In Remembrance
Hi Mom,
There was an episode on TV recently that hit me hard because it reminded me of you. In it, at the end, the main character goes into the bedroom to wake up her mother. She screams for her husband, who rushes in, checks the mother, then carries a hysterical main character out of the room, the door slamming close ending that episode. In the next episode, it's stated that the mother died and that is where my brain took over, thinking of this day seven years ago.
I know you died how you wanted - at home, in your own bed, going to sleep and not waking up. It was peaceful and comfortable, as far as you could get from the hospital with their uncomfortable beds and people always poking and prodding at you. I know it was never said, but I'm sure you're glad that it was Dad who found you instead of Chris or I. I don't know how Chris would react, but I'm sure I would have been like that main character.
Another show I've been watching had one of the main characters' grandmother, who was in a nursing home, pass away. That reminded me of Grandma Auger passing away last year, while I was in TN and rushing back to be there for Dad and the service. She's back with Grandpa and I'm sure the two of them are once again enjoying themselves.
Someone gave me a quote about death simply being the next adventure and I hope it's a great one for you. I still picture you sitting up there, sitting with your parents, enjoying the company of the dogs from over the years and watching over all of us down here with a smile of fondness on your face (and the occasional exasperation at whatever antics Dad is up to).
A lot has changed in seven years. MN is no longer home to me, though it will always be the place where I grew up. As I tell people, yes I'm from MN and yes, I still have family there that I will go back and visit, but I have no desire to live there. I do have nieces and cousins who I want to know and spoil as they grow up, but life has moved on and I've moved with it.
Your sisters & brothers & all their kids have grown and scattered, developing their own lives. I'll always think of them as the aunts, uncles & cousins that I grew up with, remember those times with a smile of a good memory. They're still family to me, family by blood, but family that I barely know now. I keep in touch with a few cousins and that's about it. Life has moved on.
I've met lots of people in that time, but only few who I now think of as friends, and even fewer that I consider as part of my personal family, the family I've created. There's D, the sister to the other that neither of us ever had. Somehow, despite whatever hell is thrown at us, we keep each other going. There's B, who came along at the right moment to draw me out, to help shape who I now am. There's R & D, the newest additions from my time in TN, who accept the inside of me just as much as the outside.
And S, the one who has all of me. He's seen the smiles and the tears, the sheer frustrations and the sighs of relief and everything in between. Together, they are the family I've made for myself, the people who keep me going in spite of the struggles and darkness that's always hanging around waiting to swallow me.
I know you want me to be happy, Mom - both you and Dad have said that and I believe it, but getting there - being happy - isn't something I see possible. I can think of other words instead - okay, well, good, fine - but not happy. Nothing against it or against other people being happy, but I just don't see it for me. I can't picture me as a happy person and I'm okay with that. I know you'll still be looking down on me and watching, waiting for it to happen and that's okay, too.
I still miss you and I know a part of me always will. I think of your granddaughters, my nieces, who will never have the chance to see you and share in your life. I think of your niece and nephew, the 'unofficial grand kids' that you adored as well, who barely remember you. Pictures and stories will be all they have to know you by. Even combined, they will ever replace the wonderful person you were to so many.
Fresh lilacs, one of your favorites, will be hard to find, especially since I'm nowhere near MN as I write this. Roses, however, are everywhere, and I will buy one for you, and remember how much you loved them. Yes, there will be tears today, as thoughts of you will cross my mind, but there will also be smiles as I remember the many times you smiled.
Missing you will never go away. You'll always be in my thoughts.
Love you, Mom!
(I'll edit this later to include links to last year's letter.)