Learning to Breath...
Wow, this is a long time since my last post. I'm somewhat surprised that I can still sign in.
So much has happened in this past year. I was just reading through some of my old posts. You shouldn't do that:) It made me feel so nostalgic. It's funny how life, and feelings on life, go in cycles.
In some ways, I feel like I'm back where I started two or three years ago (at least from what my journal entries tell me). This has always been my place to come complain, so take everything with a grain of salt. Or two.
In my old entries, I wrote about not wanting to be close to people because you'd get hurt. Looking back, I keep thinking, "I didn't even know what it meant hurt back then." Sometimes the hurt in life is almost too much to bear...How do people ever do this on their own?
I was talking to Barb Scheur the other day. I'm so glad I'm meeting her again- life just isn't the same without her! We were in Lane. There is this one table in the chapel-side dining room that I've been spending soooo much time at lately. My special table:) Greg Carmer was at the other end. I had just finished lunch with Kirk McClelland. Barry Loy stopped by to chat. Laurie Truschel waved on her way out. I was among the saints of Heaven. (For you non-Gordonites, that is most of the chapel staff at our school.) Anyway, as I was telling Barb...I think I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For so long, perhaps a year and a half, God has just been another part of my life. But I've felt...excommunicated, perhaps? I've wanted so desperately to be close to Him again, and yet never now how to do that. But now...it's coming back- woo-hoo!
As I go about my day, I wonder sometimes how in the world I manage to feel so unloved. I have the most amazing apartmentmates ever. I have a great group of girls that I used to live with. There are so many other groups of people that live together I can always drop in on when I'm on campus. When I'm at my table in Lane, it seems I can't ever actually get any work done because so many people drop by. I'm not trying to sound arrogant- there are many MANY people I don't know on campus, and many more that probably detest me. But really, this past week, which has been bad academically, but who cares about class, right? I feel like I've had so many wonderful random encounters with people that I always wish I saw more of. And I made them laugh. I always wish I were funnier- but really, when I let my crazy dorky comments out, people seem to appreciate it. Even when they don't make sense. And they usually don't to anyone but me. Do you know that you have a beautiful laugh? I wish I heard it more often. I feel loved when the people around me laugh. As long as it's not AT me.
One of the things that came up with Barb was I said something about learning to love people. She had thought I would finish my sentence by wanting to be loved by people. But really, I don't think I am ready to be loved by people. My apartmentmates are beginning to show me (although it's totally unconcious for them- they're just naturally able to fully love like that...). Really, I want to understand how to fully love someone else. (It's funny how this just happens naturally for most people. Who has to go through a process of learning this at 21? Most people learn when they're like, 12.) And there is this saying, "You can't love others until you truely love yourself." But, what if how we learn to love ourselves is by loving other people?
Hum de dum. I need to get dressed and go to work. By "work" I mean my internship. La de da....
So much has happened in this past year. I was just reading through some of my old posts. You shouldn't do that:) It made me feel so nostalgic. It's funny how life, and feelings on life, go in cycles.
In some ways, I feel like I'm back where I started two or three years ago (at least from what my journal entries tell me). This has always been my place to come complain, so take everything with a grain of salt. Or two.
In my old entries, I wrote about not wanting to be close to people because you'd get hurt. Looking back, I keep thinking, "I didn't even know what it meant hurt back then." Sometimes the hurt in life is almost too much to bear...How do people ever do this on their own?
I was talking to Barb Scheur the other day. I'm so glad I'm meeting her again- life just isn't the same without her! We were in Lane. There is this one table in the chapel-side dining room that I've been spending soooo much time at lately. My special table:) Greg Carmer was at the other end. I had just finished lunch with Kirk McClelland. Barry Loy stopped by to chat. Laurie Truschel waved on her way out. I was among the saints of Heaven. (For you non-Gordonites, that is most of the chapel staff at our school.) Anyway, as I was telling Barb...I think I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For so long, perhaps a year and a half, God has just been another part of my life. But I've felt...excommunicated, perhaps? I've wanted so desperately to be close to Him again, and yet never now how to do that. But now...it's coming back- woo-hoo!
As I go about my day, I wonder sometimes how in the world I manage to feel so unloved. I have the most amazing apartmentmates ever. I have a great group of girls that I used to live with. There are so many other groups of people that live together I can always drop in on when I'm on campus. When I'm at my table in Lane, it seems I can't ever actually get any work done because so many people drop by. I'm not trying to sound arrogant- there are many MANY people I don't know on campus, and many more that probably detest me. But really, this past week, which has been bad academically, but who cares about class, right? I feel like I've had so many wonderful random encounters with people that I always wish I saw more of. And I made them laugh. I always wish I were funnier- but really, when I let my crazy dorky comments out, people seem to appreciate it. Even when they don't make sense. And they usually don't to anyone but me. Do you know that you have a beautiful laugh? I wish I heard it more often. I feel loved when the people around me laugh. As long as it's not AT me.
One of the things that came up with Barb was I said something about learning to love people. She had thought I would finish my sentence by wanting to be loved by people. But really, I don't think I am ready to be loved by people. My apartmentmates are beginning to show me (although it's totally unconcious for them- they're just naturally able to fully love like that...). Really, I want to understand how to fully love someone else. (It's funny how this just happens naturally for most people. Who has to go through a process of learning this at 21? Most people learn when they're like, 12.) And there is this saying, "You can't love others until you truely love yourself." But, what if how we learn to love ourselves is by loving other people?
Hum de dum. I need to get dressed and go to work. By "work" I mean my internship. La de da....