Fuck Halloween
As you can all see, it's 4:28 in the morning. Due to daylight savings time put into effect yesterday, it is technically 4:28 although it feels like 5:28. I have to get up in 5 hours. And i'm pissed. I spent all day lazing around, hanging out with maria and idly tidying my room. Didn't start doing work until 3 hours ago. i don't know why i do that to myself every time. I should really stop. today was bad though. i felt sick all day, didn't eat too much, felt ugly. that's one we haven't encountered in awhile. since when do i feel ugly as of late? not too much. today rory told me i was second rate and he said curly hair was ok, but that my hair was beyond curly. he can suck my cunt. my hair is awesome. and let's not forget that insignificant little aspect called character that so many people make up for in hair irons and god forsaken fat burner additives at the campus smoothie bar. idiots. they all try so hard, and become so preoccupied. i don't even know what they're trying to find. a husband? they're just going to learn how to fart and puke and have diarrhea in front of each other anyway. are they trying to find sex? doubtful. no one really likes meaningless sex. they just like it before it becomes apparent that it's meaningless. otherwise they're just fooling themselves. are they looking for companionship? someone to spoon with? i don't think having your ribs stick out and your hair fried makes you a good candidate. but what the fuck do i even sound like right now? totally bitter. and most of those reading this are thinking, that girl is probably fat or ugly and doesn't get any. NOT. TRUE. i say these things because i've been through so many of these situations that i can't be confused about it anymore. only frustrated and bitter at its absurdity. i hope that all of those people who have to put on a hot little tank top and matching pj's to go to the bathroom cause there might be boys in the hall get over it and eat all the pudding and cup of noodles they want. cause it's not really going to make you fat in 24 hours. it's just going to make you happy for 15 minutes. why not? you're not losing anything. most of us aren't even fat anyway. we're just crazy. besides, skinny girls have stank ass smelling pussies. it's a fact. don't ask me why, i don't touch that shit. but this is what i hear, and have come to believe.
i'm tired of school. i don't really want to go home, but i have to expend too much energy on too many things. stuff is really ok though. maybe it always was, and i was just really messed up, but now i see it's ok...and it's killing me inside. nobody knows how much more energy it takes to be happy most of the time. it takes a lot of courage. feeling sorry for yourself is easy. it's for the weak. p.s. to anyone who's reading this, who doesn't already know, take note: I HATE WEAKNESS. self pity, irrationality, making excuses for fucking up because you have "problems". i have fucking problems, and they're bad and hard and persisting but i take responsibility for the fact that i am making the choice to let them interfere with my life. getting around the system just allows you to prove to yourself that having lots of problems and being unhappy is a useful tool to get by on little to no effort. being unhappy is a good thing? zoloft and prozac seem to think so. i'm done with that bs. i'll take my hits and when it gets bad enough, i'll wise up and do better, BECAUSE I CAN. we all can. we just have to work hard, because life's not supposed to be easy, ever. my dad said that you can't make your own luck, you just have to be ready when you meet some. some people just aren't lucky. but they're not just going to curl up into a ball and die. they're going to do their shit, and get it done, excruciatingly slowly, and against their will, every day for the rest of their lives. the trick is to keep your head up at mediocrity, cause if it falls, and you hit bottom, you're just going to have to work really hard to get back up to that level again. you're just going to have to work at it like you have to work at everything else you hate. you're just lucky if you don't take lots of pills and throw yourself onto a subway platform from between 2 cars on a moving train, or get hooked on H and end up on www.facialabuse.com where they flush your face down a toilet and laugh at you while you cry. have you ever been skull fucked? there's nothing romantic about it. most, no, all of the people reading this are lucky. if you gotten to this point in the text you are the following:
a) alive
b) literate
c) accessing a computer
d) have electricity
e) are not being shot at by crips or US army reserves with a tattoo of the confederate flag on their nutsacks
it is now 4:56 in the morning. i have gas. i hope that makes everyone a little uncomfortable. if that person is you, congratulations, you're still down in the masses, where girls don't fart or shit, and guys never hold hands or pluck their unibrows. fuck every last one of you. i'm going to sleep.
i'm tired of school. i don't really want to go home, but i have to expend too much energy on too many things. stuff is really ok though. maybe it always was, and i was just really messed up, but now i see it's ok...and it's killing me inside. nobody knows how much more energy it takes to be happy most of the time. it takes a lot of courage. feeling sorry for yourself is easy. it's for the weak. p.s. to anyone who's reading this, who doesn't already know, take note: I HATE WEAKNESS. self pity, irrationality, making excuses for fucking up because you have "problems". i have fucking problems, and they're bad and hard and persisting but i take responsibility for the fact that i am making the choice to let them interfere with my life. getting around the system just allows you to prove to yourself that having lots of problems and being unhappy is a useful tool to get by on little to no effort. being unhappy is a good thing? zoloft and prozac seem to think so. i'm done with that bs. i'll take my hits and when it gets bad enough, i'll wise up and do better, BECAUSE I CAN. we all can. we just have to work hard, because life's not supposed to be easy, ever. my dad said that you can't make your own luck, you just have to be ready when you meet some. some people just aren't lucky. but they're not just going to curl up into a ball and die. they're going to do their shit, and get it done, excruciatingly slowly, and against their will, every day for the rest of their lives. the trick is to keep your head up at mediocrity, cause if it falls, and you hit bottom, you're just going to have to work really hard to get back up to that level again. you're just going to have to work at it like you have to work at everything else you hate. you're just lucky if you don't take lots of pills and throw yourself onto a subway platform from between 2 cars on a moving train, or get hooked on H and end up on www.facialabuse.com where they flush your face down a toilet and laugh at you while you cry. have you ever been skull fucked? there's nothing romantic about it. most, no, all of the people reading this are lucky. if you gotten to this point in the text you are the following:
a) alive
b) literate
c) accessing a computer
d) have electricity
e) are not being shot at by crips or US army reserves with a tattoo of the confederate flag on their nutsacks
it is now 4:56 in the morning. i have gas. i hope that makes everyone a little uncomfortable. if that person is you, congratulations, you're still down in the masses, where girls don't fart or shit, and guys never hold hands or pluck their unibrows. fuck every last one of you. i'm going to sleep.