(no subject)
I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job keeping in touch with people. And I feel like I've traded the Linfield bubble for a Boise bubble -- but instead of the "shelter" of the Linfield bubble, the Boise bubble contains just me, only me . . . my life is an eight hour day of work (hate the work, love the people in my office), and then I come home to the TV or a book . . . I still haven't called Erika. And the only person in town I've seen is Very Pregnant Lori -- who, by the way, sent me a mass email saying that only immmediate family would be allowed to come see her while she's in labor. Because I wanted to see her crotch while she squeezed out an eight pound person. No thanks. She and I are so completely different that I wonder if there's any compatability left in our friendship.
I drove to Hood River the weekend before last and visited Danya, which was very good for me -- both to make that drive on my own (yay for independence!) and also to fell that maybe my Oregon life isn't *so* estranged. We saw Traci (and Will, who was in town), we hiked to Upper Horsetail Falls, and we went into Portland to eat at Nicholas's and spend money in Powell's.
I keep having dreams about a certain . . . someone . . . which is kinda freakin' me out. I mean, I don't think that I ever really liked this person in that way . . . but the sad thing about it all, is that no matter how much I adore him and value our friendship, I might never see him again. And that makes me terribly sad . . .
I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for September, waiting for when I can have a life again . . . I hate not being social. I hate not having friends around. I hate that a chapter of my life that I loved so much is gone . . .
One of my co-workers and I were talking about Spiderman 2 the other day. She said that she'd read that it was supposed to be better than the original, etc., etc. I told her that I wanted to see it, but didn't have anybody to see it with. "Don't you have any friends in town?" she asked.
Ultimately, this makes me kinda sad for my future, actually. I have confidence that I'll be able to find a job that I like and that I'll live in a place that I enjoy . . . but I feel like I'm doomed to spend Saturday nights alone on the couch. I never saw my future involving a man -- husband or otherwise -- and I still don't. I've come so, so, so far with my self-esteem -- I like myself, I love myself. Some of you will know how huge it is that I can say that . . . but I still don't see any other person in my future. Just me. And a dog. And maybe a child that I've adopted and raised by myself.
I kinda miss Lucas, The Boy from last summer -- if only because he was a distraction.
I wish I had some place to go to be social . . . and most of the time, I don't really care anyway, since I'm so tired from work. I wish that I had some place that I could go and at least meet people and make friends . . . I say all of this and wonder why I don't call Erika. I say all of this and wish that I could erase my dream images of that "someone." No matter what happens in my subconscious, he's miles and miles and miles away . . . and he doesn't want me anyway. Hell, I doubt we're even that compatible . . . so why do I keep dreaming about him? And why do I keep thinking about him?
Why am I even writing this? Why am I posting it for the world to see?
I don't mean this to be a big "woe is me" kick . . . I guess that I just want to connect. Some how. Some way. With some one.
I wish I could pop my bubble . . .
I drove to Hood River the weekend before last and visited Danya, which was very good for me -- both to make that drive on my own (yay for independence!) and also to fell that maybe my Oregon life isn't *so* estranged. We saw Traci (and Will, who was in town), we hiked to Upper Horsetail Falls, and we went into Portland to eat at Nicholas's and spend money in Powell's.
I keep having dreams about a certain . . . someone . . . which is kinda freakin' me out. I mean, I don't think that I ever really liked this person in that way . . . but the sad thing about it all, is that no matter how much I adore him and value our friendship, I might never see him again. And that makes me terribly sad . . .
I feel like I'm in limbo, waiting for September, waiting for when I can have a life again . . . I hate not being social. I hate not having friends around. I hate that a chapter of my life that I loved so much is gone . . .
One of my co-workers and I were talking about Spiderman 2 the other day. She said that she'd read that it was supposed to be better than the original, etc., etc. I told her that I wanted to see it, but didn't have anybody to see it with. "Don't you have any friends in town?" she asked.
Ultimately, this makes me kinda sad for my future, actually. I have confidence that I'll be able to find a job that I like and that I'll live in a place that I enjoy . . . but I feel like I'm doomed to spend Saturday nights alone on the couch. I never saw my future involving a man -- husband or otherwise -- and I still don't. I've come so, so, so far with my self-esteem -- I like myself, I love myself. Some of you will know how huge it is that I can say that . . . but I still don't see any other person in my future. Just me. And a dog. And maybe a child that I've adopted and raised by myself.
I kinda miss Lucas, The Boy from last summer -- if only because he was a distraction.
I wish I had some place to go to be social . . . and most of the time, I don't really care anyway, since I'm so tired from work. I wish that I had some place that I could go and at least meet people and make friends . . . I say all of this and wonder why I don't call Erika. I say all of this and wish that I could erase my dream images of that "someone." No matter what happens in my subconscious, he's miles and miles and miles away . . . and he doesn't want me anyway. Hell, I doubt we're even that compatible . . . so why do I keep dreaming about him? And why do I keep thinking about him?
Why am I even writing this? Why am I posting it for the world to see?
I don't mean this to be a big "woe is me" kick . . . I guess that I just want to connect. Some how. Some way. With some one.
I wish I could pop my bubble . . .