Don't even ask
My heart hurts right now...I'm not trying to be emo. Have you ever had a moment when you figure out what's missing in your life? I'm so alone...not just me but every single human being is alone. You never know who you can trust. You never know who's going to save you...really the only person you can truely rely on is yourself. I believe in rare cases of true love where someone would actually put another perons well being above their own. I care about alot of people. People who I can't rely or depend on. It's just me I can't help it. I keep around good friends and bad friends who have potential to let me down again. People who have proved I can't trust them. It sounds insane but I want to find my soul mate. I'm missing connection that only 2 people in "true love" can feel. I'm not saying I'm smart. I don't have an ego but this is my take on things. Alot of people aren't truely capable of selfless acts of love but I believe that I am. All I really want is for someone to dedicated myself to. This is probably why I am still single. I could be with someone right now. I'm not full of myself I just know it's true. I'm waiting for the right one. I don't waste my time with people who don't want what I want because I'm just going to get hurt. I've done alot of thinking lately. I'm tired of being someone else to make other people happy. I am a lesbian. a queer, a homo whatever you want to call it. Alrite a part of me still thinks guys are cute but I don't want to do anything more than make out with them. Guys naked...not a thought I really care for. Not an image I wish to see. Guys are such insensitive pigs...I'm not saying all of them are granted I'm sure there are nice gay men but everyone I've ever dated turned out to be a dick. 95% of men want nothing but sex...the way they talk about women, the way they degrade females. They gross me out. The only guys I really like are somewhat feminine lol so obviously me being straight is out of the question. Women look better naked, they aren't hairy and perverted. They can watch chick flicks with you, they actually talk about their feelings and have no problem crying. They know what girls want...who would know better than a girl about what turns a girl on? They're better kissers...so much more gentle and passionate. So tell me why is anybody straight anymore? lol I'm lacking a girlfriend...I'm not trying to find love I just wish it would find me. I think I deserve to be happy. Everyone always tells me I'm the good girl who winds up with assholes...while I have friends who are evil bitches and they attract people left and right. It's really not fair. God has a fucked up sense of humor if you ask me. Maybe I'm not perfect and I've done some things in the past that I regret but I'm alot better than I used to be. I try hard not to be such a bitch...and it works. I'm not the person I was a year ago. or even 6 months ago. I treat people well for the most part...my friends anyway...my friends are like my family since my family hates me. I deserve a chance. Life isn't fair...but whoever said it was? Operation go meet people needs to take place. I need to go to more shows, actually go to a club...not to dance but to get drunk and socialize. It's so hard to meet people when you're not in highschool anymore. You need to learn how to seek people out because once you're out in the real world you aren't locked inside a building with 900 or more other people and it's really hard to just approach strangers. I'm high. figures. I'm not making sense. I don't care I love having a journal no one reads I can not make sense. fuck it. I have to pee. I'm done being philosophical and intelligent it just makes me come off as insane and self absorbed. Later