I'm trying
I'm trying . . . that's all I can really say and really think about. There's a saying that's something like 'do or do not, there is nothing in between' that keeps coming to mind. (For some reason, my mind seems to think it's a saying from Star Wars - from Yoda - but I could very easily be wrong on that.)
I've never really been a positive person. I can slap a smile on my face and laugh like everyone else, but it's only on the surface. Inside, my mind is playing a never-ending game of 'what if?' and looking at every possibility, no matter its likelihood or probability. I've grown used to having to choose my words carefully, to really think before I say anything - I've caught myself more than once realizing later that I managed to have an entire conversation of absolute nothing.
I know that I've had many experiences, especially in recent years, that have made me cautious in the worst possible way - not just the caution that's now repeated every so often about giving out personal information or watching what you say online, but way beyond that. Frankly, it takes a lot of time and patience for me to trust someone with any information I give them about myself.
I'm struggling and I know it. I feel it. And I don't want my personal negativity to spread to other people, especially those that care about me. For some, I know my problems are insignificant compared to theirs, but for everyone, it's more that I don't want them in my misery, I don't want them to lose their 'happy side' because of me.
So, I'm trying. That's all I can say.
I've never really been a positive person. I can slap a smile on my face and laugh like everyone else, but it's only on the surface. Inside, my mind is playing a never-ending game of 'what if?' and looking at every possibility, no matter its likelihood or probability. I've grown used to having to choose my words carefully, to really think before I say anything - I've caught myself more than once realizing later that I managed to have an entire conversation of absolute nothing.
I know that I've had many experiences, especially in recent years, that have made me cautious in the worst possible way - not just the caution that's now repeated every so often about giving out personal information or watching what you say online, but way beyond that. Frankly, it takes a lot of time and patience for me to trust someone with any information I give them about myself.
I'm struggling and I know it. I feel it. And I don't want my personal negativity to spread to other people, especially those that care about me. For some, I know my problems are insignificant compared to theirs, but for everyone, it's more that I don't want them in my misery, I don't want them to lose their 'happy side' because of me.
So, I'm trying. That's all I can say.