I want to go back to knowing nothing
I had a great valentines day with Amber. It made me think, she still hasn't figured out what she's doing after school is out, and I told her a little about me staying here and being a paramedic. I keep getting stuck between is it fair to ask her to stay and I want her to stay with me. I think I want to ask her to stay, Amber knows what Sunnydale is like, she can tell me to go to hell she's going somewhere safer but I want to know.
It's presidents day, no school today, so I'm wandering around trying out all these internal conversations with myself. First I want to ask Amber to stay, and um stay with me. Which is scary to me, I have issues but I think it's time to get over them. Then I should probably ask Nick if this is ok if she says yes. You know since he's the other one in the house and all that. Plus it's just one of those days where if I stay in the house another minute I may just go insane. I have all these medical terms and definitions and diagrams stuffed in my head and I need to clear it.
I don't know why I start walking up to the house. I mean it's just an empty house with the door open a little. I live in Sunnydale I should know better than to do this but my feet keep walking until I'm inside and the cool damp darkness of the house surrounds me. The door clicks shut behind me and I think briefly I should be worried about the fact I'm closed in. The house is so quiet I can hear my pulse thudding in my ears. I like the quiet I always have. When things got noisy is when things got dangerous.
Just like that I hear footsteps, crisp footsteps coming down the stairs on the soles of expensive black shoes that are impeccably shined and before I even think about it I'm running down a hallway to hide from them. Hide, be quiet, be still. Don't make a sound or the monster will know you're there.
The closet is the same one I hid in when I could hear Larry looking for me. The same stack of toys and clothes I would try to mold myself behind and I bury my face there wishing under my breath that this time he wouldn't look here, he would get distracted fight with Mona just not look.
The door is flung open and the light stabs at my eyes, I don't cry, I know better than to cry, it makes him more angry to see tears, that his strange girly son who fucks around with art is crying might put me in the hospital again. His hand is crushing my wrist and he's shaking me. I dont' know why he's mad, I never know I just try to stay small and shrink into myself to not be noticed.
Then I see Nick and Amber and Tres, they're watching Larry and me with wide unbelieving eyes and I think for a minute it's all ok, I'm safe now. Until they turn away in disgust from me, my own parents hate me, why did I think they would be there for me? It kills me to see the looks on their faces and the tears start. I know I shouldn't but I can't stop them from spilling down my face.
Larry wraps his hands around my neck and slams me against a wall, "STOP CRYING! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CRY!" Didn't he die? Haven't I already done this once? The sensation of my head hitting the wall and the spots from the lack of air are so familiar. That strange blonde lady killed him, I wished him dead and she did it for me. The black has almost taken over my vision when I manage to pry his fingers off my throat and fall to the floor. All I can do is lay there gasping for air.
The house is quiet and dead again, the dust on the floor has only been disturbed by me and I scramble to my feet running for the door before Mona and Larry come back, hitting the door and emerging into the air outside is like a band has been taken off my heart.
I pause with my hand on the doorknob, what the fuck am I doing? Going into the empty house? I might as well tattoo eat me on my forehead and get it over with. Nick and Tres would so laugh at me for doing this after all the lectures I give Nick about being careful. And Amber would be causticly sarcastic and I'd deserve it.
I'd better go be thoughtful speech practising boy at home.
It's presidents day, no school today, so I'm wandering around trying out all these internal conversations with myself. First I want to ask Amber to stay, and um stay with me. Which is scary to me, I have issues but I think it's time to get over them. Then I should probably ask Nick if this is ok if she says yes. You know since he's the other one in the house and all that. Plus it's just one of those days where if I stay in the house another minute I may just go insane. I have all these medical terms and definitions and diagrams stuffed in my head and I need to clear it.
I don't know why I start walking up to the house. I mean it's just an empty house with the door open a little. I live in Sunnydale I should know better than to do this but my feet keep walking until I'm inside and the cool damp darkness of the house surrounds me. The door clicks shut behind me and I think briefly I should be worried about the fact I'm closed in. The house is so quiet I can hear my pulse thudding in my ears. I like the quiet I always have. When things got noisy is when things got dangerous.
Just like that I hear footsteps, crisp footsteps coming down the stairs on the soles of expensive black shoes that are impeccably shined and before I even think about it I'm running down a hallway to hide from them. Hide, be quiet, be still. Don't make a sound or the monster will know you're there.
The closet is the same one I hid in when I could hear Larry looking for me. The same stack of toys and clothes I would try to mold myself behind and I bury my face there wishing under my breath that this time he wouldn't look here, he would get distracted fight with Mona just not look.
The door is flung open and the light stabs at my eyes, I don't cry, I know better than to cry, it makes him more angry to see tears, that his strange girly son who fucks around with art is crying might put me in the hospital again. His hand is crushing my wrist and he's shaking me. I dont' know why he's mad, I never know I just try to stay small and shrink into myself to not be noticed.
Then I see Nick and Amber and Tres, they're watching Larry and me with wide unbelieving eyes and I think for a minute it's all ok, I'm safe now. Until they turn away in disgust from me, my own parents hate me, why did I think they would be there for me? It kills me to see the looks on their faces and the tears start. I know I shouldn't but I can't stop them from spilling down my face.
Larry wraps his hands around my neck and slams me against a wall, "STOP CRYING! I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CRY!" Didn't he die? Haven't I already done this once? The sensation of my head hitting the wall and the spots from the lack of air are so familiar. That strange blonde lady killed him, I wished him dead and she did it for me. The black has almost taken over my vision when I manage to pry his fingers off my throat and fall to the floor. All I can do is lay there gasping for air.
The house is quiet and dead again, the dust on the floor has only been disturbed by me and I scramble to my feet running for the door before Mona and Larry come back, hitting the door and emerging into the air outside is like a band has been taken off my heart.
I pause with my hand on the doorknob, what the fuck am I doing? Going into the empty house? I might as well tattoo eat me on my forehead and get it over with. Nick and Tres would so laugh at me for doing this after all the lectures I give Nick about being careful. And Amber would be causticly sarcastic and I'd deserve it.
I'd better go be thoughtful speech practising boy at home.