(no subject)
I had a horrible realisation yesterday. I realised that it had been a year to the date since the last time I spoke to or seen my Nanna. Just typing that doesn't seem right and it certainly doesn't seem like a year since I lost her. I still miss her but I still feel like Its more important that I act as a support for other people than let my own emotions show.
Yesterday, on a whim, I took my car and I drove up to her house and parked outside. I've not been there since we emptied it and I've told nobody (mostly because I've told my mother that it'd be a bad idea for her to go up there enough times) but nothing's changed. The bins are still outside and the mobility aid handle is still just next to the door. A new ornament in the window and the old door number that we took are the only signs that anything has changed in the past twelve months. When I saw some movement inside, a shadow across the window, I realised that I had to go and driving away I realised I would probably never go back there.
I said at the funerel that I was going to try to continue to make her proud of me but as far as I'm concerned I'm failing, if anything I'm further back on life's path than I was last year.
That bothers me, of course it does, but that is an altogether different unhappiness, one that I can hopefully change.
The main thing is I miss my Nanna. There's nothing to be done about that, and nor should there be, but that doesn't make it any less painful.
Love you Nanna x
Yesterday, on a whim, I took my car and I drove up to her house and parked outside. I've not been there since we emptied it and I've told nobody (mostly because I've told my mother that it'd be a bad idea for her to go up there enough times) but nothing's changed. The bins are still outside and the mobility aid handle is still just next to the door. A new ornament in the window and the old door number that we took are the only signs that anything has changed in the past twelve months. When I saw some movement inside, a shadow across the window, I realised that I had to go and driving away I realised I would probably never go back there.
I said at the funerel that I was going to try to continue to make her proud of me but as far as I'm concerned I'm failing, if anything I'm further back on life's path than I was last year.
That bothers me, of course it does, but that is an altogether different unhappiness, one that I can hopefully change.
The main thing is I miss my Nanna. There's nothing to be done about that, and nor should there be, but that doesn't make it any less painful.
Love you Nanna x