. That holds interest 0 but I feel entirely uneducated for such a thing. I HATED social work. I HATED Med Surge for the same reason. I don't love working with adults. They poop big and can really smell. however, there just is no opportunity for peds work here.
Anyway - my goal was to find sleep so I can get thngs done tomorrow, not get on the computer...