hello, stranger.
i ask myself, yet another time, what a night out with a stranger would end up like. this time, i made sure it was never going to turn out the way it did.
and lo, it didn't.
i have to account this from beginning till end. because it's my journal and i'm reading it most of the time, and i want this memory right here. i want it to stick, i want it to stay. and now my heart's beating so fucking fast i might hyperventilate. fuck, deep breaths never did help anybody.
so there i was, on saturday night, on the gay web, checking my mail, and as usual it's filled with messages from crappy guys dropping an inane hello, or wanna have fun, or whatever. then i see this message that sounded really quite weird. it went something like hey how are you, thank god it's friday, what are your plans this weekend babe? and his name's sheridan and he left his funny email that had wushu boy in it. so outta interest (ahem, yes, angmoh fetish) i checked out his profile and voila! blonde, tall, fit, from 'sarf' london! thereafter we messaged each other online and he left his number, and i left mine. and as i was about to stand up and go to the loo he calls me.
AHH! i thought, my goodness my sister's sitting beside me and my mom and dad's in the house and how am i supposed to talk to him!? still i picked the phone up and yes, that unmistakable british accent filled my ear. and i matched up, no less, and totally enjoyed conversing with him. how would you describe yourself, he asked, and i said, well, i have a fake british accent for starters...
oh sheridan.
we planned to meet up in vivocity at 6pm on sunday to have dinner and club, and goodness when i put down the phone i was almost shaking you know? that kinda anticipation that rushes through your veins, threatening to bowl you over? i don't know if it was excitement, worry, fear, lust, whatever, i just knew i couldn't much concentrate on what i was reading, i couldn't talk properly, i had trouble falling asleep, and everytime he comes to mind i kinda panic a little.
something like first dates, maybe?
so on Sunday at church i was quite distracted, really. i thought of the evening with this londoner and those crippling endorphines quickly take me over. i felt feverish, i felt my throat was always dry, i felt like i had a stomachache all the time. only slightly better than the sensation i get seconds before my monologue exam.
at vivo he arrived later than he said he would, and i wandered around a little. when he appeared i was amongst the crowd, wearing officewear because i thought i had interpretation duty, and he missed me. he was fucking obvious, blonde stylish hair, black v-neck top and shorts, converses, and really really tall. i, on the other hand, looked probably completely different from the web -- not in my sunnies, not in my shorts and red belt, na-ah.
for that moment my heart sank. maybe i wasn't what he expected.
then he turned around, and i walked towards him, and he smiled and stuck his hand out. and whee we walked on and on together, yakking away. like i said, he's tall, and he's got a trained body. i wouldn't call him handsome or uber hot, but he's... very attractive. well, he's racist, too. on the train he messaged me saying he's having weird fantasies involving mass orgies with the seventeen indian workers he saw on the NEL, and ahh, he said, i hate curry semen! aha!
sorry, but that's really sick. and funny when he says it :P
we ended up in fig&olive, and we ate. he said, though, it was a mistake for me to suggest dinner on the first date, because you don't wanna display your might-be-disgusting eating habits and completely destroy the romance factor. but well, i think eating's such a lovely affair, talking over food and munching away. oh well, he never really believed in his idea of that being a mistake, anyway. throughout the meal he just kept staring and staring. at the way i cut my fish, the way i eat, the way i drink, god honestly i was so fucking nervous. i was like, sheesh am i doing this right? is there something stuck in my teeth? should i cut this carrot slice smaller so it would fit comfortably in my mouth? (i usually don't care if it sticks out or not.) best of all he took out his camera and started taking photos. AHH (yes, again) i can't possibly take a photo now! i'm tired, i'm eating, and oh i can't even bring myself to act cute or do my poster smile for the camera!
well as far as he's concerned, he didn't care. he just snapped away. and come to think of it, now i'm glad we took pictures. it was wonderful, the conversation, besides lots of compliments we talked about his life in london, why we came to singapore and some about my army life. he's a hairstylist, quite successful in london, here to take lessons. he's been here before, and here he is again, and thank goodness he is.
we, or at least i, was so full i had to take a walk. so we got to vivo's roof and walked around. oh, it was a nice night, cloudly, not too humid. soon we found a "seat" which was really one of those white squiggly structures vivo has, and we sat facing sentosa. it was a little squeezy, and basically we were squashed together, butt to butt, shoulder to shoulder. and as we talked about his family and how we was out to everyone since 17, his hand crept towards mine and held it. i wouldn't say that was when i fell hard for him, maybe i already did at the restaurant, but that was when i felt close to him.
he was being really honest about lots of things, telling about his best friend lynn, a hongkonger living in london who's naturally sexy, his plans for his future, his ex-boyfriend who was a singaporean living in london, how he came to realise he was gay, and that just made me so comfortable. and i told him about chris, and he totally dissed the whole "virtual relationship" thing, and though i couldn't quite come to terms with the fact that this 'relationship' i thought i had with chris was really a sham, i didn't feel angry that he said what he did. in fact i was smiling to myself when he said i deserved so much better than virtual boyfriends.
we continued holding hands, talking, stared at by people, but for that night i couldn't care less. yes, it's not london, but i guess his openness rubbed off me. i just felt fucking blessed. soon the heat was unbearable and we went inside again, and while passing by Ben&Jerry's he confessed his love. for their ice-cream. and well i LOVE b&j's, duh, and we went in. god, he ate so much. a double scoop brownie after our dinner. i got myself a double scoop cone, and well i realised it amounted to about the same as his anyways, oops.
and so we ate and talked and ate and talked, and soon enough he made our way to the club. after we went back to his place, and on the next day we came outta the house late, had some beancurd for breakfast at N&B's, he had his virgin trip to Fairprice Extra while i took an MC, we went for dinner at the hongkong cafe, played at the arcade, and caught [Rec], the spanish zombie movie, went back to his place again that night, and spent the next morning together before saying goodbye.
and here i am. feeling elated, hollow, and all mixed up again.
i'm in love, i think. almost? i'm scared to say i'm in love because this cannot be love, can it? or maybe it really is love, and i'm just too scared to come to terms with it. maybe because i'd scare him off? or maybe because i know i can't give more of my heart than i already have simply because he's going back to london on the first of december.
yes, he told me he was going back then. on the roof. and my heart sank. it's always like that, huh? first a virtual boyfriend in america, never to be seen in flesh and blood, and here a blond lover in singapore, touchable, kissable, extremely huggable, and yet only temporal. am i to go all the way out, love like i never did before, only to cause me the heartbreak, or should i keep some of myself jaded, that the fall might not be so hard? i'm wont to think i'll do the former.
he said, you're proving to be a real heartbreaker, marcus.
he said, where've you been hiding all this time?
and i can only feel the pang of irony resounding in my head.
i'm not going to say what happened in the club, or what after, because it's simply stuck in my head, and maybe too much for a post like this. at one point i had to whisper to his ear and tell him that he's all my fantasies come true. and it's true.
x
i smile to myself on the bus. or maybe even laugh. and duh, people look. but all i can care about is the taste your kiss left behind. i love how you tried holding my hand on the roof, how you couldn't stop staring as i ate, how you pulled me to a couch in the club and drowned me with a kiss, how you didn't mind me hopping into your cab, how you ate my fishcakes when i couldn't finish the supper, how every ride on the lift with you never excluded a passionate kiss, how you're just the right height for my lazy head to rest while we walked down the road, how you surprised me in the shower, how you'd always rinse me clean and wipe me dry, how you threw my clothes in the wash for me which i thought was fucking sweet,
how we embraced at your window, wide open, naked, how you don't mind me lying on you, how you drooled on me while you slept on my chest with my arms around you, how gentle you were when i told you i trusted you, how generous you are, how you paid for everything when i ran out of cash, how you smile at me which drives me fucking crazy, how we held our hands so tight in the cinema and screamed, how we went down in slippers to get bottled water, just like any couple would, how i wake up each morning and see you right beside me, feel you beside me, holding me tight. and, no less, the nightly fantasies-come-true.
grabbing me in the lift, stealing kisses on the escalator, holding hands and walking on the street, sex in the shower, kisses at dawn, making love in a thunderstorm, sleeping in your embrace, and so much more. you had them ticked off my checklist one by one.
just when i thought i'd never find someone true.
how am i to go to sleep tonight? or wake up tomorrow? i just hope my memories prove enough to keep me moving on, because my heart isn't here with me anymore. it's with you. what'll i do?
xoxo