On mental blocks and unnamed social disorders
I have a complex, I think. A people complex. I have a problem being friends with people, being close to them. Been that way for as long as I can remember.
There have been two people in my entire life that I've felt 100% comfortable with: K, my best friend, and J, my husband. It's kind of sad, really, and lonely considering that K lives across the country and will not be moving anywhere closer in the foreseeable future. So it's just me and J, and Munchie of course, but any mom will tell you that conversation with a 2 year old is not always as intellectually stimulating as you'd like.
Okay, I'll stop the pity party. Really. I have some great friends- H and A even live in the same city (!), and my other friend A is just an e-mail away. I've also met some wonderful new women recently who, amazingly enough, I have a lot in common with. But I still can't shake this feeling of emotional detachment. A big part of me wants to return to the familiarity of childhood, when K and I lived at each other's houses and knew all of each other's secrets. Ever since K moved away it's like there's this void in my life that nothing else will fill. I'm not unhappy by any means, but I do miss her. All the time. Because being a grown-up sucks. Being a grown-up means that you have work (and school, possibly) and family responsibilities. It means that you only see your friends when your schedules coincide, which may mean once every couple of weeks...or that you only see them once a year, when they live thousands of miles away.
So why is it that I just can't form those attachments? It's not even that I'm shy. I used to be, back in school, but I've gotten over that now. I'm just....emotionally stilted? Guarded? Who knows what to call it.
I always start out with good intentions. When I start a new job, move to a new city, go to an event, I will make new friends, I promise myself. But then I get there, and I look around, and I freeze up. Sure, I can make small talk with the best of them, but when it comes to putting anything about myself out there I suck. It's just too hard. And let's not even talk about physical contact. I'm not a germophobe or anything, or OCD (that I know of), but when someone new touches me I get completely tense. It even happens with people I've known for awhile. Just standing in close proximity to others makes me uncomfortable. I want so badly to finally move past this mental block of mine
Maybe I do have some kind of disorder. Or maybe I just like living inside of my own head a little too much. I love books, I love to write, I love to watch movies and sleep when I have the time. Most of which are solitary activities. Who knows. I just know that I'm sick of this.
There have been two people in my entire life that I've felt 100% comfortable with: K, my best friend, and J, my husband. It's kind of sad, really, and lonely considering that K lives across the country and will not be moving anywhere closer in the foreseeable future. So it's just me and J, and Munchie of course, but any mom will tell you that conversation with a 2 year old is not always as intellectually stimulating as you'd like.
Okay, I'll stop the pity party. Really. I have some great friends- H and A even live in the same city (!), and my other friend A is just an e-mail away. I've also met some wonderful new women recently who, amazingly enough, I have a lot in common with. But I still can't shake this feeling of emotional detachment. A big part of me wants to return to the familiarity of childhood, when K and I lived at each other's houses and knew all of each other's secrets. Ever since K moved away it's like there's this void in my life that nothing else will fill. I'm not unhappy by any means, but I do miss her. All the time. Because being a grown-up sucks. Being a grown-up means that you have work (and school, possibly) and family responsibilities. It means that you only see your friends when your schedules coincide, which may mean once every couple of weeks...or that you only see them once a year, when they live thousands of miles away.
So why is it that I just can't form those attachments? It's not even that I'm shy. I used to be, back in school, but I've gotten over that now. I'm just....emotionally stilted? Guarded? Who knows what to call it.
I always start out with good intentions. When I start a new job, move to a new city, go to an event, I will make new friends, I promise myself. But then I get there, and I look around, and I freeze up. Sure, I can make small talk with the best of them, but when it comes to putting anything about myself out there I suck. It's just too hard. And let's not even talk about physical contact. I'm not a germophobe or anything, or OCD (that I know of), but when someone new touches me I get completely tense. It even happens with people I've known for awhile. Just standing in close proximity to others makes me uncomfortable. I want so badly to finally move past this mental block of mine
Maybe I do have some kind of disorder. Or maybe I just like living inside of my own head a little too much. I love books, I love to write, I love to watch movies and sleep when I have the time. Most of which are solitary activities. Who knows. I just know that I'm sick of this.