Something To Hold On To: A Brooke and Lucas fanfiction
This is a Brooke and Lucas (One Tree Hill) fanfiction that I have been writing for quite some time, since before I got Livejournal. I had never gotten around to posting it here, so I have finally decided to now. It is a work in progress, so is not yet complete. I have written a prologue and six chapters so far. Here is the prologue and first three chapters. The post was getting pretty long so I decided to break it into two, and so i will post chapters four-six sometime over the next few days.
Title: Something To Hold On To
Show: One Tree Hill
Pairing: Brooke/Lucas
Summary: Brooke and Lucas have drifted apart and are growing tired of clinging on to what remains of their relationship. Can they find their way back to the love they once knew? Set a year and a half after season three, ignore season four.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill.
Prologue - 'Barely Touching In Our Cold Bed'
Lucas turned over in bed as he awoke. The room was dark, the pale blue walls turned black by the absence of light. His eyes opened to face her back, covered by a blue singlet, the top half hidden by her long, rich brown hair, slightly messily curling at the ends. She sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him, with the bedside light on sending beams of light cascading down on her body, illuminating her in a shadow of light. After a moment he sat up and looked over her shoulder, seeing she was holding something.
“What’s that?” Lucas took a photo from Brooke’s little girl-like hands.
“Nothing,” Brooke said, stating the exact opposite of what the photo was. It was everything. It was the proof of their love that had once been so intense. The love that had taught them everything, the unexpected love that had given them the strongest feelings of everything. Yet it was that same love that had been forgotten, like a child’s toy left behind in time.
It was a photo of them sitting on the beach, on a winters night in their senior year of high school. They sat closely beside each other, cheeks pressed up against one another. Lucas’ arm was pulling tightly around Brooke’s waist, and she had her arm securely draped around his shoulders. You could see their arms in the side of the picture, holding the camera, as they had taken the photo themselves. The photo was the evidence of horizontally the windy night that they had laughed in as they had walked along the dark beach. Brooke’s hair was blown out and colliding with Lucas’ face. Brooke remembered that night clearly, like an image preserved perfectly in her mind. She remembered convincing Lucas it wasn’t too horrible to go for a walk. She remembered them running along the beach hand-in-hand to keep warm. She remembered then collapsing into the sand and taking that photo. She remembered it had started to rain and they had fled from the beach and run all the way back to Lucas’ house, laughing at the situation they found themselves in. Brooke wondered if Lucas remembered, knowing there was only one way to find out.
“Do you remember that time, Lucas?” Brooke asked hopefully, still facing away from him.
“Of course,” Lucas answered. Brooke wished that hearing Lucas say that could give her hope, but it didn’t, and she couldn’t pretend it did, she could no longer cling to false hope. She knew things weren’t the same anymore. She knew they couldn’t lie to themselves and say they were. Things had changed, they had changed too much.
Brooke didn’t cry at the memories the photo brought back, she was too drained of all emotion. She dropped her head and stared at the ground for a moment before simply turning off the light and lying back down in their bed, facing the wall. She pulled the covers up around her and closed her eyes. Lucas was once again faced with her back, something that had happened one too many times. He hesitated for a moment, before placing the photo face down on the bedside table. He couldn’t look at it, he remembered that day too well and it would only confirm how far they had drifted from those days. With the photo hidden, their past a distant memory, Lucas lay back down on the soft, but not comforting, mattress and rolled over, leaving their backs facing each other. And the night hung heavy once again.
AN: There is the prologue, hoped you liked it, reviews are appreciated! I know this was short, but that is just because its the prologue, actual chapters will be longer. A huge thank you to my awesome beta Ellie, thank you so much Ellie! Also thanks to everyone who encouraged me to write a full-length fic, I'm giving it a go! The title of the prologue is from 'It's Beginning To Get To Me' by Snow Patrol and the fic's title is from 'You're All I Have' by Snow Patrol.
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Chapter One - 'And Oh You Lost Your Trust'
Trust. Or rather, a lack of trust. It was what could be blamed for the fading of their relationship. Brooke had known right from the day that she and Lucas had broken up, that she would never fully be able to trust him again. Of course at that time, she thought there was no hope for them, but time had let Brooke forgive Lucas and give the love that had only just begun to develop, a chance to grow. Unwanted events only led Brooke to be correct. She had tried so hard to trust Lucas, and even though to a large extent she did, she could never fully trust him. Brooke sat at the kitchen table of their apartment. They had moved into their small, but homey apartment, after graduation. Brooke had been hesitant when Lucas suggested living together, but her living with Rachel hadn’t proven to be too successful and they were madly in love so why not? Brooke remembered commenting on how ‘Naley’ she felt, living with her boyfriend. She thought of Nathan and Haley and wondered why she and Lucas couldn’t be as happy as them, feeling a pang of jealousy for the happiness they possessed.
She couldn’t concentrate on the designs she was meant to be drawing for a college project. She loved studying fashion and strangely for her, enjoyed doing her homework, but today she couldn’t concentrate. She was designing a dress and couldn’t get the neckline right. She rubbed it out for the fifth time and exhaled loudly and looked around the room. Lucas’ HCM medication sat on the kitchen bench and Brooke was reminded of the day she found out that Lucas had HCM.
“Why didn’t you tell me? All this time, you knew and didn’t tell me?”. Brooke spoke, in anger, but even more, in utter astonishment.
“I wanted to Brooke, but I just couldn’t. I knew you would be scared, for me, for you. I knew you would worry about me. I didn’t want you to have to deal with that. I didn’t want things to change.” Lucas spoke, with his head hung long shamefully.
“But how am I meant to trust you if you aren’t telling me things as important as this?”
“I’m not keeping anything from you Brooke, I promise.” Lucas said calmly.
“Anything else you mean.” Brooke scoffed and turned away.
"Brooke, I am so sorry. I really didn’t want you to have to worry about me.”
“Oh please.” She scoffed once again.
“That’s the truth, Brooke”. She spun around to face him, eyes glazing.
“Oh okay, so you’re telling me the only reason you didn’t tell me that you have an illness that could kill you is because you were concerned that I would worry. That’s pathetic, Lucas.”
“Okay fine it wasn’t only that, I-” He trailed off
“Well?” She prompted
“When I first found out I had HCM we weren’t together. Then when we got together I didn’t want to scare you away by telling you I could drop dead at any second, I didn’t want to lose you. So, I waited. I was going to tell you after a while but I knew you would be angry that I had waited in the first place, so I kept putting it off and putting it off. And well, here we are.”
“Yeah, here we are. Where I had to find out from your mother that my boyfriend could die.”
“I’m sorry Brooke, you should have heard it from me.”
“You’re right I should have.” She walked a little and leant her back against the wall of their bedroom, standing a few metres from him.
“I don’t know what to say, Brooke. Except that I’m sorry and I love you.”
She stayed silent for a moment, hearing Lucas tell her he loved her made it so hard for her to remember she was angry. His soft, loving words were enough to make her melt, but she didn’t, not quite, not this time. Instead, she spoke.
"Do you remember Nathan and Haley’s wedding Lucas, and why I was upset?”
“Because I told you about the thing with me and Peyton…”
“And also?” She prompted him again.
"And also because I wasn’t letting you in, I was keeping you at a distance.”
“Remember when we talked? You told me I was all the way in, and now, just months later I find out that you have been keeping something as massive as this from me. That doesn’t seem like you’re letting me in, Luke. You’re the one whose doing the pushing away here, Lucas.”
“I know. You’re right. I was stupid not to tell you. But know that you have me Brooke, this doesn’t change that. Hey if I didn’t care about us then telling you wouldn’t have been so impossible for me to do right? I was scared to tell you and as pathetic as it sounds, I honestly didn’t want you to have to worry.”
“Well I am worried. I can’t lose you.”
Lucas moved over towards Brooke and stood before her. He lifted a hand and placed it on Brooke’s cheek.
"You won’t.” He bent his knees slightly to lower himself to her eye level, forcing her to make eye contact with him. “I promise”. Brooke noticed Lucas had tears in his eyes. This was only the second time she had ever seen him on the verge of tears, and seeing him like that broke her. She hadn’t cried up until this point but looking into his watery eyes was too much. As the tears began to fall, Lucas pulled her close, hugging her to his chest.
As much as she tried to deny it, Brooke knew that Lucas not telling her about his HCM had changed things. The wounding it had on their relationship was subtle, with no break up, no long-lasting fight. Even though Brooke said it was okay, she knew it had weakened her ability to trust him, knowing he had kept something this important from her. Brooke had told herself over and over again that he was honest with her, but knowing he hadn’t told her about his HCM, she couldn’t help but wonder what else he wasn’t telling her.
Lucas gathered up his books and slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way out of the lecture room. He followed the crowd down the hallway, every so often bumping shoulders with people going the opposite direction. There was a time when he would have pushed his away eagerly through the crowd, trying to get home as fast as he could to see Brooke. He would rush home from this last class and pick up takeout on the way home and they would watch movies, but they hadn’t done that in along time. He was shaken from his trance by hearing his name.
"Lucas!” He looked up and saw Tommy Andrews heading towards him. Tommy was a guy Lucas knew from his American literature class, and while he wasn’t a close friend, the two would often chat and say hello to each other in class.
“Hey Tommy,”
“Hey how’s it going?” Tommy asked.
“Good man, you?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I just wanted to invite you to this party I’m having to mark the end of the first of our college years,” Tommy said.
“Oh cool, when is it?” Lucas aked.
“It’s on Saturday night at my place. 9 o’clock.”
“I’ll be there,” Lucas said.
“Great! You’re welcome to bring your girlfriend along.”
"Oh I think she might be busy, but I’ll definitely be there.”
“Ok. See you then!”
“Thanks man.” Lucas said as Tommy gave a nod and disappeared into the crowd moving in the opposite direction.
Lucas had no idea if Brooke was busy or not, they didn’t really fill each other in on their plans in much notice. But even if she wasn’t busy, he knew they wouldn’t be going to the party together. If he asked her, she probably would say no, but if by some chance she didn’t, the entire night would be awkward, dodging questions about their relationship and putting on the act of being cute and lovey-dovey to avoid suspicion. He just wanted to have a good time with his friends and try and forget about his problems with Brooke. Even if only for a night.
Lucas continued down the hallway and left the main building through doors at the end of the hallway. He walked down the steps and towards the parking lot. Pulling his keys out of his bag, he unlocked the car. Following this, he sat down in the drivers seat and looked down at the keys in his hand. He ran a hand over his one and only keychain, a small, flat, metal basketball keychain. As his fingers traced over the ridges of the silver metal that served as the ball’s stitching, his mind swayed back to Brooke, for she had given him the keychain.
“Boyfriend!” Brooke cheerily greeted Lucas as she bounded into the living room, dropping her shopping bags and sitting down on his lap.
“Hey pretty girl” Lucas said as he gave her forehead a quick kiss. “How was shopping?”
“Well there were two hot guys in the food court who were totally checking me out.” Brooke said as she kinked her left eyebrow.
“M-hm..”
“Yep, and I went over and gave them my number.”
“You did not!”
“Of course I didn’t. Who do you think I am? I just wanted to see your reaction.” She said with a giggle.
“Cruel..!”
“I know.”
"You’re just lucky I love you.”
“I know.” Brooke repeated, this time with complete sincerity. Lucas smiled and gave her a gentle kiss.
“Anyway, shopping was very successful!” Brooke said as she bounced off Lucas’ lap and began to rummage through the pile of bags on the ground.
“Aside from spying two hot guys?”
“Yes, aside from that!” Brooke giggled.
“Wow it obviously was successful.” Lucas said as he sat up properly on the couch and leant forward, looking at what seemed to be an endless collection of shopping bags. “Did you buy enough stuff?” Lucas asked with a small laugh.
“No.” Brooke said seriously to which Lucas chuckled. She pulled a pink shopping bag out from the bottom of the pile and stood up straight.
“I bought these for your sister soon to be.” Brooke said as she pulled out the contents of the bag and thrust one of the items in front of Lucas. It was a pink cardigan with purple butterflies embroidered down the side and green buttons on two front pockets.
“It’s so small..” He said as he took it from her and looked at it.
“Well duh, its for a baby.”
"I know.” Lucas laughed. “It’s gorgeous.”
“I know! And, just when you think it couldn’t get any cuter..” Brooke held up a tiny beanie, “To match!”
“I never would’ve guessed.” Lucas teased, looking at the beanie of identical colouring and design to the cardigan.
Brooke swatted Lucas with the beanie and he took it from her, putting it down on his lap next to the cardigan. Brooke sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder.
“They’re perfect, Brooke. Thanks for buying them.” He took her hand. “But, remember we did already buy the two picture books for her.”
“I know, Luke, but I have to make a contribution to her wardrobe! Besides, I plan on being her number one fashion consultant when she’s older.” Lucas laughed, but before he had a chance to speak Brooke jumped up.
“Oh I almost forgot!” She said excitedly.
“What?” Lucas asked.
“I got something for you!”
"For me?”
“Yes, for you. But don’t get too excited its not that amazing, but I was in this cute little trinket shop and I saw this and thought of you.” Brooke pulled out a small brown paper bag and pulled out a small package wrapped in white tissue paper. She handed it to Lucas.
“Open it!” She demanded impatiently.
“Okay.” Lucas laughed. His fingers delicately unfolded the paper, revealing the basketball keychain. He held it and looked down at it.
“I just thought it was cute, and it was a basketball so-”
“I love it.” Lucas traced the edge of the keychain and stood up. He touched his nose to Brooke’s. “Thank you.” He kissed her.
"You’re welcome.”
Lucas remembered that time and how, ironically, it had been just days before Brooke discovered that Lucas could never properly play basketball again. He had felt guilty for not telling her about his HCM and he knew it hadn’t helped her being able to trust him. He felt guilty just like he had so many times before - for not telling her about his kiss with Peyton, for not calling her while he was away after Keith died or for the worst of his offences, cheating on her with Peyton the first time they were together. Lucas knew he had caused Brooke a lot of pain and had screwed up numerous times. He knew that, and everyone had always reminded him of it - Haley, his mom. But Lucas knew all the blame couldn’t fall on him, Brooke had to play a part in the crumbling of their relationship. As Brooke had come to trust him less, he came to know her less. She didn’t tell him how she was feeling or come to him with her problems. She said everything was okay even when something was wrong. He knew Brooke’s lack of trust of him was because of all his mistakes, but he couldn’t change that. He had grown so tired of trying to gain her trust, and he had no effort left. So many times he would remind her that she was ‘the one’ and that he wasn’t going to hurt her. Yet, she always kept him at a distance and so he did the same.
Lucas was jerked out of his memory by a car alarm accidentally going off a few cars away. He looked up and saw a brunette woman cursing as she tried to stop the alarm. With the desire to escape the noise accompanied with the sinking feeling that he would have to go home sooner or later, he put the key in the ignition and headed off.
AN: There’s chapter one - it was a chapter with the main purpose of explaining things, so I’m sorry not a lot happenned, more will happen as the fic goes on. Thanks again to Ellie for beta-ing this for me! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! This chapter’s title is from ‘See You Soon’ by Coldplay. Reviews are appreciated!
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Chapter Two - Have You Done All You Can?
AN: Thanks to Ellie for being an awesome beta. This chapter’s title is from ‘Rewind’ by Stereophonics.
Brooke stood by the riverwalk, knowing that Lucas would be arriving home about now, that is if he hadn’t found any excuse he could to stay at school longer. But, she had made plans for this afternoon, and for once, they honestly weren’t in an attempt to avoid an awkward evening at home with Lucas.
“Brooke!”
She turned around at the sound of her name and was immediately caught in a hug by the girl who had come to be one of her closest friends, although she didn’t see her as much as she would like, seeing as they attend different colleges.
“Haley..” Brooke said as she embraced her. “Oh I’ve missed you buddy..”
“I’ve missed you too,” Haley replied as the two young women who were recently just girls, broke away from each other.
“We have so much to catch up on, but first, coffee?” Haley asked.
“Yeah”, Brooke said with a nod.
Moments later the girls walked along the riverside together sipping coffee, giving desired warmth on the cold winter’s day. Brooke’s thin pink scarf floated in the breeze behind her, her brown wavy hair drifting along on top of it.
“So, how are you?” Brooke asked Haley.
“I’m good. College is great. I’ll admit at first I was a little disappointed to be going to Duke and not Stanford, as you know, but I’m actually really loving it at Duke.”
“That’s awesome, Haley. How’s Nathan?” Brooke asked.
“He’s great, putting a lot of focus into basketball at the moment cause they’ve got some big games coming up, so I’m not seeing him quite as much as I would like. But, that’s only for a bit.”
“So things are good with you two?”
"Yeah, they’re great. For a while there I never thought we’d find our way back, but that seems so long ago now,” Haley beamed, reminiscing over how far she and Nathan had come.
Brooke nodded and gave a half-smile. She was trying so hard to be happy for her friend but she couldn’t fight the feeling of jealousy she felt towards Nathan and Haley’s relationship. It made her sad to think how perfect their relationship was compared to her own.
“Oh I’m sorry Brooke, I wasn’t thinking-” Haley apologized. She didn’t know all the details on Brooke and Lucas’ relationship, but she knew enough, and she knew Brooke. Even though they didn’t see each other as much as they did in high school, Haley could still sense how Brooke was feeling. Haley stopped walking as she apologized, and Brooke turned to look at her as she responded.
“Haley it’s okay. Really. I’m happy for you guys, you deserve to be happy.”
After a moment, Haley spoke. She wanted to help Brooke and Lucas, she just hoped Brooke would talk to her and let her help.
“How are you, Brooke?”
“I’m okay", Brooke replied unconvincingly.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I mean, I’m not on top of the world or anything, but I’m okay.”
“So.. what’s going on with you guys?” Haley asked slightly hesitantly.
“Honestly, I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?
“I mean we’re together but it doesn’t feel like it anymore. It’s like we’ve got stuck in this cycle and we can’t get out of it. We just don’t seem close anymore, Haley. I mean we live together, I see him everyday but we seem so distant from each other. I mean I can’t even remember the last time we kissed, or even hugged, let alone had a proper conversation.”
“I’m sorry, Brooke. But you two are meant to be together, I know you are. You’ll work it out.”
“I hope so Haley. I really do.”
“Believe me, I know how it feels to think things will never be right again. But they will.”
Brooke gave a weak nod as they continued walking along the quiet strip beside the water. After a moment, Brooke spoke.
“When you came back from the tour, and Nathan pushed you away and didn’t want to be together again, how did you do it? How did you hold on?”
They had come up to the picnic tables by the riverside, coincidently appropriate as Haley began to speak of her and Nathan. They sat down next to each other on one side of the table and turned to face each other.
“I’m sorry to ask, Haley, I don’t want to remind you off it and I’m seriously not trying to make you sad-“
“No, no Brooke its okay. I umm” she hesitated, looking for the right words to offer her friend. As she searched for the right words, she looked at Brooke. Her eyes were tired and sad, and she didn’t have the essence of life and joy that once belonged to her. Haley remembered how Lucas had called Brooke ‘Cheery’, and she couldn’t help but observe how that name was no longer suited to the girl it once had been associated with.
“Well, I guess the first thing I did was stop and think whether I should hold on. Whether maybe he was right and we wouldn’t be able to find our way back. But I knew I loved him and so I knew that I couldn’t give up on us.” She paused for a moment. “Look Brooke, you love Lucas don’t you?”
"Yeah I do. But I’m beginning to wonder whether there needs to be more than that to keep us together.”
“No, you just have to remember that love and remind yourself of it and try and work through your problems. You both need to start fighting for your love.”
“Yeah, you’re right. But we tried so hard in high school and I don’t know if either of us have the strength anymore.”
“But when have you tried recently? Have you done all you can? Just talk to him Brooke, you guys need to tell each other how you’re feeling and why and try and work out how to fix it. You can’t hide from your problems, Brooke, or else you’re going to be stuck in the cycle forever.”
Knowing her friend was right, Brooke promised herself that she wouldn’t give up and felt a little reassured that all hope was not lost. Yet, she knew that things wouldn’t get better by themselves and that they had to do something to fix this. But what? Brooke decided to follow Haley’s advice and start by talking to him, but she wasn’t sure she would have the courage. Still, Brooke found it hard to be completely open around Lucas, only a very few times had she let her guard completely down and told him everything she was feeling. Brooke knew that this in itself was one of the factors that had led them here, to a place so far from the relationship they once shared. How could she start to work towards overcoming their problems, when one of the methods of doing so, was one of those very problems?
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Chapter Three - 'We Need To Talk About It'
Brooke pulled her VW bug up outside their apartment block. She had had a long day at college and was behind, still not having completed her dress designs as she was meant to. But she had promised herself that tonight she would talk to Lucas. It had been a week since she had spoken to Haley, and every day she had decided she would speak to Lucas and every day she decided to do it the next. But today, exactly seven days since the first day she was going to speak to him, she would try once again. She had to. She was determined to take the first step to putting the pieces of their relationship back together. She simply hoped she could find the courage and hoped that Lucas had enough faith left to at least try- they had to try together.
She removed the keys from the ignition, but sat silently in the car for a moment. Her heart pounded and suddenly she felt the same nervousness she had in the moment two years ago when she had arrived at Lucas’ door bearing eighty-two letters along with her heart and soul. But now Brooke had no letters and was not at all prepared for what she was going to say. She knew things would not end happily like they had on that night, they couldn’t, and there were too many things to be resolved simply in one night. Brooke was prepared for that, or as prepared as she could be. So with one final breath, she got out of the car and let the crisp night air surround her.
x x x
Lucas lay on the bed he shares with Brooke, the room was quiet, just as he liked it to be when he was engrossing himself in the world of one his favourite authors. Yet Lucas found himself to be reading the paragraph of one his favourite Steinbeck’s over and over, not taking in the words as he usually did. He closed the book in frustration, finding his thoughts wandering back to the one thing he tried so hard to push from his brain; it hurt too much to think about. His crumbling relationship with Brooke. His girlfriend. But was she really? Lucas didn’t know anymore. Lucas thought of all the things he considered were required to call someone your girlfriend. Talking to them. Laughing with them. Kissing them. Being happy with them. If he followed what he was thinking, Brooke wasn’t truly his girlfriend. Yet of course she was, he told himself, they live together, they sleep in the same bed! But that was where it stopped. It didn’t go any further than that. Not anymore. Lucas only wished he knew why, was it his fault, was it hers? He didn’t know.
He heard the front door to their apartment open and for a second he expected her to call out that she was home or come rushing into their room to tell him about her day, or usually complain, she hated having such a long day at college on Friday and always complained about how unfair it was that Lucas was home before her. But Lucas knew that wasn’t going to happen, it hadn’t happened in a long time. He glanced at the clock beside their bed, 6:52 pm. He climbed up off of the bed and walked out into the living room.
“Hey,” he said to Brooke, who was in the kitchen getting a drink.
“Hi,” she responded.
Lucas grabbed his bag that was sitting on the couch and picked up his keys off of the kitchen counter.
“I’m going to my mom’s, I promised her I’d baby-sit, Lottie tonight.”
“Oh okay. Are you going to bring her back here?”
“No it’s easier if I just stay there. Don’t wait up.” Lucas said as he made his way to the door.
“Wait, Luke. We really need to talk.” He turned around as he heard her words.
“Look.. Brooke, I really have to be there now. Can we talk later?” Brooke swore she could hear a hint of sincerity and hope in his eyes.
“Yeah. Okay then.” Brooke said helplessly just before she saw Lucas’ figure retreat out the door without so much as a goodbye.
x x x
His mother who gave him a quick hug and ushered him in greeted Lucas at the door. They entered the kitchen and Lucas dropped his bag down on the kitchen table as Karen spoke.
“No Brooke?” Karen asked seeing Lucas alone. Brooke and Lucas used to baby-sit baby together and this was the first time Lucas had babysat by himself. Although, in terms of doing the actual babysitting that didn’t matter, as he was the one to do that anyway. Brooke would cutely complain about the baby’s crying and tease Lucas, saying that his sister just obviously didn’t like him.
“No,” Lucas responded as he avoided her gaze.
“Okay,” Karen sensed Lucas’ resistance to talking about Brooke, so after a brief pause quickly steered away from that subject. Gesturing towards the open door to Lucas’ old room, which was now the nursery, she spoke. “Baby’s asleep now but she might wake up so - ”
“Mom, I’ve done this before, remember?” Lucas said with a slight laugh.
“I know. I just still don’t like leaving her,” Karen glanced towards the nursery.
“Mom, I’ve got her,” Lucas smiled reassuringly.
“I know. Thank you for doing this, Luke,” Karen said as she grabbed her purse and coat off the kitchen table.
“No problem Mom, have a good time.”
“I will. I should be home by midnight.”
“Okay, take your time. See you later.”
“Bye Lucas,” Karen said as she made her way out the front door.
Lucas walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. The house was awfully silent and strangely, Lucas wished for the noise of the baby, for the silence was not comforting. It simply reminded him what was missing, or rather, who was missing. He sat down on the couch and turned on the TV in an attempt to drown out the silence. Making sure it wasn’t up so loud as to wake Lottie, he flicked the channel to ESPN finding a basketball game on. Lucas shifted in his seat as he watched the game. Watching basketball was hard knowing he wouldn’t ever get to experience playing at a higher level, let alone playing at all, but that wasn’t the reason Lucas couldn’t enjoy watching the game. Something just didn’t feel right. He found himself missing Brooke’s annoying habit of changing the channel whenever he tried to watch a game. She would usually win the remote war, so Lucas would find himself watching America’s Next Top Model or Laguna Beach, and as much as Lucas’ hated those shows, he strangely found himself missing them. And while he wouldn’t totally admit it, he knew it wasn’t really the shows he was missing, it was Brooke.
x x x
Brooke sat on the couch of their living room. She was bored and felt quite pathetic, sitting at home alone on a Friday night. She had changed into her green Juicy Couture sweats and tied her hair up in a ponytail for comfort, but also as a method of killing some time. Now she sat alone. She decided for some channel surfing and flicked aimlessly through the endless channels. She came to ESPN, finding basketball on and for some strange reason; she found that she’d settled to watching it. She let out a sigh as she watched the player score a free throw and her mind spun to Lucas. She had come so close to talking to him, and he had left. “He had to though, he had to be at Karen’s”, she reassured herself. She just wished that that was all it was, and that Lucas really meant what he’d said when he offered to talk later.
She watched a player dribble the ball across the court and considered how hard it must be for Lucas to have lost basketball. She knew he missed it, but not because he told her, they didn’t really talk about it. She just wished he had told her about having HCM; she could have helped him deal with it. She would have been there for him and offered to talk to him about it. But that had never happened. “That was his choice”, Brooke thought. “He obviously didn’t want my support”. Yet Brooke knew he wasn’t the only one who hadn’t been completely honest and open, she knew she had kept things from him too.
“What’s going on with you and Peyton?” He asked her as they sat on his bed.
“What do you mean?” She acted like she didn’t know what he was talking about.
“Well you told me you two had a fight and then you moved out of her house…” He elaborated as she desperately tried to avoid his haunting stare.
“It’s nothing, I was just upset that she kissed you.”
“But you told me you’d had a fight before I told you about the kiss.” He paused, but just for a second. “What was the fight about?”
“Lucas…” she looked down.
“Come on Brooke. Please. You can talk to me, you know that.” He begged as he tried to meet her eyes.
“Its not important, she was just bugging me and I knew I wasn’t going to live with her forever anyway.”
“You seriously want to live with Rachel?” he questioned.
“She’s not that bad, Lucas.”
“Hey, I’m not saying she is. I’m just saying, I know she’s not your favourite person.”
“That was before I really knew her.”
“Okay..”
“I’m happy living with her Luke.” She was trying to convince herself as much as him.
“Okay, if you’re sure.”
She hadn’t told him the truth about her fight with Peyton, and she knew she was a hypocrite for being angry that he hadn’t told her things. The truth was she had kept many things from him too. “But I’m trying to fix things” she thought. “He doesn’t seem to even want to try.”
x x x
Lucas heard a cry from the nursery. Listening intently, he waited a moment, seeing if it was a sole cry, but soon the cry escalated and the noise grew louder. He raised himself up from the couch and walked into the nursery. Reaching an arm down into the crib in the dark room, he picked up the pacifier lying next to the crying baby, gently put it into her mouth and delicately stroked her head.
“Shh baby…” he mumbled quietly to her, in a tone that he had often calmed Brooke with when she was upset about something.
After a moment the crying ceased. Lucas had always imagined he and Brooke having children, and that wasn’t just because of one pregnancy scare and an instance with him thinking she was pregnant. He had been so certain of them, and so he had thought of their future. He hadn’t wanted kids right away of course, but he had imagined them getting married in some years and he had been able to envision them with kids someday. But now, that vision was hazy. He hadn’t ever talked about kids with Brooke, guessing it was probably the furthest thing from her mind, and he had secretly felt a bit embarrassed having all these dreams for the two of them.
Lucas often wondered if Brooke had dreams for the two of them as well. He wondered if she’d had them at any one point, even if they were now forgotten. Yet, she had wanted to talk to him, so maybe all hope wasn’t lost. Of course he wasn’t sure if she even wanted to talk about their relationship, although her unsteady voice suggested that she had. Lucas wasn’t sure if he really wanted to talk about their relationship, he wanted things to get better, he truly did. He just didn’t know if he could deal with everything they would have to endure in order for that to happen, the first of which was a difficult talk, of course not their first. They’d had their fair share of upsetting conversations, “Will another one could really change anything?” he wondered.
AN: Last chapter was a bit more of a filler chapter, and I’m sorry we didn’t get a proper BL talk this chapter, they will talk more next chapter. Thanks again to the awesome Ellie for beta-ing this for me. This chapter’s title is from ‘Letting The Cables Sleep’ by Bush.