(no subject)
ya know, i dont reallly know whats up with me lately.this week ive pretty happy. nothing had been bothering me. until now. and its not like its a bad thing.im just kind of exploring the endless ramblings within my own countless thoughts.....k like my last lj/xanga.i talked about love for no reason at all. and why? i go to school and come home everyday. and ya i joke and laugh around but to me its like i feel nothing at all and love is my last resort. feel or hell to live for even.its weird . like the whole chelsea thing. i still feel the same way about her but ive also had a while to think about it too.ive always wanted to "love someone" but i though about her so much that it got to the point where it didnt matter if she didnt have any feelings for me. i just wanted a chance to love her.it always felt like she didnt want me to. and i would wind up feeling hurt.i felt like i offered and she flat out denied me. wouldnt that make you feel like shit?cause you dont give anyone something that special. but its not like that. i made it that way myself.i mean i know everyone thinks awww the little itty bittyfrshmen has a crush on an upperclassmen how cute.but i dont. and now thats all i care about now. im fine with the fact that something i want i will not get.but theres nothing anyone can say or do change the way i feel.
i know i talk about that alot but its other stuff too. when i think about stuff its like im having a fight with myself and even though im on both sides, im still loosing.ive never taken the time to just look at myself. looking past all my fears. all of my problems. all the things so pointless.im looking passed all of those random things and its come to the point where i dont know what ive found.so then what have i become. what does it mean when you search for what (you) are and find something so strange and unfamiliar. i get the feeling thatthrough my struggles and journeys ive lost myself on the way.so if i no longer possess what is me. what the hell am i.who am i. what do other people see when they look me.its enough to make you feel like a monster.
did any of that make since at all?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i know i talk about that alot but its other stuff too. when i think about stuff its like im having a fight with myself and even though im on both sides, im still loosing.ive never taken the time to just look at myself. looking past all my fears. all of my problems. all the things so pointless.im looking passed all of those random things and its come to the point where i dont know what ive found.so then what have i become. what does it mean when you search for what (you) are and find something so strange and unfamiliar. i get the feeling thatthrough my struggles and journeys ive lost myself on the way.so if i no longer possess what is me. what the hell am i.who am i. what do other people see when they look me.its enough to make you feel like a monster.
did any of that make since at all?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!