(no subject)
Today I got up at 10:30, went to church, met Leah for lunch, went to the Cardinals game with Mike, dropped off a present to Ogre's, then came home for a barbeque with the family.
I did not wake up in a pleasant mood today. I have no reason for it, but I just did not feel like being nice. I could blame it on my relationship struggles, I could blame it on my school needs, or I could just take responsibility for the fact that not all days are going to be golden.
I could not focus in church. I was too preoccupied with other things, the details of which escape me right now, but needless to say I was stressed. Life has a sneaky way of overwhelming you even in the most innocuous situations. After church I talked to Ogre on the phone, but I quickly excused myself from the conversation as I was passing Leah's work so I could at least try to pass the frustration that was still building, completely un-allayed by the message in church.
Leah met me downstairs and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. Not my favorite place, and I think it is ridiculous that a bowl of guacamole is 10 dollars, but it was one of the few options that we had.
My salad was decent, a bit over-dressinged, and the waitress temporarily amused me with her over the top obsequiousness, but I still left feeling unfulfilled- the day still had too much left, and I am leaving out trite details where if I were to write out the whole thing it would make sense, but laziness does not permit such things.
Fine, I'll add a little more detail:
Church has some attractive girls in it, but none hold my interest not just because I want to be with Leah, but because I still associate them with "Jesus-freaks". I am not completely comfortable in accepting my faith, not quite yet. Today's mass settled into me like mortar into cornerstone. The mass reeked of not simony, and I do not know the word, but it was pre-occupied with money is what it was. The church sometimes feels like a money mill, a pit of dashed hopes, expectant dreams, and rare coincidence that shines ever too briefly and rarely in our lives. I felt that way in church today, and I felt guilty, almost.
I feel as if that church is moving away from the message, as if it does not always speak to me and what I should hear, but tries to say what I want to hear. There are so many people and I feel lost among the crowd. I do not feel like I have a voice. The other church, I felt important and as if I had a voice. There was no choice involved, I was forced to be active. I think that exacerbated my feelings of backsliding.
Lunch, the waitress affected too much of a demure, shy, faulted tone. It sickened me, but the nostalgia of it was also a sweet boon, however sickly, of my own past serving experience. The conversation at lunch was short for the most part, until the end of the meal when I forced myself to overcome a little bit of my mood and tell Leah about the problems between Heather and her boyfriend. Heather's boyfriend was blatantly hitting on my girlfriend at my brother's wedding last year where I was the best man. No surprise that Heather and her boyfriend are having problems because he is talking to other girls and treating her like garbage (while drinking heavily). Oh, they are getting married Wednesday.
After lunch I headed home and Mike and I went to the Cardinal's game. We scored great free parking because we got there in the fourth or fifth inning and the attendants were long gone.
The score was 3-0 Rays when we got there, but a home run by the Cardinal's quickly closed the lead to 2. Our seats were way up in the upper deck behind home plate so we had a long walk and a great view of all 46,342 people at the game milling about. We walked past these two girls a few times, their tits hanging out of their low-cut shirts (obviously fake). It was lustful, and we were slightly enamored (Mike being fed up with Ellen and leaving her at home and instead taking me, and myself for whatever inexplicable reason), but it was cathartic. Mike and I got to talk. We talked about Ellen, Leah, baseball, those girls, business, and whatever else we wanted. It was nice.
We walked around the stadium, checking out all of the relatively new amenities that Mike had not seen yet, while also checking out the girls. After a full lap we got back to our seats in time to see the game had not changed in any meaningful way (4-2), until we settled in for a half of an inning and watched as the Cardinal's came up to bat and quickly tied it up. Then, in the bottom of the ninth we watched as they won for the second straight day on a walk-off RBI.
After dropping off the present at Ogre's on the way home and picking up Ellen and the dogs, we made our way to the house. Ellen refused to talk to Mike the entire car ride. At dinner, she told him she hated him, a statement that quite literally surprised me with its venom, as Ellen put her filet on Mike's plate, to which he promptly removed and told her that she should put it back if she did not want it. Ellen stomped the five feet from the deck to the dining room table and put the steak back onto the serving tray.
Leah came to the barbeque a little late as she was just getting off of work, but was greeted well. She ate and we all hung out for a little while before everyone finally left.
White, cotton white and soft
plastic skin, lightly burned like
frozen meat, a red brown that
has yet to sink in. White fingers,
mousy roots and summer blond,
summer has arrived with Bud Light
in one hand, a cigarette in another.
Shannon's is right across the street
more on display, a display parade
of fools and demagogues in humid
summer's swelter drinking deep
of themselves. Fake tits, average face,
and smiling white teeth, it must be summer.
Gelled hair, buckets of beer, tight shirts-
it must be summer cause the pussy is
in heat and the assholes have come out.
I did not wake up in a pleasant mood today. I have no reason for it, but I just did not feel like being nice. I could blame it on my relationship struggles, I could blame it on my school needs, or I could just take responsibility for the fact that not all days are going to be golden.
I could not focus in church. I was too preoccupied with other things, the details of which escape me right now, but needless to say I was stressed. Life has a sneaky way of overwhelming you even in the most innocuous situations. After church I talked to Ogre on the phone, but I quickly excused myself from the conversation as I was passing Leah's work so I could at least try to pass the frustration that was still building, completely un-allayed by the message in church.
Leah met me downstairs and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. Not my favorite place, and I think it is ridiculous that a bowl of guacamole is 10 dollars, but it was one of the few options that we had.
My salad was decent, a bit over-dressinged, and the waitress temporarily amused me with her over the top obsequiousness, but I still left feeling unfulfilled- the day still had too much left, and I am leaving out trite details where if I were to write out the whole thing it would make sense, but laziness does not permit such things.
Fine, I'll add a little more detail:
Church has some attractive girls in it, but none hold my interest not just because I want to be with Leah, but because I still associate them with "Jesus-freaks". I am not completely comfortable in accepting my faith, not quite yet. Today's mass settled into me like mortar into cornerstone. The mass reeked of not simony, and I do not know the word, but it was pre-occupied with money is what it was. The church sometimes feels like a money mill, a pit of dashed hopes, expectant dreams, and rare coincidence that shines ever too briefly and rarely in our lives. I felt that way in church today, and I felt guilty, almost.
I feel as if that church is moving away from the message, as if it does not always speak to me and what I should hear, but tries to say what I want to hear. There are so many people and I feel lost among the crowd. I do not feel like I have a voice. The other church, I felt important and as if I had a voice. There was no choice involved, I was forced to be active. I think that exacerbated my feelings of backsliding.
Lunch, the waitress affected too much of a demure, shy, faulted tone. It sickened me, but the nostalgia of it was also a sweet boon, however sickly, of my own past serving experience. The conversation at lunch was short for the most part, until the end of the meal when I forced myself to overcome a little bit of my mood and tell Leah about the problems between Heather and her boyfriend. Heather's boyfriend was blatantly hitting on my girlfriend at my brother's wedding last year where I was the best man. No surprise that Heather and her boyfriend are having problems because he is talking to other girls and treating her like garbage (while drinking heavily). Oh, they are getting married Wednesday.
After lunch I headed home and Mike and I went to the Cardinal's game. We scored great free parking because we got there in the fourth or fifth inning and the attendants were long gone.
The score was 3-0 Rays when we got there, but a home run by the Cardinal's quickly closed the lead to 2. Our seats were way up in the upper deck behind home plate so we had a long walk and a great view of all 46,342 people at the game milling about. We walked past these two girls a few times, their tits hanging out of their low-cut shirts (obviously fake). It was lustful, and we were slightly enamored (Mike being fed up with Ellen and leaving her at home and instead taking me, and myself for whatever inexplicable reason), but it was cathartic. Mike and I got to talk. We talked about Ellen, Leah, baseball, those girls, business, and whatever else we wanted. It was nice.
We walked around the stadium, checking out all of the relatively new amenities that Mike had not seen yet, while also checking out the girls. After a full lap we got back to our seats in time to see the game had not changed in any meaningful way (4-2), until we settled in for a half of an inning and watched as the Cardinal's came up to bat and quickly tied it up. Then, in the bottom of the ninth we watched as they won for the second straight day on a walk-off RBI.
After dropping off the present at Ogre's on the way home and picking up Ellen and the dogs, we made our way to the house. Ellen refused to talk to Mike the entire car ride. At dinner, she told him she hated him, a statement that quite literally surprised me with its venom, as Ellen put her filet on Mike's plate, to which he promptly removed and told her that she should put it back if she did not want it. Ellen stomped the five feet from the deck to the dining room table and put the steak back onto the serving tray.
Leah came to the barbeque a little late as she was just getting off of work, but was greeted well. She ate and we all hung out for a little while before everyone finally left.
White, cotton white and soft
plastic skin, lightly burned like
frozen meat, a red brown that
has yet to sink in. White fingers,
mousy roots and summer blond,
summer has arrived with Bud Light
in one hand, a cigarette in another.
Shannon's is right across the street
more on display, a display parade
of fools and demagogues in humid
summer's swelter drinking deep
of themselves. Fake tits, average face,
and smiling white teeth, it must be summer.
Gelled hair, buckets of beer, tight shirts-
it must be summer cause the pussy is
in heat and the assholes have come out.