everything I’ve ever done has led me up to now
The night before we left Toronto I had a hard time sleeping. Not restless or worried, just wanting to soak up as much time as I could I think. I laid awake an awful lot, just watching him, touching him, being with him, and loving that I could. And then morning came and we both seemed to have that draggy, not wanting to get out of bed feeling. Though plane tickets and responsibilities called and we were on our way back home. I like that I say home and think of home with him now.
Everything feels so right here. The biggest part of that is being with him. The difference he’s made in my life is almost staggering. It fills me with this all encompassing feeling of… even more than love, it’s bigger than that. I feel like a different and much better person knowing him like I do. Thinking about the me I was before him, it is almost like a different person. The way I interacted with people and the way dealt with things was all even different than it has become now.
Somehow knowing him, and becoming what we have become already, and the possibilities of what we still have to become, or not become, it just feels like it opened a whole new world to me. And it did, but I know that it was me too.
Sometimes I think I cut myself off so much to not get hurt, and to protect myself that now that I let myself feel something it’s like I feel everything. Like my whole life’s worth of feelings all the same time. It is almost overwhelming sometimes. I can stand in front of my easel and just stare at it and all the feelings I feel seem to fill me and it is not hard to get them out, but it is different for me, the emotions and feelings are different and sometimes I have to think more.
I think that is a very good thing. The feeling is a little overwhelming sometimes but more than that it is amazing, and I would not trade a second of this adventure at all. Not for anything in the world. Having him, this new family, all of these new feelings and thoughts and wants, it is good for me, and I am amazed a little more every single day about how little things really do make such big differences. I never want to be afraid to feel again. Not for any reason at all.
Everything feels so right here. The biggest part of that is being with him. The difference he’s made in my life is almost staggering. It fills me with this all encompassing feeling of… even more than love, it’s bigger than that. I feel like a different and much better person knowing him like I do. Thinking about the me I was before him, it is almost like a different person. The way I interacted with people and the way dealt with things was all even different than it has become now.
Somehow knowing him, and becoming what we have become already, and the possibilities of what we still have to become, or not become, it just feels like it opened a whole new world to me. And it did, but I know that it was me too.
Sometimes I think I cut myself off so much to not get hurt, and to protect myself that now that I let myself feel something it’s like I feel everything. Like my whole life’s worth of feelings all the same time. It is almost overwhelming sometimes. I can stand in front of my easel and just stare at it and all the feelings I feel seem to fill me and it is not hard to get them out, but it is different for me, the emotions and feelings are different and sometimes I have to think more.
I think that is a very good thing. The feeling is a little overwhelming sometimes but more than that it is amazing, and I would not trade a second of this adventure at all. Not for anything in the world. Having him, this new family, all of these new feelings and thoughts and wants, it is good for me, and I am amazed a little more every single day about how little things really do make such big differences. I never want to be afraid to feel again. Not for any reason at all.